Fighting Fire With Fire: Shameless Self Insertion
by Cardio Necrosis
Summary: This is a parody of those crappy selfinserted Mary Sue stories we have all read. When two Mary Sues start to ruin the universe, a goth gurl from our world and a perfect DADA teacher, Snape and Dumbledore get two people also from our world to stop them.
1. Is Something Wrong?

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A/N--This is a parody, and should be treated as such. I'm sorry if I offend anyone with what I write, but I couldn't help it, the idea struck me, and I couldn't help me. Many of the idea that I make fun of I have read. I've actually written stories with the horrible ideas, too--thankfully I've erased them because I realized what shite they were. Once again, many of the OoC-ness of some of the characters is done _purposely_ for comical effect. The crappy plots and Mary Sue characters are done purposely as well.

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Fighting Fire With Fire: Shameless Self-Insertion

(A Parody)

Prologue: Is Something Wrong?

Severus sat at the staff table, hand on the side of his neck. He massaged the nape of his neck, without really knowing why he was doing it. It was almost as if there had been a pain there a few moments earlier, but it had disappeared. Snape lowered his hand and looked at it strangely, having the feeling one gets whenever one forgets what he was saying a few moments earlier. In fact, Severus actually didn't know what he'd been saying a few seconds ago . . . Or what he'd been doing, either . . . It was almost as if he'd woken up in the middle of doing something . . .

Severus searched his memory for the last thing he remembered. He didn't have amnesia, because he knew who he was, where he lived, who his parents were . . . But there were memories he somewhat remembered, but not fully, almost as if he'd had a dream he couldn't remember. There was the feeling of having been doing something, dreaming something, a few seconds earlier, but the exact images were lost to him . . .

When he looked at the other members of the staff, he noticed that they all had puzzled expressions. Dumbledore was looking at his right hand, flexing it and turning it, as if he expected it to look differently. Severus had the feeling that something was wrong with the headmaster's right arm as well, although he couldn't really fathom what since it looked perfectly healthy to him.

Then he got the feeling that he should be sitting where Dumbledore was sitting, and when he looked around the office again, he had the sudden image of a walrus sitting where he was, and two huge people sitting in the empty seat, but the images were fleeting, and unexplainable.

"Do either of you get the feeling something's wrong?" Dumbledore asked the staff in general.

Everybody nodded or made noises of agreement.

"A bit like you just woke up and can't remember the night before, or your dream?" he asked again, his blue eyes surveying the room.

Everybody agreed again.

"Severus? What's the last thing you remember? Think hard," he ordered, blue eyes looking directly into his black ones.

Severus furrowed his brows in concentration, trying to think of the last thing he remembered vividly. He closed his eyes, trying to remember the exact last thing, the most vivid memory. Naturally he tried to think of something that happened recently. In his mind, he saw a flash of green, like a snake striking in front of him, and he felt a sudden twinge in his neck.

He rubbed his neck subconsciously, then frowned.

Before anyone could answer, the door opened and someone walked in. "Hi, I'm the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher," she stated.

And it was like a wave had crashed over the staff room. Everybody sat up straighter, like they had all woken up at the same time. All confused expression seemed to be wiped clean off everybody's face. That is, everyone except Dumbledore and Severus, who retained some of the confusion, although it was draining away.

Severus had a feeling similar to waking up a bit more, and it appeared so did Dumbledore. Everything was coming back to him, but it still seemed that something was missing . . . Although the feeling dwindled he couldn't shake it off entirely. A few seconds of trying to, he pushed the feeling aside, and focused on the new entry.

The new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher was not only beautiful, but breathtakingly so. The fact that she wasn't the type of girl he normally found attractive didn't even enter Severus' mind when he saw her. She was tall, with shapely hips that connected to long, smooth, tanned legs, and a small waist, with perfect, perky breasts. She had wide, almond shaped eyes that were a light shade of blue and had an innocence in them that made him think of a little child, although her body proved that she was anything but a child. Her long, dark lashes only brought out the light blue of her irises. She had full, pouting lips that shined slightly in the light, almost as if she had licked them before talking. She had a healthy tan and smooth skin, and her light shade of blonde, straight hair went to her elbows.

What she wore only flaunted the fact she was breathtakingly beautiful. She wore a black skirt that flared out slightly, and barely covered what needed to be covered. She was wearing a white, spaghetti stringed shirt that bared her navel, showing her flat tummy. One strap had fallen down her shoulder, and bared her flawless collarbone.

She walked over and sat in the chair right next to his, which was the only empty one; the one reserved for the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. She flashed a smile and looked him up and down in a way that he really couldn't recall anyone ever looking at him before.

Dumbledore stood up and addressed the staff as a whole, spreading his arms wide. "Everyone, this is Professor Lucretia. She will go by her fist name, and she does not wish anyone to know her last name." He shared a knowing look with Lucretia, and his eyes sparkled. Then he sat back down.

Severus found himself staring at the woman, just as everyone else was. He was instantly attracted to her, and felt that he wanted to get her, no matter the cost. She would fall in love with him, and he would do whatever it took to bed her. He wanted her. He had never felt this strong of an attraction before. Severus wondered if it could be love, if he could possibly be in love with the woman seated beside him, but he instantly shunned the idea. Severus had never been in love, and he believed that he was incapable of ever feeling such an emotion. Severus Snape did not know love.

There was a brief flash of a memory about Lily Evans, but he didn't know why he'd be thinking about her. There was also the image of a silvery doe, but he didn't know where that had come from, or why it would be in his memory in the first place.

"I was taught at Durmstrang, but all my life I wanted to go to Hogwarts, but my, er, _father, _decided that he'd rather me go there, and so I learned everything I know there about the Dark Arts, but I'm also great at Potions--amazing at Potions--as well as charms and Transfiguration. I just happen to be really great at Dark Arts because of, um, my _father_ schooled me well in that, as much as possible, because he thought I should know it, which is why I went to Durmstrang because obviously all anyone ever learns there is Dark Arts. I always wanted to come here though, because you guys teach everything, and I'm talented in everything just as much as Dark Arts, and I always wanted to prove myself."

A part of Severus wondered why the hell she was telling them this, because he didn't really remember anyone asking where she'd been schooled, and he wondered why she always put a stress on the word 'father' and why she wouldn't tell anyone her last name. That was also the same part that showed him the memory of Lily Evans talking to him, but she had never talked to him, and the same part which showed him the silvery doe, and made him think something was amiss. That part of him was small, but there. And judging by the brief flash of confusion on Dumbledore's face, that part was in him as well.

"You seem familiar to me," Severus pointed out, realising very suddenly that he had found her familiar ever since she walked through the door. The sense of déjà vu that filled him was almost as powerful as the urge to prop her up on the table and make her scream in orgasmic pleasure in front of everyone. Even though he strongly felt as though he was in love with her, he simply chalked it up to lust, because Severus Snape simply just did not fall in love. Ever. He had never been in love, god damn it, nor would he ever be.

She tilted her head and frowned her full, shiny, slightly parted lips, and her soft blonde hair shifted to the side, brushing the bare skin of her collarbone. "Really? Hmm, I don't think we've met before, I certainly would've remembered you . . ." She spoke in a slightly lilting tone, as if she was flirting with him.

Severus wondered why the hell any woman of her beauty would ever flirt with him.

Then she turned back and faced the rest of the room, tossing her sheet of blonde hair over her bare shoulder. Severus couldn't help but stare at her bare collarbone and at her smooth thighs, and how her healthily tanned legs looked in comparison to the short, black skirt she wore, which flared ever so slightly.

"Perhaps you saw me when I visited Hogwarts. You see, while I never attended Hogwarts, I did visit here a lot, because I dated Lucius Malfoy when I was eleven and twelve, and he was about eighteen or so, and then I dated Sirius Black from third year on. We were completely in love, but I was forced to flee to America--"

"Ah, so that's why you have an American accent?" Dumbledore asked genially, his blue eyes twinkling.

She nodded. Severus had picked up on her American accent earlier. "Yes, but I'm not American. I'm British, just like all of you. You see, I had to flee to America, where I lived in California, because Voldemort was trying to kill me, and I had to get away. I hate Voldemort. I got in a fight with him, and I punched him right in the face, and I called him a bastard."

Severus was bothered by her usage of the Dark Lord's name. However, he was more bothered by the fact she had dated Lucius, since she had been a mere preteen and he'd been an adult, and the fact she'd dated Sirius Black. Still, what bothered him even more than that was the fact she had punched the Dark Lord in the face and lived.

"And even though Voldemort is going to come after me, and he is going to try and recruit me and he's more relentless in catching me than he is of Harry Potter, I have decided to come out of hiding in America and fight, because there was a prophecy about me, but I can't give too much of it away. Someone might slip and tell a Death Eater and he'll tell Voldemort, who is the last person I want to know of the prophecy. If there's anything I hate more than my evil, abusive father and Voldemort, it's a Death Eater."

Severus felt like she had smacked him across the face. Even though he wanted to be with her, because his attraction to her was so strong, he knew it never could be--she could never, ever, ever, in any possible way, get over his dark past, and obviously he would want to tell her about it since he felt this strong, undeniable connection with her, as if they were meant to be together, and the severe déjà vu he had when he looked at her was so strong . . . But it could never be, because she could never truly understand that he had changed from how he used to be. It seemed that his love would always be rejected . . . No, he did not love her, because Severus Snape simply could not fall in love. He refused to be hurt by that stupid emotion. But he could feel the love growing inside him, even though he tried to deny it, and he knew that she would reject him, because he simply was not attractive enough, and she would never understand his dark past, the fact he had been a Death Eater . . .

Just like Lily had rejected him . . .

No, Lily had never rejected him, because he had never loved Lily, because he had never loved. Lily was a massive bitch who flaunted herself and chased after James Potter simply because he was the popular boy, and Severus had hated her, and called her a mudblood, because there was no way in hell he had ever loved Lily.

A part of him screamed at him that something was definitely wrong, and that he wasn't thinking logically at all, and why would he tell anyone of his dark past if he was a spy anyway?

"My father was abusive, that's why I hate him. He used to stick me in a room with dementors or crucio me for the fun of it when he wasn't busy trying to get me to become evil, like him. He always had his little, ah, _friends_ over, and they would do it too. Lucius was there, and that's why I stopped dating him. Anyway, that's a story for another day."

The entire staff nodded, apparently entirely enraptured by what this woman was saying. He found that he was interested too. He also found that a part of him was rolling his eyes and trying to tell him that something was obvious, but each time he tried to listen to that ever-so-small part, it seemed to get smaller, and harder to listen to.

Dumbledore shook his head slightly, as if he was trying to get a fly off of his nose. "Yes . . . Well, is there anything else you would like to say, Lucretia?"

"Well, since I'm also amazing at Potions--well, I'm pretty good at mostly everything, but Potions was always my absolute favourite class--I was wondering who taught Potions, so I could maybe help?"

That small part seemed to explode suddenly. The main part of him had instantly wanted to beg her to help him although make it not quite so obvious he was begging, maybe just invite her, to help whenever she liked, and the small part had felt that he definitely didn't need anyone's help, no matter how beautiful a girl was. She wasn't his type anyway. When the small part of him overrode the main part of him, he almost remembered whatever it was he had forgotten.

"I am the Potions master. And I don't _need_ help," he spat, instantly disliking her.

She stared at him in confusion, as if he had spoken another language. "Excuse me?" she asked, her American accent sounding strange compared to everyone else's voice around him.

"You must excuse Severus. He seems to have a hard time with manners," McGonagall stated, reaching over and patting Lucretia on the arm.

Dumbledore's eyes narrowed slightly.

"But . . . I could help you, it would be nice, we could talk about Dark Arts, and Potions, and--"

"That does not fascinate me in the slightest," he said, folding his arms.

She blinked a few times, her wide innocent eyes piercing his, her full mouth slightly parted. She looked as though he had just told her that her puppy had died.

"Well . . . Perhaps . . ." he began slowly, feeling as though it would not hurt to hear more about her story, to hear more about her father and why the Dark Lord was so intent upon catching her.

Just then, there was a flash of light, and a girl fell to the floor. The whole staff turned and looked at her, including Lucretia, even though she didn't seem as surprised as everyone else was. The girl staggered as she stood.

"Oh . . . huh," she stated calmly.

Severus looked her over. She was a thin girl, with narrow hips and average, but perfectly perky, breasts. She had black eyes that seemed to pierce through everyone's soul, and an interestingly curved, albeit somewhat thin (but in an attractive way) mouth. She was quite tall, and had long, black, silky hair that went to the middle of her back. She had fair skin, skin that was like the silvery moonlight, and a strong, prominent nose, but not an overly large nose. She had a Romanesque presence about her, and a beauty that normally would have taken his breath away, but for some reason he did not feel attracted to her, even though he knew he she was probably the most attractive girl he had ever seen, even though she could only be in her teens, although she was radiating a mature presence. This mature beauty before him also filled him with a sense of déjà vu, but he could not feel sexually attracted to her . . . It was almost as though he was looking at an attractive relative, since he knew she was attractive with her narrow, thin frame and black hair and black eyes and somewhat thin mouth and fair, pale skin that resembled the silvery glow of the moon . . . It was almost like he had a fatherly connection to her, like she was his daughter or something, but that thought was ridiculous.

"This meeting will be postponed. If everyone would leave, with the exception of Severus, Lucretia, and myself, of course."

The entire staff left the room obediently, except for the beautiful Lucretia who Severus desired again (even though he had hated her for a split second), but did not love--even though he knew damn well he had fallen head over heels for her, but was just too afraid to admit it because he didn't want to get hurt, because we all know Severus is just a hurt, misguided soul looking for true love to repair his damaged existence--and only lusted for, but could never be with because of his dark, tragic past. Oh, and Dumbledore.

They all looked at the black-haired, black-eyed, fair-skinned, beautiful girl with the interestingly curved thin-lipped mouth and somewhat large, but in an aristocratic, beautiful way, nose, who Severus knew he should be attracted to but was not because he felt an oddly protective, fatherly feeling over her, although he did not know why. He couldn't possibly be her father, even though they had strikingly similar descriptions, because she was just too damn sexy whereas he was ugly.

"I'm in Harry Potter land," she said calmly. She was wearing somewhat baggy, black pants with chains and zippers on them, and a short-sleeved black-and-white shirt that hugged her breasts snugly, showing off the fact they were perky, and bared a bit of her flat belly. She tossed back her black hair.

"And who might you be?" Dumbledore asked kindly.

Lucretia smiled at her in a warm way.

"Oh, my name is Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince. I come from a world where Harry Potter is a book series, and you are all characters, so I know everything about you and all of that, and Snape is my favourite character, because I've always felt a somewhat fatherly connection to him although I don't know why, and Draco and Harry are my other favourite because they are really sexy."

Severus furrowed his eyebrows slightly. She felt the fatherly connection as well? How odd . . . Severus knew that didn't mean anything, just like he knew he wasn't in love with Lucretia because he couldn't ever love, but he just found it odd. Never mind the fact Severus is incredibly intelligent and would've pieced together the truth about both Lucretia and Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince in a real situation.

"I was adopted when I was one, because I was found in the middle of a rainy road with nothing except for a shirt and a piece of paper with my name on it, so I kept my name. My father killed my mother in a drunken rage when I was two, and has continually raped and abused me since then, and I have absolutely no friends whatsoever and so therefore no reason to return to my home world, and I cut myself all the time, but I don't have any scars or scabs unless I want them to show because I've always been able to heal everything instantaneously, but I usually show my bleeding cuts for attention, which is disrespectful towards people who actually have a problem with cutting. I hate all preps because they're totally fake little bitches. And, other than being raped constantly, I've never had sex, but since I've been raped, I conveniently have no hymen and so, therefore, when I have sex with my one true love, I won't be in any virginal pain, and I am a sex goddess and know how to please my man the first time I have sex, which I have yet to do."

"Oh, I've had sex plenty of times, but they have never been able to fully satisfy me, even though I have caused them to have the best orgasms in their lives by having hot steamy sex with them all the time. I hate preps too! I also have the ability to heal everything I lay hands on," Lucretia No-Last-Name stated.

"Oh my God, you should totally be my surrogate mother!" Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince shouted excitedly.

"Of course I will be!" Lucretia stated. "Because I hated my evil father who had evil friends like Lucius Malfoy over all the time, I too know what it's like to have an evil father, who used to lock me in a room with dementors and crucio me for the fun of it! I hate him." She giggled like a little schoolgirl, a laugh that was like the tinkling water cascading over small rocks of heaven and love.

Severus had a mental image of him marrying Lucretia and taking care of Raven as his own, wondering why she had the same last name as his mother. Then he shook that image out of his head. Nobody would ever love him, especially not Lucretia, and that was why he had taught himself never to love anyone, so as to avoid the humiliating pain of rejection.

Once again, Severus got the feeling that something was very wrong with the situation before him.

"Maybe I can help Harry kill Voldemort while I'm here?" Raven asked. "I've read all seven books, and so I know everything there is to know . . . But I'm sure, since I'm here, and so are you, that there will be changes, and it will be so much better than what JK Rowling wrote, even though she is probably one of the best writers in the world and I'm just a twelve--I mean, sixteen-year-old girl, and she wrote the book full-circle and has had the idea in her head for years and I can only get a C in English. Oh, by the way, I'm an American, if you couldn't tell from my accent, and I'm from California."

"Me too!"

They both giggled.

Raven tossed her black, shiny, silky hair over her shoulder, and dusted off her black-and-white shirt. "Well, I'm going to go watch some Japanese anime and listen to my iPod, and probably cut myself because my life is so horrible and no one can understand my pain and I'm so totally emo and that's what emo people do. By the way, I hate preppy bitches who are stereotypical racists."

"Me too! Let's go watch anime together, but I'm not gonna cut myself, even though I've also had a bad life, but because I'm not emo, I cannot. Only emos cut themselves, and I am a professor, which means I have no clique. I also hate preppy bitches who are stereotypical racists."

And they both left the staff room, speaking in fluent Japanese together, Lucretia winking suggestively at Severus on her way out.

Severus felt smitten, and wanted to be with Lucretia so badly his teeth hurt. He had never been in love before, but he knew that he was in love with her even though they had just met. He was imagining having sex with her at the very moment, knowing he could please her because the only other time he had ever had sex in his whole life was sixteen-and-nine-months ago to the date with a girl who said she had always wanted to name a girl Raven, and asked what his last name was since it was a one-night stand, and he had told her Prince because he had always loved his mother more, and he had made her orgasm eight times in a row.

"Well, this is going to be an interesting year, don't you agree, Severus?"

Severus barely nodded as they exited the staff room. When they made it out into the hall, he noticed that McGonagall was waiting for them. "Lucretia seemed awfully familiar to me, as did Raven."

"Yes, they both seemed familiar, didn't they?"

Severus raised an eyebrow. "I haven't seen someone as strikingly beautiful as Lucretia since the night I decided to change sides. Remember? I was forced to watch as the Dark Lord put a strikingly beautiful blonde girl he called his daughter in a room full of dementors and crucio her, but I felt so horrible for her that I snuck her out and told her to flee for America, but I was wearing a mask so she would not recognize me. Seeing the Dark Lord treat someone so beautiful, his own daughter, in such a way made me realize that being a Death Eater was wrong. I wonder what happened to her . . ." he trailed off, not realizing that since Dumbledore had previously known why he'd switched sides he did not need to retell it.

They both frowned, a part in Severus (and apparently Dumbledore as well) trying to remind him of something desperately, but he merely pushed it away.

At that moment, McGonagall walked up to Dumbledore and smiled. "Albus, I'll see you later tonight," she said suggestively, and kissed him tenderly on the mouth.

When she walked away, Dumbledore furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head, as if trying to shake a fly off his nose. He looked disturbed and confused, but only for a moment.

"Severus, I'm going to need you to pick up Harry Potter from his aunt and uncle's house."

"Why, Headmaster? I hate that boy with a fiery passion, because he is spoiled and arrogant and has no idea what it's like to have a horrid life like I do. Plus he looks like James, who is a prick." Severus ignored the fact he called his nemesis by his first name rather than his last. "So why?"

Dumbledore shifted his weight onto his other foot, and his blue eyes twinkled. "Because, Severus, you must. Now go, young Padawan, and retrieve the Chosen One."

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A/N--So that you don't hate me, I have nothing against emos or cutters, just those who do it for attention. Those of you who actually cut, I have sympathy for you. I am only making fun of those who cut simply to show off. I mean no disrespect for those who have been raped. Those of you who have been raped, I apologize if that offended you. I merely poke fun at those who use it as a clever plot twist, and yet the character seems not very traumatized about it. There have been good stories about cutting and rape, good ones that are appropriately angsty. Those are NOT what I am making fun of.


	2. When OoCness Attacks!

Chapter 1: When OoC-ness Attacks!

Severus stood on the porch to Number Four, Privet Drive, a small wind rippling his greasy hair and black robes. He knocked on the door and waited for a few seconds before the door opened, revealing a woman who looked vaguely familiar to him . . . No, she didn't. Of course she didn't look familiar to him--he had never met her before. Not ever. He had never met Lily's sister. And even though he got the distinct impression that she should have been blonde, she had dark brown hair.

"I'm here to collect Harry Potter," he stated as he walked in, brushing past her without asking an invitation. He heard her scoff behind him, but she shut the door.

The very first thing he saw was a boy who was enormously overweight. He pounded into the room, his rolls bouncing as he waddled, eyes mere pinpricks in his doughy, podgy face, a small layer of sweat shining in the light. He stood in the middle of the living room, breathing heavily. He stuffed an entire hamburger into his mouth and chewed furiously, his eight chins wobbling, while he used his sausage-link sized finger to wipe off some mayonnaise and mustard.

"Good boy Dudders!" Petunia shouted, clapping her hands and going over to him.

"Amazing feat!" Vernon said, nodding his head.

"I'm fat," Dudley stated, then waddled away.

Severus got the impression that whatever was wrong at Hogwarts, was wrong here too. Wait, there wasn't anything wrong, this was exactly how everything should be. Really, that had been an odd thing to think . . .

Vernon lowered the newspaper. "AND WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE, YOU FREAK?"

Severus was stunned at the man's sudden outburst. He blinked a few times, then narrowed his black eyes malevolently. "I beg your pardon?"

"I DON'T ALLOW WIZARDS IN MY HOUSE, GOD DAMN IT!" His thick, black moustache twitched and a vein pulsed in his forehead so violently Severus worried that it would explode.

"As I have said, I've come to collect Harry Potter," I repeated calmly, feeling rather sorry for the poor boy, if he had to deal with this man. Poor Harry Potter . . . He was such a good boy who didn't deserve this treatment, and perhaps he had been wrong about him all along . . .

The small part in his brain screamed at him. He pushed that aside.

"DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! TAKE THE BLASTED BOY FROM MY SIGHT! AND GET ME A PICTURE OF SPIDERMAN, PARKER!" Vernon slammed his newspaper down and pointed at some tall, somewhat gangly young man who was cute and had glasses.

The young man--who Severus assumed must've been Parker--rushed past him, and nodded once, while he held a camera that was around his neck. He left the house quickly.

Severus merely raised an eyebrow at Vernon. "I'll need to know where he's at in order to take him."

Petunia walked over to him and smiled in a plastic way, blinking her eyes, which were void of any real feeling. "Yes, come this way, I shall take you to his room."

Severus followed Petunia over to the stairs, keeping an eye on Vernon, who was now smoking a pipe, blowing smoke out into the living room.

"This is his room," she informed, pointing to the cupboard under the stairs, despite the fact Harry had had his own room since the summer between his first and second year.

"You mean, Harry Potter does not live in a state of constant praise?" he aired, feeling as though he'd been hit upside the head.

Petunia laughed a shrill, girlish laugh. "Oh, of course not! We hate the little bastard! We constantly abuse him! We forget to feed him months at a time, and Vernon here likes to hit him for being such a troublsome nuisance! Yes, the idiot boy is always bleeding and broken because of our treatment of him, and we always insult the boy, and stick him in this closet! Yes, we are truly evil!" Then she primped her dark brunette hair and pranced lightly over to her husband, Vernon, who was now rubbing the top of Dudley's head, who was eating off of a plate on the floor hungrily.

Severus knocked gently on the cupboard door and waited for Harry to open it.

Harry did open it, wearing holey clothes that were dirty and ragged. The bruises and dirt smudges on his face made Severus feel sympathy for the boy. While he sat huddled in the doorframe, holding an empty soup bowl, his bottom lip quivered. "Please . . . sir . . . Don't hit me, sir . . ."

Severus stared at the boy, aghast. "Harry, do you mean to tell me that you've always been treated as such?"

He stepped out of his cupboard, clutching his bowl sadly. "I've lived like this my entire life, actually. I'm used to it by now." He shrugged it off, acting like it was no big deal, despite the fact a few seconds ago he'd been quite shaken.

He walked over to Petunia, holding out the bowl. "Can I have some mo'?" he asked timidly.

At that moment, Dudley stood up from the floor and wiped his mouth on the back of his dirty sleeve. "No, Mummy! Don't let him eat! I'm practically starving as it is! Mum! Please!" He stomped his foot and the whole house shook.

"GOD DAMN YOU BOY HOW DARE YOU ASK FOR FOOD WHEN WE CAN HARDLY AFFORD TO FEED DUDDERS AS IT IS! YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE--" Suddenly, Vernon started coughing hysterically, clutching his throat, acting like he had choked on something.

"Come, Harry, I shall feed you on the way to Hogwarts."

Harry walked over and held Snape's hand. They left the house, and when they stepped out into the garden, birds sang a melody so sweet that it sounded as though the sweetest candy in the world had been dipped in honey and was sprinkling the world in peace and happiness. Severus wondered where the hell that horrible simile had come from.

A rainbow shot through the sky when Severus turned his eye onto Harry, who stared up at his Potions professor in awe and love. "Oh, Harry, I did not know you lived in a world so similar to mine. Knowing that you have lived in a home without praise and love, I have realized that my assumptions about you being arrogant and constantly slipping out of trouble and having no respect for me in class are entirely false, and I apologize for my actions for the past few years."

"Oh, Professor, all I ever wanted was for you to see me as someone other than James, who I despise entirely just as you do, and now that you have, I have nothing but the utmost respect for you!"

With that, Severus swooped Harry into his arms and gave him the Hug of Everlasting and Unconditional Fatherly Love ™.

Suddenly, the birds stopped singing and the rainbow disappeared from the blue sky. Severus realized with a sickening jolt that he was hugging Potter.

They both shoved each other away and Severus glared at the boy, conveniently blaming him. This was wrong. Severus was not feeling sorry for the boy. He hated Potter; he despised the arrogant, insolent dunderhead. He was as much like his father in personality as well as in looks. Where had this sudden sympathy come from? No matter what his home life was like, that did not give him an excuse for disrespecting him in class or in school, nor did it excuse his arrogant behaviour in any other situation.

Harry was no longer wearing the dirty, ragged clothes he'd been wearing a few moments earlier, but muggle jeans and a red shirt. His face was clean of bruises and dirt. "Professor, what he hell was that?"

"I could ask the same thing . . ."

"Professor, I haven't been in that cupboard since I was eleven. And they've never hit me. I'm not abused, sir. Well, not like that anyway . . . I've been neglected. Really. Actually, I have no idea what just happened. I know my Aunt Petunia normally has blonde hair and . . ." He furrowed his eyebrows and tilted his head to the side. "Dudley isn't quite _that_ big . . ."

Severus furrowed his eyebrows in concentration. When he stared into Potter's eyes, he saw Lily looking back at him . . . Lily, whom he had loved his entire life, who was nothing like her son . . .

"Professor, er . . . Do you get the feeling that you've forgotten something?"

Before Severus could answer, a man in red and blue spandex swung through the air on a web that didn't seem to connect to anything, singing in an incredibly off-tune voice about Spiderman.

Severus strode through the school, a sneer on his unpleasant features. When he saw Dumbledore, who looked around the school in confusion, Severus knew he had been experiencing the same situation. There was an anger boiling within Severus, an anger that obviously came from him hugging Potter. It seemed that the small part of him that had been telling him something was wrong had exploded when he had embraced the arrogant dunderhead.

"Headmaster," he said, stepping beside him.

"Severus," Dumbledore greeted, his blue eyes narrowed in confusion. "Something is amiss."

"I am aware of that, Headmaster. At least, at the present time. My awareness of the fact seems to wane at times . . ."

Dumbledore nodded in agreement. "As well as my awareness."

"Headmaster . . . I hugged that infernal Potter boy," he informed, sneering as he did so.

"McGonagall and I have just . . ." Apparently whatever they had just done was too disturbing to mention aloud, because he didn't finish. "Severus, I have always loved Minerva, but merely as a sister. You know as well as she does that I am a homosexual, and I have known that for far longer than either of you, and yet I found myself . . ." He trailed off again. Severus was glad he did not finish his sentence.

"We must do something, Headmaster. Before our awareness declines once more . . ."

Dumbledore nodded serenely.

"Yes, we must. It seems that whatever has been happening, it affects us the least . . . but I have a suspicion that there will come a time when we will fall under the spell permanently, whatever it is that the spell does . . . We must do something before that time."

Severus nodded, black eyes darting around the halls for a moment. "I have a suspicion that Miss Prince and Professor Lucretia have something to do with this unfortunate business, Headmaster."

"I agree . . . And so we must not let them know what we are about to do. Severus, I must ask you do something for me, for you are far younger and more able to make the journey than I . . ."

"Anything. I cannot . . . _hug_ that boy again."

At that very moment, Lucius Malfoy was walking through his enormous mansion. He walked with confidence, his posture straight, his long, gorgeous, beautifully blonde hair shining magnificently in the light. His black robes billowed around him in a terrifying, yet attractive, way, his cold, blue eyes taking in every detail around him.

His pimp cane clinked each time it hit his hardwood floor. Narcissa walked beside him, cowering slightly. "No, Lucius, I hate the Dark Lord . . . Please, don't' make me speak to him . . . If only I weren't forced to marry the most evil Death Eater in existence! Please, Lucius, I know you will never love me or my son because you are the worst father and husband ever, but please, please don't' make me speak to the Dark Lord!"

Lucius stopped walking and regarded his wife with a cold eye. He smirked the Malfoy Smirk of Smugness and Evil ™ and raised his hand, and backhanded her across the face. "I am the most evil Death Eater that has no love for anything--why would I listen to you?"

At that moment, a terrible amount of guilt swarmed through him and he wanted to comfort his wife, who he loved entirely, and apologize and say he had no idea where his sudden violent streak had come from. That feeling was only present for a single moment, though.

He forced his wife to go into the drawing room, where the Dark Lord sat, rolling his wand in his fingers. His red eyes took in Lucius' appearance.

"It appears that the strange events have no passed over you or your wife."

Lucius raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow. "I do not understand your meaning, my lord."

"To the best of my recollection, you've never had hair quite that long, nor did you walk with that . . . What is that, Lucius?" he asked, indicating the cane he walked with.

"Oh this? This is just my pimp cane. I use it to beat my son with, who I hate and abuse as much as I do my wife here." Narcissa quivered in fear when he rose it. She squeaked slightly in fear, tears bursting from her eyes. He backhanded her hard across the face.

The Dark Lord stared at Lucius strangely, blinking his red eyes a few times. "Nor do I remember . . . that. Bellatrix," he breathed, his high, cold voice piercing through the silence. Bellatrix, who was at his side like she always was, perked up with interest. "I trust that you have noticed these odd occurrences?"

She nodded curtly, her dark black hair bouncing and her dark eyes gleaming madly with the urge to please her master. "Yes, Master." Everybody knew that Bellatrix loved the Dark Lord obsessively and was the biggest bitch in the Harry Potter universe. That was why she wanted to please him so much.

"I've heard that there are two new people in the Hogwarts vicinity. There is a prophecy concerning one, and they are both unnaturally talented. They jeopardize my plans, Bellatrix, and it seems that their power is affecting all those within the world . . . Even me. I have found that I am, ah, having a hard time remembering . . . Things . . ." His red eyes looked over Lucius suggestively, and his lipless mouth curled into a smile. "And Lucius is beginning to look _very_ attractive . . ."

"My Lord!" Bellatrix gasped and glared at Lucius with as much jealousy and hatred as she could muster, since he was giving the Dark Lord a very suggestive smile indeed. He began stroking his pimp cane slowly.

"My awareness of this comes and goes . . . A few moments ago, my awareness came to a full, when I spared a little boy and decided to let him live. I can feel it waning. Bellatrix, for reasons unbeknownst to me, you and I have been the only ones with some resistance . .. Of course, you have been affected as well, when I caught you snogging a portrait of Severus . . ."

Bellatrix looked away with what appeared to be shame.

"Bellatrix, since I am having urges I'd rather not leave unattended . . ." Both he and Lucius stared at each other with want, and the Dark Lord licked his top lip suggestively while Lucius continued to stroke his pimp cane. ". . . and I am far too important, and the appearance of those two girls obviously jeopardizes all that I have been trying to do, you must promise to do something for me, before both of our awareness wanes . . ."

"Yes, Master, anything you desire."

* * *

A/N--Has anyone else ever noticed that Lucius is always portrayed as an abusive asshole and Narcissa as the poor girl forced to marry him agaisnt her will?


	3. Fanfic From Hell

A/N--Since this is a parody, then all spelling errors are intentional. Mostly I am parodying a fic I never finished nor posted because it was shite, which you will hear about in this story from the characters based off of me and my brother. My grammar was better in the story, as was my spelling, but the character of Raven and the perfect DADA teacher is at least 95 exactly how I wrote them. Sad. You will catch parodies of other notoriusly crappy fanfics, but mostly I'm making fun of myself. Also, I like the movie _The Breakfast Club_, despite what Raven says, but that's just my opinion. Also, my best friend is gay, so the stereotypical comment Raven makes DOES NOT reflect my opinion of gay people.

* * *

Chapter 2: Fanfic From Hell

AN--this is my first story eva so be kind!!!1!1!!!! omg lol lmao asl omg???11?!?!!!?!11?! n e way I luv harry potter a lot cuz he is hott (omg Daniel Radcliffe is so hott in the movies huh omg asl wtf gtfo asl??) if I knew harry potter in real life we would have babys cuz we would hav secks all the time and I would have secks with draco too cuz hes really hott in the movie too. n e way pleeez read my sotry. If you don't like my story then you're a fuckin prep and I hate preps so if you're a prep then stop reading my story cuz you don't even know what life is about you fuckin prep and GTFO (gives middle finger)

Summary: I suck at summarys but read this pleez cuz it actually good I think and the character is exactly like me except for we have different names and stuff. n e way so this girl gets put in harry potter world and learns stuff about her that she never thought possible and finds real friends there but I'm American so I'm sorry if the british slang isn't what it normally is n e way I hop you enjoy my story. Fangz (get it cuz I'm gothic haha) n e way I don't really write like bad grammar in the story I just do this for the notes and stuff!!!1!1!!! Unlike preps I have a brain

Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince Goes to Hogwarts in Harry Potter Land

Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince was a goth gurl who had long black hair that went to the middle of her back and shone like the black midnight sky that blanketed the world in black when it was night. Her skin was pale, naturally pale, but not sickly pale when someone is sick or dying, but like the pale light of the full moon that graced the earth with its ethereal presence. She wore black every day, and her favorite store to shop at was Hot Topic. Her eyes were black like her hair, and she had a thin mouth that curved interestingly at the top, like the bow of a cupid. She was thin, with narrow hips and perky breasts. At the moment she was wearing a black-and-white shirt with slightly baggy pants with zippers and chains on them. Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince was an extremely beautiful girl who mostly everybody wanted to get with but they were afraid of her cuz they were goth and no one knew what it was like to be a true goth like her so she didn't have any friends. She was the most beautiful girl in her school. (A/N I really look like this, just so you know.)

Raven loved Harry Potter, the book series, because it was so good and stuff. Her favourite character was Snape because she always felt a fatherly connection with him even though he wasn't real. She also liked Harry and Draco, because they were sexy and hot and really cool characters.

Raven was rereading Deathly Hallows because she was bored and had nothing better to do. She hated how it ended because Snape died because she had always viewed him as a father. She had always wished he was her dad.

See, Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince had been adopted. At the age of one, her adoptive parents had found her standing in the middle of a rainy road in California with nothing but a shirt and a paper with her name on it. She still lived in California. They adopted her, but she wished they hadn't. See, Raven's dad had killed her mother in a drunken rage at the age of two, and had continually raped and abused her since then. Raven cut herself because she was emo, just like she was goth.

Raven could heal things with her hands instantly. Whenever she was hurt, she would heal herself. She had healed other people too when they were bleeding, but one day she healed a girl who had been stabbed in the gut with a sword and when she'd healed her, the prep had screamed and called her a freak, and everybody hated her because of that, also because they were preps. She had no friends, even though she constantly saved them because she could heal people with her hands instantly.

Raven was really smart. She got the best grades in all of her classes, but even though she was the smartest girl in the school, her teachers hated her because she was goth and emo and nobody understood what she was like. Plus, her great-great grandfather was Billy the Kid, so everybody hated her because she was related to Billy the Kid, who was a wild west outlaw. (A/N Billy the Kid wasn't her real great-great grandfather because she was adopted, but nobody knew that except her, but I just thought I should tell you that because I didn't want you people to forget that I'd said she was adopted--which, by the way, is really important later on in the story, her being adopted, but yeah, I think Billy the Kid is soooo hott in Young Guns, even if he was a jock in Breakfast Club, but that movie is stupid because the prep ends up with Judd Nelson, and everyone in that movie should die except for the goth gurl and Judd Nelson!)

So, even though she was exceedingly beautiful and smart, nobody liked her because she was a goth/emo and nobody understands her and because they all thought Billy the Kid was her real great-great grandfather. She hated them, too, though, because everyone at her school was either a prep or a jock. And her dad raped her every single day, but Raven didn't care because she knew that one day she wouldn't have to live with him anymore so she let him do it. Besides, she could heal any wounds he gave her when he abused her, except she would not heal her hymen because she didn't want it to hurt when she had sex for the first time with her true love. (AN--I'm a virgin but I hear that it hurts the first time so I didn't want it to hurt Raven's first time, n e way I just didn't want you all thinking my dad raped me cuz my dad is actually nice in real life, so I didn't want to worry you.)

When Raven finished reading Deathly Hallows for the third time, she put it down and looked out of the window. It was raining outside, and it was night, and Raven loved it when it rained and when it was night. She watched as the water washed down the glass of the window, distorting the world outside.

Just then, there was a flash of light, and she found herself lying on the floor in the staff room of Hogwarts. She stood up and looked around her. She saw the whole staff, including Snape and Dumbledore and a new girl who must be the new DADA teacher. (AN let's pretend that Slughorn never took over potions and that DH hasn't happened yet, because Raven is going to go get the Horcruxes and change the last book, okay? And let's pretend Dumbledore isn't gay cuz seriously, ew, gay guys are all girly and flirty and act like preps, all of them, so I ahte them cuz they are preps obviously JK Rowling doesn't know what shes talking about making Dumbledore gay cuz he's not a prep and all gay guys act all flamboyant and stuff besides it's gross who wants his thingie in another guys ass?)

"Oh, fuck this," Anne grumbled, then clicked the little X that exited out of the story. She had tried to read through the first chapter at least, but she couldn't handle it anymore. She could already see where this story was going. Not only had she read horrible stories like that one before, she had actually written one very similar to it, except for in her story the girl didn't claim emo/goth, although she may as well have. Thank God Anne had stopped writing that story years ago, since she'd written it right after _Order of the Phoenix _came out, back when she was fifteen. At least she hadn't added notes in the middle of the story, either. She thanked God silently for not allowing her to have an Internet connection at that time, preventing her from posting it and embarrassing herself fully.

Anne was a very average looking girl--she was short and chubby, with large breasts and wide hips. She had rather nice curves, but her chubby stomach detracted from that, as did her average face. She wasn't fat enough for people to make fun of her, but she wasn't thin, either. She had curly, somewhat bushy hair (although she wouldn't necessarily classify as bushy as Hermione Granger's) that was a dirty blonde and went to her jaw line. The only remarkable things about her were her blue eyes and full mouth. When she walked around town, rarely did anybody give her a second glance, unless they had accidentally bumped into her and looked back to apologize.

Anne did sometimes wish she looked as pretty as the thousands of beautiful girls around her, but she didn't care enough to actually try. She supposed that if she wanted to look pretty she could put makeup and spend more time on her hair, but she didn't care enough. There were more important things to life than looks . . . or at least, she hoped that there was.

When she logged off of the internet quickly, she left the computer room and went downstairs, turning on the light as she went. She walked across the basement to her brother's room. She knocked on the door. "Are you jerking off or anything, Kurt?"

"Nah, it's cool, come in," her brother called from inside his room.

She opened the door and stepped in. Kurt was sitting on the edge of his bed, watching the small television in his room. Kurt was a tall, overweight boy with broad shoulders and a round head. He had curly, bushy hair as well, but it was curlier than hers so it looked a bit like a fro when he grew it out. Had it been straight, it would've gone to his jaw, but since it wasn't, it stuck out and barely covered his ears. His hair was a dark brown. While Anne had gotten their mother's dark blue eyes, Kurt had gotten their dad's hazel ones, the mixture of green and blue with the slight hint of brown making his eye colour hard to decipher unless one really looked at them. They both had full lips and a button nose as well as the curly hair, but other than that, they didn't much look alike.

"Fuckin' read me Harry Potter, Anne."

"Okay." She stepped around his messy room, not complaining at all since her room was still full of boxes from when she'd moved into her dad in August, which was three months earlier. The only thing she had unpacked was her Harry Potter books, simply because Kurt had asked for her to read them to him. He'd only seen the movies, so he wanted to have an accurate view of how everything was. Besides, he liked to appear smart and wanted to brag he'd read through all of the books, even though he had dyslexia.

She picked up _Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince_ and sat on the chair beside his bed. "Where were we? Do you remember?"

"Oh, yeah. Tonks was at the Weasley's. That's the girl who changes her hair in the movie, right? God, she's so hot! Mmm! She should suck on my knob, oh yeah." He mimed holding a girl's head while the imaginary girl gave him a blow job.

Anne got a small smirk on her face while she flipped through the pages. "Yeah, Tonks is cool. I like her."

"She's not that much older than me, right? It's not like you and Snape, is it, 'cause, you know, he's like fuckin' sixty and you're nineteen, not that I care, I'd still bone her. Hell, she'd want to bone me, 'cause I'm so sexy." He waggled his thin eyebrows while he continued to mime getting a blow job, then ran his hands over his round belly.

"First of all, Snape isn't sixty, he's in his thirties--right now, in the book, he's thirty-five. Second of all, she's not that old . . . I think she's in her early twenties, but you're fifteen, so that's illegal. Besides, if you were there while they were, you'd be four years old, 'cause this takes place in '96."

"Well, I meant if I stayed my age and was there when they were. Or, hell, we could just wait until 2007 and met then. She'd only be in her thirties."

"If you wanted to be with her, you'd have to get with her before then," she told him distractedly.

Kurt stopped running his hands over his belly and making fake rap-music noises. He stared at her. "What? She dies?" he asked timidly, losing his cocky attitude. He looked at her with sadness etched on his face.

Anne looked at his sad face. "Come on, Kurt, if she's as hot as you say, do you think she'll stay single that long?" she said, voice even and face serious.

Kurt looked happy. "Yeah, well, if I was there, she'd leave her boyfriend for me. Who would she go out with? Fuckin' Harry Potter? Tch, I'd flat-out castrate the boy. He's such a fuckin' Mary Sue."

"Harry isn't a Mary Sue, Kurt."

"Gary Stu, then."

"He's not a Gary Stu, either. He has flaws," she pointed at, getting slightly irritated because she felt he missed the whole point of Harry's character.

Kurt scoffed and rolled his eyes. "Whatever, you know he is. Man, Snape should just kick that boy right in the fuckin' crotch. Shit, Snape is so tight, man, if I was there, I stand up in the middle of Potions and smack my chair over Harry's head, and Snape would be all 'eighty points to Slytherin' and I'd be like 'hell yeah, man' and we'd high five and shit. It's be cool. Then Harry would cry and Snape would take, like, forty points 'cause he's such an emo little scarhead. Fuck, then Hermione would be all 'you can't do that sir because it's against school rules' and I'd be like 'shut up' and then Ron and I would go smoke some pot and forget the bitch. Then Ron would go out with that fine-ass French girl--Flower What's-Her-Face."

Anne sighed and shook her head, her lips curled in a sneer at her brother. "Her name is Fleur and she's gonna marry Bill, remember? And Hermione's cool, and so is Harry."

"Nuh-uh."

"Yes-huh! Hermione's really smart, and half the time, Harry would've been fucked if she wasn't with him. She's helped him a lot, you know." Kurt just rolled his eyes and Anne sighed again. "Anyway, so where were we at? Tonks left and Molly was trying to get Lupin to stay, right?"

"No, Harry was talkin' about that prophecy some weird-ass Death Eater overheard when the girl Emma Thompson plays said that prophecy. Emma Thompson's hot. She can suck on my knob too. But not as Trelawney, 'cause she'd probably say something bad was gonna happen to my dick."

Anne blinked a few times, feeling awkward because she knew who the 'weird-ass' Death Eater was, and what happened to him in the end of the series. She cleared her throat. "Oh, right, and the telescope punched Hermione?"

"Yep, and she got her grades, too. Why the hell is she complaining? I'd be happy with something other than a T. One fuckin' E? Sucks, though, that Harry can't do Potions now, 'cause he wanted to be a wizard cop."

"Auror," she corrected, turning to the correct page they were on.

He plopped down on his bed and it squeaked. "Yeah, that. And then Draco called Hermione a mudblood 'cause they were trying on robes."

Anne quickly flipped to the next chapter. "Oh, yeah, I remember."

"Kinda sucks that he won't go to Potions 'cause I like Snape 'cause you know he's getting mad pussy. Snape's tight." Anne just smirked knowingly, thinking of how shocked Kurt would be when he found out Snape was the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. "Dumbledore's gettin' mad pussy, too."

Anne furrowed her eyebrows. "Uh, Kurt, Dumbledore--"

"I meant man-pussy. 'Cause he's gay, like your best friend. Only Dumbledore is old as hell, your gay friend is eighteen. Dumbledore was born in 1881, right?"

Anne cocked her head to the side, astonished at his sudden knowledge. He couldn't even remember Snape's birthday, which was a day after their father's (not in the same year, though). "How did you know that?"

Kurt shrugged. "Same year Billy the Kid supposedly died."

"You can remember that, but not Snape's birthday?"

"Look, you're the one suckin' on Snape's knob, not me. Or at least you would, except for you're a prude. Nineteen-year-old college girl who hasn't even made out yet. Well, except for when you're drunk that one time with, uh, what's his face. You're such a loser."

With that, Anne let out a sigh. Sometimes, her brother could be so immature. "You know, it's my decision to be a virgin until marriage, so excuse me. Fuck you."

"You would, 'cause you're incest," he retorted, putting his hands behind his head in a relaxed state.

She tossed her messy, fuzzy hair out of her eyes. "Oh, speaking of Snape, and Billy the Kid, I just read a fanfic that sucked ass. It sort of reminded me about that one shitty story I stopped writing."

"The one on the fuckin' dinosaur computer that took eight fuckin' days to load one document?"

"Yeah, that one. You know, _Hopping Worlds_, I think . . ."

"Oh, yeah, with Lisa, the Mary Sue, who was Snape's niece or whatever. How old were you then? Fifteen?"

"Yeah. Anyway, that computer's still at Mum's house. I think Karen uses it to write reports on." Karen, their sister, still lived with their mother. She was far prettier and skinnier than Anne, and Anne was jealous of her, not that she would ever admit it out loud. Karen, obviously, had a boyfriend. They'd been going out for four years, her entire high school career, and so Anne figured they'd probably get married one day. "If we had it, I'd erase that shit."

"So, are we gonna read the story or what? I thought this one was your favourite book?"

Anne rolled her eyes and opened her mouth. Before she could even get a single word out, there were two flashes of light, and two thumps as two people hit the ground of Kurt's messy room.

"What the fuck?" Kurt yelled as Anne jumped to her feet.

Anne grabbed the bat that was lying on the floor beside the chair as Kurt got up and grabbed the knife that still had some steak sauce on it from the dinner the previous night. Anne barely had time to thank God that the room was as messy as it was before the two figures stood up, both of them brushing off their robes.

The two figures looked at each other. "Bellatrix?"

"Snape?"

Anne realized that what they had said made absolute no sense whatsoever.

Kurt threw the knife he held as hard as he could at 'Snape', who managed to dodge the knife just in time. It stuck into the wall behind him, wavering slightly in the wood.

Before Anne could do anything to protect herself, 'Bellatrix' pointed her 'wand' at Anne. The bat flew out of her hands and hit the ground. A second later, ropes shot out of the wand and tied themselves around her. She wavered for a second, then hit the ground, all of the air leaving her lungs.

Kurt fell to the floor beside her, this time with ropes from Snape's wand.

"Violent little muggles, aren't they?" Bellatrix stated, tilting her head so that her long, black hair fell to the side.

"GET THESE ROPES OFF ME YOU FUCKIN'--" Kurt began to yell.

"Silencio," Snape said casually.

Kurt fell silent, although his mouth kept moving for a few seconds afterwards, apparently unaware that he couldn't talk for a few seconds.

"I had it covered!" Bellatrix shrieked, her dark eyes glaring at Snape madly. Snape merely raised an eyebrow at her, his black eyes looking her over mockingly. She turned back to the girl. "You gonna shout at me, too, filth?"

Anne was eyeing the knife stuck in the wall and the bat on the ground, trying to think of a way to use the bat to stand and then hop over to the knife quicker than they could attack her. Obviously, that wouldn't work, so she just looked at the two and shook her head. "No. Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt my brother. I'll do whatever if you want if you promise not to kill us. Please," she said it frantically although she tried to keep her voice calm.

"Good, because I've actually come here for help," she said, leaning over Anne with a gleam in her eye.

Snape looked between the two siblings. "We require a service of you two."

Both Anne and Kurt looked at each other, wondering the exact same thing: What the fuck had they smoked?

* * *

A/N--BTW, my brother and I swear a lot. And we have dirty minds.


	4. Exposition and    Stuff

Chapter 3: Exposition and . . . Stuff

A hour or so later, after they had both realized they weren't stoned, they both sat on Kurt's bed. The mattress sunk underneath both of their weight. Anne was nervously trying to pat down her frizzy dirty blonde hair and was avoiding looking at Snape. Kurt, on the other hand, was openly gazing at Bellatrix, smiling flirtatiously.

"You understand our situation," Snape said, folding his arms across his chest.

"Sounds like you got yourself a fuckin' Mary Sue," Kurt stated, looking Bellatrix up and down, not trying to hide the fact he was attracted to the dark beauty.

"Two of them. Happens sometimes--fanfic authors get carried away with original characters. Myself included. Well, just the once . . . hopefully . . . Well, blatantly obvious, at least. Anyway, do you remember their names?" Anne asked, finally looking at Snape, although she couldn't quite meet his eyes.

"It's irrelevant. All you need to know is their . . . incredible talent."

Anne nodded. "I guess. So, er, why us? I don't really get it. I get needing help, yeah, 'cause of the whole acting out-of-character thing, and all that."

Bellatrix brought herself to her full height. "And they are a threat to the Dark Lord."

"See, Anne? I told ya Snape was a Death Eater and he was evil!" Kurt shouted.

Anne gave Kurt a dirty look. "Kurt, I know Snape's loyalties, I've read all seven books." Snape furrowed his eyebrows and glanced at her. She caught his slightly worried expression and she smirked. "Of course I knew he was evil."

"Then why the hell are you all in love with him?"

"Kurt!" she snapped, then smacked his arm.

He jerked away form him and rubbed the spot she'd hit. "Bitch! What the fuck?"

When Anne looked at Snape with a blush, she noticed he had a thin-lipped smile.

"What? In love with _Snape?_ Is she _blind?_ He's hideous!"

"Well, I suppose since I care about looks, I'll just go and fall in love with your fucking cousin then, won't I? I'm sure Sirius would be interested. No, wait, he's dead, isn't he? Well send your husband, I'll fuck him six ways to Sunday--that is, if you don't mind sharing the man you only married to impress Voldemort," Anne spat, glaring at Bellatrix, her hatred obvious.

Bellatrix regarded her coldly, ignoring Snape, who was looking at Anne curiously, as if she'd said something extremely odd. "Crucio," she said casually.

Anne scream rent through the air while she thrashed on Kurt's bed, the pain white hot and intense. She contorted and clutched her hair. Kurt jumped off of the bed as if his sister's pain was somehow contagious.

After a few seconds' of screaming, Bellatrix lowered her wand with an evil grin plastered on her face.

"You won't talk to me that way again, will you, filth?"

Kurt glared at Bellatrix evilly, but was smart enough to keep silent.

Anne slowly sat and continued glaring, but she remained quiet while she rearranged her baggy shirt so that her belly wasn't showing. She patted down her curly hair and wiped away the tears underneath her eyes.

"My apologies," she whispered hoarsely, averting her eyes.

"That was fucking stupid of you to snap at her, Anne. They've got fuckin' wands, remember?"

"Shut up," Anne growled at her brother, though she realized that he was right, of course. She really hadn't thought her words through.

"Bellatrix, considering our need of them, perhaps we should not harm them too much? I'm sure the Dark Lord wouldn't want our . . . saviours in anything less than a perfect condition." Anne gave him a grateful nod, which he seemed to ignore.

Bellatrix scoffed. "If you call those two in perfect condition . . ."

Kurt ran his hand through his messy, fro-like hair, winking at Bellatrix. "Hmm . . . But we all know _you_ are, don't we? I can't imagine you looking any better than you do right now."

Bellatrix looked surprised and Anne glared at her brother, affronted that he would flirt with Bellatrix right after torturing her.

"So why do we have to do it again? I mean, couldn't you just get JK Rowling to fix it all? And--well, we aren't really that special . . ."

"Speak for yourself, Anne, I'm fucking magnificent."

The two siblings glared at each other. Bellatrix was amused. Snape was indifferent.

Snape stood forward, his arms still folded over his chest. "The spell I--_we_--used specifically brought us to you two. It is said your presence will balance out our reality. Since our reality is merely fiction in yours, and you have read . . . our life, we are hoping you can return it to its original state, or at least get rid of those two."

"Why not just kill them?" Kurt asked, looking at Bellatrix. "Why can't you just walk in there and shoot off the Killing Curse?"

"And be stuck in that perpetual state forever?" Bellatrix said, raising her dark eyebrows. "No, before they die--"

"They see the ring?" Kurt interrupted with a smug little smirk.

Anne stifled a chuckle, although Snape and Bellatrix obviously didn't get it.

Bellatrix blinked a few times, then continued as if she hadn't been interrupted at all. "Before they die, the world must be put back into a state of normalcy--whether that means putting things back to where they were, but . . . Actually, I rather like being like. I don't fancy being killed by a blood traitor, either."

Kurt took a step forward, getting into her personal space, tilting his head to the side. "You die? That's a shame. We'll see if we can prevent that . . . And who kills you?" he asked, putting his hand on her shoulder.

Despite the fact she had acted repulsed at his overweight, fuzzy-haired form a few minutes earlier, she seemed rather flattered suddenly, probably just because she was getting attention that she liked, even if she didn't necessarily like the giver.

"Molly Weasley. It appears that being in this world, we regain our memory. Haven't you read as much as your sister?"

"Nah. So, you're married? I always thought Voldemort--"

"Don't speak his name," she snapped.

"The Dark Lord had a thing for you. Really seemed like it to me . . . Though I can't imagine anyone _not_ liking you." His voice was suddenly deeper; more mature. Even though he was an overweight, very broad boy of only fifteen, Bellatrix seemed to smirk flirtatiously back at him.

Both Snape and Anne scoffed and sneered at the object of Kurt's affection. Snape and Anne shared a look of disgust, but remained quiet. Anne figured her sudden like of her brother came from Bellatrix wanting Voldemort to have feelings for her in return to her obsessive love.

"Bellatrix, perhaps it would be prudent to continue with the plan rather than have unrelated discussions?"

"Fine." She turned to better look at Anne, but she practically sidled up to Kurt. Kurt waggled his eyebrows at his sister and grinned. "First thing's first--we can't bring back muggle filth, or even worse, a _mudblood_, so you've got to make up pureblood parents. Hurry."

"All right," Anne murmured, unable to hide her sneer as she looked at Bellatrix. "We're pureblood. A pureblood Slytherin father with a half-blood Hufflepuff mother. Half-Blood so we can know about muggle stuff, since obviously the two Mary Sues will. Well, at least the one from 'our world' will. Match wits and all--besides, we already do know about that stuff, and how else will we explain it?"

"Why the fuck a Hufflepuff mother?"

"'Cause Mum would be a Hufflepuff if she went to Hogwarts. Duh." Anne rolled her eyes as if it were obvious.

Kurt scoffed. "The fuckin' loser house? I'd better not go in there. Shit, if I got Hufflepuff, I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"

Even though Anne had looked rather annoyed a few seconds earlier, she smiled at her brother. "Okay, Draco," she joked.

Nobody else seemed to get it, and stared at her with confusion.

"Or Sirius."

Snape furrowed his brows slightly, but the other two still stared at her as if she was stupid.

"Never mind."

"So, how are we going to make up parents in a world we don't belong in?" Kurt asked, draping his arm over Bellatrix's shoulder confidently. Bellatrix seemed indifferent.

Snape raised his eyebrow at the two of them, then spoke with a slightly clipped tone. "Obviously, you just have. They are already existent."

"Well, that's just about fucking convenient, isn't it? That's makes no sense."

Anne shrugged. "It's a Mary Sue fanfic. I guess it really doesn't have to. So? What year are we starting at? I'm nineteen, so . . ."

"Make a story. Please make it believable . . . I don't think our world can handle two more of those abominable creations."

Anne sat there for a moment, furrowing her eyebrows with concentration. She bit her lip while she though, crossing her legs on her brother's bed, ignoring the fact Kurt was whispering something into Bellatrix's ear that made the aforementioned Death Eater bitch smile seductively.

After a long while, she nodded. "I've got it. Kurt and I were home taught--best I could come up with, cliché as hell, I know--and Mum and Dad decided to send us to Hogwarts, figuring it was safer there. We had to take a test, to see how much we knew . . . Kurt had the knowledge of a fifth year, 'cause he's fifteen, but I had the knowledge of a sixth year even though I'm nineteen."

"Why the hell did you do that? You're in college, obviously you're smarter than that."

"Well, obviously I need to keep an eye on the Mary Sue bitch, don't I? And they don't have any teaching positions open, and obviously the young Mary Sue is gonna become friends with the older Mary Sue. Besides, now I can perform magic outside of Hogwarts, 'cause I'm nineteen. Um . . . Should I be able to Apparate, or not? Is that too much?" Then she titled her head. "No, too much. Besides, what's the point? Can't Apparate on Hogwarts grounds anyway, and I'll be learning to Apparate this year anyway. Knowledge of a sixth year. Our knowledge should be equivalent to our knowledge here. That good enough? Anything else?"

"How much money do we got? Fuckin' rich, yeah. Our family's pureblood, right? Dad's pureblood all the fuckin' way, and Mum is half-blood, so we gotta have some, right?"

She shrugged. "Yeah, sure. Not filthy rich, but well off. We're just there to help with the Mary Sues, and I don't want to have to deal with money problems too. But we look the same, and have our equivalent knowledge in the years I said."

"But you're smart, so it doesn't bug you! Make me fuckin' smart!"

"Do _you_ wanna be a Mary Sue?" Anne snapped at her brother, glaring at him, her dark bleu eyes flashing angrily.

Kurt scoffed and glared right back, his hazel eyes turning a slight shade of green. "Fuckin' Harry Potter is a Mary Sue!"

"Kurt, I don't think right now is the time to go off about Harry, okay? And he's not a Mary Sue! No, my mind's made up. You think I don't want to make myself Apparate?"

His arm tightened around Bellatrix's shoulder, who was smirking, amused at the siblings' argument. "Fine. Whatever. Let's go, then."

"I'll take Kurt back, and you'll take Anne," Bellatrix said, saying Anne's name like it left a bad taste in her mouth.

Without waiting for Snape to agree, there was a flash of light, and both Kurt and Bellatrix were gone. Anne hopped off of the bed and stood a few feet from Snape, folding her arms across her chest. They stared at each other, both folding their arms.

Anne looked at Snape, taking in his appearance. He wasn't attractive. She hadn't really imagined him to be, though. His hair shone slightly, but not because he had amazing hair--because of the grease. He was sallow, and he had black eyes that matched his hair and robes. He was thin and narrow-framed. He was probably a few inches taller than Kurt. She only came up to Kurt's chin, so she stood to about Snape's collarbone.

She felt a little awkward, since she was short and chubby. She suddenly wished she'd gotten dressed up, with a snug shirt that bared her cleavage (which she was rather proud of--she had a D cup) and wore pants that made her ass look smaller. And she wished she'd put gel in her fuzzy hair to make it curly, and put makeup on. Instead, she stood wearing black sweats with a baggy black shirt, her hair a mess. She wanted to impress him.

"Sorry I look like shit," she muttered.

"Don't apologize. You have no need to impress me, even if you _do_ love me, as your brother said."

She blinked a few times. "Um . . . right. Actually, uh . . . Not like _in _love, 'cause you aren't--well, weren't--real. Yeah, but I do . . . Love you, like a character. I can't really deny that. Sorry. You're my favourite character. Sorta wish it had just been you. I hate that fucking bitch." Anne snarled as she thought of Bellatrix.

He seemed rather unaffected by the fact she had just admitted that she loved him. "You realize that she is going to, ah . . ."

"Fuck him? Yeah, happiest day of his fuckin' life. He's had a few girlfriends, most of them far hotter than I think he is. He's also my brother, so obviously I don't think he's hot. Well, I'm not that attractive either, but I guess there' a reason why I haven't made out yet--I've only been kissed like a peck on the lips." He raised an eyebrow at her. "Uh, yeah, you really didn't need to know that, did you? And I'm babbling. Fuck. Sorry."

"She isn't the most chaste woman."

She nodded, agreeing with him. Obviously not, if she was going to have sex wit ha fifteen year old boy she barely met. If that was, in fact, what they were doing. "Will it impress Voldemort?"

"Don't say his name."

She cleared her throat and nodded. "Yeah, I forgot. The Dark Lord."

"Obviously. The Dark Lord sent her to retrieve the two of you because he believes the Mary Sues, as you called them, jeopardizes his reign."

She sighed and nodded, shifting her weight onto her other foot awkwardly. "Yeah, probably. They usually kill him even though the prophecy obviously states that Harry has to. Duh. But we'll get rid of her, because she's obviously fucking up your world. Well . . . we could wait until she kills him. You . . . do want me to get rid of 'em, right?"

For the first time since she'd seen him, he showed some emotion. He closed his eyes briefly and unfolded his arms. He put them behind his back and jutted out his jaw slightly before opening his eyes again. "I forgot Lily. They made me forget her," he said quietly, his voice wavering the tiniest bit.

Anne felt her eyes burn with tears and she swallowed the lump in her throat. She took in a shaky breath and nodded a few times. "All right. I don't know how, but we'll do it."

"You have to be touching me."

Anne walked forward and stood in front of him, fidgeting slightly. "Um . . . how? Just . . . Where would you feel comfortable with?"

He raised an eyebrow at her. Amused by her obvious nervousness, he stuck out his arm. She held onto his arm, smiling briefly at him. He didn't return the smile.

They disappeared in a flash of light, Anne wondering if she was ready. How would her brother and her fight something that was, by default, unable to defeat?

* * *

A/N--I know, this chapter isn't that funny, but exposition rarely is . . . well, except for a few cases . . .


	5. Chapter Three! 11!  1! omg !  1 11?

Chapter 4: Chapter Three!!!11!1!! omg!1!??!11!?

A/N-- y r all u preps reviewing? I thought I said no fuckin preps!!!!!!11!!??? u all don't no what good fanfic is and u r just giving me bad reviews cuz you aren't goth and I am. And it is TOO realiztic that snape would hug harry! And she is not a Mary Sue! And u don't even no that snape is her dad u don't no a damn thing about raven so quit giving bad reviews and thinkin u no n e thing about my story! asl wtf omg au otp ust omg btw?11?!?!1!?!!!?

Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince Goes to Hogwarts in Harry Potter Land

Chapter 3: The Train

Raven stood in Platform 9 ¾, staring ahead at the scarlet train that was getting ready to take her to Hogwarts so she could be a student with Harry and them all. Even though she had appeared at Hogwarts, they had sent her to Diagon Alley with Lucretia, who was exceedingly rich--probably richer than the Malfoy family--so she had emptied half of her vault and given it to Raven. Raven at first felt bad and said she couldn't accept all that money, but then she saw that Lucretia was still absurdly rich and all of that so she had accepted and bought all of her school supplies.

Strangely enough, Snape had been at Gringotts too and had had Raven's key although neither of them had known why. He had come down with Lucretia and Raven on the cart, and he had gotten into a conversation with Lucretia about the properties of moonstone. It was cool. Raven wished that Snape was her dad and Lucretia was her mom and for a moment it seemed like that was what it was really like while they rode down through the bank and spoke about important things.

Now she stood there. She noticed a few preps were staring at her, so she showed them the middle finger. They scurried off in fear, whispering behind their hands about how scary she was. Because they were preps, they didn't like her, because they were all stereotypical, but Raven didn't care because she didn't like them either.

(A/N--this happened to me the other day, I swear a bunch of preps looked at me so I flipped them off!!!11!)

She went onto the train. She walked through the hall, smoothing her black-and-red plaid skirt and black-and-red corset that matched while her black knee-high leather boots clicked along the floor of the train. She noticed that all the boys, and some of the girls, were staring at her with unconcealed want. Some of them even pressed their noses against the glass of their compartment! Of course she knew why they were looking at her, because they wanted her so badly because she was so pretty, but she rolled her eyes because she knew that none of them were good enough for her. Still, she couldn't help that she had all right the curves in all the right places. (A/N--yeah, people stare at me all the time like that, it's cool, just so you know this really happens to me every time I go somewhere, and guys are always asking me out, so this was taken from a personal experience!)

She walked into a compartment where two people were already sitting. She sat down in front of the two people and smiled flirtatiously, even though they weren't really that attractive. The girl, who looked a bit older than Raven, was short and chubby, but she had nice boobs and hips. Raven realized that she, too, had rather nice curves, except for the fact she had a chubby paunch of a belly. She had bushy, dirty-blonde hair. The only remarkable things about her was her dark blue eyes and full mouth. Other than that, she was average looking. Raven knew she was far prettier than her and therefore better than her.

The boy was maybe her age, but tall and broad shouldered, but he was really overweight, and had fuzzy almost fro-like hair, and hazel eyes. He also had a full mouth, but he wasn't very good-looking, Both of them looked average. Raven frantically searched her memory for characters that resembled them, and found none.

"Did you fuckin' ask to sit here?" the boy demanded, furrowing his thin eyebrows. (A/N--what a dick, huh?)

Raven stared at him contemptuously. How dare he talk to her that way? Nobody had a right to talk to her that way!

"I can sit where I like, thank you," she snapped.

"You can ask next time, though," the girl suggested, smiling at her, though it didn't reach her eyes.

It was then Raven noticed they were wearing strange clothes, like black robe-things. She wondered why they were wearing robes and not normal clothes like everyone else.

"Well, I'm Raven Persephone Perdita Prince, who are you?"

"Prince?" the girl repeated after she cleared her throat, like she had been trying to suppress a laugh.

The boy was laughing loudly, as if raven had said something funny. "What the fuck kinda name is that?"

Raven, at this point, realized she was sitting with two preps and flipped them both off. "Just so you know, I was adopted because I was found in the middle of a rainy road in California with nothing but a shirt and a paper with that name on it! What the hell are your guy's names, then?" Raven snapped snappily and intelligently, like a crow mixed with a wise owl sitting on a branch telling off two losers beneath him who were preps.

"Well, I'm Anne, and this is my brother, Kurt. We're new here." She elbowed her brother gently in the ribs to make him stop laughing. He just glared at her.

"Oh, I'm new too! You see, I'm from another world, where all of this is just a book series!"

"Really?" the girl said although she sounded uninterested.

Raven didn't like them because they were ugly and stupid. "Yeah, so? What the fuck do you know about me, huh? You don't know about my life so stop acting like you're better than me! You don't know what it's like to be a true goth/emo!" she said angrily, stumping them with her amazing comeback.

"Okay, uh, first of all, why are you so fuckin' defensive? I haven't said anything rude to you; you're just finding excuses to snap at everyone. Second of all, show us some respect--you barged in on our compartment, remember? The least you could do was try and act like a fuckin' human being," Anne said, furrowing her eyebrows, like she had been the offended one!

"Shut up, bitch, you don't know anything about me! You have no idea what my life was like back home and you just go off on me? What the hell to you know about hard life? You lived a perfect life and now you think you can just tell me how to live? And just so you know, I would be careful what you say to me, because even though I'm just sixteen and a sixth year like Harry Potter, I know magic far beyond the knowledge of anyone at this school, maybe even more powerful than Dumbledore, and I can heal people with my hands so obviously I wouldn't talk to me that way and I'd treat me with respect because you just might end up in the hospital wing if you don't' show me some respect!" Raven shouted as she flipped Anne off, who was just raising her eyebrows at her as if she wasn't very impressed, btu Raven knew that it was just because she was scared of her.

"You think I'm just gonna let you yell at my sister like that? You can get the fuck out of this compartment right now." (A/N--I hate people like that who get all upset just because u r honest with them it's so annoying I hate these two characters already because they act like they're better than me! And I hate people who think they can tell u what to do!)

"You really shouldn't mess with me, because I'm far more powerful than both of you combined and besides anything you do to me I will just instantly cure anyway so back off!"

"Guys, just sit down and shut up, okay? Fuck!" Anne yelled, glaring at the both of them.

Kurt sat back down and grumbled, but Raven was unimpressed. This girl thought she was so cool, didn't she? Thought she was a leader, well, Raven was the boss. She hated bossy bitches like Anne, who was obviously bossy, and she just sneered at her, giving her the dirtiest look you could ever imagine. People should obey what Raven said, because she was smart and knew exactly what needed to be done, and people who didn't listen to her were stupid.

"Tell me what to do again, bitch, and see what happens," Raven threatened in her iciest voice, for some odd reason really reminding herself of Snape. (A/N--that's important later on, remember that!)

Anne just pursed her lips and rolled her eyes, like the fat ugly coward she was.

"Scared the fuck out of you, didn't I? Well, it's good that you learned that, because I wouldn't want to curse you and have people think I was a Death Eater! So, you guys are new too?"

"Yep, we were home taught. We had to take a test in order to get into Hogwarts, because our parents thought it was safer here than at home. Kurt got into fifth year, which is cool because he's fifteen, but I have to start in sixth year even though I'm nineteen."

"Can't be too bright, can you? I'm way smart, good at everything, but they made me start in sixth year. Still, you're not that smart."

"Oh, I bet I'm smarter than you think," Anne said in an ominous tone, but Raven just figured that she was being a jealous little bitch because she was stupid and all of that.

Raven sighed and looked her up and down. "Really? Well, just so you know, I'm new because I was stuck in this world, but I don't' care because I never want to go home. Everybody there hated me because they were all preps and didn't know what it was like to be a true goth and even though they all wanted me because I was the smartest and hottest girl there, they were afraid of me, and none of them were good enough for me Snape is my favourite character, obviously, because he's a true goth like me, and all of that. It's not easy having naturally pale skin like the silver moonlight and the black, deep eyes like I do, and be super hot, and all of that, but you see, nobody liked me also because my great-great grandfather was Billy the Kid, even though he's not my real grandfather because I was adopted, but still, people think I'm like him. I know you guys don't know who that is because you're British and only Americans like myself know who that is, but--"

"We know who he is, duh, we're not fuckin' stupid," Kurt snapped, sitting up straighter and clenching his hands into fists, like he was going to attack Raven. She wasn't scared because she knew she could beat him without even using her wand, because she was so advanced she didn't really need her wand.

"You know, I scared Dumbledore the other day when they were testing me, because I did most of the spells without a wand, just perfectly," she warned, using her powers to make wind blow through his hair but no one else's. Her black-as-the-night hair flowed behind her majestically while she glared both of them down, hands spread out, electricity sparking form her fingertips while she floated off of the seat a few inches, a faint, dark glow surrounding her, like a black aura. (A/N--Raven is so cool! But yeah she would kick those preppy bitches asses because they don't' even know how powerful she is! She is more powerful than Voldemort, actually, not that you should all go tell him that!!11!!1!)

But instead of being frightened, they both laughed at her. Kurt laughed loudly and openly, clutching his sides, while Anne laughed into her palm. It was like her power made them laugh!

"Shut up, fools!" she growled, her voice deep and resonating like that of a God!

They laughed even harder, because they were stupid little preps!

"Crucio!" Raven shouted, the compartment shuddering with the power she spoke with, lightinging shooting from her fingertips while the dark glow around her grew significantly. Normally she wouldn't' resort to such measures, but they needed a lesson taught to them, and that was the only way she knew they would listen to her, and it wasn't like it was a bad curse if the people really deserved it, like the two dummies cowering and screaming in pain before her!!! (A/N--remember Harry used the crucio spell against that one Death Eater in the Ravenclaw common room? Yeah, It's like that! Teach those two bitches a lesson! Sometimes I wish I could do this to those preps at school!)

When she was finished teaching them the lesson, she gently floated back down to her seat like a lily dropping slowly to a pond of power and peace and knowledgefullness, Her hair settled back down to the middle of her back and she stared at them sagely, knowing that they fully understood her power.

They both sat, shaking slightly and pale, because the pain had been so intense, because Raven knew she was so powerful that her crucio was better than even Voldemort's!!!!

"That'll teach you!" she shouted in triumph. They just glared at her, but kept their mouths shut because they were afraid of being hurt again by her magnificent power! "Ha! You two losers thought you would just get away with it! Ha! You guys are so ugly but you think you're so cool! So now what? Now you must apologize for treating me like that!"

"I ain't apologizing for anything you fuckin' bitch you fuckin' touch me or my sister again you'll fuckin' regret it! I'll fuckin' go to Dumbledore and you'll go to Azkaban!"

"No, I won't, because I'd like to see anyone force me in that prison, and anyway, nobody will believe you over me."

Anne let out a sigh and shook her head. "You're pathetic."

"I'm pathetic? Oh yeah? How many guys looked at you when you walked by the compartment, huh? When was the last time either of you ever had anyone look at you like you were hot?" Raven mocked, knowing full well that she was prettier than both of them, and wanting to remind them of the fact that she was better than them!

"I got laid last night," Kurt said with a cocky smirk on his face. Raven suspected he was lying.

She looked expectantly at Anne. Raven folded her thin arms across her perky breasts and raised a perfect dark eyebrow at the average looking girl who thought she was so cool. "I'm a virgin," she finally said when she realized Raven was looking at her.

Raven laughed loudly at them. "You stupid people! You think you're better than me? Obviously Kurt is lying and you're a virgin! I'm a virgin too, though, unless you count the fact my dad rapes me every day all the time but I don't care because I'm so used to it by now it's not a big deal, because rape obviously isn't so bad and people who whine about it are just little cry babies."

Anne went for Raven, fist raised, dark blue eyes wide and full mouth pursed. Raven jumped (A/N--not because she was frightened, but because it was so sudden, like when a loud noise comes out of nowhere, because Raven really can kick her ass!) But before Anne could punch Raven, Kurt stood up and held her back, his bulky, tall frame barely managing to hold his sister back. A few seconds of him holding her back, she finally calmed down, although she continued to glare at Raven like Raven had said something wrong. Raven didn't know why the girl snapped, obviously she was crazy.

"Wrong fuckin' thing to say to her," Kurt informed with a clipped tone, as if he had any right to tell her what she should or shouldn't say!

With that, they both started over to the compartment door to leave. "Fuck you, you fuckin' preps!" Raven snapped before they left, with a smirk on her face that could rival Snape's.

They left the compartment, obviously to afraid to say anything because they were chickens and cowards and because they knew Raven could kick their asses easily.

She had the compartment to herself the rest of the way, and she spent it growing trees and flowers with her mind on the scenery she passed, and floating around in her compartment with the dark glow around her, simply because she could.

A/N--this chapter was so weird! It was like those two stupid dumb preppy characters came out of nowhere! I don't even know where they came from! PLEEEZ REVUE but no flamez and no preps!

* * *

Kurt and Anne walked into another compartment after they knocked, because people were already in there. "Do you mind if we sit here?" Anne asked, looking around at the people in there. 

"You can sit here if you like," said (obviously) Harry Potter.

Ron mumbled something but it was inaudible since his mouth was full of food and his cheeks were fat, like that of a chipmunk's. While he tried to speak, a whole roll fell out of his mouth, but he kept chewing all the food that remained.

"Well, actually, of course we don't, because the compartment is actually five square foot area and the addition of you two, although you are rather chubby, would only add about .00001 to the exponent of eighteen and carried the one to the first radius of the area and diameter divided equally amongst your weight and height, which means that yes, you can sit here, because we have room. Oh, and by the way, you can't Apparate into Hogwarts because it says so in _Hogwarts, a History_, which I have memorized!" With that, Hermione ran her hand through her suddenly gorgeous locks of perfect golden-brown hair and brushed off her black skirt and white shirt, which showed her nice curves. She licked her soft, pink lips, then propped her book up and began to read it feverishly.

Kurt and Anne glanced at each other, then took their respective seats. Since Ron, Hermione, and Harry were sitting all one side, they sat on the other.

At the precise moment, Harry clutched her forehead, screamed intensely, and fell to the floor, suddenly having a seizure of such intensity he began to foam at the mouth. Hermione continued reading her book and Ron stuffed a chocolate frog into his mouth, forgetting to unwrap it, so he ate the tinfoil and all.

"Shit!" Anne screamed, falling to her knees and reaching forward hesitantly, as if afraid to touch the violently shaking Harry, who kept spitting foam at her.

At that moment, Harry very calmly stood up, looked at Anne weird, as if her concern was not needed, and took his seat beside Ron and Hermione. Anne looked around self-consciously, the sat back down next to her brother, who was staring at Harry like he'd grown another head.

"Scar again, Harry?" Hermione asked while she turned the page, tossing her perfect hair over her shoulder.

Harry nodded, running his hand through his messy, jet-black hair, which suddenly looked very endearing.

Ron went to say something, but since his mouth was full, he began choking, his face suddenly a bright crimson.

Harry thumped Ron on the back. "Yeah, but don't worry about it, and don't ask, because I can do it myself!" Ron coughed a little, then continued chewing since he was no longer choking. "Voldemort killed my parents!" he cried suddenly, pulled out a razor, and sliced his arm angrily.

Anne and Kurt stared at them, a fearful expression on both of their faces.

Just then, Draco Malfoy kicked down the door and stepped in, heavy music crescendo-ing epically while he stood in the doorframe, on top of the doors he had just kicked down. His silvery-blonde hair hung sexily in front of his icy-blue eyes, his full mouth up in the Malfoy Smirk of Smugness and Evil™. He tossed his bangs out of his eyes and posed.

Draco was shirtless, wearing only tight black pants, his perfect abs bringing out the perfection of his body. Anne was staring at him with her mouth slightly open, though it was obvious she found him attractive. Kurt was just confused.

"Granger, you're a mudblood! Potty and the Weasel! Grr!" He then winked at Anne sexily and strode off. Anne could hear the swoons of all the girls as he passed the compartments.

"Don't listen to him, Harry, he's just trying to goad you," Hermione intoned habitually.

"YOU PRAT!" Harry shouted with tears welling up in his green eyes. He then took his razor and cut his arm, before sticking in his iPod and listening to whatever angst-y music he listened to.

Kurt and Anne stared at each other, realizing just how bad the world had gotten, and how badly they needed to fix it.


	6. Plot Holes and Sorting

A/N--I don't hate my sister all the time, but we really don't get along very well and it is true (at least in my eyes), so if my some weird reason my sister is reading this, I DID IT FOR THE PLOT and I don't really hate you as much as I write in this fic--although what I write is what I think, but only when I'm mad at you, when I'm not mad at you, I think you're cool. When you're mad at me, I'm sure that you think really mean shit, too. For you others, I am adding plot. I'm sorry, but I just can't write something plotless.

* * *

Chapter 5: Plot-Holes and Sorting

As soon as Anne and Kurt could, they darted off of the train and hurriedly got into the first carriage they saw. The carriage waited for a moment, and they knew that eventually others would pile in, and that was what they had feared.

"Did you see them?" Kurt asked, nodding his head at the reptilian looking horses.

She nodded, keeping a lookout for anybody obviously out of character. There were a lot of nameless faces passing around her, and she wondered if she knew any of them from the books. "Yeah, I saw the thestrals. Kinda creepy, huh?"

"Yeah . . . Well, why the fuck can we see 'em I mean, the only death we've ever seen was those videos on the internet, so--" He suddenly cut off when Anne gave him a thoughtful expression. They both thought for a moment, rethinking every accident, death, cop shooting, robbery tape, and other gruesome videos they'd seen on the internet, and then they both remembered a movie called _Faces of Death_ which was an hour long movie of videos of people dying from executions and stuff. They had remembered hating every singe one of those videos, and yet how they couldn't look away. "Are you fucking serious? That shouldn't fucking count!"

"And Hermione shouldn't have perfect hair, either. Stupid Raven, she's really fucking up the universe. God, you know, she's such a stupid little . . ." He trailed off, eyes narrowed, dark blue eyes barely a slit.

Kurt frowned and titled his head to the side. "Are you all right?"

She shrugged, then looked at him with a face of complete innocence. "Yeah, fine. Why wouldn't I be? She's just a bitch, that's all."

"Yeah, but . . . I mean, you know . . . What she said, before you tried to attack her . . ."

"I don't want to talk about it right now."

Kurt nodded understandingly. "Yeah, okay. I just wanted you to know that I get what happened. We've really gotta stop her." He scowled, then shook his head in distaste. "She's supposed to be the good guy that everyone likes, right? Well, then, why the hell is she a bitch? We didn't even say a damn thing and she's all over us like we fuckin' killed her dog, and then she used crucio on us! I mean, how the fuck is she a fuckin' good guy?"

Anne shrugged and rolled her eyes. "Basically, the author tries to make every character instantly like, or dislike, her and if they like her, then they are automatically good, and if they don't, then they are automatically evil. We, apparently, didn't give off the vibes we like her, 'cause obviously we don't, and that makes us evil, which I guess means she can do whatever she wants to us without it being considered as a bad thing. And the Mary Sue never gets in trouble, unless it's _unfair_ or something like that. Or if it gives them a detention with the one they have a crush on. Sexual tension stuff. It's not a bad writing technique, but if used too much it's stupid."

"So, uh, how the hell are we supposed to get rid of the bitch? And not only one, but two! I mean, she can heal herself automatically . . . And she's all fuckin' powerful, floating around and dark auras and shit, so what the fuck? I mean, yeah, the girl is fuckin' hot, I'd do her, but that's about the only thing she's got goin' for her."

"I don't know. All I know is that we've gotta do something before she ends up killing us or making everyone in this universe fucking psychotic. Did you see Harry?"

"What the hell was up with that? All cutting himself and shit. And what's with the iPods? Isn't this, uh, like . . . What year is this? How old is Harry and all them?"

Anne thought for a second. "Um . . . She said it was sixth year, so it _should_ be 1996, but Snape was the Defe--" She cut herself of very suddenly and cleared her throat.

"What the fuck? He's the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher? But then that means he . . ." Kurt's face went blank for a second. "The character that dies in the end is Snape, huh?"

Anne shook her head. "No, it's not him. Anyway, uh . . . Slughorn was the Potions professor . . . So maybe this is an AU fic?" When she saw Kurt confused expression, she let out a long sigh. "It means that the fic doesn't follow canon, but it's done on purpose, like some people don't like how the book ends, so they make a new ending, but keep everything else canon. Some of them are actually really good." She shrugged.

"So . . . _Order of the Phoenix _happened? You know, with all Occlumency and shit? And Sirius dying and, uh, what, the prophecy, right?"

She shrugged. "In theory, yeah."

They both sat quietly after that.

A few minutes later, Draco Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy came into the carriage with them. Crabbe and Goyle sat calmly and said nothing. Pansy was a hideous girl who looked like a pug, and was wearing a leather mini-skirt with a silk bra, obviously very slutty, and Draco was, once again, shirtless, and drop-dead gorgeous with amazing white-blonde hair and large blue eyes. Anne eyed his perfect chest.

Without preamble, Pansy unzipped Draco's pants and straddled him, immediately starting to grind against him, moaning in orgasmic pleasure.

"What the fuck, Pansy? I don't like you! I hate your guts, you fucking slut! God, I hate that we are betrothed!" he shouted to the skies before shoving her off of him. She hit the ground with a thud while Draco did up his pants, glaring at the girl on the ground.

Pansy stood up and sidled beside him, looping one of her arms through his and putting one bare leg over his, spreading her legs so the whole carriage could see that she wasn't wearing underwear. "Awww, Blondie Bear, I know you don't mean that! I know that you love me with the deepest amount of love ever!"

"No, I don't," he said, pushing her leg and arm off of him.

"Blondie Bear?" Kurt and Anne repeated incredulously, at the same time.

Draco sighed and rolled his amazing eyes. "It used to be Drakey Wakey bubbly pie bear, but then she changed it. Honestly. Women, right?" He scoffed and pointed at Pansy with his thumb.

"So, uh, how's your father?" Anne asked, tilting her head to the side.

"He escaped from Azkaban over the summer. It was an amazing feat. And the Dark Lord has forgiven him for fucking up at the ministry 'cause, you know, he didn't get that prophecy."

Kurt and Anne shared a look. Sixth year, then.

"So, I haven't seen you two before, are you new here?" Draco asked conversationally, not looking at them, but at his fingernails.

"Yeah, we were home taught. But our parents sent us here this year. He's a fifth year. I'm a sixth year, even though I'm nineteen--I didn't do so well on the test, I guess."

He finally looked up from his nails while Pansy began stroking his bare chest. Draco slapped her hand away, but she began stroking it again anyway. "And you're both pure, right?"

"Uh, no--well, she is, I'm not. I haven't been 'pure' since I was twelve, 'cause there was this hot girl, right, and she was all 'give it to me' and I had no idea what the fuck I was doin', 'cause I tried eatin' her out--you know, I wanted her to be pleased, 'cause I thought I would cum way too fuckin' soon--but then she was all 'just stick it in me' and I did, but I was too young to produce semen, but it was fuckin' great, 'cause she was playing with herself the whole time, so we both orgasm-ed. But yeah, I got laid last night. Fucking Bellatrix is hot as hell, yo. Nah, but she's a virgin still."

Draco looked at Kurt with raised eyebrows, apparently shocked that the chubby, fuzzy-haired man had slept with Draco's extremely attractive aunt. He shoved Pansy's hand off of him--she was rubbing his cock through his jeans.

"You had sex with my aunt?" he asked incredulously.

"What?" Kurt muttered.

"Bellatrix and Narcissa and Andromeda are sisters, Kurt."

"Isn't Sirius like their first cousin?"

"Yes, remember now?" Anne asked, willing him to remember the very first chapter of the sixth book, where it was made plain Bellatrix was Draco's aunt. When a look of comprehension fell over Kurt's features, Anne turned to Draco. "Yes, we're pure-blooded. Our mum was a half-blood though. She was in Hufflepuff, but our dad was in Slytherin."

"God, can you imagine being in Hufflepuff? I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?" Draco aired.

Anne blinked a few times. "Well, no, not really. All the houses have their redeeming--"

She was interrupted by Kurt's loud laughter. "It makes sense! That joke you said at the house, it made sense! It took me about a day to get it, but damn!" Anne realized he was talking about when she called him Draco, and she smiled at him. Kurt finally stopped laughing and looked at Draco seriously. "Nah, but seriously, I would hate being in the fucking loser house. Except for Cedric Diggory. He was tight. That mother fucking scarhead Harry Potter didn't deserve to be in the Triwizard Tournament. Cedric should've kicked that mother fucker right in the crotch."

Anne rolled her eyes.

Draco stood up dramatically, knocking Pansy to the ground, who had started kissing his bare chest. Draco tossed his longish blonde hair out of his eyes. "I fuckin' hate that scarhead! It's his fault my dad fucked up at the ministry!" He suddenly sat next to Kurt, so that he was sitting in the middle, in between Kurt and Anne. "How do you know him, if this is your first year?"

"Oh, we had a subscription to the _Daily Prophet_ and we, uh . . . We live a block or so away from him," Anne invented wildly. She wondered if making it up made it true.

Draco scowled. "God, that must suck." He looked Anne over and smirked confidently. "So, uh . . . You're a virgin, huh?"

Anne blinked a few times. What the hell was he using that flirting tone with her for? "Yep." She felt a little uncomfortable, and began brushing off her robes, which she now realized nobody but her and Kurt were wearing.

"Care to fix that?" he asked, draping an arm around her.

"Nope," she said, pushing his arm from off of her shoulder.

"How dare you come onto my man you whore!" spat Pansy, tackling Anne suddenly.

Anne and Pansy stood in the carriage, with Pansy smacking Anne repeatedly, which didn't hurt as much as annoy, and then she shoved Anne out of the carriage. Anne screamed for a second before she hit the ground, rolled a few times because of the speed she'd fallen out of the carriage, knocking the back of her head and all of the wind out of her lungs.

While she lied on her back, gasping for breath, black dots swimming in front of her vision, and feeling a dull throbbing on the back of her head, she heard the unmistakable shouts of her brother, and she knew that Pansy was getting yelled at for shoving her out of the carriage.

When she could finally breathe, she took in a large gulp of air and sat up, putting a hand on the back of her head. It stung when she touched it and she gasped in pain. She pulled her hand back and saw blood smudging her fingers, and the feeling of something warm and sticky on the back of her head. Panic hit her--she had no idea how bad the back of her head was cut, and she knew that it could cause a concussion or possibly death, if the bleeding was bad enough. Maybe amnesia, but she obviously didn't have it.

"Fuck," she spat, shaking her hand, so that the blood flung off of her fingertips and smacked the dirty ground nearby. She watched as a few carriages drove right past her. She tried flagging them down, but the occupants either didn't see her or care, and the thestrals didn't stop.

She started walking along the road, obviously unable to keep up with the carriage, limping. Her ankle hurt when too much pressure was applied to it, the back of her head throbbed and, although she kept telling herself that touching it only made it worse, she kept checking the back of her head, swearing each time she looked at her palm and found blood. She could taste some blood in her mouth, and her lip felt swollen and a little wet, but considering the fact she didn't have blood running down her chin, she figured it couldn't have been too bad, and she noticed that her robes were scratched up around her elbow and shoulders. Her body ached, especially her back. She wished that she didn't have to walk all the way to Hogwarts.

"What are you doing?" came the voice of Snape from behind her.

She spun around, seeing that he was walking towards her. She blinked a few times. "Uh, Pansy pushed me out of the carriage. What are you doing? Shouldn't you be in the Great Hall?"

Snape opened his mouth, then it shut again. He came to a stop, just in front of her. He cocked his head to the side. "What _am_ I doing here? This doesn't make any logical sense . . ."

Anne shrugged, looking away from him. She brushed off her robes, which were covered in dirt. She looked back at him. "Plot hole, I guess."

"Ah . . . I see . . . but why me and you?" Anne shrugged again, knowing perfectly well why it was her and Snape, but she chose not to divulge. "Is it perhaps because you are in love with me, and this is supposed to be a scene between us?"

Anne furrowed her eyebrows. "What? But I thought--"

"My awareness comes and goes. I remember you and your, ah, charming brother. I take it he and Bellatrix had a good time?" he said, calmly stepping into step beside her.

Anne shrugged, limping beside him in pain. Despite the fact she loved him (which she did, considering she had known him for at least seven years, and he was her favourite character) she was actually at ease walking beside him. "He said she was a good lay. I think it sort of freaked Draco out, though."

"James said it, by the way." Anne looked at him in confusion. He merely cocked an eyebrow at her. "James said he would leave, not Sirius, and the comment was directed towards Slytherin, not Hufflepuff."

Anne blinked, then realized he was talking about the comment she made in her room. "Oh . . . Well, Draco said the same thing, but it was about Hufflepuff. Sorry, I kinda . . . Well, I was more interested in you than James in that chapter anyway. Draco has the same birthday as my brother, and they're both monkeys, so he reminds me of Draco sometimes."

"Your brother is sixteen, then. Apparently birthdays cannot be changed, nor can zodiac signs--Chinese or otherwise." Anne furrowed her eyebrows at him in confusion. "Dumbledore has some very odd books in his office. I looked over it a few minutes ago . . . Before I found myself here, obviously. It seems that my ability at Occlumency has kept me from completely falling under the spell, which explains why the Dark Lord, Dumbledore, and Bellatrix have a slight immunity as well. You will have to tell them you lied to make your brother more interesting, or at least bump him up to sixth year with you."

"But I went through all trouble making up our story!" she grumbled.

He raised an eyebrow at her. "And? Go through the trouble fixing your error."

"Fine. He's a sixth year. Dumbledore will tell us he miscalculated the grade of Kurt's score, and make him a sixth year, since he is now sixteen. I'll have to get a hold of Kurt and tell him." She rubbed the back of her head, wincing when it stung in pain, then pulled her hand back, scowling at the sight of blood.

"Perhaps you should come to my office before you are Sorted. I have some dittany there." Anne looked at him, surprised apparently. Snape frowned a bit. "Or I could heal you now with some healing spells. Dittany would make it work faster, but to travel to my office would be time consuming, and therefore pointless. I believe that was meant as a romantic nudge in this plot-hole filled fanfic. I apologize that I almost fell for it."

"That's okay. I was about to tell you, anyway."

He stared directly into her eyes. "You're being honest. Do you not want to be alone with me in my office, me touching you while I heal you with dittany?" he asked mockingly.

Anne shifted uncomfortably. "Actually, um, it would just make me uncomfortable."

"I'll heal you now, if you don't mind. Please turn--the injury on the back of your head is the one I'd like to start on. It may sting, but try not to fuss about like a petulant child, and try to act your age--which is decidedly twenty, since your birth year is 1976, the year of the dragon."

Anne nodded, then turned around. She felt the tip of his wand brush against her wound and she winced a little, taking in a sharp breath but not too loudly. She heard him muttering something, then he grabbed her arm and forced her to turn, pointing his wand at her lip, healing it, and at various part of her body that were scraped up, finally pointing it at her ankle that she favoured.

"There. And there wasn't any sexual tension at all. I think we've accomplished something," Snape pointed out, then they began walking to the school again.

Anne stared at the castle loomed nearer. "But why did you appear to me? I mean, obviously you're meant to end up with Lucretia . . . Oh, fuck, I actually read the first chapter of this fucking fanfic like five minutes before you popped out of nowhere. Lucretia is Volde--I mean, the Dark Lord's daughter." She noticed he had opened him mouth to correct her when she almost said Voldemort's name.

"Her parentage is quite obvious, as is Miss Prince's. Apparently, I had sex with one person in my entire life, pleasured her immensely despite my lack of experience, and lied about my last name. I have yet to figure out how she was put in your world, but I realize she must have since she is my obvious daughter. I daresay the Dark Lord had sex with either Narcissa or Bellatrix, although it may be a surprise and he had sex with some character never heard of before; I'm not sure. I also want to tell you that there will come a time I will not know these facts, even though they are extremely obvious, and I find that an insult to my intelligence."

Anne nodded, rubbing the back of her head and smiling when it didn't hurt when she did that. "Yeah, well, at least in my shitty Mary Sue story--which I stopped writing, mind you--her name was Lisa Sweeney--that was her adoptive name--and she was your niece. Her mother performed a spell a week before she died, using the power from the lightning storm to send her to another world, and then a bolt of lightning hit her in the real world and brought her back here. You didn't figure it out because Lucius lied and said he killed the young child as well as the parents. Anyway, the Defence teacher was also Vol--Dark Lord's daughter, but her name was . . . um, Anne." She cleared her throat and looked away from him.

"Anne?" She nodded, still too embarrassed to look at him. "What was her last name?"

"Williams."

"Look at me," he said, then he furrowed his eyebrows slightly, as if what he'd said brought back an unpleasant memory. She met his eyes and smiled nervously at him. "What's your last name?"

"Roberts."

He stared at her for a moment, then nodded. "Very well, then. And what did she look like?"

"Just like me, only your age, and she had perfectly curly hair--not this frazzled mess, but just so you know, I can make it look good with gel--but of course, her hair was naturally perfect, no gel needed. Oh, and she had red hair." He cocked an eyebrow up at her. She shrugged. "I had dyed my hair red at the time. But this is my natural colour," she said, pointing at her dirty-blonde hair.

"Why red?"

"It looks better with my complexion. Anyway, you and Anne had been best friends in Hogwarts, and did everything together, except you became a Death Eater, and then the Dark Lord was going to make her join you guys, so you and Sirius--who she dated along with Lucius, despite the fact she was eleven and Lucius was, like, seventeen--hid her in America. She continued to love you."

Snape was suddenly very quiet and his lips were pursed. Anne realized why he was upset--she'd made Anne his best friend, when in reality, it had been Lily. "It was before I knew about Lily," she added.

He nodded slowly, but she noticed he was still very sour-looking. "That is very similar to what happened to Lucretia, except for I found her being tortured by her _father_ and I smuggled her to America, keeping my mask on so she would not recognize me. We were not friends, for she went to Durmstrang. The author that is writing this horrible fanfic made Lily . . . A glory-seeking, air-headed bitch to put it politely. I had that false memory when I spoke to Lucretia for the first time."

"I never did that. I always made Lily a hero, whenever I wrote about her, no exception. Always. It was James and Sirius I made prats--never her."

"When I mentioned I forgot Lily, and my love for her, you . . . Seemed more determined. If you love me, why were you offended I forgot her? Had Lily shown to me and had no recollection of Potter, I would not have been so kind."

"Yeah, well, James was a prat. At least in Hogwarts."

"I am not such a kind person."

"And you've spent years atoning for it. Trust me, no matter what you do, I'll still love you, and think you deserve the best in life. Even if you had turned out to be evil." Anne went to stick her hands in her pants pockets, then remembered she was wearing robes, and realized she didn't know what to do with her hands. She settled for folding them across her chest.

Snape was quiet for a moment. "Why do you love me? I don't understand."

"Fuck, me neither, but I guess it doesn't have to. It's love, right? I could ask why Lily fell in love with James, 'cause I don't fucking see how that happened. I've tried writing a romance between them, but it wouldn't work. But I guess that's why JK Rowling is the famous writer and not me."

"Why would you try to write a romance between them?"

"My sister, Karen, asked me to. It was complete shite, though, so I erased it. She doesn't like you, and says that if you wanted to stop being teased, then you shouldn't have projected the image they teased you about, and washed your damn hair. She, unlike me, was never teased in school, and didn't get it, so she's a fucking bitch, and of course she would like James. She thought the whole lake scene was hilarious. Stupid bitch. Like she knows anything about being teased--she was always popular, and you know, when I told her about what really happened between you and Lily--you know, after the final book--she said she felt bad for you, but that her and James were fucking meant to be. Her boyfriend is a lot like James, though, so of course she'd fucking stick up for him, and you know what, she hasn't spent one fucking moment with my mother since her freshman year, and now she's a senior, and I moved out, so my mother hasn't had anybody to talk to, I fucking hate my sister. Stupid bitch." Anne's voice had gotten steadily louder and more fast paced, just as her walking had.

When she realized she had gotten carried away with talking about her sister, she cleared her throat. "Um, not saying that JK was wrong with making them get together, I just couldn't do it." She cleared her throat again.

"Are you quite all right?" he asked, staring at her with raised eyebrows and a very curious expression on his face.

"Fucking magnificent," she said cheerily, smiling briefly at him, then walked a bit faster.

"Seems I struck a nerve." She made a noise to show that she agreed with him. "Which house do you think you'll be in?"

"Slytherin, maybe with the traces of a Ravenclaw. Kurt will probably be Slytherin, with the traces of a Gryffindor. We're both brave, but only because we like to show off the fact we're not scared. Scratch Gryffindor for him, then. He's a straight up Slytherin. I'll get in Slytherin too, but I'll wager the Hat will say I would be good in Ravenclaw. If he gives me a choice like he did with Harry, I'll pick Slytherin. It probably won't though. Anyway, why do you ask?"

He raised an eyebrow at Anne. "You talk far too much. You and your brother alike. It gave Harry a choice?"

"Yeah, Gryffindor or Slytherin. He picked Gryffindor because Hagrid told him all Slytherins were assholes. Well, not exactly. He said that all Death Eaters were Slytherins. Anyway . . . So why did you ask?"

He shrugged. "I was merely curious as to how much I would be seeing of you and your brother. You two are in the same year now, so try not to argue whilst in class."

"My brother and I rarely argue. It's not like he's my fucking sister, who I argue with every fuckin' time I see her. Neither of us are really fond of the bitch." Anne kicked a rock and it flew a few feet down the path they walked along.

"Why Ravenclaw, if not Slytherin?"

"I value knowledge." She raised an eyebrow at him. "Um, not that it bugs me or anything, but why are you asking so many questions about me?"

"I want to know why the spell thinks that you and your brother can help us. As you said, JK Rowling would have been a more suitable choice, and I take it there are probably more avid fans than you. I am merely trying to piece together a puzzle. Even you admitted you wrote a horrid story." She shrugged and looked at the castle ahead. He was right. She didn't know why it had been her the spell had picked, along with her brother. "Have you written any other stories?"

"Fucking hundreds. _Buffy_ fics, _Firefly_ fics, _Harry Potter_ fics, _Prince of Persia_ fics, _Dogma_ fics, _Animorphs_ fics . . . Maybe some _Angel_ fics, too."

He blinked at her, slightly taken aback. "And you've posted them all?"

"No, I've only posted two. One about Dumbledore and Grindelwald, and one about you and this girl who looks a lot like Lily and doesn't know why you always look at her weird."

"How does that one end?" he asked carefully.

Anne went off about the story she was writing about him, explaining it in as much detail as possible, even quoting it at times. She explained why she did what she did to the characters and why she thought the characters would react that way if put in that situation. She felt an even more urgent need to explain why she made him act the way he had, simply because she didn't want to anger him, and she explained plenty of times that Lily was viewed as a great person in that story. Even though it wasn't finished yet, she had the whole story planned out, and explained all the way to the end, although it hadn't been written yet. She figured it didn't matter if she ruined the end of the story--it wasn't like he was going to be reading it anytime soon.

After she finished a long while later, they were strolling across the grounds to the school. "I suppose, if that had happened, it may have gone that way. At least you kept the events canon." He said nothing else about the story, whether he thought it was good or not, and she blushed slightly. She hadn't meant to talk so much in front of him

As soon as they passed through the doors, he swayed as if he was dizzy, looked at her, and said; "I feel my awareness waning . . . And by the way, you talk _far_ too much . . ."

They hurriedly went to the Great Hall. He went up to the staff table, and she found Kurt, who was sitting amongst the first years. Raven was sitting beside him, folding her arms and pointedly looking away from him. Kurt was studiously ignoring her as well.

The three of them looked enormous compared to the rest of the first years. When she sat by him, he said, "How the fuck did you get here so fast? We just barely got in here!"

"Really? Huh . . . I swear Snape and I walked for like two fucking hours . . ."

"What the hell were you walking with Snape for, huh? Like he'd walk with a bitch like you!" shouted Raven suddenly, showing them her middle finger.

"Wow, I didn't realize you were in the conversation," Anne snapped, glaring at Raven, who just glared back. Anne noticed that Anne was amazingly attractive, but did resemble Snape quite a bit. Perhaps if Snape was a breathtakingly sexy sixteen-year-old girl. How fucking original. Anne felt a little intimidated, though, because Anne was merely average, as was her brother beside her, and Raven obviously didn't care about hurting them, and she was more powerful as well.

"I can talk to whoever I want whenever I want and you had no right walking around with Snape." They all looked up at the staff table to see that Snape was staring at Lucretia longingly while they talked animatedly about something. Anne cringed and clenched her teeth together. Lucretia looked like Alicia Silverstone, only somehow more beautiful, although Alicia Silverstone was actually quite attractive. How the hell could she compete with that? Not that she wanted to, of course . . .

Anne snarled. "In case you hadn't noticed, this is an A--" she pointed at herself "--B--" she pointed at Kurt "--conversation, so why don't you C--" she waved her hand dismissively "--your way out of it?"

"Stupid prep!" snapped, then flipped her off again, smirking because she obviously thought her comeback was amazing, although it was pathetic.

"Really? That's all you've got? Anything else you wanna say? 'Cause, really, that was shite. Aren't you supposed to be a master of wit?" Raven opened her mouth to say something, but Anne rolled her eyes. "Just fuck off, all right?"

She rolled her eyes and turned away from them, folding her arms. Kurt and Anne smirked at each other, then noticed that every person in the Great Hall was torn between looking at Raven and Lucretia, as if they couldn't decide who was more attractive.

Anne leaned closer and spoke in a whisper, so that Raven wouldn't overhear. "Yeah, Snape and I walked for two hours, or just about."

"You came in right after we all did."

"Must be another plot hole, so--hey, where are all the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs?" Anne said that last part loud, then sat up straighter, noticing for the first time that while the Gryffindor and Slytherin table were filled with what looked like an appropriate amount of students, there were other three people on the Ravenclaw table, and one of the Hufflepuff table.

Raven turned to look at her in confusion. "What are you talking about? They're right there, dumbass!"

Anne went to contradict her, but then she noticed that all the tables were suddenly filled, as if they had been all along. "Oh . . . Never mind, I just looked at it wrong . . ." she muttered in confusion, wondering what the hell had just happened.

Anne and Kurt looked at each other. "What the fuck's going on?" Kurt mumbled. "First the thing in the train, then the thing in the carriage--it just got weirder after that, Draco starting pouring his life story out to me, something about Lucius beating the shit out of him with his pimp cane--now that? What the fuck was that?"

Before Anne could tell him she had no idea, a loud song interrupted her.

"_Oh, I am a Hat and I Sort_

_All of you miserable prats._

_Preps and Jocks that fuck and consort_

_Each other with wild abandon are slutty brats_

_And are stupid and don't know life_

_Or how it feels to be hurt and alone_

_and cut your arm with a knife_

_And be misunderstood, you preppy drone _

_Because you are rich scumbags._

_If you are put in Gryffindor then you_

_Are brave and noble and stags_

_And Slytherins fucking rock, it's true!_

_Ravenclaws are smart and shit_

_And Hufflepuff, well_

_doesn't matter, does it?_

_Anyway, I'm swell_

_Put me on and I'll put you where_

_Ever it is you belong_

_But if you're a prep I swear_

_You can suck on my schlong."_

The entire Great Hall erupted into cheers and applause.

"What the fuck was that?" Kurt asked, staring at the hat as if it had erupted into flames that threatened to burn the place down.

Anne blinked at the hat, staring at it in exactly the same way Kurt had. "Really shitty poetry," she answered.

After that, each student went up and got sorted. Apparently they were the last three to be Sorted, even though they should have all been Sorted in the middle, since Raven's last name began with a P and theirs started with an R.

"Oh, Kurt, you're sixteen, and I'm twenty, so we're both sixth years," she explained quietly, having just been remembered when she looked over and saw Snape drooling over Lucretia.

"When the fuck did this happen?" he asked just as quietly.

"The two hours it took for me to get here. How long was the carriage ride?"

"Uh, maybe a half-hour."

Anne scoffed and shook her head. "Stupid plot holes."

"Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince!" McGonagall called.

Raven walked over to the hat confidently, hips swaying seductively, hair shimmering from the light from the candles that floated around in the Great Hall. She sat down on the stool perfectly, the whole Great Hall staring at her with unconcealed want. Everyone except Snape, who was staring at Lucretia.

"_Oh, my God_

_What a surprise_

_I feel like a sod_

_I am a fool, I surmise._

_Raven, my dear,_

_You are so hard_

_To sort, I fear._

_Listen to me sing like a bard._

_You are brave and noble, like Gryffindor_

_And determined and cool, like Slytherin_

_And like Hufflepuff, loyal, understanding, patient, and what's more_

_You're like Ravenclaw, so intelligent Hermione looks dumb in comparison_

_Holy mother fucking shit_

_I don't know what to do_

_So I will just let it_

_Be left up to you." _

"Slytherin" she said loudly.

"Fuck!" both Kurt and Anne swore.

"_Good God, you knew what to do!_

_It's makes total sense--I am so dim!_

_Your father was there too_

_But you don't know him." _

Anne held her head in her hands. "This can't be fucking happening . . ."

"We're gonna be stuck with the bitch! Mother fucker! Send her to Gryffindor with Harry Potter--he's a Mary Sue too!" he growled, though not loud enough for the Hat or Raven to hear.

Raven walked over to the Slytherin table and sat right next to Draco. Draco draped his arm around her.

"Anne Roberts!" McGonagall shouted.

"You know, she really should be saying the last names first," Anne grumbled to Kurt, then stood up and trudged along to the Hat, setting it on her head.

_Well, well, well, what have we here? You're smart, yes, but you use it to manipulate. Stubborn, too, and a thirst for power . . ._

"What? I don't get a poem?" she whispered, completely confused, and a bit annoyed.

_Ran out of words, you see._

"Oh."

"SLYTHERIN!" the hat shouted, and Anne jumped at the loud voice.

She went over to the table, noticing that Raven flipped her off the entire time. She sat at the table and waited for her brother to join her, and he, of course, was also put into Slytherin. She knew that this wasn't going to end very well.

Kurt sat beside her. "Well . . . Maybe you'll get to suck on Snape's knob after all."

* * *

A/N--Yeah, yeah, I know, I shamelessly mentioned my other fics . . . well, the fics on the internet don't have commercials, so why not promote stuff in a clever way? Oh, and I mean no offence to Americans either--I am an American (from Utah) but I jstu noticed a lot of Mary Sues also come from there. Anne and Kurt aren't American though, simply because I though it would get redundant. Everything else about us is true, though. Unfortunately.


	7. And The Crap Continues

Chapter 6: And The Crap Continues . . .

When Anne and Kurt walked into the Slytherin common room, they both let out a groan of annoyance. The entire common room was surrounding Raven. They all sat cross-legged on the floor and stared at her with adoration, while she stood, tossing her black hair over her shoulder dark eyes glittering in the dim greenish light of the Slytherin common room. She stood and regarded all those sitting around her as if she was a teacher talking to a bunch of little kids.

". . . father continued to abuse me every day, rape me, hit me, all of that sort of stuff, but it's all right, 'cause it's not that big of a deal--I'm used to it by now. It hasn't affected me at all, really. But I'm glad I'm here, because now I can get away from my horrible life--a life far worse than either of you could ever have. My only regret is that I could never find out who my real parents were . . ."

Kurt and Anne looked at each other, and Anne rolled her eyes.

"Snape's your fucking dad, dumbass!" Kurt shouted as Anne started to walk away. Anne flinched, then smacked her forehead. "Are you that fucking retarded? Your goddamn last name is Prince! Guess what? Snape fucked some chick and gave her his mum's last name!"

There was a collective gasp from the Slytherin common room. Anne slowly turned and saw that Raven was floating in midair, a good five feet above anybody's head, a dark aura around her, lightning sparking off of her skin, her black hair flowing behind her majestically. Oddly enough, she managed to look beautiful while doing this. Anne scowled.

"Did I give you permission to talk? Why don't you take a hint--nobody likes you! How dare you interrupt my story!" She shot lightning at Kurt, and he flew back, smacked against a wall, and hit the ground, while she continued to shoot him with lightning.

"Stupefy!" Anne shouted, pointing her wand at Raven.

Raven stumbled a bit from the spell that hit her. She turned her focus from Kurt to Anne. "Cruc--"

"Incarcerous!" Anne screamed, and roped flew from her wand and wrapped around Raven. Raven fell to the floor and wriggled, glaring at Anne. Anne lowered her wand, realizing that everybody was staring at her evilly.

"How dare you!" Pansy shouted, standing up, pointing dramatically at Anne.

Kurt stood up wearily, body twitching slightly. "How the fuck am I not dead? That was fucking lightning!" he shouted out fearfully.

"I am not a murderer! Now untie me!"

Anne turned and looked at Raven, who was struggling against the ropes. Everybody was still glaring at Anne evilly. "Can't you do it yourself?" she snapped.

Just then, the portrait burst open and a devastatingly sexy man came striding towards them, tossing his long, dark hair over his shoulder, smiling in a devilishly handsome way, wearing the most flattering pair of jeans and tight, white shirt any man could ever wear. Bon Jovi's "Bad Medicine" began to play loudly throughout the halls of Hogwarts. Anne and Kurt looked around curiously, wondering where the music came from, but then returned to stare at the man, who was walking in slow motion.

"Hello," the man greeted, his voice also sexy, the music's volume lowering slightly so they could hear him speak, "my name is Sirius Black."

"What the fuck?" Anne mumbled, while Kurt scratched the top of his head in confusion. "You died."

"Oh, yes, about that . . . Well, both Raven and Lucretia went to the ministry--the ministry let Lucretia in, of course, since there _is_ a prophecy about her--and then they stood in front of the veil, and brought me back. I am eternally grateful, of course, since now the world knows that I am innocent. Go me."

"Um . . . Cool . . ." Anne murmured, still looking at him in confusion.

"Well, I should be going now . . . I have stuff to do."

Kurt and Anne looked at each other while Sirius walked off, the volume blaring again, the words to "Bad Medicine" slowly fading until he stood beside Raven, and with a flick of his wand, the ropes disappeared, and she stood up.

"That bitch is the one who put the ropes on me," she said, then pointed at Anne.

"She cursed my brother and was about to curse me! It was self-defence!"

Sirius was suddenly in front of Anne, towering above her, dark eyes flashing angrily. Anne jumped slightly--how had he appeared in front of her so quickly? "Listen here. You are to respect Raven and do as she says, or you will be hearing from me."

Anne clenched her teeth together and opened her mouth to yell at him, then Kurt grabbed her arm and shook his head warningly. She glared back at Sirius, scoffed, then walked away.

"You know, for once, someone could bring Cedric back from the dead," she called over her shoulder as they began to walk off.

"Hufflepuff is full of losers, "Raven said as if it was obvious. Everybody laughed.

Kurt spun around and glared at Raven. "Yeah, you're right, Hufflepuff sucks--"

"Kurt, Mum is a Hufflepuff," she said, giving him an incredulous look.

"But Cedric was fuckin' tight as hell, and he deserved the fucking Triwizard rewards, and Harry fucking Potter didn't deserve shit! Cedric is not a loser, he was the _real_ champion, so next time you decide to fucking play God and bring Sirius back from the dead, why not bring Cedric too? And who the fuck are you to decide who deserves resurrection? Last I checked, you weren't Jesus fucking Christ!"

Raven stared at Kurt strangely, as if he had somehow hurt her feeling. Sirius shifted uncomfortably.

Anne and Kurt looked at each other, wondering why everyone was suddenly silent.

"Fuck yeah, Harry Potter sucks!" Draco cried happily, then rushed over to Kurt's side.

"Harry Potter is a wonderful boy!" Sirius contradicted.

Raven stood up straighter. "Draco, really, he isn't that bad."

Draco showed her the middle finger, smirking sexily. Anne elbowed him gently and he looked at her in confusion. She held up her index and middle finger, demonstrating the two finger salute that was the equivalent of the middle finger. Draco nodded in realization, then showed her his two fingers, smirking again. "Fuck Harry Potter," he drawled.

Raven looked like her world had just crashed down around her, and she swayed slightly, tears welling up in her eyes.

Draco draped his arm around Anne and leaned against her. Anne shifted uncomfortably, then casually plucked Draco's arm off of her. Draco wasn't offended at all.

"Draaaaaaacccccooooooooooo!" Pansy wailed, running towards him, eyes wide with adoration and mouth up in a smile. Draco put his palm against her forehead and shoved her backwards.

"Let's go wander the school like we own the place," Draco stated, tossing his silvery blonde hair from his blue eyes.

"You'll get in trouble Blondie Bear!" Pansy wailed as she stood up, brushing off her leather miniskirt and lacy bra.

"No we won't," Anne called over her shoulder as they got ready to leave the common room. "Snape's the only one who ever patrols the corridors, and he won't take points from Draco."

Kurt and Anne slapped palms together. "Fuckin' right, 'bout time we use clichés to our advantage!"

* * *

It was the next morning at breakfast, and Anne and Kurt were sitting beside Draco, Crabbe and Goyle sitting in front of them, blinking stupidly, still not talking. Raven was sitting beside them, folding her arms and pouting, although she kept casting hopeful glances at Draco. Obviously she was waiting for Draco to notice her pouting face. Anne was glad that, for some odd reason, Draco was not aware of her astounding beauty. Perhaps it was because he was in the middle of a discussion with Kurt.

"And what the fuck was up with him getting to be Seeker his first fucking year? I mean, yeah, he's really fucking good, but rules should apply to everyone!"

"Yeah, I know, and they say Snape is a biased git! I bleeding begged for him to let me join the team, and he said no! And I'm his favourite student! I hate the bloody scarhead, always doin' what he wants just 'cause he's Harry Potter," Draco complained, stabbing a potato with his fork.

Kurt finished swallowing a piece of meat he'd cut off, then slammed his fist down on the table. "And Slytherin had the House Cup and what did Dumbledore do at the last fucking minute? Gave Gryffindor a shit load of points, that he could have given earlier! That's like winning a fucking race and then getting the trophy ripped out of your fucking hand and it being given to some kid in a fucking wheelchair and the announcer saying that he deserved it 'cause he was a cripple and it was harder for him! Bullocks! It was just 'cause he's fucking Harry Potter! He wasn't supposed to be going after the stone in the first fucking place!"

Anne sighed and rolled her eyes, then leaned closer to Kurt. "I agree with you there, Kurt, but you have to admit it was good he went after the Stone."

"Yeah, but to give him points? And it wasn't just him who helped!"

"Dumbledore gave Ron and Hermione points," she reminded, raising her eyebrows at him.

"Yeah, but who gets all the fucking pats on the back and good jobs and fame? Fuckin' Harry Potter, never mind the fact that Ron fuckin' has always been the best friend and had to stay out of the spotlight and never mind that the bitch Hermione whore skank slut bag figured out that little poem potion thing, no, not them, they don't get any kudos, no, just Harry. Perfect Harry Potter, who can fly like a fucking God and is a parselmouth and, oh, by the way, a Mary Sue."

Draco and Kurt slapped palms together.

"Wait, how do you know what a Mary Sue is? And why do you know so much about Harry Potter?" Raven asked, giving the both of them curious looks.

Anne blinked at her. "Oh, so you're talking to us? I thought we were beneath you and all of that."

"Just answer the question."

She let out a sigh. "Well, we live a block or so away from Harry, so it makes sense. He was the only wizard our age, so we talked to him every now and then, well, when his aunt and uncle weren't home, obviously. Nothing major. I mean, we're not best friends or anything, we just talk. That's all." Anne shrugged, sighing. Did this make it true? Hopefully it did, otherwise it would be very awkward if Raven ever asked Harry about it.

"And? What about the Mary Sue?"

"Star Trek fanfic. Mum is a half blood, so we have the Internet. Mary Sues have been around forever, really. Actually, I think the term Mary Sue comes from a Star Trek fanfic--some girl name Lt. Mary Sue."

She blinked at Anne, then brushed her black hair over her shoulder. "Huh. I didn't know that."

Anne shrugged. "Yeah, well, nobody can know everything, right?"

Raven swayed slightly, as if she'd been hit by a dizzy spell, and then a hush fell over the Great Hall. It lasted for a few seconds, if that, and Draco's eyes went from dazzling blue to grey. Anne and Kurt glanced at each other, then shrugged.

All sound came back. "Fuck, speak of the fucking devil," Kurt grumbled

Harry walked over to the Slytherin table, which was a definite first. He looked down the table and shifted uncomfortably. Anne realized that Harry looked exactly like Daniel Radcliffe, except for his eyes were a brilliant green as opposed to Dan's blue ones. Anne didn't really find Daniel Radcliffe attractive--she thought he looked a bit like a toad, really--but she thought he fit Harry's role very well, so it never really bugged her. Now that she thought about it, Draco looked exactly like Tom Felton . . . Except his eyes were now grey.

"Oh, hey Anne," Harry greeted genially.

Anne smiled at him. "Hey, Harry," she greeted back.

"How's your mum? Dad?"

She shrugged. "They're fine."

He shifted his weight onto his other foot and looked around the table nervously. "Well, that's good. It's neat that you're going here this year. 'Bout time, you're twenty. Sixth year, huh? Well, that sucks, having to start here."

She furrowed her eyebrows. "I'm nine--" She remembered that they'd had to change her age to fit some weird zodiac law. "Yeah, I'm twenty. Sucks starting late. Anyway . . ."

"I thought you were nineteen?" Raven asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

"I lied," Anne said causally with a shrug. "And Kurt is sixteen."

"Really? When is his birthday, then?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.

"June fifth, 1980, like it's any of you fuckin' business," snapped Kurt, narrowing his hazel eyes.

Draco looked at Kurt with a grin on his face. "Really? We have the same birthday. Kurt looked at Draco, shrugged, then went back to eating. Draco looked up at Harry. "What the hell are you doing here, Potter?"

"Well, I was just . . . uh . . ." He looked down at Raven and smiled at her flirtatiously. Raven blushed and looked down, twirling a strand of her perfect black hair around her finger. They both stared at each other with want, the tension thick. Anne rolled her eyes. It didn't take much to figure out who Raven was supposed to end up with at the end of the story. He then shook his head and smiled at Anne. "I just wanted to say hi to Anne and Kurt. They live a block or so away from me."

Kurt rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath that didn't sound very pleasant.

Harry looked up and locked eyes with Lucretia, who was in the middle of talking with Snape animatedly. When their eyes locked, Harry suddenly grabbed his forehead and fell to the floor ,screaming hysterically, foaming at the mouth.

"Harry!" Raven shouted, then covered her mouth, tears forming in her eyes as she fell to her knees.

Anne had fallen to her knees too, and whipped off her cloak, so that she was now just wearing her school robes. "Here, lift his head, I'll put this under," she ordered. Raven gave her a dirty look. "Do you want him to smash his head on the fucking floor? Lift his head!"

Raven lifted his head while he continued to have his seizure, clutching his forehead. Anne put the cloak under his head and waited the seizure out. Finally, Harry stood up very casually, brushed his black bangs away from his scar, and looked around nervously.

"Anybody else notice his scar hurt when he looked at Lucretia?" Kurt aired haughtily.

Nobody responded.

"Are you okay?" Raven asked, her voice full of care.

He looked away, ashamed, then pulled out a razor and sliced his arm. His arm was free of cuts except for the one he just gave himself, despite the fact he'd sliced his arm twice the day before. "Voldemort killed my parents! Oh God!"

"You cut yourself too?" Raven asked, eyes wide.

Harry looked at her, staring at her like he'd never seen anything quite like her. "Yes . . ."

"I cut too," she whispered romantically.

"What the fuck? It's not a fucking come on, shit, it's not fucking romantic either," Kurt growled.

Harry shook his head. "I'll . . . see you later . . . Goodbye, Raven . . ." He then walked off.

Raven sat back down, smiling to herself, still blushing heavily.

Kurt and Anne looked at each other, sighed, then returned to their plates.

Just then, Dumbledore stood up, cleared his throat, and addressed the room at large. "Good morning all! Before we start classes, I have to tell you all something. The Ministry has just passed a new law, and it concerns some of our students."

"Oh, fuck," Anne murmured, then held her head in her hands.

"The ministry has decided that, in light of recent events--you know ,the way and stuff--they should try and get rid of this anti-mudblood nonsense."

"Did Dumbledore just say mudblood?" Kurt asked Anne, confused.

"But the law only affects those who are of age, and for this school year only. I mean, they couldn't possibly force this law on everyone for the rest of all time, could they?" He laughed and shook his head, and his eyes twinkled. Anne wondered how she could tell they were twinkling, considering she was sitting quite a long ways away from the headmaster. "So, this law will become void September 1st of next year. So if you are not seventeen years old or older, then you don't really need to pay attention to the rest of my speech. Well, not necessarily . . . If you are picked, well, then . . . It applies to you . . ."

"Picked? What the fuck?" Kurt mumbled.

"For marriage," Anne whispered quietly to Kurt.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled again. "For those who are of age--that means seventeen years old or older--then this law pertains to you, and any of those who you choose. Okay. Here goes. Every mudblood--"

"There he is, saying mudblood again," Kurt noticed, and Anne glared at Raven evilly. Dumbledore would never say that word.

"--and half-blood must marry a pureblood, that way all the purebloods will have to associate with mudbloods, and then there won't be any hostility between the two. You must find a fiancée by the end of the week, be married before Christmas--that way there will be time for romance and getting to know each other--and have a child, or be pregnant, by September of next year, otherwise you will be put in Azkaban for blatant prejudice against either purebloods or mudbloods. Of course, mudbloods and half-bloods have the choice, so if you are picked, then you must accept--unless you are, of course, a half-blood or mudblood yourself, then you cannot be picked. Also, because of statutory rape laws, the half-bloods and mudbloods can only pick someone who will turn seventeen before September 1st of next year."

"That means . . . Well, us, Kurt," Draco muttered. "If I get picked, it had better be a half-blood. And it better not be Granger . . . Although she has gotten quite hot over the summer . . ."

"Gee, wonder where this is going," Kurt grumbled and rolled his eyes.

"So, mudbloods and half-bloods, have fun! This includes every mudblood or half-blood that is seventeen or older at this very moment. Half-bloods and mudbloods younger do not count. Those of age, and older, may pick anyone who is a pureblood, is of age, or will be before September of next year. You have until next Monday--a week from today--to hand in your choice to me. Then your marriage must be before Christmas, and pregnant before September of next year. Or you will both be put in Azkaban. Oh, and by the way, only boy-girl couples count."

"We're purebloods, right?" Kurt asked quietly.

"Yep, so unless we're picked, we don't count."

"Guess what? I'm a half-blood. The Hat said so last night, so because I'm not seventeen yet, this law doesn't apply to me whatsoever," Raven aired, as if anybody really cared about her parentage. "Strange, though. I remember the Hat saying that my dad was also in Slytherin, so that means my mom was a muggle, and in this world. Strange."

"Snape's your dad, I've already told you," Kurt snapped.

Raven rolled her eyes. "Snape can't be my dad."

"What the fuck ever."

Dumbledore was still standing and looking at the crowd of students. His eyes twinkled brightly. "Everyone eat up! And remember that Gryffindors and Slytherins have ever class together, to promote house unity! Have fun!" His eyes twinkled once again, and a few students who were rather close to the headmaster burst into flames at the close proximity and strength of his twinkling. He put the fire out with his wand, and the charred students ran to the hospital wing, crying.

"I hate this place," Anne grumbled.

* * *

A/N--sorry about taking so long to update, but I went to my mother's for thanksgiving.


	8. Indecent Proposal

Chapter 7: Indecent Proposal

When Anne walked into Potions at the end of the day, they expected some sense of normalcy. They had every class with the Gryffindors, and none of the teachers were horribly out of character--with the exception of McGonagall, who took five points from Slytherin from each Slytherin student just as they walked into class, and for no apparent reason. Raven had commented that McGonagall had always been more biased than Snape, and that she hated her. Anne and Kurt had merely looked at each other, and understood exactly what McGonagall's problem was.

However, nothing had prepared them for Potions with Snape.

When they walked in, there was no hideous Potions master with the long, hooked nose, and the long, greasy hair, and the black, tunnel-like eyes, with the black robes that clung to his frail, thin form, while he sneered with his thin mouth. There were no glares towards the Gryffindors, no snide comments to Harry, and no dirty looks directed towards the Golden Trio, the Dream Team, or whatever it was the author preferred to call them.

Snape was attractive.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, _attractive._

He was, by no means, as attractive as Draco, who strode in shirtless, his previously-icy-blue-but-now-grey eyes sparkling, walking beside Kurt and Anne. He wasn't as attractive as Sirius Black, who Anne had seen roaming the halls with no particular purpose. But there was no doubt that he was a good-looking man.

His black hair was silky, and just past his collarbone. His nose was large, yes, and slightly curved, but in an aristocratic way, not to mention hypnotizing bla--no, _obsidian_ eyes; perfect white, straight teeth behind an interestingly curved mouth that was definitely soft and kissable. However, nothing compared to the perfect body he had hidden behind his robes--which looked identical to the clothes he wore in the movie, incidentally. In short, he looked like a younger, thinner, more attractive Alan Rickman--not that Alan Rickman needed to be more attractive in Anne's eyes, of course not, but it was somehow true. Imagine the Sheriff of Nottingham or the Metatron--one cannot deny that Alan Rickman is more attractive in those movies. Or some say, anyway. Anne thought he looked fine just as he was.

But this was not the Snape from the day before.

"Er . . . Snape looks . . . different . . ." Anne mumbled while he smiled a half-smile to all of his students.

Kurt furrowed his eyebrows. "No fuckin' kidding. Shit."

"What are you talkin' about? Snape looks the same he always does," Draco aired, sitting beside Pansy, who was wearing tiny leather shorts (tiny meaning it might as well have been underwear) and a fishnet top over a lacy bra. "Hey, Professor! WAAAAZZZUUUPPPP?" Draco yelled, waving, sticking out his tongue.

"WAAAAZZZZUPPPPP!!!???" Pansy shrieked, sticking her tongue out, and shaking her head slightly.

"WAAAZZZAUPPPPP??!!!?!?!" Raven joined.

"SHUT UP!" Anne yelled, just as she saw Snape's mouth open to join the chorus.

Everybody did and looked at her in anger and confusion--except Snape, who furrowed his brows at her, like he had been struck with déjà vu.

"Hey, Professor," Hermione greeted cheerily, walking over to him in her mini-skirt and luscious brown curls. "Would you like to marry me?"

"Miss Granger, I am a half-blood. Sorry," he said, sweeping behind his desk, his cloak billowing behind him majestically, like a black sea whose currents washed along the shore.

Just as Kurt sat beside Draco, Anne sat beside her brother. Pansy got up off of her bench and relocated herself on Draco's lap, and Raven was forced to sit by Anne. Anne was fully ready to ignore Raven entirely, but then she leaned over and whispered; "I already knew Snape was a half-blood. You see, there's a whole book about it. I'd thought it was Lily the whole time . . . Though I guess, she might have helped . . ."

"Hmm," Anne hummed, simply to show that she'd heard. She was staring at the newly-hot Snape, although her face did not wear a pleasant expression.

"But I don't think the whole Lily thing ever happened--not that you know what I'm talking about, of course--but Snape still is the Half-Blood Prince, and I guess his Potions book would be in the storeroom, with the old books . . ." Anne didn't like the gleam in Raven's perfectly shaped black eyes. "And there still are Horcruxes . . . Good thing Lucretia is a parselmouth . . . huh . . ."

"How do you know Lucretia is a parselmouth?" Anne asked, although she didn't really care too much.

"She told me when we were shopping. That's okay, though, because I'm a animagus. A black cat." She smiled warmly. Anne rolled her eyes. "We'll have Lucretia for class tomorrow. You know, in DADA."

"In your father?" Anne asked casually, keeping an eye on Snape.

"What?"

"You know, in your dada," Anne said with a smirk, finally looking at Raven.

Raven started laughing, which was like water trickling over pebbles of love and happiness. Everybody turned and stared at Raven, listening to the amazing sound issuing from her mouth.

Kurt was laughing too, and he muttered something about Snape in between his laughs.

"I meant in--"

"I know what you meant," Anne interrupted, her eyes sliding back over to Snape, who was standing behind his desk while Hermione sulked over to sit with Ron and Harry, then pulled out a stack of books and plopped them on her desk, her chocolate brown eyes surveying the room studiously, and her eyes fell upon Draco with a determined look on her face.

"All right, class, time for some potions. This is a (his voice was too quiet, and so the potion was indecipherable) and the instructions are on the board." He waved his wand, and words appeared on the board. The words were too blurry to read, however.

"Can you read the ingredients?" Anne asked.

Kurt shook his head and squinted his eyes. "I don't . . . wait, it's starting to become clearer . . ." As the first word became easier to read, Anne noticed that Raven was putting in the first ingredient, without looking at the board. She elbowed Kurt and nodded her head towards Raven.

They watched her for a few minutes, throwing in random ingredients and stirring and boiling, and each time she did something, the ingredients became easier to read on the board.

"Do you see that? She's not even looking at the board!" Draco exclaimed, grey eyes wide with adoration.

"And nobody notices the ingredients fucking magically appear whenever she puts something in? No wonder she's fucking perfect. Stupid bitch."

Anne looked around with a thoughtful expression on her face, then leaned over. "Kurt, um, will you copy everything that she does to my potion and your potion? I'll only be gone for a sec."

"Hurry the fuck up then," he growled, then watched carefully as Raven threw in random ingredients.

Anne hurriedly walked over to Snape and stood in front of him, He looked up at her and smiled in a friendly way, which really freaked Anne out. "Er, Professor?"

"Yes, my child?" he said in a calming, soothing, mothering voice which made Anne want to gag. She noticed Snape smelled heavily of vanilla and lilies, which wasn't masculine in the slightest, and she found herself wondering if the author was harbouring lesbian tendencies.

Anne blinked a few times. "Erm . . . I, uh, I was wondering if I could go into the . . . storeroom and get an extra book?"

"Of course, darling. Here, have a cookie." He then procured a cookie from out of nowhere and handed it to her. She stared at it in confusion. "Is something wrong?"

"You're being, ah . . . You're in a rather good mood today."

"Am I?"

She nodded slowly. "Yeah . . . You haven't glared at Harry once," she revealed, staring into his eyes.

"Oh, Harry and are friends now."

Anne let out a harsh laugh that made Snape jump. When he stared at her with confusion, his attractive face staring up at her so innocently, she realized he was being serious. "Oh . . . So, what, like you guys hugged or something?"

"Yes, the Hug of Everlasting and Unconditional Fatherly Love ™. There was a rainbow and everything. Here, have another cookie."

"Er . . . I already have one," she said, holding it up.

"Take one for your brother then. Twenty points to Slytherin, by the way, for no apparent reason, because I'm biased like that." He practically forced the cookie into her hand.

Anne stared at him with an expression that implied she wanted to vomit. "Someone has just been canon-raped up the arse," she sang under her breath.

Snape swayed slightly, then looked at her with confusion. "Have we met? Before now, I mean . . . I get the strangest feeling that . . ." He furrowed his eyebrows.

"You picked me up from my house, remember?" she whispered.

He frowned, a faint crease appearing between his brows. "Yes . . . I seem to recall . . . That your brother slept with Bellatrix."

"Yep."

"Why are you talking to me again?"

"I . . . wanted a book . . ."

"Why do you want _that_ particular book?"

She shifted her eight onto her other foot. "Because Raven, um, is planning to canon-rape this world some more with it, and I want to hide it from her. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?"

He shook his head.

"Because I want to give it to Raven, because she is amazing, and also to Lucretia, the hottest teacher in the world."

"In that case, it's the first book on the left." She nodded and went to walk off, but then his hand on her arm stopped her from walking too far. He turned around to face him. "Twenty more points to Slytherin. Because I'm biased like that."

"All right, cool. Can I go get the book now please?"

"Of course."

With that, she hurriedly went into the storeroom. It was, literally, the first book on the left, and she picked it up, thumbed through it, then left the storeroom, going back over to her seat, and sticking the book into her schoolbag.

"What was that?" Kurt asked.

"The Half-Blood Prince's book," she whispered quietly so that Raven wouldn't hear, while she continued to copy everything that Raven did.

"What?"

"How far you in book six? What's the last thing you remember?"

"When Draco stomped on Harry's face, which is tight, by the way, and fucking awesome."

Anne blinked several times, apparently confused at what her brother had said. "Okay, um, sure, whatever. Well, it's a potions books that works better than what Slughorn teaches, 'cause the Half-Blood Prince wrote his own little notes in it and stuff."

"Why would you need a Potions book for Defence Against-- He stopped talking, looked at Snape, then looked back at her. "Oh, yeah, I forgot. You told me the other day that Snape was the new teacher. So, a Potions book huh? Someone good at potions, who is a half-blood."

She nodded, then returned to her potion, keeping her mouth shut. She had thought it quite obvious who the Half-Blood Prince was (a Potions book? Really? How many Potions masters were there that write ingredients on the board instead of getting them from a book?) but she decided to let Kurt come to his own conclusion.

"Well, fuck, that just ruined the whole fuckin' book for me, didn't it? Snape's the fucking Prince. The book might as well be called _Harry Potter and Severus Snape._ Fucking great. Next thing you know, someone will tell me who fucking dies."

"Probably," she agreed.

Suddenly the doors burst open and Professor Lucretia walked in, her womanly hips swaying, her full, large breasts bouncing, and her long, blonde hair blowing behind her as she walked. The fact that she was wearing clothes obviously inappropriate for a teacher went unnoticed (or, actually, noticed quite well, although perhaps in an inappropriate way) in eth same way nobody cared Draco was shirtless and Pansy was dressed a slut. Lucretia was wearing a white mini-skirt that flared and a pink tube top.

Then ,right in the middle of class, she walked over to Snape, pulled him out of his chair, and kissed him full on the mouth. Snape was stunned for a minute, then eventually melted into the kiss, wrapping his arms around her, and began to full-on snog her.

Anne turned her head away form the scene and began to examine everything but the kissing couple.

When they separated from each other, a very audible smacking sound declaring their separating, Lucretia giggled. Everybody whooped and hollered and cheered Snape on for snogging such a hot 'babe'.

"Severus Snape, will you be my husband; my one true love?"

Kurt pantomimed vomiting into his cauldron while Anne groaned.

"I beg your pardon?" he asked, stepping away form her, as if sickened, looking around the room in confusion.

"Because you have never loved anyone, I have decided to give you--"

"I loved Lily, you moron."

"What the fuck? Everybody's ruining the goddamn story for me!" Kurt cried, but his lamentation went unnoticed.

"Well, fine, but seeing as I'm a half-blood--my pureblood father raped a muggle woman for fun and ended up with me--and you're a pureblood, you have to--"

"I am not a pureblood. I am a half-blood. Father was a muggle. Now get out my sight!"

"You'd pick that glory-seeking bitch Lily Evans over me?" she asked innocently, blue eyes wide, while she indicated herself, sticking out her chest.

"OUT!" he demanded, pointing at the door, staring at her angrily.

Lucretia blinked stupidly at him, and Raven's mouth dropped as if it was a personal insult to her. Lucretia ran, sobbing, out of the classroom. Snape threw a bottle of ink at the door after it shut. Anne suppressed a laugh by snorting into her palm.

"Anybody who insults Lily Evans in my presence from now on will be punished, do you understand me? And I am fully aware, at least at the moment, that something very strange is going on here--and that I am not, ah, currently _myself_. I am in an extremely foul mood. Five points from each person from their respective house if the yare not wearing school uniforms--" There was a collective groan from the class, all except Kurt and Anne, who smiled smugly "--and ten points each to the respective house for anyone wearing school robes." Anne and Kurt smirked even more. "Longbottom, an additional ten points from Gryffindor your being present in my NEWT level class, considering you did not even scrape an E in the OWL exam."

Neville stood up from his bench, and skulked out of the classroom.

"But--But you were gonna be nice, 'cause we're friends, because you finally understood my family trauma?"

"I am not your friend; I will never be your friend. Five points for talking out of turn."

"Sir, the calculations of your point deducting has given me the answer that you have taken an absurd amount of points from Gryffindor, and therefore I must ask you refrain from taking even more!" Hermione shouted.

"Shut the fuck up, will ya? Like anyone really gives a shit, Dumbledore will just add a thousand points to your house at the end of the fucking year anyway," Kurt aired.

"Yeah, stupid mudblood," Draco snorted, raising his eyebrows sexily.

"Don't--say--that--word," Snape ground out through his teeth.

"Oh, Draco, I know you don't really mean that. Draco, I have something to ask you. Will you m--" She was unable to finish her sentence because of the fact Kurt had thrown a bezoar at her, and it hit her right in the face. She blinked stupidly, then tossed her perfect curly hair over her shoulder. "Draco, will you ma--"

"You can ask Ron," Anne stated loudly. "Since you're, what . . . almost seventeen, and he will be before September, and he's a pureblood. It makes sense."

"Oh . . . Yes, you're right, I didn't think of that . . ."

"I'm finished with my potion, sir!" Raven exclaimed, standing up, and holding the cauldron above her head.

"Really?" Kurt said, stood up, and knocked the cauldron out of her hands, spilling the bright orange liquid all over her black-and-green striped shirt and baggy black pants with zippers. She gasped and jumped back, shrieking. "I don't see no potion."

Draco and Kurt began laughing at her. "Kurt!" Anne snapped in a reprimanding tone, although judging by her half-smile and the fact her tone was slightly amused, she was trying very hard not to join them in their laughter.

"I hate my life," grumbled Snape, lowering his head. "Class is dismissed. No one will receive marks of any kind. Leave."

Everybody packed up their things and began to leave.

"Miss Roberts, I need to speak with you after class."

"Shit, you got in trouble for what I did!" Kurt exclaimed. Then he shrugged. "Aw well, works for me. See you later."

She sighed and lowered her head, a deep sense of foreboding filling her chest while Kurt and Draco left the class, talking about something (probably Harry) with Draco shoving Pansy away from his crotch.

She walked over to his desk and stood in front of it, just as Snape stood as well. A desk separated them, with Anne looking at his suddenly-attractive form. "Yes, Professor?"

He let out a sigh, then looked upward, as if something important was etched into the ceiling. "You are a pureblood, yes?"

"Yeah, I am. You starting to remember things again?"

He was still avoiding looking at her, which she thought was very odd. "And I am a half-blood."

"Yeah, I know."

There was a beat of silence.

"You're fucking joking, Snape. You've gotta be."

He shook his head, then looked at her. "No."

"Why me? I mean, there's other purebloods you can ask, I'm sure . . . I'm not even a permanent resident, remember? I'm only staying until I can fix this world . . . Well, hopefully . . ."

"I don't wish to force you into marrying me, of course, I can order someone else to do it, but I am _asking_ you." She nodded, feeling her heart leap into her throat. She took in a sharp breath and closed her eyes tightly. "As for why . . . I remember that you love me, and I would rather ask someone who loved me than someone who didn't."

She nodded slowly, feeling suddenly very hot and sick, and like she'd rather be anywhere but in front of him at the moment.

"Um . . . okay."

"Anne Roberts," he began, looking skyward, lips pursed and body rigid, "I am asking for your hand in marriage. Do you accept?"

She sighed and closed her eyes, the sinking feeling in her stomach unpleasant. "Yeah."

"That's SOOO kawaii!" Dumbledore said, striding out of a random closet, wearing a pair of rainbow robes with Lance Bass and Elton John on the front of them.

"Kawaii?" Snape repeated.

"Japanese for cute, "Anne explained.

"What are you doing in that closet?"

"Coming out of it, apparently." He then chucked a sherbet lemon at Anne, which hit her in the forehead, then twinkled his eyes so brightly the room flashed, then nodded solemnly at the both of them. "I remember I was gay a few minutes ago, but now I am straight again, so I have to change my clothes. Later, poppets!" He then ran out of the potions classroom.

Snape stood there, bewildered. "Well, I didn't expect that."

"And nobody expected the Spanish inquisition," Anne stated, raising an eyebrow.


	9. Canon Rape Ruins Everything!

Chapter 8: Canon-Rape Ruins Everything!

**eyesuhckatspeleeng--why do u want to kill raven you stupid bitch? And shut up about kurt, you're not supposed to like him!**

**And for those of u who keep reviewing and telling me bad things and obviously don't no wat good writing is, leave me THE FUCK ALONE!!!!!!! U r all preps b cuz u don't like my story and those of u who say u r real goth and that I am the one who doesn't no wat it's like to be goth and are calling me stereotypical well you don't even no me and u are the preps and don't no what it's like to be goth and y r u all liking kurt and anne they r evil and if that if the only reason u keep reading then stop.**

**A/N--speaking of anne and kurt, I have no idea where they came from it's like they act on their own, I swear, it's so weird!**

Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince Goes to Hogwarts in Harry Potter Land

Chapter 6: The Black Parade

(A/N--get it, like the MCR song? Gerard Way is so Hott!!!11!!1??/?!!/!?1)

Raven saw Kurt and Draco enter the common room, Draco so sexy compared to Kurt, who was a fat, ugly, in-no-way-shape-or-form-charming-or-funny asshole. Draco tossed back his blonde bangs from his face, his grey eyes bright.

"Thank God you and your sister were wearing school robes, otherwise we wouldn't have hardly any points. I'm thinking about wearing robes like you two. It does get a bit chilly walking around shirtless."

"So when did you start wearing muggle clothes? I thought you didn't like muggles and mudbloods and all that?"

"Well, actually, I--" Draco began, but he cut off, looking extremely confused.

Raven didn't even know why he was talking to Kurt, because they were nothing alike--obviously, look at the differences between them! Sleek, blonde hair versus dark brown fuzzy fro hair, and skinny versus fat, and hazel versus grey! And sexy versus ugly too. Obviously they could be nothing alike in personality either!

"I don't know, actually . . ." Draco muttered after awhile, looking down at his tight, black pants.

Raven, of course, knew, and so she stood up, tossing her long, black hair over her shoulder, and smiled. "Oh, remember Draco? You've never wanted to be a Death Eater or believed in what they did because your father beats you and your mother, remember?"

"Oh . . . yeah . . . That was weird, it was like I . . . forgot . . ." He rubbed the back of his head, frowning slightly.

Pansy ran into the common room and ran at Draco. She jumped into his arms, wrapping he legs around him, and kissing his face. "Blondie Bear!" she cried (A/N--like how Harmony calls Spike on Buffy. If you don't watch Buffy and don't know who Spike is, well, he's blonde and British like Draco, and hott, so it makes sense!)

Draco shoved Pansy off of him and looked at her like she was a disgusting bug that needed to be squashed. It was obvious that Draco deserved someone other than Pansy. (A/N--I never liked Pansy, she's so annoying in the books, and I don't think Draco would want to really be with someone like that gag so it's obvious that he's only with her because his parents betrothed them.)

Raven scoffed and rolled her eyes before glaring at Pansy. "Pansy, do you really think Draco likes you? Why would he like an ugly pug faced bitch like you? Ew."

Pansy stood up and looked at Raven, then ran, sobbing, in the other direction. Good, because Raven is that good with insults.

"What the fuck did she ever do to you? Draco was handling it just fine," Kurt snapped.

"You act like I'm in the wrong, asshole, but you don't know anything, so shut up," Raven snapped snappily, giving him one of her famous glares that reminded her of Snape.

Draco stared at Raven flirtatiously, then walked right in front of her. "Well . . . But you certainly aren't ugly, are you?" He brushed her black hair from her face, and Raven smiled, feeling all warm inside.

He leaned in and brought his mouth to hers. They kissed. It was really good.

Kurt rolled his eyes. "Figures," he muttered.

Just as Draco was fondling her breasts, the portrait opened, and Anne walked in. She saw Raven and Draco kissing, and because she was an ugly prude who probably didn't know anything about kissing 'cause she was a loser, said; "Get a room, guys. Seriously."

Raven pulled away from Draco, who nibbled her neck. It felt really good when he did that. "Just 'cause you're a prude doesn't mean I have to be! It's not like we're having sex!"

Anne rolled her eyes, and shook her head, obviously because she was too stupid to come up with anything cool to say, because Raven was just smart like that. (A/N--honestly, I hate it when people get upset when I make out with my hott boyfriend in the lunch room really like why should they care what I do in public?)

"Well, do what you like then, you're only embarrassing yourself," Anne finally said.

Raven pulled away form Draco, her anger radiating around her like a hot flame, her black aura coming back. "Embarrassing to make out with the hottest guy at Hogwarts?"

"After knowing him for a day?" added Anne.

"Well, I fucked Bellatrix after knowing her one day . . ."

Anne opened her mouth, then shrugged. "Never mind, do what you like, I just thought you'd wanna be with Harry is all--you two were obviously flirting."

Raven blinked. She hadn't meant for it to be so obvious, but she did like Harry. "Yeah, well, I'll only hang out with Harry when he stops hanging around Hermione an Ron, 'cause they're so annoying. Really. And I've known Draco for, like . . . Three years or something--I didn't read the books until the third movie came out, but I can't remember when that movie came out . . . But yeah, I've known him a lot longer than you have, so STFU!"

"Huh?"

"Shut the fuck up," Anne told Kurt, when he appeared to not know what Raven had said. Raven realized that Anne wasn't as stupid as she looked. Then again, Anne could be funny, if she wasn't such an annoying bitch from hell that didn't know a damn thing about how the world really was. Raven thought what she'd said about being in her 'dada' was pretty funny, not that she would ever admit it out loud.

Raven smirked at the both of them. "Yeah, so why don't you just go cry and be a baby and stuff because I know more about any of this world than you two ever could and I know each of the characters like I know the back of my hand! Remember, I read all the books, and I'm gonna get all the Horcruxes and destroy them and make sure this ends better than the crap JKR wrote! Ha!" (A/N--seriously, what was with that epilogue? And Dumbles being gay? WTF?) "It's all happy and cheery and Draco has a receding hairline, EW! And she killed Snape!"

"What the fuck will someone please shut the fuckin' world up and stop ruining shit for me? Fuckin' hell! God damn it!"

Ruining shit? Raven didn't know what he meant by that. "Oh, I'm not psychic or anything, so it's not gonna happen 'cause I won't make it happen. And Snape won't kill Dumbledore at the end of this year, either. No one will die."

"What? Snape kills Dumbledore? What? Why the hell does this always happen to me what the fuck god damn it I knew Snape was evil but FUCK why did you have to go and fuckin' tell me that? MOTHER FUCKER!"

"Oh, no, it was all an act--Dumbledore planned his death, but really, it won't happen. Remember? I come from a world where this is all in the books, and I'm gonna change it all. Dumbles is all right, 'cause his hand is not all dead like it was in the book. But anyway, yeah, in the book, Snape is a quadruple agent, pretending to spy on Dumbledore when he is really spying on Voldemort. He was evil, but then he changed 'cause Voldemort decided to kill Lily."

"Er, Raven, really, uh, maybe you should stop talking," Anne said, looking at Kurt. His eyes were wide and his mouth was open.

"No, I don't have to do anything you say, bitch, quit being so bossy! But really, Lily is such a bitch for choosing James over poor Snape--I mean, they were best friends! She should have understood!"

"Oh my fucking God. Kill me. Just kill me right the fuck now," groaned Kurt, for some reason upset at the news.

Raven knew it was because he didn't like Lily, just like she didn't like Lily, because Lily was obviously a preppy slut who slept around and chose popular James over Snape because she was a shallow bitch. (A/N--really, what a moron. Who cares about the Death Eater thing? A REAL friend would have understood! To be honest, originally I wasn't going to have the whole best-buddy-love Lily/Snape thing, but I guess it just came out in the potions classroom in my last chap for some reason--but don't worry! Lucretia will end up with Snape, I promise!)

"And what was with her ruining all the couples except the canon ones!"

"Well, that's why their canon," Anne pointed out, like she even knew what the canon relationships were.

"And what the hell was up with Albus Severus? Harry named his kid after Snape. That's so--"

"Oh my God. Somebody just put a gun to my fucking head, and fucking shoot me. Just blow my fucking brains out right now," Kurt exclaimed, slamming his palms against his forehead.

Raven literally had no idea what the hell he was freaking out about. He was just being a stupid idiot fat-ass. Maybe he had schizophrenia or something. "No, you don't understand, I'm changing this all, so it isn't gonna happen, you don't' need to worry. I'm so glad you're upset, though, because I'm gonna change it, and even if you're stupid, at least you understand my problem, 'cause obviously you get why I'm upset. I didn't think Snape was gonna remember that bitch Lily, but--"

"Dude, leave Lily out of this. Lily is a wonderful girl, and you don't even know her."

Raven stood up straighter. She was taller than Anne, so she was actually quite intimidating. Anne was obviously scared, but pretending not to be because she stood up just as straight. "I know more about here than you do, Anne, and if you know what's good for you, you'd shut up about things you don't understand."

Anne narrowed her eyes and looked Raven up and down. "I understand a bit more than you think I do. Lily Evans was a hero, someone you could never even compare to, someone you have no right saying shit about."

"You're just a stupid fascist bitch that's closed-minded and hates me 'cause I'm goth!" (A/N--I hate judgmental people!)

"Do you even know what fascist means? And, oh, by the way, I've had several goth friends, so I don't' have a problem with goths--I just have a problem with people who are posers and make stereotypes fucking true, like you are! And I'm closed-minded? What the hell? You freak out and crucio anyone who has a different opinion than you!"

"I would watch what you're saying if I were you," Raven warned, her voice deepening and crackling with the power that ran through her, with the power that no one had, since she was so much more powerful than anyone else.

Anne clenched her teeth together, then shook her head. Because she was a coward who knew she was weak, she backed down. "You know what, whatever. Just . . . whatever." She rolled her blue eyes and turned away from Raven.

"I hate it here. She just ruined it," Kurt groaned.

"I didn't ruin anything! What are you talking about? I just said it isn't going to happen, so you don't even need to worry! I'm gonna go get the horcruxes and kill Voldemort and all of that so really, it's not a big deal, it won't happen! God, how stupid are you two?"

"Never mind, you wouldn't get it," Anne muttered

"You think I'm stupid because I'm American, huh, you fascist, prejudice bitch!"

"No, I think you're stupid because you're an idiot."

Raven flipped her off, because she was a prep, and because Anne was naïve and guarded and didn't know the extent of Raven's intelligence or ability! She was the smartest in all of her classes in this world, at least the classes they had had, and she was the most powerful and beautiful, and Anne didn't know what the hell she was talking about, and so Raven just flipped her off because Anne was stupid.

Anne showed Raven the back of her index and middle finger, like a backwards peace sign. Raven didn't know what the hell it was supposed to mean, but she remembered Anne had shown Draco the same hand sign the other day. Thinking about Draco made her warm, since they were boyfriend and girlfriend now, because they had kissed and all.

Raven went over and stood beside Draco, staring up into his eyes. Draco looked at her. "Do you really like Harry Potter?" he asked.

"He's not as bad as you think he is, you know," she said, giving him a knowing, sagely, perfect look.

Draco nodded, looking impressed. "If you say so, I can learn to like Harry Pot--" His grey eye twitched and he shook his head, like an unpleasant image had just been put in his brain. "What? Potter? That prat?" He shoved Raven away form him and took several steps back. "You're mental, I don't like Potter."

Raven frowned and pouted ,staring at him with her huge, puppy dog eyes, knowing he couldn't resist her charms for too long.

"Come on, Draco, let's just kiss and make up. You're my boyfriend now, remember?"

Draco furrowed his eyebrows, muttered something that sounded like 'Pansy', then turned around and walked off, holding a hand to his forehead like he had a cold. Raven just figured he was confused at having a girlfriend who actually cared for him and was attractive, someone better than Pansy, and he was just frightened at the prospect of love.

"Sorry about all of that," Raven heard Anne say to Kurt, and she saw the bitch indicate her with her head. "But, I have some news."

"What news?" Raven asked, deciding that anything Anne had to say was important enough for her to hear.

Anne furrowed her eyebrows. "Well, that really isn't any of your business, is it?" Raven opened her mouth to tell Anne where she could shove her wand, but then Anne turned back to her brother. "Kurt, uh, well . . . I'm getting married."

"Someone picked you? _You?_ Who in their right mind would pick you?" Raven demanded, having a hard time believing that anyone would choose Anne, with her frizzy, curly, dirty-blonde hair that only went to her jaw, and chubby body.

"Severus Snape, apparently," Anne retaliated with a smirk. (A/N--I don't know where the hell this plot twist came from, really, I hadn't meant for that to happen. It's so weird--it's like the story ran away from me!) "Guess that makes me your stepmother. Do me a favour, and go choke on a poison apple, and get my work done for me."

"SEVERUS SNAPE IS NOT MY DAD!!!!" Raven shouted.

"You act like it's a bad thing--I thought you liked him?" Anne asked.

Raven stood there, unable to talk. She couldn't think of anything to say--not because she was stupid, but because . . . Uh . . . She knew it was a trick question, and Anne didn't need an answer anyway.

"Well, why did he ask you to marry him? You don't even know him."

"Well, he is a half-blood, I'm a pureblood. It makes sense, really, with that new law. He had to pick someone, so he picked me." (A/N--I just realized that the law applied to him too! I forgot about it. Honestly, I just wanted Hermione to get with Draco, 'cause Draco's hot, but that went down the drain. I'll probably make her cheat on Ron or something, when Raven's done being with Draco.)

"Well, why? There are other purebloods . . . And he's way too hot for you."

Kurt scoffed and folded his arms. "Severus Snape is tight as hell, and apparently a quadruple agent because you just blurted out top-secret information that could get him killed if it got back to Voldemort, but anyway, who gives a shit, right? Snape is cool, and all that, and could probably get mad pussy if he wanted 'cause he's cool like that, but attractive is something he isn't."

Anne glared evilly at Raven. "Maybe Snape isn't shallow, and looks for qualities other than physical ones. Who fucking cares why he picked me? It is what it is, and I accepted."

"Because you had to! Knowing you, you shallow bitch, you probably don't like him because you don't think he's hot, because you're just stupid and shallow and a fascist, and you don't deserve someone like him, and you probably don't even like him!"

Raven knew that some people didn't find Snape attractive, and that was why he they didn't like him (A/N--I hate people that don't like other people because they are ugly.) Anne was obviously one of those girls who was shallow and judgmental and based on looks, even though she was ugly and therefore not worth Raven's time.

"I would marry Severus Snape any fucking day of the year in a heartbeat. I fucking love him, you moron." She cleared her throat, apparently regretting blurting out her feelings. (A/N--I get the feeling that Anne doesn't think before she talks sometimes. I don't know why I wanted to point that out.)

Raven blinked, shocked. She didn't expect that. "Oh . . . Well, you didn't seem too excited about it."

"Yeah, well, he doesn't love me, does he? It's a stupid law."

Raven felt the odd urge to comfort her, because she wasn't a bitch like Anne obviously was, but she decided against it. Why the hell should she care if Snape didn't love her? But Anne looked a little upset, but she wasn't crying or anything, so maybe she wasn't. Maybe she was just a heartless bitch who didn't cry when she was upset.

"Good, because who would love someone like you? I mean, what can you do to please him? You're ugly and a loser and a bitch."

"Really? Wow, gee, I can't believe you could think of such a great insult. Wow, I am just stunned at your ability to render me speechless with your great comeback."

"Maybe Snape just has bad taste in women. You. Lily."

"Don't insult Lily. Ever. Do you got me?" she threatened.

A normal person would have been frightened at Anne's tone. She, however, was not, because Raven would never be scared of anyone else, and definitely not threatened either, because she was all powerful and beautiful and just prefect. "You're not all pissy when I insult you, but you are when I insult Lily. Weird."

"Yeah, well, I'm not attractive and, yeah, I can be a bitch. So thank you for pointing out the obvious. But Lily was beautiful, and kind. And Snape loved her."

"How do you even know what Lily was like?"

Anne opened her mouth to say something, but then she closed it before giving Raven a dirty look. "Well, that's not really any of your business, is it?"

Raven narrowed her eyes. "You know what, you probably just figured it out because of how Snape acted yesterday. You don't know what you're talking about, and you're letting your love of Snape affect your views on some girl you don't even know. Well, I read the books, and I know more than you, so whatever, I'm better than you are and I'm right, so hah."

With that, Raven spun on her heel and left the common room, smiling confidently and beautifully. When she walked her hips swayed seductively, and boys and some girls stared at it without trying to hide the fact they were staring at her slim, seductive hips, nor did they try to hide the fact they were stunned by her beauty.

As she roamed the hall to Hogwarts, ignoring the fact that all the people in the portraits were staring at her with want, she found Sirius Black and Bellatrix Lestrange. Sirius was across the hall from her, staring evilly at her, while she stood on the other side, staring just as evilly back. (A/N--even though Bellatrix killed Sirius, and is a bitch, I thought she looked so kewl in the OotP movie!!! So I brought her into the story! Oh, and get it, Bellatrix's maiden name was Black, like Sirius, there are two of them, get it? The chapter is called the Black Parade. That was clever of me!!!!)

"Oh, hey Sirius. What's up?"

"You're the bitch that brought him back, and fucked this world up, huh?" were the first words out of Bellatrix's mouth. Raven looked at her, confused for a bit, then Bellatrix swayed and blinked. "Hey! I'm Bellatrix Black. My husband died, so I'm going by Black again. Because I'm going by Black, my name was cleared too, because they cleared Sirius, but they just referred to him as Black, so I'm free too." She then giggled and bounced away.

Sirius sighed. "I hate my family. They all suck."

"I don't know, Bellatrix is pretty hot, I mean, if I were gay, which I'm not .I'm simply saying that if I was a lesbian, I might find her attractive. I am not gay though, because that is wrong, and just gross." Raven shuddered at the thought of anything homosexual, because it was wrong, and all lesbians were dyke-y and stuff, which she was not. (A/N--someone called me a lesbian the other day, which I am not!)

Sirius put a hand underneath his chin. "Yes, she is pretty hot . . . I used to watch her get dressed, you know, before I realized that she was evil." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully, and Raven grinned. She thought it was funny Sirius watched Bellatrix get dressed.

At that moment, Lucretia walked up to the both of them, wiping her tears from underneath her eyes. "I thought Severus loved me! I can't believe he's still pining over Lily! I wanted to be with him! Too bad he's a half-blood, like me! If only my father--who shall remain nameless, of course--had raped a witch, so he could pick me!"

"He picked Anne Roberts, a bitch in my house who has an evil brother."

Lucretia narrowed her eyes. "Oh, I hate her." then she looked at Sirius, and she smiled. "Sirius! Hey! Haven't seen you since we brought you back from the dead, when I stopped by to check my prophecy! How's life?"

"Better than death."

"Wanna get married?" she asked, smiling flirtatiously at him and winking her big, blue eyes.

"Yeah, all right."

They promptly started making out in the hallway, and Raven saw him stick his thingie in her you-know-what before she managed to get away to give them some privacy.

**A/N--So, what did you think? Plot twists, huh? I like plot twists, even if I didn't like the whole ANNExSNAPE thing. I'm planning on killing off her and her brother before the end. N e way I like the whole triangle Snape-Lucretia-Sirius-Bellatrix thing. I read an Andromeda-Sirius story once that was really good, and it gave me the idea!!! NO FLAMEZ! AND NO PREPS!!! I am goffik and so if u r not don't review fangz bye!**

* * *

A/N--I really did read an Andromeda/Sirius story. Incest is just gross and it makes me squick, but the story in itself was actually very good. I try not to be closed-minded about stuff, but I just can't get into the whole incest thing, sorry--but the story was still well-written, at least. It's like trying to get into a 'ship that you don't like. Anyway, thank you for reading my parody (the small bit of you who actually are). As always, I'm open to suggestions and ideas.


	10. Breakfast

Chapter 9: Breakfast

Anne and Kurt sat next to each other in front of the fireplace. "I'm so fucking tired," grumbled Kurt, eyes half-closed, while Anne stood next to him, looking just as tired.

"Yeah . . . hard week. I can't believe McGonagall takes five points from every Slytherin who walks into her class. At least Snape gives us points for every little thing we do. Isn't it kind of funny we have Potions every day?"

"How come you call him Snape? Isn't he your fiancée now?"

Anne cringed a little, as if the word offended her slightly. "Yes. Stupid law. Half the time he isn't even himself anyway. The last time we spoke, he said he only asked me to marry him because he couldn't marry Lucretia, and I was twenty. Earlier he said it was because he didn't want to make someone who didn't even like him marry him. It's so confusing. I'm am so sick of this fucking place. I don't even know how we're supposed to fix it or get home."

Kurt shrugged slightly. "Yeah, it has been a tough week. But why are you so fucking upset? You fucking love Snape, you should be doing cartwheels at the thought of marrying him."

"He doesn't love me, and he's not even himself most of the time. And I'm not sure I'm even ready for marriage, least of all a kid!"

"You love him, and you seem like you'd be a good parent."

"The worst thing anyone could ever do is force a child into a loveless marriage. Stupid marriage law fics. There's only about two that I've read that were actually good. I think _Into the Night_ and _Peony: A Death Eater's Story _are probably the only ones. Well . . .was _Peony_ reall ya Marriage Law fic? Voldemort did it, not the ministry . . ." She thought or a moment, brows furrowed and head tilted. Then she shook her head. "At least we stopped the Dramione 'ship before it started. God, I love a good Dramione as much as the next girl, but not when it's complete shit, like this was about to be."

"Being here isn't too bad. No math."

"Yeah, of course you'd say that. You've fucked Bellatrix every single night."

"She ain't Tonks, but she's hot, so I can deal with it. Still, it's a bit creepy--she called out Sirius Black's name last night. I thought they were cousins . . ."

Anne put a hand to her forehead. "Oh, my God. Incest fic. I bet that Sirius cheats on Lucretia with Bellatrix and Snape cheats on me with Lucretia . . ." Anne scoffed and folded her arms, eyes narrowed evilly. "You know, I hate it when people glorify cheating. It's bullocks. Seriously, if someone cheats, make them feel bad about it, and don't make it ever-so-romantic and common place! God! Bad authors always make it justified and okay, but it really isn't. The only cheating fics I like are the realistic ones that make the character flawed, not perfect--or when they're trying to get out of an abusive relationship. Oh, then Hermione is gonna cheat on Ron with Draco. Fucking perfect."

"Huh . . . I think we're fucking up the author's plan without meaning to, and she's trying to make it work. Maybe that means something. Maybe it don't. What the fuck ever."

At that moment, Draco came rushing into the common room, eyes wild, breathing heavily. "Scorpius!" he shouted frantically. Anne noticed that he was wearing school robes--the only person besides her and Kurt to have done so.

"Who the fuck--" Kurt began, but was interrupted by Draco's, "Scorpius!"

Draco looked at them, the only two in the common room besides himself, and he ran towards them, his grey eyes wild. "Hey! You! Have you seen my son? He's five, and I was showing him my old dormitory . . . I turned around and he was gone!" He looked between them, almost as though he were accusing them of something, and narrowed his eyes. "Well? Have you seen anyone?"

"You have a five-year-old? What the fuck, you got someone knocked up at eleven? Holy shit! This bitch is fucking the world up!"

"What? Eleven? I am thirty-one!"

"Er, Draco, come here for a second," Anne said, grabbing his arm, and starting to drag him away from her brother, who was looking at Draco like he'd grown another pair of arms.

Draco jerked his arm out of her grasp a second later, when he realized that she was pulling him. "Don't' you dare touch me!"

"Draco, you're in the past, and you're in your sixth year again. Scorpius isn't born yet, and you haven't married . . . Er, your wife. And your hairline isn't receding," she whispered harshly, her blue eyes meeting his grey ones.

"My hair isn't receding! My forehead just grew!" he shouted, running his hand over his slick, blonde hair, eyes darting back and forth nervously.

Anne blinked a few times, marvelling at the fact he denied it. "Yes, all right, okay. But you are sixteen again. This must be a time-turner fic . . ."

"This is my sixth year? But . . . That can't be, you weren't in Slytherin the last time I was here. No, I think you're lying. Now hand over my son!"

"Look, I'm dead serious, we'll even go talk to Snape--"

"Nagini killed Snape years ago because the Dark Lord thought he owned the Elder Wand, but it was really me. I'm not an idiot. Now take me to my son, or else," he warned, pulling out his wand and pointing it directly at Anne.

Anne stared at the wand in complete fear and confusion. Why would the author do this? It didn't make sense, why would she suddenly make a character canon, unless it was to show that she was changing everything in their timeline? And why did it have to be Draco, and why did she have to make him point his wand at her? Was the author about ready to kill her off?

"Elder what?" Kurt asked, mostly to himself, not really paying attention to that fact his sister was being threatened.

"Draco, listen to me, things have . . . Changed, there's a girl. Raven, who's changing the timeline, obviously, I don't know why she brought you, but . . ."

Draco swayed as if he'd been struck by something, then shook his head. He furrowed his brows, stared at his wand incredulously, then stowed it back in his robes. He then looked at Anne curiously. "Huh, that was odd . . . Did you say something, Anne?" he asked, looking down at his school robes as if he'd never seen them before.

Anne and Kurt stared at each other, wondering what had just happened.

"Did you say I had a receding hairline?" he demanded, his hand going to his head, frowning.

"Uh . . . No . . . uh, let's get to breakfast, Kurt," Anne muttered, hurriedly leaving the common room with her brother in tow.

When the portrait shut behind them, Kurt frowned. "Huh. This might sound weird, but I can actually see Draco naming his kid Scorpius. The author made a little sense there."

"Uh . . . Yeah . . ." Anne muttered, brushing her curly, fuzzy hair away from her eye.

"Yeah, well, at least it didn't ruin anything, like when she went and told me about Harry naming his kid Albus Severus. Stupid bitch."

Anne smiled at her brother, but kept her mouth shut.

When they stepped into the Great Hall, they saw Dumbledore, holding a large machine-gun type thing that had a wheel on the side with a handle on it, presumably something he could turn. Just as soon as they both saw it, he began to turn the wheel, and pull the trigger.

GAT-GAT-GAT-GAT-GAT-GAT-GAT!

Anne and Kurt fell to the floor while he continued shooting. "A fucking Gatling gun? Are you fucking serious?" Kurt shouted loudly, covering his head.

Anne shrieked as she felt something graze past her arm, and she stared at her arm, knowing she would see blood gushing down her arm.

GAT-GAT-GAT!

But there wasn't any blood. At first she thought she'd imagined it, but then something hit her on the forehead and clunked to the ground. She shrieked again and held her forehead, crying out . . . But then she realized she wasn't dead.

And what had hit her in the head was a sherbet lemon.

"He's using candy as ammo?" Anne asked, mainly to herself.

"What? Get down!" Kurt grabbed her arm and tried to pull her to the floor.

"LEMON DROPS FOR ALL! MWA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" Dumbledore shouted happily, continuing to shoot sherbet lemon (or lemon drops, as is the American term) candies around the Great Hall.

Kurt slowly stood, looking around at the floor, which was covered in the sticky candies. He kicked them aside.

CLINK!

They looked up and saw that the Gatling gun was out of ammo. Dumbledore shrugged, then tossed it over his shoulder, then spread his arm wide, and addressed the full-to-the-brim Great Hall, blue eyes sparkling so vividly that it blinded Anne for a split second, and she had to blink a few times to get her vision back. Several kids caught fire, and rushed to the hospital wing.

"Good morning, all! I just thought I'd let you all know that I am straight, not gay, and I am tapping McGonagall's sweet ass!"

McGonagall swooned.

"I thought he was gay?" Kurt aired, sitting down at the Slytherin table while Anne sat beside him, holding her head in her hands.

Anne merely moaned. She was starting to get a headache.

Raven walked in, her hips swaying, her pale skin emitting an ethereal glow. Every male in the Great Hall began to masturbate promptly, as did some of the females. Snape didn't, however. He was busy drooling--literally drooling, saliva was dripping out of his mouth--while he stared at Lucretia. Sirius sat in her lap while they snogged.

"Fuck! Sausage fest!" Kurt screamed in fear, then covered his eyes.

Anne stared ahead of herself, trying so very hard not to look at Draco's penis (who was suddenly sitting beside her shirtless, although she distinctly remembered leaving him in the common room) but she couldn't help it. He had a nice penis. Anne had never seen one in real life before, and she couldn't look away.

Everybody ejaculated at the same time, but the semen that flew through the air magically disappeared before it landed on anything. Anne almost gagged.

Raven sat beside Draco. "I tripped this morning, which is very odd, because I am so graceful," she stated without preamble.

Anne somehow knew that had contributed to Draco's behaviour.

"I love you," Draco stated, then began to snog Raven fiercely.

At that moment, Harry stood beside them, staring at the snogging couple with jealousy in his green eyes. He promptly slit his arm, plopped in his iPod headphones, and blared whatever music he listened to.

Dumbledore stood up, spreading his arms wide, eyes twinkling again. Everybody was momentarily blinded. "Hello, all! I've just remembered that I need to announce the couples that are to be married because of the Marriage Law! All right, Lucretia No-Last-Name and Sirius Black!" Sirius and Lucretia stood up, waving at the crowd, Lucretia tossing her sheet of blonde hair behind her shoulder, her perfect, full mouth up in a smile, and her curves in all the right places.

"Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley!"

Ron stood up, still stuffing muffins into his full mouth, Hermione smiling broadly, twirling a perfect curl around her finger, smacking her lip-gloss covered lips together.

"And Severus Snape and Anne Roberts!" Anne blushed and looked down before standing up, just as Severus did. Severus was amazingly attractive, although not as attractive as Sirius, his ebony hair to his collarbone and his onyx eyes meeting hers.

Everybody gasped in shock.

"I know what you are all thinking! How could Severus Snape, Potions extraordinaire, fall for that hideous chud? I don't' know, either, but it is the law!" Dumbledore shouted cheerily.

Snape frowned, then turned and looked at Dumbledore with a shocked expression. Dumbledore swayed and his eyes rolled in the back of his head. Anne thought that he was about to faint. When he looked at the crowd again, his eyes sought Anne's. Anne's eyes were tearing up and her lips were pursed in her effort to prevent herself form starting to cry.

"I'm sorry!" Dumbledore cried loudly.

But the crowd's jeers were louder.

Boos and hisses and insults were thrown at her, just as old rotten vegetables were. Raven laughed loudly along with Draco.

Anne hurriedly ran out of the Great Hall, taking in deep breaths, trying to ignore the hot tears that ran down her face, trying hard to ignore the insults that were thrown at her on her way out. As soon as the Great Hall's doors slammed shut, she ran to the first empty classroom she came too and slammed the door shut.

She kept breathing heavily, trying to steady herself, trying to stop her hot tears from flowing, but she couldn't. It was as though something was trying to erupt form her chest, and she tried to keep it quelled. She wanted to cry and scream, but she was forcing herself not to. Crying was for the weak.

She wiped tomato off of her face and flung her hands out, forcing them to smack onto the floor. She reached up into her hair, and found egg shells, and sticky yolk.

"FUCKING BITCH!" she screamed, tears exploding from her eyes, although she tried to stop them.

* * *

Severus sat besides Dumbledore, while the watched the chaos in front of them. The crowd laughed at the slamming Great Hall doors. Severus watched as Raven stupefied Kurt, who had raised his fist to punch her, which Severus thought might have been a bit of an overreaction, but he understood why Kurt would want to. 

"Severus . . . I would never do that. I would never publicly humiliate . . ."

Severus nodded slowly to himself, black eyes sweeping across the crowd, mentally noting just how many points he would take from each house for inappropriate behaviour. "Obviously this world was affecting you."

"Severus . . . Considering we are both of sound mind, will you find Miss Roberts? I fear you would have more experience in public humiliation, and I'm sure she does not want to speak to me just now . . . And I need to take care of this." He indicated the chaos in front of them.

Severus nodded, noting that his longer-than-usual hair bounced with his head, shining (attractively) in the light. He swept from the Great Hall, taking twenty points from Gryffindor being as Neville was snogging Hannah Abbot fervently on the floor in front of him.

How Severus knew where Anne was, he would probably never know, but chalked it up to another plot hole. He had to see her before the world had its influence on him again.

He opened the door to the empty classroom he knew she was in, and saw her sobbing. Her eyes met his, then she quickly turned away and walked off, until she was standing in front of a wall, arms folded across her chest.

"Are you all right?" he asked. It was the first thing that came to his head.

"What do you fucking think?"

"Yes, you're right, I was being stupid." She turned around slowly, staring at him strangely, then wiped the tears away from her eyes, face screwed up in trying not to sob some more. She walked over to her, smiling genially. "Here, have a cookie." He procured a cookie out of nowhere.

She stared at it as if it were poisonous, then sighed, shook her head, and took it from him. "Fucking great. I hate my whole life." Her voice cracked slightly and more tears fell.

Severus felt great pity for the girl, then stepped forward, brushing her hair form her face. She was no Lucretia, but he could not deny that he felt for her--not love, of course not, he just felt bad. He had known what it was like to be humiliated. Plus, he was supposed to marry the girl.

For a moment, she smiled and sniffed, wiping the bit of snot under her nose on the back of her sleeve, then leaned into his hand. "There, there, my love, things will get better."

She then yanked her head away from his hand and looked away from him. Severus was confused--she had admitted that she loved him, had she not? He couldn't quite remember when, but he remembered that she did, and he remembered Raven coming in and telling him that she'd admitted it to her, and that she was disgusted and he deserved better. So Anne did love him--so why did she pull away?

"Don't," she growled.

"How dare you tell me what to do, you stupid bitch? Raven was right--you're a bossy little shit aren't you? I can tell this marriage is gonna suck ass."

She stared at him incredulously, but angrily. "Excuse me? Well, at least you're not being extra fucking nice, so maybe it's for the better."

"Don't take that tone with me!" he yelled.

"Why the fuck did you come here? To yell at me? Well, fuck that! I hate Canon-Rape!"

As she brushed past him angrily, he suddenly remembered why he had come, and spun around, grabbing her arm, and forcing him to face her. She stared at him and he thought she looked dazed, but then she yanked her arm from his grasp. "Miss Roberts, I merely came to . . . speak with you. Obviously what happened in the Great Hall was disturbing . . ."

She nodded slowly, still eyeing him suspiciously.

"Dumbledore asked me to see you."

She nodded. "Oh. So . . . You were aware, then? Are you aware now?"

He furrowed his eyebrows. "Yes."

"Have you looked in the mirror lately? Because your appearance is different too."

He fingered a strand of his collar-bone length hair and raised an eyebrow. He had seen he was suddenly attractive at some point last week. Of all the things that had happened, this was by far the least troublesome, and so it wasn't what he tended to focus on when he was aware. "Yes, I appear to be ruggedly handsome. At least distinguished."

"Yep. And sometimes you're overly nice. Then you act super-mean and say shit you wouldn't say. Apparently the author keeps changing you. It's really unnerving."

He sneered and put his hands behind his back. Yes, the mood changes were quite troublesome, as was his memory. Her bluntness was quite appreciated. Something he found he liked (when he was himself, at least) was that her and her brother were rather blunt. In this situation, they couldn't afford not to be. At least there was someone else, besides him, who did not like his mood changes. "You were upset earlier, when I was . . ." He couldn't bring himself to say it.

"Flirting with me; being kind? Calling me your love?" Thankfully she did not pretend she didn't know what he was talking about, thereby forcing himself to admit it. Flirting with her felt like a betrayal to Lily. He knew that at some point, they would have to take their . . . relationship . . . further, due to the law. He prayed they would find a way to revert the world back to its original state before then. "Yeah, well, it was creepy. Thanks, though . . . for coming to see me."

He nodded curtly.

She brushed the wetness out from under her eyes, then folded her arms. "I'm sorry I'm not more attractive."

"I don't care much about appearance, Miss Roberts."

"Yeah, well, in this world, you probably will. I just hope you learn to like me somewhat before you gotta . . . You know, be married." She looked away form him and cleared her throat.

"Our marriage upsets you? I asked you because of your feelings to me, so that you would not be upset. My apologies if I am not what you wanted in a husband," he spat angrily, glaring at her.

"You don't love me, and you're hardly yourself. And I'm not good enough for you anyway. It's not fair to you. I'd gladly marry you. But you don't love me, and know it'll be hard because you love Lily, you know, being with me."

Severus stared at her curiously. He had known she loved him, of course he did--she had told him, after all. But it was still odd to hear her speak in that way. It was odd to hear her explain that she did not want to inconvenience him. A part of him felt bad for her, knowing that she would love him entirely and gladly marry him, and that he was, in essence, about to put her through what he'd gone through in his teenager years--loving someone else while she loved him. It was strange, having someone love him as he had loved Lily--although he doubted that she could love him as he had loved Lily, he did not deny it was possible. However, what surprised him the most was that she thought she was not good enough for him.

She wasn't amazingly beautiful, but she was not ugly either. He supposed he would call her pretty. She had rather nice skin, and large, blue eyes, not to mention a full mouth. She was a curvy woman, voluptuous, with wide hips and large breasts. Her hair was unruly, and she was overweight slightly, but she wasn't that bad. Not to mention, as far as he had seen of her at least, her personality wasn't offensive to him.

"Are you okay?" she asked quietly, brushing her messy hair form her eyes.

"You honestly believe you are not good enough for me?"

She shrugged, as if it was nothing for her to be ashamed about admitting. He understood. He knew he had not been good enough for Lily, and had not been ashamed to admit it to himself--but out loud?

"You are exceedingly odd." She just scoffed and looked away form him, obviously trying to hide her blotchy face and wet eyes. "If we are to be married, at least I will be attractive, so as to make this more pleasant for you. I hope you are not . . . disappointed that I will be your first."

Her face blanched and she looked at him suddenly, eyes wide. "Oh, sex. I forgot about that. God, I'm sorry, I'm not much to look at . . . All chubby and, you know . . . Well, I don't have a good body. And I'll probably have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. Oh, God, sorry if I suck. Oh, man, is it weird that I'm scared to have sex?" He raised an eyebrow at her, slightly amused at her babbling. "No, you don't have to worry about a thing, I don't give a shit about your looks. As long as you're not some . . . Weird version of you. I don't know if I could even handle sex with you unless you were you. I don't know if I can handle sex. Just, please, for the love of God, if we get married, try to be yourself when we, you know, consummate." He raised his eyebrow at her still. "I'm sorry that you have to do it with someone you don't love. I couldn't do that. Have you ever had sex?" She babbled quite often. She talked a lot, too.

"Yes," he answered honestly. He didn't need to explain himself, but he felt that, since she had been honest with him, he would be honest with her. "There were times I felt I needed to, in order to get over her. Needless to say, it didn't work."

He wondered if she would be disgusted with him, since she had plainly stated she would never have sex with someone she didn't love. Obviously he didn't really care if she was disappointed or not, he merely wondered.

She nodded understandingly. "All right. Sorry if I disappoint you in the love-making. Or, really, in anything at all." Apparently she was not. At least he had that in his favour. She would not be so bad to be married to.

Then he tilted his head. "Yes, my love, I shall greatly look forward to marrying you." He grabbed her hand, bent over, and kissed her hand, before standing up straight, and smiling into her face. Yes, he could see himself falling for this woman. Of course, she was nothing compared to Lucretia, who he loved with all of his heart, and would probably shag senseless behind Anne's back, but as far as brides went, she would not be too bad.

She smiled at him, but he could tell that it wasn't' felt, and he wondered what he grimace could be about. He then swept out of the empty classroom, his cloak billowing behind him majestically, hair flowing behind him while he smiled flirtatiously at some young Gryffindor girl. She promptly fainted.

* * *

"Rennervate," Draco said, pointing his wand at Kurt. Kurt shakily stood to his feet, then glared at Raven, who was scoffing and rolling her eyes at Draco helping him. It was so odd--there were times that he absolutely adored Raven, and times when he thought she was a boot-licking cow who thought she was better than everyone else, and entirely annoying. Right now, he hated the very core of her. He wondered where these mood changes came from. 

"You don't ever curse my friends again, are we clear?" he ordered, glaring at her. "You think you're so special, don't you? Well, you're not, and if you keep acting like that, why don't you go over and sit next Potter. He's likely more your crowd anyway."

Kurt smirked at her and they both began to walk off. Raven jumped in front of them, her beauty mesmerizing, but Draco hating her for being a bitch. Really, had she expected Kurt to sit there and let his sister be harassed Certainly, he did not know why he knew it was Raven's fault, but he did, and he was angry that she expected him to just let his sister be treated that way. If that had happened to him, and Draco had had a sibling, he would damn well expect them to be outraged. And Anne wasn't necessarily hideous--he dated Pansy, after all. Why would looks matter to him? Power did not lie in looks, although it did help . . .

"Draco, my sweet, lovely Draco, surely you cannot be that upset? Kurt and Anne deserve the worst of treatment. Please, let's kiss and make up!" She grabbed his arm and tried to kiss him.

"I love Pansy, you filthy cow. Let go of me." He jerked out of her grasp, and both Draco and Kurt sauntered off.

When they made it away from the Slytherin table, they saw Harry leaving with his head bowed. Kurt looked at Draco with an evil glint in his hazel eyes. Kurt raised his wand, and shot a Tripping Jinx at Harry. Harry toppled over and fell to the floor with a thud.

They both laughed hysterically.


	11. Pissing Off the Wrong People

Chapter 12: Pissing Off the Wrong People

Lucretia walked into class and saw her absolute favourite student, Raven. Raven liked the exact same shows Lucretia liked, had the very same songs on her iPod that Lucretia had, and had almost the exact same personality, considering the author of the story was basing them both off of her, making her able to both end up with Snape romantically and be his daughter without it being disgusting.

Lucretia tossed her amazing beautiful, blonde sheet of hair over her shoulder, dazzling every male in the class with her perfect, white teeth, and blinking her big, blue eyes. She smoothed her yellow miniskirt and bit her bottom lip enticingly.

"Good morning class!" she greeted. They all chimed in and said their greeting; all except Anne and Kurt. She didn't like them, because they were rude and ugly. And also because Raven didn't like them, and Raven and Lucretia were technically the same person.

Anne knew all of this, because she'd written this fanfic before. Anne knew that the author probably came from a single parent family, and was writing out her wishes of having the perfect father, which in her mind was Snape because he was her favourite character, but was also writing out her wish to be romantic with him. Rather than write her wises out in two separate fanfics, she wrote it in one, and rather horribly, too. Anne knew this, because she had done the same thing. It was amazing how much like this world was like her fanfic, though of course, her fanfic had been written much better. Dumbledore had not shot candies out of Gatling guns in her story. Then again, she was sure that even the author of this story was not stupid enough to do that, and wondered if the world was starting to unravel by itself.

"Anne, you will need to pay attention in this class if you want to pass," Lucretia snapped suddenly.

Anne raised an eyebrow. "I was. You just said good morning to us," she snapped.

"Ten points because of your cheek!"

"Whoop-dee-fucking doo," Anne grumbled. Anne had a problem with being a bitch when angry. And she was sick of this world, and didn't give a shit if she pissed anybody off.

"And detention with Snape!" she yelled, glaring at her, managing to look beautiful even when she was angry.

"Is that really a punishment for you?" Kurt asked.

"Detention is always with Snape in fanfics."

Then, for no real reason at all, Hermione raised her hand and asked a question without being called on. "Professor, what is your last name?"

Never mind the fact her question had absolutely nothing to do with anything that had been going on at all.

Lucretia smiled beautifully. "Oh, Hermione, I am a riddle, and my last name is too."

At that moment, the bell rang, and they were dismissed. Thankfully, due to a plot hole of some type, mainly because the author probably didn't know what to talk about during Defence Against the Dark Arts class, the class was never longer than a few minutes, in which usually Lucretia had some sort of monologue, explaining her evil father, and how he used to torture her, and how some masked Death Eater had saved her and smuggled her to America, and how she hated Death Eaters with a fiery passion.

When the door closed behind Kurt and Anne, Kurt chuckled deeply. "Well, that was just fucking stupid. The author must think we're all dumb as hell."

"So fucking clever," Anne muttered. "She came right out and told us what her last name was, and the author is probably just laughing her ass off, thinking it hilarious. She said 'I am a riddle; which technically she is, and then she ever said her last name was too! Seriously, how in the fuck does the author think we're not gonna catch that?"

When they walked around the corner, they saw Sirius snogging Bellatrix with wild abandon, both of them moaning and gasping with pleasure, hands roaming in places and in ways more suited for the bedroom.

"What the fuck? You're cheating on me?" Kurt yelled angrily. Bellatrix pushed Sirius off her, and Sirius laughed merrily. Bellatrix stared at Kurt. "I'm dumping your ass! And I'm gonna punch you in the fuckin' dome if you don't stop laughing!" he shouted, pointing at Sirius angrily.

Bellatrix suddenly screamed shrilly, obviously in fear. "He's my fucking cousin!" she shrieked, then despite the laws of canon, she Disapparated.

Sirius scratched the back of his head, stared at where Bellatrix had disappeared, then shrugged and walked away.

* * *

"My Lord, it is worse than we feared," Bellatrix informed, kneeling before her master.

"It is?" Voldemort inquired thoughtfully.

"Yes . . . You have a daughter, my lord, named Lucretia. There is a prophecy concerning her, and how she will . . . It suggested she would aid in your death. She told me about it, convinced that I regretted my loyalty to you."

Voldemort stared at her, the nodded to himself. "Yes, I fear you are correct. Lucius and I have . . . become quite close, more so than I would . . . like . . ." He narrowed his crimson eyes darkly, as if the thought that traipsed through his head was unpleasant.

Bellatrix looked up, jealousy etched on every inch of her face. She did not want to hear about Voldemort being with Lucius. "Yes . . . I have been . . . having unsavoury relations with Sirius Black."

"Isn't he your cousin?" Bellatrix grimaced before she nodded. "That is disgusting."

She nodded slowly, repressing the urge to vomit.

"Yes, it seems that I will have to take care of this myself. But first, there is a service I require from you."

"Yes, my lord?" Bellatrix perked at the idea of pleasing her master .It was what she lived for.

"I wanna fuck you like an animal," he said, standing up from his chair and striding over to Bellatrix.

Bellatrix's mouth almost dropped. "My Lord?"

"It's a little bit funny . . . this feeling inside. I am not one who can easily hide . . ."

Bellatrix smirked to herself. She knew, somewhere in the back of her mind, that this was illogical, and that it was only happening because of the odd occurrences that were happening through the world, but she didn't care. Maybe her want of him was also because of this strange occurrence, or perhaps not, but all she knew was that she wanted him very much at the moment.

"If I touch a bur-ning can-dle I can feel no pain . . ." She began to intone beautifully.

And Voldemort swept her into his arms, and pulled her into a demanding, passionate kiss, and they proceeded to do things that will disturb you to the point of vomiting. Peanut butter and wands in inappropriate places, for example . . . and there was the bit with Lucius and his pimp cane . . . whilst simultaneously killing muggles and bathing in their blood. Yes, evil!sex galore. BDSM. Ropes, chains, whips, cheese grating of the penis, torture, blood, and whipped cream. You know, the usual.

Then afterwards, they all went to the petting zoo, and Voldemort threw a fit and killed the zookeeper because he wouldn't let him take home the bunny. Because Voldemort was childish like that, and he wanted the goddamn bunny.

Suffice it to say, he got the bunny, and named it Bugs, because Voldemort was a fan of Bugs Bunny, despite his hatred of muggles. They went home, and took care of the bunny. They bought it a cage and carrots and everything, and doted upon it, and bought it cute little bunny clothes. Lucius wept like a little bitch when Voldemort said he wasn't' allowed to hold it, being as Lucius had four rabbits, two ponies, his own cockatiel, seven dogs, eighteen cats, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

"But I _want_ it!" he whined.

Bellatrix glared evilly at him, and Lucius backed down, being the submissive little bitch he was.

And then they decided it was time to go through with their evil plan.

* * *

It was a very gloomy day indeed. The sky above the Great Hall was dark and cloudy, and it was raining. Everybody moped and whined, and wondered if Mad-Eye Moody was going to pop up out of nowhere and point his wand at the sky and make things less gloomy, like he did in the Goblet of Fire movie. But alas, he did not, because even though DH hadn't happened yet, the author thought Mad-Eye was creepy, and so he was already dead.

"Hmm, I wonder where Bellatrix went?" Sirius asked Raven idly, since they were now best friends.

"Yeah . . . That is odd . . ." Raven aired.

"You're a sodding bint, and I bloody well hate you," Draco stated for apparently no reason at all.

Raven, out of a fit of jealousy, proceeded to lose her virginity on the table in front of everyone with Sirius, who was more than willing. It's ever so sweet how Sirius is always such a man-slut in fanfics, despite the fact being promiscuous isn't necessarily a good trait, and he's supposed to be well-liked. Never mind that now.

Raven, since she had been raped and her hymen was broken, was having the time of her life. Her 'first time' was great. She was screaming in orgasmic pleasure, while Sirius drove into her repeatedly, pleasing her immensely, since he was amazing in the shagging department. All that experience from being promiscuous. All the while, she hoped it would make Draco jealous.

When they finally stopped having sex, Kurt and Anne shared a look of incredulity.

There was a loud, resounding crack, and both Voldemort and Bellatrix Apparated into the Great Hall.

Everybody screamed. Naturally. Kurt and Anne ducked underneath the table. Anne had tears runnign down her face, and Kurt was crying as well. Of course, they would both deny the fact they were crying if anybody ever asked.

"I don't wanna die because of that fucking author bitch! Fuck! Shit! Fuckin' take me back home!" Kurt yelled loudly, through his tear filled voice, then pulled Anne into a tight hug, and they began sobbing into each other's shoulders, bodies shaking.

"We're working for him, remember? Bellatrix asked us to! He wouldn't kill us! Please, God, don't let him kill us," Anne begged through her sobs.

Panic drove through their bodies, filling them with intense fear, while the crowd around them screamed and cried and ran around in fear.

"My name is Harry Potter!" Harry cried, jumping onto a table, whipping out his wand, glaring down an apparently amused Voldemort. "You killed my father! Prepare to die!"

Harry charged at Voldemort, jumped off the table and flew at him, yelling dramatically. Voldemort just batted him away like he was an irksome fly, and Harry hit the ground with a thud. Realizing he'd been knocked away, he pulled out his razor, and promptly cut his arm. Because he was emo like that.

Dumbledore was busy shooting his sherbet lemon candy-ammo at Voldemort, but Voldemort was obviously unimpressed.

"Father!" Lucretia shouted, her melodious voice ringing out through the crowd, and everything went silent. A heavenly glow surround her, as her wide, blue eyes shone through the crowd, her perfect, full mouth in a small pout, her beautiful, long, blonde hair framing her beautiful face.

Sirius, who had been doing her doggy style throughout the chaos, immediately pulled out, zipped up his jeans, and gave her a disgusted look. "You're Voldemort's daughter? I am entirely shocked!"

A chorus of agreement and shock rang through the crowd.

"It was I, Severus Snape, who smuggled you to America, my love," Snape declared, standing up, tossing his silky, black hair over his shoulder, his black obsidian eyes gazing lovingly at her. "Seeing how Voldemort treated his own daughter, although I did not realize it was you until just now, I knew I was in the wrong. Can you ever forgive me for being a Death Eater? I love you."

"You too, Severus? Oh, lord," Voldemort groaned, slapping a hand to his forehead.

"Of course I forgive you! And I am so very glad you've finally gotten over that bitch Lily!"

Snape frowned at her.

Lucretia walked away from the staff table, and the crowd separated for her, like Moses splitting the Red Sea. Anne and Kurt slowly got out form underneath the table, watching the scene unfold. "What the fuck is going on? Why isn't he killing the shit out of her?" Kurt asked quietly, running his hand through his fro-like hair, wiping away his tears.

Anne shrugged and sniffed, still shaking slightly. "I think this is when Voldemort's love for his daughter changes him into a nice person. For once, I'm glad at having a Mary Sue. At least we won't die."

"Father, it's me, Lucretia," she greeted, now directly in front of him. Voldemort's red eyes looked her over. "Father, please, I know you have it in your heart to love me. I love you, Daddy," she said, her voice breaking with emotion, although she had always proclaimed to hate her father. She outstretched her arms, awaiting a hug.

"Lucretia," he said, voice even.

They stared at each other, and Lucretia wrapped her arms around him. They shared the Hug of Everlasting and Unconditional Fatherly Love ™. Lucretia giggled happily while Voldemort hugged her in return.

Finally, they pulled away, Lucretia's eyes shining with tears. Voldemort held the side of her face, brushing her hair away. "Oh, Lucretia," he said, standing away from her, holding his wand against his chest, as if it were a precious child, his crimson eyes gleaming.

"Yes?"

"Avada Kedavra!" he shouted, pointing his wand at her, and she dropped to the floor, dead.

Everybody stared.

"I have no fucking daughter, moron," he spat, then kicked aside her dead body.

Both Anne and Kurt pumped their fists in the air and screamed, "YES!"

"And so you do not resurrect her," he said, looking at Raven, who was inching towards the dead body, "I will be taking her with me." He then slung the had body of Lucretia over his shoulder. "And then I'll burn the body. Good day, all."

Then both Bellatrix and Voldemort Disapparated, laughing maniacally.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Snape cried, just as Sirius, Raven, Harry, and Ron, and Hermione did.

"Oh, thank God," muttered Anne and Kurt.

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A/N--Ever notice how Suethors kill off anybody that takes the spotlight off of them, unless it is the one they supposedly love? Plus, it gives them a reason to be angsty.

I don't knwo why, but I always imagined Voldemort as a bunny lover. Bunnies are evil incarnate. If you don't beleive me, watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail, or at least listen to Anya from Buffy. JK about Voldemort liking them though. He likes snakes. Obviously.


	12. Pairings Galore

Chapter 13: Pairings Galore

**eyesuhckatspeleeng: What is your problem with me? Do u honestly hate me that much? If you hate the story, then y do u keep reading it u preppy bitch? U no nothing about my life or raven! And y do u say lucretia dying is funny? Apparently u no nothing about death! Do u have a heart at all? Quit reviewing my story!!11!!!!!!!111!!1!!11 omg wtf ust otp asl omg lmao rofl??//???/!11!!!!1!!?1/1!And y should I care that ur dumb friend Ashes Falling has disappeared? (she is probably a prep too! And y do u keep mentioned anne and her in the same sentence? Wtf is this u saying about me kidnapping?**

**All u other reviewers r just as bad! I hate u! and this is not a mary sue story! Fuck u all you preppy bitches and u dumb goffik-hating fascists!**

**Chapter 9: Fire and Ice, Princess and Prince, Lion and Snake, Bushy and Slick**

Hermione was sitting outside by the lake because she was in a bad mood. Even though it was only a little bit before halloween it was already snowing really bad, with snow and ice falling softly onto the ground so that the ground was white with soft snow and it was freezing cold. Hermione sat by the frozen lake, cold and frozen in the soft snow, wrapping her arms around her body, brushing off her pink mini-skirt with a flair and her white tube top.

See, Hermione had changed over the summer. She was no longer the awkward, some-what chubby, bushy-haired, buck-toothed nerd she had once been. Her brown hair was in soft, beautiful brunette curl that fell elegantly down her back and framed her fair face, bring out his chocoalte eyes with small little gold specks in them, and her soft, full lips.

See, over the summer, she'd gotten a visit from her American cousin, who was really popular and had a lot of boyfriends and was sexy. (A/N--this is complicated so I'm just gonna go to a flashback.)

_FLASHBACK_

Hermione was reading over a note Ron had given her.

_Dear Hermione_

_I think I'm in love with you even though you are boring and ugly and bossy and a huge nerd. (A/N--I really don't' like Hermione becuz she is bossy! And Ron is boring and mean and so I don't like him either!!1!1!! And he's a wimp!!1!!1!11!!) but yeah I think I want to marry you one day._

_It's a shame about your face though but I'm glad you're smart._

_Ron_

It was at that moment that Hermione realized he was right and that she wasn't very pretty. When she looked in the mirror, al she saw was this ugly girl with fuzzy hair and boring brown eyes, and decided that she was going to change because she was tired of looking that way and decided that being pretty was more important.

Then her father came in and beat her and raped her.

After that, she called her American cousin and the next day she came to her house. There was a knock on her door and when Hermione opened it she saw her beautiful cousin. She had flowing black-and-blonde-and-red-and-purple-and-green streaked hair and her eyes were like cat's eyes and green but when she was angry they turned red. When she was sad they turned a light shade of blue like the blue sky, and she had curves in all the right places.

"Hey Hermione, my cuz! It's me, Pearl, your American cousin, and I'm from California, remember? OH, yes, we used to be best friends! Okay, now it's time for us to do your makeover!"

HGDMHGDMHGDMHGDMHGDMHGDM

When Hermione set foot into her compartment, Ron and Harry didn't recognize her. "Hey, guys!" she greeted with a smile that could make any man melt with passion and want.

"Who are you, new girl? I don't recognize you," Harry stated.

"Good thing it isn't Hermione though, because I hate her, and I only wrote her that note to make her feel happy but really I don't like her at all I like Lavender." (A/N--cuz remember this is set during HBP but I'm changing stuff)

"I hate Hermione too!" Harry shouted.

"But I AM Hermione!" she yelled.

"Oh, yeah. Hey, Hermione," they both greeted at the exact same time, then eyed her perfect body. "Wow you are so gorgeous! Damn! I want to have secks with you now! Oh God! You are so hot! This is like the coolest thing ever!" they both said at the same time.

Then Malfoy opened the compartment door. "Granger, you need to come to the head compartment. Since we are head boy and head girl."

"Dammit!"

Then Hermione went to the compartment and sat across from Draco. _Damn, Draco is hot, why have I never realized this? I think I might be in love with him! No, wait, I can't be in love with Draco! And when did I start calling him Draco?_ Hermione shook those bad thoguth from her mind.

_Wow, Hermione got hot over the summer. If only my dad didn't hate mudbloods, because I never have, and then I could marry Hermione. Wait, when did I start calling her Hermione? Or thinking her hot? I AM NOT in love with her! Ew!_ Draco thought.

"Yorue' a mudblood," he stated.

"And you're a ferret."

"So? Youre' a mudblood."

"And your'e a ferret, so hah."

"Well, anyway, since we're head boy and girl and we have to share and room now, I want to get something straight. I do what I please and you will not stop me."

"Go to hell I will always follow the rules!"

"Then you are dumb, mudblood!"

"And you are even dumber, ferret!"

Then Hermione went back to the compartment with Ron and Harry, who ogled her because she was so hot and they wanted to have secks with her.

HGDMHGDMHGDMHGDMHGDMHGDM

Their common room was beautiful, a mixture of gold, red, silver, and green. There was one bathroom, but two separate rooms for them to sleep in.

"So . . . We live together now . . ." Hermione stated.

Draco stepped in front of her, staring down at her with his icy blue eyes and tossing his platinum hair form his eyes. "Yeah . . . You know what that means . . ." he whispered, leaning in so close they were a centimeter away and Hermione leaned in to kiss him, suddenly overwhelmed with the want to kiss him. Then he pulled away. "That means you have to do what I say."

Then he walked off, and she had no idea just how much he had wanted to kiss her then.

_END FLASHBACK_

So Hermione sat next to the lake, depressed, while it snowed around her although it was only a few days away from halloween. She was crying into her palms. Suddenly, she felt someone tap her shoulder and she looked up to see Draco, looking at her curiously. "What's up, Granger? Why are you crying?"

"Because nobody loves me! I am so tired of being the girl nobody really likes! And I have to marry Ron because of that law but I didn't want to and he beats me all the time! He hits me! And my dad rapes me and beats me! Rapes me! I hate my life!" she sobbed loudly.

Draco sat beside her and wrapped an arm around her. "OH, Hermi--I mean Granger, someone loves you, I can promise that," he said ominously. "And my dad rapes me and beats me too. I've never wanted to be a Death Eater. He beats my mommy and all I want is to be safe."

"Oh, Draco, I am so sorry!"

"You called me Draco, Hermione . . ." he said, astonished, looking into her chocolate-cinnamon-gold-specked eyes and running his hands through her soft, curly, beautiful hair.

"And you called me Hermione," she whispered. "Why do you hate me?"

"I have to, because you're a mudblood."

At that, Hermione pulled out a dagger and sliced her arm. Red blood poured from her wound and stained the smooth skin of her forearm. Then she cut Draco arm, and it bled red just like hers.

"Oh my God . . . Your blood isn't muddy . . ." he said with awe.

"It's just blood, Draco. How does that make us any purer or less pure?"

They stared at each other. Then they kissed. His tongue went into her mouth like a wet sliver of a snake and roamed her mouth and it felt really good. Before long, Draco put her on her back and undid her blouse, licking her nipple, and then he undid his pants and took of her skirt and underwear, and he put his thingie in her you-know-what. He slid into her repeatedly and she gasped and clutched him, moaning in orgasmic pleasure, until he came inside of her and she came and clutched onto his shoulders.

Then they got dressed.

"What happens now?" she whispered.

"I don't know."

"I think our love will prove that there can be a friendship between purebloods and mudbloods."

"But I think we should hide it."

Hermione pouted. "Okay." Then they went in the castle and had secks in a closet. It was really great.

But the next day, Hermione realized that they couldn't' keep it a secret. "Draco, we have to tell them. We have to let the world know."

"You're right," he agreed.

So they held hands in front of the Great Hall door and looked at each other. With that, they took in a deep breath.

**Don't forget to revue! I love that chapter it is soooooooo cool even if I don't like Hermione 'cause she is bossy but I like this ship cuz Draco is so hot!**

**NO PREPS AND NO FASCISTS AND NO EYESUHKATSPELEENG!**

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**eyesuhckatspeleeng: what did I tell u I sed stop revuing and you keep flaming me!1!!!!11!!**

**redangel: I hate u 2 stop revuing u r just as bad as the others!**

**Who is Ashes Falling and y should I care if she hasn't posted 4 a long time duh and y do u keep asking if I no her in real life I don't now stop talking about her and stop talking about anne and kurt they r evil!**

Chapter 10: Harry and Raven Unrequited Luv!!11!!

Raven and Harry were sitting next to each other in the library. They were staring longingly at each other, but neither of them admitted out loud just what they were staring at. _I wonder why she keeps looking at me? I wish it were because she loved me, but that can never be true . . ._ he thought to himself.

Raven looked at Harry. _Oh, if only Harry looked at me with love. I wonder what he's looking at? Is something behind me?_

They worked on their homework, and then Harry took her to Gryffindor tower .it was late. But he let her in, even though she was a Slytherin. They sat on the couch and they talked about important things, and then they fell asleep, curled on the couch in a cute embrace.

When the awoke the next morning, Raven stretched and yawned, and Harry stared at her perfect form, her hair mussed everywhere but in an endearing way, like a dark halo around her angelic, fair face.

They both looked at each other and giggled. Then they went down to the Great Hall and Harry sat at the Slytherin table beside Raven, who was sitting next to Anne and Kurt. They both ignored them, thank God. But Draco wasn't here, and neither was Hermione. Little did they know that soon they would be, and they would get the shock of their lives, even if Raven had suspected it.

**Short I no but it's good n e way! Please revue but no criticisms if you don't already like my story then get out if you have n e thing to say that is not great then don't bother I'm not gonna change n e thing cuz I'm goffik and stubborn and obviously better than u r at writing u r just 2 stupid to realize that but n e way if u like it then review it!**

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**I hate all of u. and I did go an read some of Ashes falling stories, they r ok and cool and I like the one about Dumbles and Grindels even if I don't like gay people so this is dedicated to her even if she probably doesn't no I exist but n e way this is slash like he story but not Dumbles and Grindels but I hope she likes it but n e way I am not even gonna comment on n e of ur revues.**

Chapter 11: Puppy love!

Sirius was making out with Lupin, and then they had butt-secks. First, Sirius used a lubrication charm on his thingie, and stuck it in Lupin's ass. (A/N--I know I hate gay people, its' so sick and wrong, but come on, like you all haven't thought about the two of them before!!11!!!!!!1111!! Gays are wrong and going to hell.) He thrust inside of him and reached around and held his penis and pumped it in his fist until Lupin came in his palm at the exact same time Sirius came into his ass.

When they were done, Sirius looked at Lupin. "I'm hungry, let's go into the Great Hall and eat breakfast."

"You're always hungry . . . for something," Lupin said suggestively and winked at him.

They walked into the Great Hall and sat at the Gryffindor table, noticing that Harry was at the Slytherin table. They didn't join him. They wondered where Hermione was at, while Ron stuffed his face with potatoes.

**N e way short I no but sweet I think I hope u r all piecing together what's going 2 happen with them all being in the great hall! FUCK PREPS!!! N e way I hope you like Ashes Falling if you ever find this story! I hate slash but this is for you.**

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**eysuhckatspeleeng: u no why do you have to say such mean things? U say that u doubt Ashes wil like my shit, but how do u no? and has she read your shit? I bet she wouldn't like it because u r a fascist and obviously she is not cuz she wrote slash n e way let her answer for herself! And when she gets back on she will read it and love it! I bet we would like each other in real life if we met.**

**redangel: I thought I told u not to bother? Go away! This is not a mary sue story!**

**But since you two r really the only ones continuing to revue constantly, I have thrown in this bit for u about anne since u luv her so much. Maybe then u will back off once u realize just how bitchy she is.**

Chapter 12: Shallow

"Are you all right?" Anne asked curiously when she stepped into Snape's office for detention. Snape was crying into his palms.

He looked up at her, and shook his head. "No, I'm afraid I'm not. Lucretia . . . is dead. We all thought the prophecy was about her, but if it were, she could not have died . . . Also, I'm sad that Lucretia is dead. Even though I'm supposed to marry you, I loved her. Can you forgive me?"

Anne looked at him, sobbing pathetically, and she sighed in exasperation, her lips pursed. She was a bitch like that, and obviously didn't' care about Snape's pain. "Of course I forgive you. You can't help it."

Snape looked up and stared at her in confusion, like he had never seen her before. "I was doing it again, wasn't I?" he asked slowly. (A/N idk what that was about--probably about him crying I'm sure he's cried in front of her before or something.)

She walked over to him, nodding in an understanding way. He wiped away his tears and stood up off of the ground where he had been kneeling in his emotional pain. He stared down at her and shook his head. "When is it going to end, Anne?"

She chuckled a little. "Anne?" she repeated comically, with a small smile on her face.

"You are to be my wife, are you not?" he said with a raised eyebrow.

She stood there for a second, then she cleared her throat. "Yeah, you're right, Severus. Sorry. But I don't know when this is going to end. I'm not closer to figuring it out than you are."

"You're here because . . ." he asked slowly.

"Lucretia gave me a detention with you."

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh, my love, my fiancée, you don't need to do a detention! Go to your dormitories and have fun! I don't give Slytherins detention, duh!" he chuckled airily and tossed his silky black hair over his shoulder, black eyes sparkling in an attractive way.

She blinked a few times, then rolled her eyes before shaking her head. "Yeah, okay. Come and get me when you're being more yourself."

"Wait, my love!" he shouted, grabbing her arm and halting her. She turned around and looked at him, almost in a fearful way, like he had done something strange, but really, he hadn't. He brushed her curly, dirty-blonde hair from her face and stared into her blue eyes. Then he swooped down and pressed his mouth against hers.

Her eyes were wide open and she stood there, paralyzed, while he kiss her mouth. Then she leaned into it, eyes fluttering shut. Just as his tongue flicked the bottom of her mouth, she pulled away from him in disgust. She jumped away form him, also in disgust, because she was shallow like that and stupid and obviously a bitch.

"What is the mat--"

"No, I can't, not when you're like this. I just . . . I can't. I'm sorry," she muttered, her jaw clenched. They stared at each other for a few seconds, then she turned around and left, slamming the door shut behind her.

Snape narrowed his eyes, and kicked the door in frustration.

The next day, he sat at the staff table, looking down at all of the students. He was trying to make sure none of them broke any rules--except for Slytherins. It was okay if they did. he saw Anne sitting beside Kurt, and hatred filled him, because she had rejected him simply because she was shallow and didn't think he was attractive (A/N--even though Snape obviously is.)

Little did he know that the world was going to change in only a few seconds.

**Once again anne seemed to flow out of my fingers like she had a life of her own weird huh n e way I hope u realize just how shallow she is after she rejected snape.**

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**Ok u both sed that she was pulling away cuz he wasn't being himself well how would u no did u write this story no u didn't so how would you know why my character does what she does I no not u so shut up.**

Chapter 13: Coming Out to the World

Draco and Hermione held hands and they burst into the Great hall. She held their hands above their head and shouted, "Me and Draco are in love!"

Everybody collectively gasped because they were so shocked.

"I am in love with my mortal enemy; my arch nemesis!" Draco shouted triumphantly.

Harry stood melodramatically. "Really? Weird, I will have a hard time accepting that, but I love you Hermione as a friend and so I will try and be tolerant although I will not be nice to Malfoy but I will not make you break up!"

Raven clapped, applauding Harry and Hermione and Draco.

Ron stood. "No you are mine hahahahahahahahaahaha! I will make sure you pay for this!" he then ran screaming out of the Great Hall. "Vengeance will be mine you will be my wife hahahaahaha revenge is sweet!"

The door shut dramatically as everybody stared at them in shock. Then Hermione and Draco went back up to the head boy and head girl rooms and had secks.

**All right that was a bit short but I don't care it was sweet and Ron was just evil! N e way I hope you liked this chapter some of u who have been revuing still don't seem to like it but I don't give a shit b cuz I no I am better than u!**

**Ohh I read this story by Hades'Queen about Andromeda and Sirius and u should all read it it's really good!!! It's what made me think sirius and bellatrix would be a good idea!**

**No preps! I am goffik so if u do not like goffik stuff then u should stop reading n e way fangs bye.**

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"So he just kissed you? That's fucking cool. Why'd you pull away? Are you fucking retarded? I thought you loved him?" Kurt asked, dipping his steak into steak sauce.

Anne sighed and shook his head ."He wasn't himself, Kurt. I can't kiss him if he isnt' the Snape I love."

"Well ,that doesn't make any fucking sense, it's him, why should you care why he's kissing you? Really, you've gotta have sex with him eventually 'cause of that law. Besides, if you can't lose your cherry to Snape then who can you lose it too? He's like your fucking epitome of love and shit so why the fuck ain't you just jumping his bones Well, I mean, I know you're waiting until marriage, but really, there's other stuff you can do. If you can't fucking kiss him then how will you fuck him? This is so fuckin stupid." He rolled his eyes then stuffed his fork in his mouth, chewing his meat furiously.

Anne sighed and looked down at her plate, brows furrowed. She stared at the spaghetti on her plate, but she didn't eat it--she was merely twisting it around her fork, keep her chin in the palm of her had. She glanced up at the staff table and saw Snape looking at her angrily and she quickly looked away.

"I don't know, Kurt . . . Maybe it is just pointless . . ."

"Huh?" he mumbled through a full mouth.

Just then the door slammed open, Both Hermione and Draco storming in, holding each other's hands.

"Oh great. Guess who's in love now?" she mumbled, tossing her fork on her plate.

Kurt groaned just as loudly as she did. "Why the fuck would Draco even look at that know-it-all bossy bitch?" he asked aloud.

"Well, it's actually pretty cool when done right," Anne revealed.

"Doubt it," he retorted.

Hermione held their hands above their heads and shouted, "Me and Draco are in love!"

"How original," Anne mumbled jut as everyone gasped. "Like I haven't heard that one before. Really." She rolled her eyes and scoffed, shaking her head.

"I am in love with my mortal enemy; my arch nemesis!" Draco shouted triumphantly.

Kurt tilted his head to the side. "What? I thought Draco and Harry were the enemies . . . Really, did he and Hermione fight all that much?"

Harry stood melodramatically beside them. "Really? Weird, I will have a hard time accepting that, but I love you Hermione as a friend and so I will try and be tolerant although I will not be nice to Malfoy but I will not make you break up!"

Raven was applauding furiously, wiping a proud tear from her cheek.

"Oh my fucking God are you fucking serious?" Kurt grumbled, holding his forehead in his head.

"Yes she is fucking serious."

Ron stood. "No you are mine hahahahahahahahaahaha! I will make sure you pay for this!" He then ran screaming out of the Great Hall. "Vengeance will be mine you will be my wife hahahaahaha revenge is sweet!"

After that, both Hermione and Draco left, and everyone around them began talking about the announcement immediately. Anne and Kurt calmly finished their lunch, even though it was breakfast but for some odd reason they only had lunch food on the table, scowling the entire time.

"This is so great! They can be together for the Halloween masquerade! This is so beautiful!" Raven exclaimed cheerily.

"A Halloween dance? Fucking awesome! I'm going as Freddy Kruegar!" Kurt exclaiemd loudly.

Anne turned and glared at him. "What? No, you can't go as Freddy, I've liked Freddy way before you! That would be like me going as Jason or--or Michael Myers!"

Kurt thought for a moment, then nodded. "You're right. I'd have to punch you in the dome if you went as Jason. No, I'll go as Jason, and you can go as Freddy. This is fucking great. Maybe this isn't too bad after all . . . Well, if not for the fucking crazy shit . . ."

Anne chuckled and smiled when she looked back down at her spaghetti. Even though she hated whatever the author was doing to this world, she had to admit, a Halloween ball seemed really fun--and she needed fun in this fucked up version of the Harry Potter universe.

* * *

A/N--sorry, but wouldn't let me on for afew days, it said something about submission porblems or something I don't know but it was weird i really did try to get on. I promise I haven't forgotten this story.

I hope you have good luck with your story, eyesuhckatspeleeng, and when you post it, i will definitely read it.

Also, if any of you are reading my other fanfic, I'm sorry, but i couldn't post that either because of the submission problems. Plus I'm having a hard time writing it. I know what I want to do with it, but I'm having a hard time getting it out. Anyway, I'm going to my mom's for the weekend, and so I'm sure i'll be bombarded with ideas.

Thank you for continuing to read my parody, although I don't have very many followers of this fic. The few of you who are actually reading this, please continue, and don't be afraid to review--they keep me motivated, and they give me ideas.


	13. The Halloween Ball

Chapter 14: The Halloween Ball Which Has Never Been Done in Fanfic note: sarcasm

Anne looked down at her red-and-green striped sweater and smiled with satisfaction. She couldn't Apparate (she didn't know how, and now she really regretted choosing not to be able to) and she didn't know her way to London from here, and she doubted that Hogsmeade would have a Freddy Krueger mask. So she just settled with the homemade glove (made with fake knives, of course) and the shirt, the dirty fedora hat, and the pants. She stared at herself in the mirror, giving herself dirty look that were actually quite intimidating, and she waved her fake knives around and swiped in front of her, feeling a sense of power and excitement that was probably inappropriate considering she was feeling that way by staring at herself and imagining the power that Freddy had, and imagining that she had it too. If only she could go into Raven's nightmares and kill her that way, life would be so much better, and would it really count as murder if the girl didn't really exist?

Those were bad thoughts, so she shoved them from her mind.

"Fuckin' what's up, Anne?" Kurt asked as he stepped into the room. Anne only recognized him through his voice, considering he was wearing a Batman costume, which because of the way the costume was built, made him look broader and more muscular. He actually looked quite imposing, since he was tall. It wasn't ridiculous at all.

"Er . . . I thought you were going as Jason?"

"They didn't have any hockey masks. Besides, this was fuckin' cool. I saw it in the costume store down in Hogsmeade."

Anne furrowed her eyebrows. "What? There was a costume store? I don't remember that in the books."

"Who fuckin' cares? They had a Catwoman costume there--you know, the Micelle Pfieffer one. It was hot. But there was only one, and it wouldn't have fit you. But fucking, yeah, I thought this costume was more appropriate for this world. Maybe Sirius will go as Lieutenant Gordon. That would be pretty funny."

"Er . . . But he's not Lieutenant Gordon in the Tim Burton version, and that's the Tim Burton Batman costume, and Michelle Pfieffer is in the Tim Burton version, so . . . Er, it really wouldn't make sense--hey, did they have a Freddy mask there? I had to transfigure this costume, and I tried to transfigure a mask but it came out a pizza." She scoffed and rolled her eyes, folding her arms over her chest and scowling. She tapped the fake knives that looked realistic on her arm.

"Nah, they didn't have any masks there for Freddy. But I love bein' Batman! This is fuckin' awesome! You ready to go?"

"Yeah, sure," she said, leaving the common room and heading down to the Great Hall. "You know that in this ball is canon-rape from hell, right?"

"Who gives a shit? It'll be fun. I need some fun after Bellatrix stopped hanging out at the school. She's probably busy shagging Voldemort eighty thousand ways 'til Sunday. That, or she's doing Sirius, but I think he's suddenly gay. And, er, why is Lupin here if he's not teaching classes? We haven't had a Defence class since Lucretia died, not that I give a shit."

"I don't know. I bet you a fuck load Lupin goes as a werewolf."

"Hmm, gee, really? Why the fuck would you think that?" he asked sarcastically while he sauntered through the school in a Draco-like fashion, and Anne wondered if Kurt was spending too much time with the Slytherin Prince. Then again, who was she to complain? She hung out with Draco more than anyone else, too.

When they stepped into the Great Hall, it was like stepping into another world. Pumpkins floated in the air; bats flew over their heads; spooky, and yet completely cheesy, decorations filled the floors. There was a DJ at the front, playing music that was not only muggle, but from their time and not the nineties as it should have been. Students danced with each other and drank punch. All in all, it looked like a Halloween Dance in a normal high school, with the exception of the pumpkins and the bats.

"Well, I guess the fact I graduated doesn't mean I can't be excited for a dance. Too bad no one asked to go with me, huh?"

"Fuck, did anyone ever ask you to a dance in the first fuckin' place?"

Anne bristled, glaring at her brother, her dark blue eyes shining malevolently. It actually looked somewhat scary, considering she was wearing a Freddy costume, sans mask. "Yeah. Once."

Kurt shrugged, looking around the dance floor. Somehow he managed to pull the Batman thing off spectacularly--he looked intimidating and impressive, unlike most people who wore a Batman costume. Most people tended to look like Val Kilmer in _Batman Forever_ which was quiet embarrassing. Kurt managed to looked more like Michael Keaton. She barely even recognized him, since most of his face was covered, the costume made him look muscular, and the mask hid his fro-like hair.

"Fuckin' awesome! Look, Catwoman!" he exclaimed.

Anne looked at the person dressed as Catwoman, and felt rather impressed. Catwoman had been her hero growing up, and this girl fit her perfectly, whoever it was. She was thin and the tight leather fit her body perfectly. All she could see of her face was her big, icy-blue eyes, and the red lipstick. The girl seemed oddly familiar, but Anne couldn't place who it was. She patted Kurt on the back when Catwoman smiled seductively at him. "Go have fun," she said, then turned around and went into the crowd, watching as Catomwan sidled up to her brother as Batman, and they began to dance provocatively against each other. Whoever the girl was, she was an impressive dance--she swivelled and ground her body against his perfectly, her body moving perfectly.

Just as Anne started dancing in the crowd, rocking her hips and swivelling her chest, getting the attention of several males--including someone dressed as the Phantom of the Opera, but since he was across the room, she couldn't really tell who it was, only that he was staring--someone swung from a random rope on the ceiling and landed perfectly in front of her.

It was Draco, dressed as Zorro. He wore all black ,with the little black bandana around his eyes, and the black hat. He whipped out his sword and swung it in the air, luckily not hitting anybody in the head. "Ha-ha!" he exclaimed loudly, and several girls swooned beside him, fanning their faces and making over-the-top gasping noises.

"I love you Draco!" several girls exclaimed, throwing their underwear at him and screaming like crazed fangirls.

"Yes, yes, I know," he said nonchalantly, winking at them all, then brushing off their underwear from his chest.

Suddenly a pair of boxers landed on his head. "I want you Draco!" came a manly voice, followed by a sob.

Draco grimaced, then plucked the boxers off of his head, tossing them to the ground. "Er, hey, Zabini," he greeted in the direction of a very attractive black man, who was staring adoringly at Draco. Draco turned a pale shade of green.

"Er, do you want my underwear too?" Anne asked him with a smirk.

"Oh, yes, that would be lovely," he replied just as sarcastically.

"Well, I just wanted to make sure."

"So, Freddy Krueger huh? That's bloody awesome."

"How do you know who Freddy Krueger is? You've been watching muggle movies with Hermione or something?"

Draco swayed slightly, his mouth working strangely, like he was trying to talk but he was too asleep to get words to form. Anne waited patiently. She had grown accustomed to the people around her doing this, and she figured it was their real personality showing through, or at least trying to break through.

After a few seconds of him looking rather dizzy, Draco shook his head and put his sword back in its holster. "Care for a dance, m'lady?" he said in a passable Mexican accent (although Antonia Banderas was Spanish), and that was obviously who Draco was basing his look after . . . (Actually, he sounded a bit more like Puss in Boots from Shrek 2. Who is, incidentally, the same person.)

"All right," she said with a shrug, and they began to grind against each other, her getting closer to him than she would in normal circumstances. Anne was quite a good dancer. Obviously she wasn't as good (or sexy) as Catwoman, but she did turn a few heads.

Suddenly, a high-pitched scream that sounded like "HAH-LEE-YEE-YEE-YEE-YEE!" rent through the air and something that resembled the letter O from hell flew threw the air, decapitating several unimportant characters whom Anne had never seen before and had the odd feeling were created simply for the purpose of being killed. She thought she saw Mad-Eye Moody, but considering he had already died in the author's version of this world, she quickly forgot about it. Of course her forgetting about it might have been because Pansy, dressed as Xena: The Warrior Princess ™ clutched onto her chakram (for some weird reason Anne called the strange circular frisbee O from hell that; she wasn't cure if that was what it was really called) and jumped in between Draco and Anne, shoving Anne to the ground, almost knocking the dirty fedora off of her head.

"The boy is mine, bitch!" she exclaimed, looking ridiculous in the leather outfit that was definitely suited for Lucy Lawless and not pug faced bitches.

Anne slowly stood, brushing off her green-and-red striped shirt, scowling at the girl in front of her. "Technically, he and Hermione are together, or do you not remember their little Great Hall moment?"

"What? I'm not with that filthy mudblood Granger! And why are we all dressed like complete prats?" he asked, looking around the Great Hall in confusion, then staring down at his costume with disgust etched on every single inch of his face.

"Oh, but Blondie Bear, you are. Remember?"

He stared at her, lip curled. "Oh, Merlin, I really do hate my life . . ." He then swayed slightly, shook his head, then shoved Pansy away from him. "I am dancing with Anne as of the moment, and I don't like you anyway, and as you can see, I am not dating Hermione Granger, she is with Weasley over there. Idiot. I have no idea what you are talking about with this 'Great Hall' thing. I am dating Raven, who . . . I can't find, strangely enough . . ." He pointed in the direction of Ron and Hermione, who were both dressed as leprechauns (Hermione in a green dress that barely covered her bum and pushed her cleavage together, making her rather busty, and showing off her long, slender, tan legs, and a hat perched perfectly on top of her glamorous, golden-brown curls. Ron looked boring.)

"Wait, so you two aren't together? There was no Great Hall incident? And you're not head boy?" Anne asked cautiously.

"What? No. Raven is my true love. At least for now. I have a suspicion she may like Harry." He then shrugged, as if he didn't care that his girlfriend would likely leave him for his mortal enemy.

Anne just chalked this all up to another plot hole.

Spiderman was dancing beside Ginny, and they were both near Draco and Anne. Ginny didn't seemed to be dressed as anything, and just swayed back and forth in a dazed sort of way. "I'm only dancing with you to make Raven jealous," Harry stated inside the Spiderman costume. Obviously Harry was Spiderman. Anne wondered vaguely why Harry would want to be anywhere near Draco in the first place. It didn't really make much sense.

So Anne and Draco began dancing again, rather provocatively, which seemed to really anger Pansy. Pansy was busy trying to make Draco jealous by dancing with Blaise, but judging by the wistful glance Blaise kept giving to Draco, he was also trying to make Draco jealous. Draco mentioned in passing he was only dancing with Anne to make Raven jealous, considering he couldn't find her.

Anne wondered mildly if she should try and make someone jealous as well, since that seemed to be the popular thing to do at the time.

Someone stood beside Draco and tapped his shoulder .Anne looked up at the person, and recognized Snape immediately. He was wearing a white mask partially covering his face, and she recognized the costume as the Phantom of the Opera. Typical.

"Mind if I cut in?" Snape asked.

Draco stood back. "Of course, senor, she is you fiancée," Draco said in that passable Mexican accent (although Antonia Banderas was Spanish) and bowed deeply while he stepped away from Anne.

Anne chuckled lightly and was surprised when a slow song began to play. Immediately. She frowned at how strange that was, then glanced over to see that, magically, everybody seemed to be slow dancing with someone else. At the exact same time as the slow song began to play.

Severus pulled her to him, and then he began to dance expertly across the floor, twirling her and dipping her in amazing displays of dancing perfection. Severus Snape might as well have been named Fred Astaire (who was an amazing, famous dancer, incidentally) the way he moved along the floor, the crowd parting for them, all of them apparently unaware that he was suddenly the best slow dancer in the entirety of Hogwarts.

The entire time, Anne couldn't help but look away from his obsidian eyes, and how his collarbone length hair shimmered in the lights. Even the white half-mask that partially obscured his face seemed to shine in the light, and his perfectly lean body against hers made her feel suddenly warm. She found herself wishing that Snape had looked more like himself (yes, the less-than-attractive one) and he wasn't wearing a costume that covered a part of his face. She loved the original Snape, and so that was who she wanted to dance with--who she wanted to marry. Since she _had_ to marry.

"Where did you learn to dance like this?" she asked quietly.

He faltered for a moment, causing him to stumble, but only a little. He paused, titling his head and looking at her with confusion. "I have no idea. I just know how to. Suddenly. For no reason at all."

"Ah."

He looked around the ball with an unpleasant grimace on his face, then he hand went up to the mask on his face. "We are dressed in costumes because . . . ?" he asked, looking around with disdain.

"It's the Halloween Ball," she explained.

"We've never had a Halloween Ball before . . ." He then looked down at what he was wearing, then at the red-and-green striped sweater, the dirty fedora hat, and the gloves with the knives on her hand. "What are you dressed as? A Santa Claus from hell?"

"Freddy Krueger," She answered, waving about her claws, wiggling them, smiling at him knowingly with a mischievous glint in her eye.

He blinked a few times, apparently confused.

She shook her head and scoffed. "It's a muggle thing."

He looked around at all of the romantic couples dancing slowly with one another, his eye lingering on Batman and Catwoman, who were snogging passionately while they swayed. Nobody paid them any mind, except for a few glances of jealousy shot in their direction.

"Do you wanna get out of here?" Anne asked, interpreting his facial expression as horror and disgust.

"Yes," he answered immediately, tearing his gaze off of the display Batman and Catwoman (or Kurt and his mystery lover) with and snarl.

They pushed their way through the crowd, who had parted for them when they'd been dancing, but now that they weren't seemed to give them dirty glares as if them leaving somehow ruined their experience of the Ball, which didn't really make sense.

On their way out, then bumped right into Lupin, who was wearing holey jeans with a plaid shirt, that was torn in places, and yellow eyes with pointy ears and a tail sticking out from the back of his pants. He had brown sideburns and sharp fake teeth.

"Hilarious," Snape spat sarcastically before brushing past him, upper lip curled in a snarl.

As soon as they left the Great Hall, they saw Bellatrix--who had dyed her long hair blue, and her skin had a slightly bluish tint to it--in a beautiful wedding gown with a slit up one leg, and a veil that was rippling behind her. "Have you seen Sirius? He's my date."

"Aren't you two cousins?" Snape asked, disgust dripping form every syllable.

"Yes, but when he isn't busy having butt-sex with Lupin, he's busy shagging me--well, when I'm not busy shagging Kurt. Our love is a true love, one that I don't expect you to understand, _Turpin."_

"Beg pardon?" Snape looked thoroughly puzzled.

"Wrong movie, Bellatrix."

"Hmm? My name is Emily."

"Wrong movie!" spat Anne, glaring at her.

Bellatrix furrowed her eyebrows and tilted her head, her long, blue hair falling to the side. Then she blinked a few times. "Oh, right, yes . . . I must find Sirius . . . Or Sweeney . . . Or Victor . . . What? Where am I? Who the bloody hell am I?"

"You're Bellatrix Lestrange, and you're apparently looking for your cousin, Sirius," Anne said slowly, as if she were talking to a child.

"Bellatrix, my love!" Sirius shouted from the other end of the hall, his hair long and wavy, wearing old Victorian-esque type clothes with round sunglasses and a cane. He was also wearing a top hot.

They ran towards each other, and embraced when they met in the hallway, kissing for a moment. "What are you dressed as, Black?" Snape asked, looking about ready to vomit.

"Dracula, idiot."

Then they sauntered off, holding each other's hands.

"He's quick to forgive her for, I don't know, killing him, don't you think?" Anne aired, mainly to nobody.

"I'd rather not discuss them," Snape said, his face a delicate shade of green.

Anne understood, and they left the Great Hall, going outside, where it was actually quite warm considering it had been snowing a few days prior.

They walked in silence, then sat beside the lake, staring out at the dark horizon, and the large, bright, full moon that shone on the grounds. "Shouldn't Lupin be attacking the students ferociously?" Snape asked as he pointed at the moon.

"It's been a full moon every night since we got here."

Snape lowered his hand, tossing his long hair over his shoulder. "I don't suppose I would notice, considering I haven't been myself lately."

Anne shrugged, folding her arms over her knees, which were against her chest, while she stared out over the lake. "Yeah, well, nobody has, so . . ."

"Who is Turpin?" he asked quietly.

"Ever read Sweeny Todd?"

"The play? Yes." Anne raised her eyebrows in question at him, and he looked mildly affronted. "Do you think me illiterate? I _can_ read, and considering I have no hatred towards muggles, I do read muggle plays." Anne nodded, accepting it. "Why would she call me by that horrid character's name?"

"It's . . . well, you--well not _you,_ but the guy who plays you--he plays him. Which is weird, 'cause you don't really look like Alan Rickman right now. Well, you do a bit."

"And did he play Eric as well?"

Anne furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, then slowly looked up and stared at Snape. She had no idea who she was talking about. Snape looked at her puzzled expression for a bit, then sighed. "The Phantom of the Opera," he rephrased, shaking his head and snarling slightly, looking back across the lake, the moonlight shining on his mask.

"Oh, no. A lot of people compare you to him, though."

He reached up and grabbed the mask off of his face, looked at it, then tossed it into the lake. "Fascinating. And do they also portray me as someone willing to dress up on this childish holiday?"

"I happen to like dressing up," she said, glaring at him.

"I do not." She just pursed her lips and sat beside him quietly for a few moments.

The silence started out awkward, but after a few moments it grew comfortable. They both just sat there, listening to the dull tones and bass from the music inside the Great Hall, Anne tapping her fake knives against her arms, then stretched out her legs and rested on her elbows, turning her head so she could look at him. If she narrowed her eyes a bit, she could make him look more like himself, or at least how she imagined him. He looked rather pensive staring out across the lake.

He turned to say something to her and saw that she was staring adoringly at him. She blushed deeply, then quickly looked away, her heart beating fast, embarrassed that he had caught her looking at him.

"You can look at me. We are going to be married."

She blushed even deeper, then forced herself to look at him again, smiling warily at him. "Right . . . If we don't fix this world by Christmas, anyway." He was smirking mockingly at her, apparently amused that he'd caught her staring at him. "I can't help it, okay? I like looking at you."

"Which is why I asked you to marry me."

I shifted uncomfortably. "I was thinking about that the other day . . . And if, er, we don't' fix it in time, and I get pregnant, or I have the baby . . ." He raised an eyebrow at her, and she swallowed. "What I'm saying is, that if I have the baby--or I'm pregnant--before I fix this world, I mean, if everything gets balanced out afterwards, well . . . I'll stay here. I won't abandon my baby. I won't make you be a single father, and there's no way I could afford to bring it back with me to my home world, so I'll stay." Her voice was strained while she spoke, as if it wasn't' something she wanted to talk about.

Snape continued to stare at her, like she had said something he didn't quite understand. They stared at each other, her rather uncomfortable, him staring at her as if he'd never seen anything like her before. After a few seconds, he nodded once, the corners of his mouth lifting slightly. HE didn't need to say anythign else for her to understand.

"I'm sorry this had to happen," she said after a few moments. "I can't imagine what it's like, having to marry someone you don't love."

"Marrying someone you love who you know doesn't love you in return must not be very pleasant either," he pointed out.

Anne nodded a few times. "Yeah, well . . . I'm sorry. I really wish . . . you could've been with Lily."

He sighed audibly, and she bowed her head. "I was dead. All of this . . . Everything was over. Then I was brought back here, shoved into this hellish world where at time I believe Lily is . . . I'd rather not repeat what I think of her during those times." Anne nodded understandingly.

"What was it like? Being dead. Do you remember?"

"You mean, was I in heaven or hell?"

"No, I mean, what was heaven like? You'd better not have gone to hell."

He smiled briefly at that, and she was glad she'd made him smile, even if for only a second. "I don't really remember. It wasn't unpleasant, however."

"Good."

"So . . . Have you thought of any names, in case you do conceive?"

Anne shook her head, staring out over the lake. "I've always liked the name Adria for a girl, and Tobias for a boy."

"I refuse to name any son of mine Tobias," he spat.

"I figured as much. So no, I haven't really. I think it's something we should discuss. It'll be our child, not just mine."

He nodded slowly, then turned back to look at her. This time she was busy looking out over the lake, and so he studied her face without her knowing it. The red-and-green sweater was somewhat baggy on her, so it didn't give her chest much justice, and the hat cast a shadow over her blue eyes, so all he could really admire was her mouth and nose, and the bottom of her curly, dirty blonde hair.

"I do hope the children take after you more so than me," he admitted quietly.

She jumped, slighlty startled at his voice, and then turned and looked at him. "Why would you want that? I'm fat."

"You're. . . plump. Actually, I view your body as healthy."

"Well, yeah, but my hair--"

"Is not greasy. You have more becoming qualities than I do normally, you must admit that."

She opened her mouth to protest, then realized that, well, whilst she was no amazingly attractive, she was still more attractive than him (normally) and so she didn't protest. She let out a sigh. "You're really hot right now, Severus," she said, remembering that since they were to be married, they had agreed to call each other by their first names. She didn't really remember when they had had that discussion, but she remembered that they had.

"I suppose that may be in your favour come our wedding night. I believe you said you wanted to wait until then?"

"Yes, I do want to wait until I'm married . . . But really, I'd rather you be yourself that night, and not some weird imitation. Actually, I think it'd be nice if I suddenly looked much better. I don't want it to be awkward for you."

"You're fine as you are." She shrugged, deciding it would be pointless to argue. She could point out many of her flaws to him, but that would just make her feel even more depressed, so she didn't. "I will try to be myself that night. I know how much that means to you, although i cannot fathom why."

"Because I love _you._ Duh."

"For reasons I will never understand, but it is appreciated."

She just rolled her eyes, then lied on her back, putting her hands underneath her head, and staring up at the stars and at the moon, feeling comfortable knowing Snape was sitting beside her. "Well, hopefully, we'll get home and fix everything before then so you won't have to do anything you don't want."

"If not, I will be content with you."

She couldn't help but grin and feel butterflies fluttering in her stomach. She turned her head slightly to see him looking at her, his longer-than-it-should-be hair obscuring his face slightly. He then lied on his back beside her and she smiled even broader.

"I have a nigh impossible-to-resist urge to quote Shakespeare," he stated, a note of confusion in his tone.

Anne quirked an eyebrow at him. "Really? Happens a lot in fanfic. Which play?"

"Romeo and Juliet," he answered. "A play which I despise, incidentally. I much prefer King Lear."

She scoffed slightly. "You would." She then turned her head to look at him lying beside her. He was looking at her too. "So am I to wager you'll drop out of character soon?"

"Perhaps . . ."

She let out a long sigh. "Pity. I like being around you."

"Really? I hadn't known that," he said quietly, but sarcasm dripped off of every syllable.

She chuckled barely, her nose crinkling when she laughed. "I really do hope I can please you on our wedding night. I just wish I could be good enough for you, you know?" she said, through her slight chuckles.

"You are an odd girl," he mumbled, then moved closer to her, leaning over her head, but his body still lying beside her. His longish hair fell forward, but it didn't bother her, nor did it seem to both him. Her chest was moving quicker with her laboured breath as he heart leapt up into her throat.

They stared at each other, Snape looking down at her, although he couldn't see her blue eyes (which he thought, besides her mouth, was he best feature) and he deftly removed the hat from her head and tossed it aside. Her cheeks were a bright red now, and her blue eyes refused to meet his black ones. She withdrew slightly, but she wasn't pushing him away.

He sought her eyes and they finally met, He could tell she was nervous; he didn't need Legilimency to tell that. But her memories seemed to be running rampant around her head, and he although he was not prying, he knew that there was a reason for her nervousness, something much more sinister than he preferred to think about.

He leaned down, moving in to kiss her, and she turned her head away. "I think that's my cue to leave," she mumbled.

He felt suddenly offended, but realized why she had turned away. "No, I believe your cue is when I offer you a cookie," he stated.

She slowly turned her head to look at him, surprised. Then she smiled. "Okay."

He bent down and brought his mouth to hers. He kissed her softly and briefly, his mouth barely touching hers, just grazing her bottom lip. He pulled away feeling a rather pleasant sensation run through him, having no idea that fireworks seemed to be exploding in Anne's head, but he knew she had enjoyed the brief kiss by the lazily content expression on her face. She actually looked a bit punch-drunk.

He bent down again, encouraged by the fact she seemed rather pleased. Their lips met again, this time he put a bit more force into it, and he brought in her bottom lip.

Anne swore she had died an gone to heaven. She's only been pecked on the lips (except for that one time when she made out when she was absolutely shit-faced drunk, but that kiss had been sloppy and tasted of vodka, and it hadn't really been very pleasant) and, although there was no tongue in this kiss, there was something more intimate, more passionate, about it than she had ever experienced.

When he brought in her bottom lip, she parted her lips slightly, having no actual idea as to what she was doing. When his tongue darted into her mouth, she responded enthusiastically, wrapping her arms around the back of his neck, pulling him closer to her. Warmth travelled up her spin and thrummed through her body. This was far better than that drunken attempt.

Just as the kissing was heating up a few moments later, their tongues massaging the other, his arms warm around her body since she had leaned upward to be closer to him, and he'd taken that opportunity to wrap his arms around her, there was the sound of walking.

"Care for some rum, mates?" came the somewhat gravely and slightly slurred accent one associated with Jack Sparrow.

Snape pulled away form her and looked up at the pirate, holding a large bottle full of amber coloured liquid, swaying slightly. Jack Sparrow looked down at them, a knowing smile on his face.

They both stood up, Anne blushing and brushing off her costume, bending over to grab her hat, and settling it back on her head.

"Looks like you two were havin' a bit of fun."

"Mm-hmm," Anne managed, feeling extremely agitated.

"Hello, Jack," Snape greeted cheerfully, the Phantom's mask suddenly back on his face although he had tossed it out into the lake when they'd first sat by the lake.

"Damn you!" Jack shouted, pulling out a straight-edge razor an automatically going fro Snape's throat.

"Wrong movie!" Anne shrieked, making every move to tackle Jack to the ground, thus starting a fight she would probably lose. "Actually . . . You shouldn't even be here."

Jack looked at the razor in his hand, tossed it over his shoulder, then took a swig out of his bottle of rum, then smiled at them. He then sort of strutted away, humming something about really bad eggs.

"Here, have a cookie, my love," Snape said, handing her a cookie.

"How long have you been like this?" she demanded, ignoring the cookie he was handing to her. She prayed that he hadn't been like this while they were kissing. That would just ruin the moment.

He furrowed he eyebrows and titled his head, the moonlight shining on his white mask. "What do you mean?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Never mind." Then she stormed off, leaving Snape behind her, never grabbing the cookie. She was tired of cookies anyway. Stupid son of a bitch, changing into a completely different Snape for now reason, just when they were kissing, how horrible was that . . .

When she walked into the school, she saw Kurt (as Batman) making out with Catwoman passionately against the stone walls of the school. Her leg was wrapped around his waists and she was wrapping her arms around his back tightly.

They pulled away and Kurt whispered something into her ear. Her icy-blue eyes widened, but her blood-red lips curled upwards into a smile. They both turned away, presumably to go somewhere more private, but then they stopped.

"Anne?" Catwoman said, in a familiar voice. "Freddy Krueger. How appropriate."

Anne frowned, recognizing her voice, but before she could really remember who it was, Kurt stood forward. "Having fun? I saw you leave with Snape."

"Yeah, Kurt, absolutely fucking marvellous," she snapped, folding her arms across her chest.

"Kurt Roberts?" the girl exclaimed, jumping away from him. "Why are you dressed as Batman?"

"What? 'Cause I fucking wanted to," he answered, looking at her incredulously.

She then tore off the head of her costume, her long, black, perfect hair falling past her shoulders. Other than the fact her eyes were icy blue, it was definitely Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince, the evil Mary Sue.

Kurt screamed out in complete horror and jumped away form Raven. "No! NOOOO! Not you! Oh my fucking God! No!"

Raven fell to her knees in tears, sobbing hysterically into her palms. "I thought you were Harry!" she exclaimed in sorrow.

"Harry is Spiderman, you fucking bitch! Oh my God, you idiot, my eyes are _hazel_ not _green!_ James had hazel eyes, not Harry! How fucking stupid are you? How can you mistake me for that--that fucking prat?"

Anne was trying hard not to laugh, and instead, snorted a little bit, covering her mouth. "Your eyes change colour, Kurt."

"Fuck!" he exclaimed, then ran off down the hallway, his cape flapping behind him.

Raven was curled up on the floor, sobbing into her palms, managing to look beautiful while she did so.

"Your eyes are icy blue, Raven. No wonder he didn't recognize you," Anne said still trying not to laugh at this pathetic display.

"I'm perfect at glamour charms, duh!" she choked through her musical sobs.

Anne burst out laughing, holding her stomach with her gloved hand, the fake knives sparkling in the light. Despite the fact Snape had dropped horribly out-of-character half-way through their kiss, the day hadn't really been that horrible. It was a shame Kurt would have to disagree on account of the fact he'd made out with his mortal enemy.


	14. The Best AuthorSleuth Ever

Chapter 15: The Best Author/Slueth Ever

When I finished reading the reviews for my latest chapter, when Raven kissed Kurt thinking he was Draco, I felt anger pulse through me. Didn't these people know what good writing was? All right, so maybe I had a few typos here and there, but Raven wasn't even a Mary Sue! I think they're all just jealous, because they're dumb, and because their characters aren't as cool as mine. Besides, she was based off of me! So maybe I changed a little bit--like, you know, obviously my dad, 'cause he was a good dad, and the fact I had magical powers, but it was pretty much me. I'd altered my appearance a little, and sometimes Raven did what I had thought about doing but hadn't done, but Raven was, in essence, me. These people didn't even know me, and they thought that they could insult me. Well, they can just fuck off for all I care. And what was with them telling me they liked Anne and Kurt? How pathetic was that!

I walked into the living room to see my dad and my mom talking to my aunt. "And how do you like your stay?" my aunt asked. She's British. I really liked my aunt, she was cool, and had a cool accent. Plus, she always sent me cool stuff for my birthday and for Christmas. At my last birthday, whe ni had turned twelve, she'd bought my the last Harry Potter book. It was the British edition, and all of the other editions were American, but I liked it anyway.

"I'm having a lot of fun!" I said, smiling and nodding.

"I notice you're certainly on your laptop often," she said, her eyebrow quirking up slightly. "Talking with friends at home?"

I shrugged, thinking of all the mean jerks who reviewed my story. "I guess so."

"Writing fanfic?" she asked.

"Oh, that's all she does," my mother said. My mom and my aunt were sisters, but because my mom had moved to America, like, fifteen years ago, he accent wasn't very strong, but my aunt's accent was very strong. "That, or talk about Snape, or Gerard Way . . ."

"Oh, yes, the girl who lives next door, she fancies Snape as well. Shame about her and her brother, though," my aunt muttered, going over and sitting beside my mom.

My mom was pretty. She was thin, and had high cheekbones, and she had her black hair pulled up in a bun a lot. She had bright blue eyes. I looked a lot like my mom, but I had my dad's dark brown, almost black, eyes. Anyway, my mom looked like her sister a lot, except her sister had curves in all the right places. But she wasn't as pretty as my mom in the face.

"What do you mean?" my dad asked, as I went over and sat next to him on the floor, so that I was sitting cross-legged at his feet. I pulled my drawing pad off of the coffee table and continued drawing my little comic of Snape.

I loved visiting my aunt. Being in England was so cool. Maybe her neighbour, that girl who likes Snape, maybe she could be my friend!

"Well, she was a very charming girl--very blunt. Her and her brother alike. They would come over--her brother is friends with my son, you see, and I think she's friends with him too--and they were very, well, interesting. But then they just . . . Disappeared."

"What, like they were kidnapped?" I asked, feeling a little sad. No wonder my cousin was so depressed lately. He was sixteen, almost seventeen, and he'd been really sad every time I tried talking to him.

"We don't know, actually. Eth house was locked. There were no signs of forced entry. Absolutely nothing was taken or disturbed. They both just . . . disappeared. I think my son fancied her."

I furrowed my eyebrows. I came to England to visit my relatives, just as two people disappeared. How sad. I bet they wish we'd came later. "Maybe they ran away," I said, continuing to draw my pictures.

"They didn't take anything. I'd assume if they ran off, they'd bring clothes. She was in college, too."

I sighed, then shrugged. I couldn't really feel too sad about it, 'cause I didn't know either of them. I drew a little more on my comic, thinking about what I could do with my fanfic next. Ron and Hermione had been together for the Halloween ball, and then--oh shit! I'd forgotten that she was with Draco now!

"What are their names?" my mother asked as I stood up, ready to go back into the computer room.

"Anne and Kurt."

I froze. That was strange. I turned back around and stared at my aunt, my eyebrows furrowed. "Roberts? Anne and Kurt Roberts?"

"Yes. Did Justin tell you about them?" my aunt inquired, her British lilt making her sound so sophisticated and cool.

"And--and they're both ugly, and have funny hair?" I asked, my mind whirling around.

"They're far from ugly. Did Justin say that?" she asked, standing up, looking offended. But of course, she didn't know what I was talking about.

"And--and chubby with fuzzy hair, and his is like a Jew fro? And hers is this tangled, nasty mess, and her eyes are blue, and his are hazel?" I asked, uncaring that my family was staring at me. It was really strange--too strange. How is it possible that I could be writing about two people I'd never met? Unless, of course, Justin had told me about them over the phone or something and I'd forgotten . . .

"Jew fro? That's a bit rude, don't you think?" My aunt looked offended by what I'd said for some reason. "But yes, in essence. Why?"

I shook my head. What else did I know about Anne and Kurt? Well, something other than the fact they were ugly, annoying, mean little jerk-off prejudiced, fascist fuckers who thought they were better than Raven, who is so not even a Mary Sue. I thought really hard.

"Lily. Does she like Lily?" At my family's blank stare, I sighed and put my hand on my hips. "Lily Potter. Evans. Harry's mom?"

"Oh, yes. She writes fanfic, too. She adores Lily. After she read Deathly Hallows, she came over and talked about it with me, and you can't imagine the respect she has for her. She tells me about her fanfics, too. I think her name is Ashes Falling, on some site she goes to. Why? Have you been speaking with her? What's all this about?"

Oh my God. This was so weird! Of course, it didn't mean anything whatsoever, it was just coincidence, probably from Justin telling me about them over the phone or something. Still, it was weird. "Oh, nothing, I just . . . Is she a Slytherin?"

"Well, that's the house she claims. She has a Slytherin shirt and a Slytherin necklace. She certainly strikes me as one. She was so proud when her brother took a Sorting quiz, and he was placed in Slytherin too. She was even prouder when she found out he had the same birthday as Draco Malfoy, same zodiac sign, though of course, different years. Honestly, why are you asking so many questions?"

I thought for a second, then remembered that Kurt, in my story, had Draco's birthday as well, and justin wouldn't have told me that, because he didn't know Draco's birthday. I hadn't known it either. "What do you mean, different years?"

"Didn't you know that the Harry Potter universe takes place in the nineties? Harry and Draco and, well, everyone but Hermione I suppose, was born in 1980. You're really starting to worry me. Why are you asking all of these questions?"

So strange. "Um, where is Justin?"

"In his room, probably. Are you sure--"

"Nothing, I was just curious," I said, lying perfectly. I was an excellent liar. They all shared a look between them, I have no idea why, and then I ran off to Justin's room, opening the door without knocking.

And I caught him . . . you know . . . masturbating.

"Oh my God!" I shouted, then ducked out of his room, feeling my cheeks burn. I'd never seen a real thingie before, just a drawn one. No wonder people told me it hurt when they had sex for the first time. It was so big! How could that ever feel good inside my you-know-what?

After a few minutes, eh came out, opening the door harshly. "All right, so you saw me wank. Big deal. Now what the ruddy hell were you bursting into my room for?" he demanded, his blue eyes wide and glaring down at me evilly.

"Um, did you ever tell me about Anne and Kurt?"

"No. She just moved here a few months ago. Have I even talked to you in the past year? Why? Have you seen them?" he asked, zipping up his pants (I hadn't noticed they were unzipped) and he stood out of his room fully.

"No, I . . . no. I was just wondering, for no reason at all," I said, lying again, 'cause I was such a good liar. They would never know that I was a little disturbed at the fact I had written about a girl and a boy who had never been mentioned in eth Harry Potter books who just happened to fit the description of two missing people right next door!

"No reason at all," he repeated, his eyebrow quirking in the same way his mother's did.

"She just moved there?"

"Yeah, she lived two hours away, with her mum. She moved here for college. She still hasn't unpacked any of her boxes. I went over to check her out--see if she was fancible, college girls, you know--and then we became friends."

"And . . . And she's not ugly?"

"She's all right," he answered. He looked me up and down. "Has anybody told you anything about them? Anything at all?" he asked suspiciously, although I'm not sure why, 'cause I wasn't acting suspicious.

"No, I just heard about them from your mom. So you guys were friends, though? Like, did they talk to you before they left or something? Say anything weird?"

"I had to sneak out of his window because we heard someone coming down the stairs, the night they disappeared. I've already told that to the proper . . . Why are you asking so many questions? You're not thinking about trying to find them are you? I know you, and I know how you like to stick your nose into things--listen, you're twelve, and you're just visiting until, what, January? That's a month away. Don't bollix anything up, all right?"

What was he talking about? I wasn't that curious. I didn't stick my nose where it shouldn't be. I was a Slytherin; not a stupid Gryffindork. And what did my age have anything to do with it? Harry killed a basilisk at twelve; I'm sure I'm more than capable . . .

Huh, what an interesting thought!

"No, I wasn't curious or anything, just . . . So you snuck in through his window? Which one was that?" I asked nonchalantly, keeping my voice calm.

He scoffed. "I'm not stupid." He then went back into his room and slammed the door shut. I don't know what he meant by that.

I put my finger in my mouth and bit into my fingernail.

Then I hurried towards the living room. "I'm going for a walk," I announced, grabbing my black coat and zipping it up.

"You don't want some biscuits?" my aunt asked, just as there was a dinging noise from the kitchen.

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Um, maybe for dinner."

"She means cookies," my dad said, smiling. "Biscuits are cookies."

I looked down at my coat. Oh. I hadn't known that. I thought for a second. Cookies--biscuits--or sneaking into the neighbour's house? I could have cookies anytime. "Sorry, er, maybe later. So, um, which neighbour was Anne and Kurt? To the left or to the right?"

My aunt looked at my mom and my dad, then pointed out of the window. "There. I wouldn't' suggest talking to their dad--he's a bit of an arse."

"I wasn't going to," I said, and this time I was telling the truth, not that they'd be able to tell, 'cause I'm such a great liar.

My dad turned and looked at me. "Honey, don't get in trouble. I didn't come all the way to England to have you mess up, all right?"

"God, Dad, I'm twelve years old not five!" I snapped angrily, then turned around and slammed the door shut.

I hurried over to the house, noticing that there was a car in the driveway. The hosue was nice enough, but I could see a bit of the basement on top of the ground. I knew that's where Kurt's room was, because Justin had said he'd needed to sneak out because he heard someone coming downstairs. There was a window next to the driveway that led into a downstairs room.

I popped out the screen--I'd done a bit of sneaking out of the house back in Cali-- and then pressed my palm against the window and pushed it open, then I slid into the room, landing on a bed right beneath the window. A sheet-less bed. There were boxes randomly stacked around the dark room, the walls bare, looking quite like an unfinished basement. The floor was made of cement. Clothes littered the floor, and there was a dresser half-open, clothes peeking out of the drawers. On the floor beside the bed were all the Harry Potter books, stacked neatly on top of one another, wit ha small little book called _Hamlet_ but I'd never heard of it, but the author was Shakespeare. I knew who he was. When I glanced at the stack, I noticed that the sixth book was missing.

I got off of the bed and looked around. The clothes on the floor were obviously the dirty ones. I picked two black ones up--they both had Snape on it. One said 'Snape' on it in green letters, and the other said 'Friend or Foe?' in blue letters. I looked around in all of her boxes, and there was this one box that had a very amazing painted picture of what I think was her. She actually looked pretty in this picture, but her hair was red. But it was still curly.

I looked around a bit more, finding a stack of poetry that was actually pretty good. I really liked her poetry--it was really sad. She seemed to be pretty good at drawing--at least, the pictures she had finished, anyway. Some of them weren't done. I knew this was Anne's room, because there were exactly three dresses, and they didn't look like they'd be worn a lot, and I don't' think Kurt would wear dresses. There were only three pictures in her room, on a shelf. It seemed to be the only thing she had unpacked, along with a tiger stuffed animal. There were two pictures, both of them of her in her prom dress, standing next to a cute kid in a tux. Her prom dress was a light shade of green, and his tux was a dark green. The third picture was of a little boy and a little girl. The girl was probably only one, but the boy was probably like five .he was in a costume of a knight, and she was in a costume of a pink fairy. They must be related to her or something.

She had a lot of drawn pictures of Snape, and a lot of dragon figurines. She had a dagger, too. She had a Harry Potter journal, and I skimmed through it, reading some of her journal. But she hadn't' written in it for three years, so I didn't care about it too much, so I didn't read a lot of it. Just the bits that were about Snape, which consisted mainly of her theories or dreams she'd had about him.

Anyway, this room was a bit boring. I couldn't find that Slytherin necklace they mentioned.

I walked across the basement, eyeing the guitars and drums. I walked into the other bedroom, which had a really nice pink carpet and white walls, but other than that, it was obvious it was a boy's room. And it was big, too. Why was Anne in that crappy room? This room had a TV in it, and an old bed with blankets messed up on it, beer bottles on the floor, along with empty pizza boxes, and dirty clothes. There was a knife stuck in the wall, and it was covered in a sauce of some kind. There was a corner chair, and on it was the sixth book, the folded part of the jacket cover stuck somewhere in the book, like a bookmark. I went over to it and opened it, reading where they had left off. It was when Draco stomped on Harry's face. I put the book back down.

I looked around his room, finding socks that were stuck together with something I didn't know, like glue I guess, and some magazines of naked girls.

Absolutely nothing here that shouldn't be. I started over to his bed to climb out of his window, but that's when I saw it. It was a wand. I bent down and picked it up. Well, I guess it could be a wand. They probably bought it off the internet or something, or made it. But when I touched it, I felt strange, like it was warm from someone holding it. I don't' know, I just felt something strange when I held it.

That's when I heard a knock on the door, so I quickly climbed out of his window--the screen was already gone--and found myself in the back yard. I was just out of the backyard and near the driveway when I heard my aunt's voice.

" . . . we just thought she might be here. She was asking a lot of questions."

"Nobody knocked."

"Well, that's not necessarily . . . a problem with her. Plus, the screen to the window is on your driveway. I don't want to . . . Give you any reason to, ah, be frightened."

"Well if your fucking niece snuck into my house, then you'll fucking hear about it from me. If she's in here, you better have a good fucking lawyer," snapped a man, and I shrank against the brick of his house. "I'm sick of your idiot son hanging out with my kids, too. You'd best keep that boy on a tighter leash." I didn't like how this man spoke to my aunt. Then I heard a door slam.

I waited until I heard my aunt walk away, then I snuck out of the backyard, and ran home, opening the door a few minutes after she entered.

"I thought I told you to stay out of trouble," my dad said with his lips pursed.

"I did."

They all stared at each other, but I have no idea why. I undid my coat and put it where it belonged, toying with my new wand as I went to the room I was staying in. I started typing a new chapter of my story.

I was barely even a paragraph into it when my dad walked in. He glanced at the toy wand I'd put beside my laptop, then handed me a cookie. "Here, have a cookie," he said.

I took it from him. "Biscuit," I corrected, then returned to my story.

* * *

Anne yawned tiredly, working on her potions. Thankfully, she had the Half-Blood Prince's book next to her, so her and Kurt could follow its instructions, rather than try to follow the blurry instructions that appeared on the board whenever Raven did something to her potion, or do exactly what Raven was doing as she did it.

Thankfully, the horrid author had realized that the Prince's book was the best instructions to follow and so both her and Kurt got perfect grades. Raven, of course, also had a perfect potion, but she was so great in the class she had every potion memorized. Of course.

They all had their potions graded. Kurt and Anne (because they'd followed the Prince's instructions) got full marks. Raven, because she was a Mary Sue, got _extra_ marks, and forty points to Slytherin for such an excellent brew. Raven, however, didn't glare at Anne as she normally would have done, and went over and sat by Harry. They were now best friends. Hermione and Ron didn't sit beside them, nor speak. In fact, they hardly existed.

"Anne, I'm going to need to see you after class," Snape said calmly before she returned sitting beside her brother, who sat beside Draco.

"What do you think he needs to see you for?" Kurt asked, narrowing his eyes at Snape.

"I don't know. Probably a cookie. Or he's going to try and snog me, and proclaim his undying devotion to me, and oh, if only Lucretia hadn't died . . ." she muttered darkly, glaring in his direction, as if angry at him. "He's been trying to talk to me ever since Halloween, but I've been conveniently busy."

"Well, ain't that just a toddle and a piss," Draco said, his voice deeper, more rugged, with his piercing blue eyes back to bleu instead of grey, and wearing a long black duster over a red button-up shirt that was unbuttoned, which he wore over a black t-shirt tucked into his black jeans. A la, Spike from _Buffy the Vampire Slayer._

"I thought this was a Harry Potter fanfic?" Kurt asked her quietly, and they both turned to see Draco suddenly transform into James Marsters, and therefore, fully Spike.

"Like it really matters? Jack Sparrow tried to slice Snape's throat with a straight edge razor. I doubt the author really cares," Anne said a little testily, turning so she could glare at the back of Raven's head.

Raven turned around and saw Anne glaring at her. Anne expected Raven to flip her off, but instead, she smiled nervously, and waved her fingers at her.

Anne frowned in confusion, then looked behind her curiously, hoping to find someone returning that wave to Raven. When nobody did, she turned back to the dreaded Mary Sue, and waved half-heartedly, her smile more like a grimace.

And Draco, instantaneously, returned to his former self. He was now wearing school robes. Draco, Kurt, and Anne were the only ones wearing the appropriate clothing, but it was better than nothing.

The bell sounded, dismissing all of class, except Anne, who had been asked to speak to her 'fiancée' after class. She only hoped it was the Snape she loved, and not some weird imitation that liked to quote Shakespeare and wear white half-masks. She wouldn't forget the incident two days ago, when in front of the entire Great hall, Severus fell to his knees in front of her and quoted something that was unmistakeable from _Romeo and Juliet_ for no reason whatsoever. This had been the day after the Halloween ball, and thusly, Anne hadn't been in a very good mood this week so far.

"Yes, sir?"

"I thought we had agreed that we would be calling each other by our given names," he said, eyes raising from his desk, his eyebrow arched.

And she smiled, feeling suddenly happier. "And so we did, Severus." Her tone made it completely obvious she was thrilled to have him talking to her as his normal self. "You wanted to see me?"

"I did not forget why you are still here," he said.

"I meant, why?" she rephrased.

One side of his mouth tilted upward mockingly. "Would you like a biscuit?" he asked.

She let out a harsh breath. "No, I don't want a bis--" She stared at him; he stared at her. There was a moment of understanding between them, and the grin that spread across her features let him know she understood what he was implying. "A biscuit?" she repeated quietly.

"Yes."

"How long has it been a biscuit and not a cookie?"

"Just recently; on your way towards my desk. Thus, this was not the topic of my original discussion, but I found it important nonetheless."

She nodded slowly, realizing that something had happened, whether or not she had caused it. "I've noticed that, er, sometimes, when she does something un-Mary Sue-ish, then something . . . Changes, like it should be. But . . . I still don't get what I'm supposed to do about it. Why us?"

"I've no idea. There are many things about this which I do not understand. However, this is also not what I wished to discuss with you." She furrowed her eyebrows, having no idea what else Snape would want to talk to her about. "On Halloween, beside the lake . . . I kissed you."

She blushed and looked towards the floor. She had thoroughly enjoyed that kiss--until she'd found out he'd been out-of-character at some point during it. "Yeah. I knew this was coming. I was hoping you wouldn't remember it, being as you weren't . . . well, look, I'm not really that great, I know, but you have to understand, I've never kissed with tongue before. And if I'd known it wasn't you, then I wouldn't have--"

"Anne, _I_ kissed you." The delicate stress on the word 'I' did not go unnoticed, and she cocked her head to the side. "If we are to be married, we may as well try to make our union as pleasant as possible. I doubt you would have wanted me to thrust my way inside you without introducing you to kissing, or other intimacies, beforehand. We cannot go from barely speaking each other's given names to sex in a single moment. I find that . . . uncouth, and I assure you, it would be most uncomfortable, for the both of us. No matter how much you love me."

Anne looked at hi for a moment, as if unsure as to believe that he really meant what he was saying. Then, she smiled, and nodded. "Yeah, you're right. But let's hope we get this problem solved before then, right?"

"I suppose," he said, looking away from her and back at the essays he corrected.

She furrowed her eyebrows, confused slightly at what he had said. "What? Do you want to get married?"

Although he was still looking away from her, he began talking. "Anne, it has been . . . awhile, since anybody has been interested in me. Forgive me if I am more than willing to have someone actually look at me with something other than disgust."

Anne stood there uncomfortably, feeling a bit stupid for her presumption into his feelings. "I could stay here, if you want, even if . . . things go back to normal," she said quietly, shifting uncomfortably.

He looked up at her, and she couldn't tell what it was that he was feeling, considering that his face was expressionless. He stared at her for a long while. He opened his mouth to speak and--

BAM!

The door banged open, and Raven came striding towards Anne, her dark hair flowing behind her, her black eyes focusing on Anne fixedly, and power crackling off of her skin. Before Anne could react, Raven grabbed Anne's head to hold her still, and stared into her eyes.

And a slew of memories burst forth.

"_A Snape shirt?" asked a girl, staring at the shirt on Anne's chest. "Ew, wouldn't you rather have a Sirius shirt? He's my favourite character."_

_FLASH!_

"_Dude, I think Justin fancies you. I swear to fucking God, if you have sex with my friend, I'm gonna kill myself. I don't give a shit if you're a virgin," Kurt grumbled while Anne raised her eyebrows at him, questioningly._

_FLASH!_

_Anne was dancing with her date at the prom, her green dress swirling around her feet while she laughed, her blonde hair pulled up in an elegant bun, done professional of course, the one time she felt her hair looked beautiful._

_FLASH! _

"_I meant man-pussy. 'Cause he's gay, like your best friend. Only Dumbledore is old as hell, your gay friend is eighteen. Dumbledore was born in 1881, right?"_

_Anne cocked her head to the side, astonished at his sudden knowledge. He couldn't even remember Snape's birthday, which was a day after their father's (not in the same year, though). "How did you know that?"_

_Kurt shrugged. "Same year Billy the Kid supposedly died. _

_FLASH! _

_A child version of Anne was crying on a sheet-less bed while a man who had to be near his twenties was doing up his pants--_

Raven pulled away from Anne, shoving away from her suddenly. Anne stumbled, but Raven was staring at her, completely satisfied. She smirked smugly at the completely bewildered Anne.

THWACK!

Raven was on the ground, her lips split and bleeding, crimson leaking out of both of her nostrils, and tears welling up in her eyes. Anne stood above her, her fist clenched tightly. "You are a _fucking_ bitch," Anne growled dangerously, her fist shaking.

Raven stood up, staggering slightly. "I got all I wanted anyway," she said ominously. Anne glared. Then she put her hands over her face, and when she removed her hands, there were no injuries whatsoever. "You forgot that I can heal with my hands," she said haughtily, smirking evilly.

Anne raised her fist again, and Raven ran screaming out of the door.

* * *

A/N--Sorry about the long update. And yes, I'm adding plot. More plot.


	15. Some Confusing Shit

Chapter 15: Some Confusing Shit

The Slytherin common room was as peaceful as it could be. A few of the older Slytherins were smoking against the furthest wall, closest to the fireplace, in case their Head of House or other authority figure decided to walk in, and they could toss their smokes into the fire. A few were playing a round of poker, some were studying, some were paying those who do study to do their homework for them, and others were just lounging about, talking with their friends.

All in all, everything was . . . normal. Nobody was having sex on the couch in front of everybody. Nobody was inviting Voldemort over for tea, and nobody was acting extremely out-of-character.

Kurt watched these proceedings with a small amount of interest. At least everybody was wearing school robes, that way he wouldn't have to see Pansy half-naked (or fully naked, depending on her mood) anymore.

"What were we saying?" Draco asked, furrowing his pale eyebrows, bemused slightly.

"We were playing 'all the ways to kill Harry Potter' and then . . ." And then everything went normal. Kurt and Anne had figured out that if Raven did something un-Mary Sue-ish, it would affect something; make it normal. Perhaps she had done something epic. "Yeah, that's what we were doin'. Anyway, so, we could take a machete, and cut his arms off, then beat him to death with his own arms. That would be fuckin' tight."

"Or we could just avada him," Draco stated, as if it was completely obvious.

"Well, yeah, but the point of the game is to do somethin' creative, Draco, somethin' fucked up, like make him eat his own shit until he poisons himself, or cut him open and strangle him with his own intestines. Shit, or we could fuckin' push him off the Astronomy Tower and drop crystal fucking balls on his head--the point is to do some fucked up shit, not just shove a fucking curse in his fucking dome. That's fucking boring."

"This sounds more like my aunt Bella's sort of game," Draco aired with a haughty sniff.

"Come on, Draco, don't' be such a fucking pussy."

Draco gave Kurt an incredulous look. "What? It's not like we're ever gonna actually kill him, so there really isn't much point, is there?"

"What, like you don't ever fuckin' say shit you don't fuckin' do. I say shit I don't do all the fuckin' time. Like, 'yeah, I'll do the dishes' but I don't really do it. It's not supposed to be taken seriously."

Draco thought for a moment, then shrugged. "All right, er . . . We could . . . Make him choke on his own vomit."

Kurt smirked, and then the portrait door burst open, and Raven came in, breathing heavily, slamming the portrait behind her fearfully.

She got a few feet before Anne burst into the common room as well, he wand pointed at Raven. "You bitch! You cowardly fucking bitch!"

"Whoa, what the fuck's goin' on?" Kurt asked, jumping up.

"Crucio!" Anne shouted, and Raven fell to the floor, screaming.

"Anne!" Kurt shouted, running towards his sister, and yanking her arm down, breaking her concentration. Raven stopped screaming. "Anne, what the fuck are you doing? That's a fuckin' Unforgivable!"

"It's not like I'm killing her, Kurt, and the bitch deserves it," she said, glaring in her direction, her eyes narrowed and slightly moist. "She did Occlumency on me, and saw . . . personal things."

"I don't give a shit! You don't use Unforgivables, Anne! You just fuckin' don't!"

"Fuck you!" she snapped at her brother, jerking away from him.

Kurt stood straighter and glared down at her, towering over her. He was a full head taller than she was, and much broader as well, so it did look somewhat intimidating. Anne, however, didn't budge--they were brother and sister, after all, it wasn't like they'd never gotten into an argument before.

"I saw all I needed to see anyway," Raven stated, standing up, shaking slightly. "And I would curse her back, but . . ."

"Saw all you needed? What are you talking about?" Kurt snapped, turning to glare at her, eyes narrowed. "Get the fuck outta this conversation."

"I know where you'er from," she said with a smirk. "You're from my world."

Anne grabbed Raven's arm. "We're talking about this outside," she ordered, and practically drug Raven out of the common room, leaving Kurt bewildered, staring after them. Draco came up to him and tilted his head. "What did she mean? Are you guys from her world, you know, where this is just a book? Are you guys really?"

Kurt turned to Draco and opened his mouth to answer, then frowned. "No, she's just a lying bitch is all," he lied with a shrug, glancing at eth closed portrait. "Okay, so we could take a hot poker, right, and stick it in his arse and mutilate his insides with it. Sound good?" he stated, acting as if nothing strange had happened at all.

* * *

Anne walked away from the portrait for a bit, holding onto Raven's arm tightly. They made it a few feet before Raven tugged her arm from her grasp easily. "Anne, you have to listen to m--"

"I don't have to do shit!" Anne rounded on Raven, her wild, dirty-blonde hair whipping in front of her face. "You had no right--no right--to do that! Those were private memories, and I wasn't lying, and I wasn't taking lessons, and I wasn't giving you permission, so you--you had no right, dammit!"

"I know who you are! You live next to my cousin!" Raven shouted, dark eyes alight.

Anne opened her mouth to keep yelling, then she spluttered for a moment, confused. "What?"

"Well, not my cousin, but _my_ cousin. I'm not Raven anymore--I'm the author," Raven stated, smiling and nodding encouragingly.

"The what?" Anne asked, still shaking her head, looking at Raven as if she hadn't heard her correctly.

Raven sighed. "I'm not speaking as Raven, but as the author, the person writing this fanfic. You see, Raven is just my character, but I'm not really there, so I have to talk through her, since she's based off of me. Well, she is me." She nodded importantly.

Anne blinked a few times. This was getting really fucked up, really fast. "That's stupid."

"No, it's true! I'm really not looking at you right now, really, I'm not, I'm just looking at words on the screen and at my keyboard so I really don't know what you look like I just have your description so you're not really looking at me either."

"But I am! I'm looking at you right now! What the fuck are you playing at?"

"All right, so maybe _you_ are 'cause you're really there, but I'm not, I'm just the girl who Raven is based after and this is just a fanfic. You know fanfic, 'cause you write it all the time, I've read your stuff--you're Ashes Falling, and I liked that one with Dumbledore even though I think gays are gross and disgusting but that's beside the point anyway, look, I know you're from my world, 'cause I'm at my cousin's house and he lives next door to you in England! And you've been missing, and your brother too, and I snuck into your house and looked--"

"Whoa, whoa, wait," Anne said, holding up both of her hands, looking at Raven with her brows furrowed. She stared at her, thinking hard. Raven wasn't supposed to know where they'd come from, in case it screwed up the plan. Besides, it was just too fun to fuck with her. "So you snuck into someone's house?"

"No, I snuck into yours."

"But Raven, I live next to Harry, and you haven't even left the school--"

"No! I'm not Raven right now, I'm the author! Okay, listen--I'm writing a fanfic about Raven, an American girl from our world being sucked into the Harry Potter world and finding out stuff about her--"

"Okay, that's just ridiculous, you're just fuckin' with me. Besides, we all know you're Snape's daughter. We _all_ know, so you don't need to pretend that you're an author and--"

"No, you don't understand. This is not real. Somehow you got sucked into my fanfic. All right, yes, Raven is Snape's daugther, happy? You figured it out, because you read fanfic, and--"

"This isn't a fanfic! I can _see_ you! And let's say that it is, okay? You are writing me. You are writing what I say. Therefore, I have no control over my actions, and that you're just writing me to say what you want me to say so I don't really understand the point of what you're saying because you're just going to make me either be from your world or not, but like I said, this isn't really a fanfic, so you're just trying to justify what you did to me in the Potions room, so fuck off."

Raven let out a howl of frustration and held her forehead in her palms for a moment, missing the smirk on Anne's face. Raven looked back at her. "No, you don't understand. I know that you know I'm right. I know it, because you really are from the real our world, not the fake our world Raven is from, because you live next door to my cousin! Besides, when it comes to you and Kurt, I have no control over what you say--it's like you guys act on your own free will!"

"Okay, let's just say that you're right, and that I am really in your fanfic, how the fuck would I get here, and why would I be?"

"I don't know! But I found a wand in Kurt's room. I was looking for your Slytherin necklace 'cause I was gonna steal it, but it wasn't there--"

"You were gonna what?" Anne shouted, glaring at Raven again.

"Well, as proof, _proof_ that you were gone, _proof _that you were here! Besides, I've always wanted a Slytherin necklace, and since you were not in your original world, but I didn't--oh! I have this wand!" She stood there for a moment, looking blank. She was staring ahead of herself with a vacant expression. Anne waved her hand in front of Raven's face, and nothing happened. She shrugged, then waited impatiently. "Uh, I actually have no idea how I'm gonna give it to you, I started poking the wand onto my screen, but nothing happened."

"Muggles can do magic, I think. Just a little bit, because the wand has magic in it."

"It never said that in the books," she snapped angrily.

"Really? Hmm, then why do I know it, then?"

"Because you're not really in the books and you're making it up!"

"Look, there must be a reason I know it, so maybe . . . Maybe it's mentioned in an interview or something."

Raven was quiet for a moment again, and Anne smirked. She was too gullible.

"Wow! It sort of floated my cookie--I mean, biscuit. It, well, it sort of wavered in the air and fell. It was awesome! So, here, let me try--" She was quiet again for a few seconds. "Um, I don't know any spells that would make something go into another world, but I'd show you the wand if I could."

"Because you're not really in another world and you're just acting like a prat," Anne informed haughtily.

Raven let out a long sigh. "Look, somehow, you got sucked into my fanfic, and into the Harry Potter world, and everyone's freaking out that you're gone, and I'm trying to get you out, but I have no idea how you got here in the first place but I know you're really sucked in there and you really belong in my world because I can't even type you or your brother--"

"Oh, my God, that is so pathetic. Okay, fine, let me do you a favour--if I am in your fanfic, will you leave me alone? Will you stop looking into my memories and stop sounding like an idiot?"

"Um, okay . . . How?"

"'Cause you're going to make me say something I would never say," Anne said with a smirk. Raven nodded. "I hate Lily Evans 'cause she's like a total airhead bitch!"

Raven furrowed her eyebrows. "You're right, you would never say--oh my God, but I didn't write that! You're just fucking with me! Look, I know you're from my world, and I'm gonna get you back here!"

"Why do you care so much?" Anne asked with a sigh, folding her arms across her chest.

"Because . . . I . . . look, because my cousin, Justin, he has a crush on you!"

"Well whoop-dee-fucking-doo! I don't know what you're playing at, but just leave me alone, okay? You ever go into my head again, and I'll fucking kill you. I will use avada kedavra on you in a split fucking second!"

"You wouldn't!"

"Oh, wouldn't I? You just told me you're not real, so why the hell should I care?"

"But--"

"Okay, you know what this is? You--Raven--are from another world. You told us this a thousand fucking times, that you're from another world where this is a book series, and you'er feeling lonely and so you're trying to make it sound like I'm from your world so you have ties to it, because you really, subconciously miss your world, but you don't want to really go back because your dad rapes you every fucking day but it hasn't affected you--"

"If you were raped too, then how come you got mad at me in the carriage that one time and tried to punch me?"

Anne stopped talking, and glared at Raven. "You . . . You fucking bitch. Because you were just--just saying that anyone affected by it was a--was a cry baby, like rape victims have no right feeling horrible about what happened! You were--were you really raped?"

Raven stood there for a moment, then sighed. "Me, or Raven?"

"You know what I mean, bitch, answer the fucking question."

"No. I just didn't want Raven's first time to hurt, 'cause people tell me it hurts. Are you telling me that I can't write a rape victim into my story?"

Anne sighed. "No, that's not what I'm saying, I'm just saying that even after it happens, people are still affected by it--nobody who's been raped just flounces about with no fucking problems and brags about it. Now, I want you to be honest--it's possible that you have been raped and you're just trying to get it out to the world, get it off your chest because you're afraid to tell someone, and then you're doing the whole 'I don't care' thing because you don't want to admit you have any real problems from it. So answer my question: is that what you're doing, or are you really just making her raped so it won't hurt her first real time?"

"I've never been raped. But . . . But you said people have problems with it! Maybe I can have Raven start to have problems with it, and then it'll be realistic! What sort of problems do you have?"

"That's none of your fucking business, Raven," she snapped. "And this isn't a fanfic, this is reality, so stop talking to me like that! It's really fucking confusing and--and it didn't even really happen anyway!"

"Yes-huh, because I saw your memories, and they were--"

"No you didn't, they weren't real!" Anne shouted.

"Yes-huh!"

"No they weren't!"

"So you made it up, then? How can you make up fake memories unless you're good at Occlumency too? Are you good at Occlumency and Legilimency?"

"No, I'm not! It still wasn't real! What--what happened was--was--look, just forget you fucking saw anything, okay? You--you just--shut up!" Anne shrieked. "Shut up! I don't want to talk to you, I don't like you, and this--this--this whatever conversation is fucking stupid and we're not having it again, okay? Go fucking jump off the Astronomy Tower!"

"No, you can't do that, I know those memories, I saw them from your head, I was looking for proof that you were from my world, and I saw it, because I'm perfect at Legilimency--"

"As well as everything else, and you're beautiful, too. Big fucking surprise," Anne growled.

Raven stopped for a moment and furrowed her eyebrows. "You know, maybe I did write a Mary Sue . . ."

"No, because this is not a fanfic. You just think you're fucking perfect, but you're really not. See, you think you're great at Potions? You're not. Snape just secretly points his wand at you and uses imperio to make you use the right ingredients. He doesn't want a fucking idiot for a daughter--because we all know you're his daughter. And all that really powerful, dark magic that emanates from you? Bullocks. It's just because you're highly emotional and you haven't learned to control your manifestation yet--sorta like a little kid, huh? You haven't progressed. Not to mention, guess what? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder--you're just really fucking conceited and _think _that everyone's staring at you with lust and want, but really, you're just imagining it. I personally think you're fucking hideous, and guess what? So does my brother. And he fucks Bellatrix Lestrange, so he really knows what beautiful women look like. Oh, and just so you know, someone who tries legilimency, but who does not have practice, will sometimes _make _memories, and see them, and put them in the other person head, because instead of searching for something that's already there, they make shit up without realizing it, because that's what they want to see, or because that's what they're afraid of seeing. So really, you just made that up."

"Then why did you get so mad, huh?"

"Because you were trying to see my memories! It's the intent that fucking pissed me off, and those memories that you were looking for, the ones you made up, especially that last one, was very personal, and the fact you were looking for such personal shit pisses me off!"

Raven scratched the back of her head, which was tilted to the side. "Huh . . . maybe this really isn't what I think . . . maybe . . . Maybe Raven is a Mary Sue, and you're a real character, and I really did just see what I want, 'cause maybe you guys are trying to make her not a Mary Sue 'cause they don't exist in real life . . . Or maybe you just forgot our world . . ."

"Those memories are not real," Anne stated again, glaring at her enemy.

"Yeah, maybe I just heard your guys' names on the TV or somethin' and put you in here . . ."

"Uh, yeah, whatever, 'cause you're not really an author, and even if you were, how would this happen anyway?"

"But the wand--"

"Raven, look, I know you're not an author, I know you're just being fucking stupid so there is no wand and no computer but even if there were, and it did move shit, maybe it's because you took some drugs or something."

Raven blinked a few times, then shook her head. "Yeah . . . okay . . . um, I'll see ya later, Anne." She then sauntered off looking confused.

Anne let out a sigh and shook her head, hardly daring to believe she pulled that off. Then again, Suethors always put random, confusing shit into their fanfics that made even less sense than what she'd just said, so, in a way, it did make sense.

She walked into the common room and saw Kurt and Draco talking, very animatedly, hands flying, miming gruesome deaths while they laughed. Until Kurt saw her walk in without Raven, and his merry face fell into worry. He quickly walked over to her and grabbed her arm, glaring down at her. "Anne, please tell me you didn't--"

"No, we just argued, but the bitch deserved it. She saw some of my, er, memories."

"Even when you were . . ." he trailed off, too uncomfortable to finish the sentence.

She nodded slowly, knowing what he was going to say. "Yeah. But, don't worry, I already convinced her that she's wrong. She was going to try and take us home, but I convinced her that we weren't from her world, so it's okay."

"What the fuck, Anne? You had a chance to get us home and you fuckin' threw it away?" he snapped, giving her a little shake.

She jerked out of his grasp, staring up at him, her face up in a snarl. "Dammit, Kurt, you know we can't go back until everything is back to normal! Everyone's wearing robes again, but there's still OoC-ness, and people fucking things up, and until we get things back to normal, or at least everyone back in character, we can't go home, or she'll just ruin it again!"

"So, what, you wanna make it so Snape's fuckin' dead again 'cause she told me that he died and everything is exactly like it was in the last book? How the fuck is that possible? Or what? Shit, Anne, I wanna go home!"

"We will, well . . . I mean, you will, maybe I won't . . ." she mumbled, remembering what Snape had said earlier.

He looked at her, shocked, like she had smacked him across the face. "What do you mean?"

"Well, Snape, he sorta . . . I mean, it's possible we can just get everyone back to their normal selves, maybe not the situations canon, I don't know . . . And Snape said, well, he more like hinted he didn't want me to go, I don't know, we didn't really get to talk about it 'cause Raven burst in, so . . ."

Kurt furrowed his eyebrows and seemed to be lost in thought. Anne wondered if he was going to get emotional, which was something her rarely did. Then he shrugged, letting out a scoff. "Well, whatever, I don't give a shit. Draco's cool. Just as long as we get everyone back to normal before we kill her. I don't care if you kill her Anne, just as long as it's after everything is, well, normal. Wherever you go, I go. It's up to you. I don't have any real opinions, so . . ."

Anne sighed and watched her return to Draco and watched them joke around and have fun.

She thought about her life back at home, and wondered if perhaps staying here wouldn't be so bad. Was there really anything worth going back for, with the exception of her gay best friend? Maybe she could somehow get him here, too . . .

Undecided, she went to the girls' dormitory, figuring she could think on it later.

* * *

"Master, where's my wand?" Bellatrix asked while Voldemort continued to thrust inside of her, massaging her breasts.

"Why?" Lucius asked, while he continued to have sex with Voldemort from behind.

"I just had an interesting thought, but I can't remember where I put it . . ."

Voldemort shrugged while spilled his seed into his most loyal servant, grunting his orgasm while she clutched onto his shoulders and screamed out her rapture. He collapsed on her side and Lucius pulled out of his master, pumping his own cock in his fist.

Voldemort whipped out a cigarette and lit it up, one hand behind his head while he smoked with the other. Bellatrix put her head on her master's chest, uncaring when Lucius shot his semen all over both of them, then lied beside Voldemort and rolled up a fatty.

"When was the last time you remember using it?" Voldemort asked curiously.

"I don't know."

"You do realize that what just happened between us is entirely out of character, right?" Voldemort informed to them, as if they truly cared.

"My lord . . . is everything all right?" Lucius asked while he puffed his joint and blew the smoke into Bellatrix's mouth, who breathed it into her lungs before bowing it out into the air and giggling. He apparently didn't understand what his master was saying.

Voldemort sighed. "I suppose we all can't be gifted like me. Oh well. Pass the joint, Lucius."

Lucius handed him the blunt, and he took a long drag, then began coughing, his throat raspy.

"Don't be such a bitch, Voldie," Bellatrix said, then took it from him.

Voldemort tossed his half-smoked cigarette into the air and covered his mouth while he continued to cough. Lucius and Bellatrix laughed.

When Voldemort's little coughing fit ended, he lied back on the ground, Bellatrix curling up against him while she handed Lucius the blunt from across her master's chest. Lucius took a drag and also curled up to Voldemort, nuzzling his ear, and licking his lobe.

"Well, I suppose fucking can pass the time until we all go back into character, well, with the exception of being dead. Anne and Kurt will be a wonderful help, giving us a second chance and all," Voldemort aired to his followers wit ha sleepy sigh. "I suppose we should get ready for tomorrow," he said with a shrug.

"Why? What are we doing tomorrow night, master?"

"The same thing we do every night, Bella--try and take over the world!"

* * *

A/N--Today is January 9th. Therefore, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEVERUS SNAPE!!!!! Hope you have a wonderful 47th b-day up there in heaven. See ya when I get there, homie. Except, you're not real. So, therefore, I can pretend you're alive. Yee-uh.

And yes, that was a Pinky and the Brain reference. Lovely.


	16. Family Matters

Chapter 16: Family Matters

**eyesuhkatspeleeng: I didn't mean to confuse u but apparently I did but n e way I wasn't writing for u I was writing cuz of something personal and if I told u y I wrote wat I did then u would think I was crazy n e way guess what my cousin lives next door to Ashes Falling weird huh small world I am staying with him until january and he lives in england but it's sad. N e way wat happened with raven tryin to be me had nothing to do with the plot but I had to update it cuz well maybe she was just trying to get out of seeing anne's memories. But I was a bit confused at the whole speech thing anne gave that proved she wasn't a mary sue and no I did not just throw that in to prove she wasn't a mary sue that just came out of nowhere. I did not plan that.**

**To you other reviewers who said at least now I am starting to show something that resembles a plot: have u even read my story at all or r u retarded? My story has had a plot the whole time! Also, yeah, I gave up, and told you raven really is snape's daughter whoop-dee-doo so u all figured it out go fucking congratulate yourself all right there is more to this story than just that.**

Chapter 16: Daddy

Raven was walking through Hogwarts trying to piece together what had happened. Maybe she was just longing for some ties to her old world. Raven had lived there her whole life and so it made sense she would feel a little nostalgic. At least in her old world there hadn't been Voldemort and the war and stuff. Well there was a war but not like the kind in this world with magic, just bombs and stuff, and she wasn't really involved in the war back home but still it was a bit scary now that she was in a war.

But what really upset her was that Anne pointed out some stuff to her that wasn't very cool. Of course, Raven had been lying about the whole author thing--she was just trying to get Anne to admit she was from her world 'cause she missed her old world a bit and yeah the whole thing out of her mouth had been a lie. She was mainly trying to justify her curiosity into Anne's mind. What bothered her the most though was some of the stuff Anne had told her.

Did Snape really use the imperius curse on her so she would do well in potions? She had though it strange that she was so good at potions and knew everything but she had just assumed it was a genetic trait. She had known for awhile who her father was, she just didn't' want to tell anyone 'cause she couldn't find the right time to tell everybody, but she figured since everybody knew it was okay for her to admit she'd known all along. But did Snape really do that? It made her feel sad.

And was she really ugly? Nobody had ever called her ugly before because she was beautiful. But maybe she was a bit conceited. Maybe she was just imagining all the stares. After all, Draco had seemed to despise her since their first kiss and for some stupid dumb shit reason he was still dating Pansy.

As for her extreme power. She remembered reading in the books that power manifested itself when kids were young during highly emotional times. She did admit she could be a bit overemotional sometimes, and she hadn't gone to school for a long time, so maybe that explained why she always had so much power.

As for that thing Anne said about Occlumency, maybe she had somehow projected the thoughts she wanted to see into Anne's head 'cause that's what she had been looking for so maybe it was all fake. Since she was a natural at Occlumency and Legilimency she had figured she wouldn't need to practice. She hadn't needed to practice her animagi abilities, and she could turn into a black cat easily. But maybe Occlumency and Legilimency took different training or something.

But she had also lied to Anne about being raped. Her dad raped her constantly, like, every day. It was sad. So maybe that explained why she was a bit of an attention-seeker (A/N--someone in one of my reviews called Raven an attention seeker. So maybe she is. Also, I was originally gonna make her a parselmouth, but I have changed my mind, so will not be a parselmouth although I really wanted her to be.) Maybe that was why she gave up her cherry (figuratively speaking) with Sirius in front of everybody--'cause she was raped a lot and that was the only way she knew how to express her love of someone. (A/N--I read on the internet sometimes people who have been raped either become sexually oppressive or expressive. I'm trying to give her more problems, 'cause I realized that Raven was refusing to see that she indeed had problems.) She was also a bit childish, too. (A/N--someone todl me that she acted more like a twelve year old than a sixteen-year-old well I am twelve so I'm sorry but n e way this is why she acts childish 'cause I also read that sometimes when girls are raped they act young 'cause something bad happened to them when they were young and so they have a hard time maturing I am really trying to make this better people really I am I don't' want to lose the few reviewers I have.)

Anyway, but she felt really bad about having sex with Sirius on the table, because now she felt like a slut. Her dad had always called her a slut, and she wanted to prove him wrong. It felt like she was dirty on the inside. She had wanted to wait for Harry or Draco, but when neither of them were ready she felt like she had to do it with someone and so she did but now she regretted it. It still hurt down there, a bit achy and crampy, even though she'd had sex before with her dad.

Her dad was attractive. He looked like Emilio Estevez in Young Guns because his grandpa was Billy the Kid. Raven was the first girl to be born on her father's side, although technically she wasn't his daughter. Still, though, even though he was hot and not her real dad, she still felt gross 'cause it was rape and she didn't want to do it. Maybe she had made that rape memory for Anne up because she wanted someone to talk to about it.

Anyway, she really wished Lucretia was still alive, because she knew Lucretia would be able to help her, give some sort of motherly advice. Lucretia knew what it was like to have a bad father, 'cause hers was Voldemort. She liked Lucretia. She thought it was cool she was a parselmouth and a motherly type of person. But now she had no one to talk to about it.

Oh, but she did!

It suddenly hit her who she could talk to about her problems; about how she was raped and stuff.

Her dad! Her real dad.

She took off down the dungeons and found herself back at the Potions classroom where she had been a few minutes ago. She walked into the Potions room.

"Is knocking a prohibited practice in your old world? If so, learn to use it," Snape snapped at her, his black eyes glaring at her and his shoulder-length black greasy hair swinging a bit when he looked up quickly, a scowl on his ugly face. (A/N--I made Snape 'ugly' again for u guys 'cause u guys were all pissy when he was hot 4 sum reason.)

Raven tucked her black hair behind her ear. Maybe she wasn't super-attractive after all. Snape was her dad. (A/N--but she was, she just has low self-esteem because of what Anne said she is really hot still.)

"Er, did I come at a bad time?"

"Miss Prince," he spat, the snarl in his tone almost like saying her name made him sick or something. "I do not want you in this classroom unless it is during class, or I tell you otherwise."

"How come?"

"Must you really ask? I cannot be around you for longer than a minute without--" He cut himself off, as if what he'd been about to say was inappropriate or dangerous or something. "Get out," he ordered icily. (A/N--weird, it's like I have no control over what he is saying. This happens sometimes.)

"But I'm your daughter!" she exclaimed.

"I refuse to refer to you as such."

"What? But--but--but I'm your daughter! You have some obligation to me!"

"I have no obligation towards you whatsoever you insolent, vile--"

"You must care for me a little 'cause you imperio me to do well in your class!" she shouted triumphantly.

"Who told you this?" he demanded angrily.

"Anne did, just outside, 'cause I thought those memories were real but I made 'em up on accident--'cause you know how if you don't practice you can make stuff up? Anne told me that you imperio me to do well in your class!"

Snape stared at her for a long moment, probably feeling paternal.

"Are you mad at me, Dad?" she asked timidly, pouting slightly.

"Do--not--call--me--that!" he spat. "And I am furious!" he shouted, standing up from his desk and striding towards her. Raven was not intimidated, though, because she was never intimidated. He grabbed her upper arm tightly and shook her the tiniest bit. "Absolutely furious! You have no right striding in here and rifling through Anne's memories! Now get out of my classroom!"

"Why do you care?"

He was in the process of opening the classroom door with the hand not closed around her arm when she asked that. He stopped.

"It's just a marriage law," she pointed out, scowling at the thought her father might actually want to marry someone she absolutely hated. "It's not like you actually like her."

He glared at her and opened his mouth to say something. "Get out," he ordered, then threw her out of the classroom, slamming the door shut behind her.

Raven stared at the shut door and realized that it was possible Snape would want to marry that stupid bitch Anne and then Kurt would be her uncle and Anne would be her stepmother. What on earth would he want with her? It wasn't like they had gone on any dates and it wasn't like they had had any time together, so what the hell was that all about? She couldn't' have a stepmother only a few years older than she was! It was fucking stupid! And why was her dad being so mean to her?

Raven burst into tears.

* * *

Anne was sitting in the girls' dormitory, thinking over what Snape had said to her earlier. What did he mean by that? _I suppose._ Did he want her to go? Did he want to marry her? It wasn't like they'd spent much time together. Then again, it wasn't like he'd had many girls staring at him like she did, either. And he'd been dead, it had been over, and he'd been brought back acting like . . . Well, not like himself. So maybe he didn't love Anne. But maybe he . . . liked her?

For someone who had spent hours talking about Severus Snape and writing fanfics about him, she was certainly confused by him. They'd kissed once. Not only that, but Anne had never really considered if they would actually get along, romantically. She'd never thought about what it would be like, her and Snape, together. Could she even go through with it? Was she ready?

Things were too confusing, and she didn't want to worry about it at the moment. Anne didn't like to worry, and so if anything confused her, and worried her, or stressed her out, she would simply not think about it. She didn't like to get stressed out. She would handle the problems thrown in her way, but if she couldn't deal with it, she just didn't think about it. She'd procrastinate the problem in her head until she had to deal with it.

So she got up and left the girls' dormitory, going over and joining her brother and Draco.

"Feeling less like a bitch, then?" Kurt asked.

"I don't see why you're so mad at her for using the Cruciatus. Honestly, you're being a bit naïve, Kurt. It wasn't like she was killing her, and to be honest, Raven deserved it. I hate her. Besides, they're not so much 'unforgivable' as 'frowned upon' if you know what I mean. That's the sort of thinking that gets you in the Inner Circle. My dad tells me that all the time. Aunt Bella tells me you two are working for him?"

"Er . . . Yeah," Anne mumbled uncomfortably.

The portrait opened and Sirius strode in, wearing a purple tux, red circle sunglasses, and a top hat with an orange feather boa. He suddenly had a cane, and strutted. Five scantily clad girls--some as young as twelve--followed him, tossing galleons at him, which he caught deftly with a gloved hand. Pansy was draped on him, playing with the gold chains around his neck that hung down his chest.

"I hate him," Draco muttered. "Stealing my girl from me . . . _my_ girl . . ."

"Is Sirius a pimp now?" Anne asked in puzzlement.

"What do you mean? He's always been a pimp. You didn't know?" Draco said, still shooting death glares at him.

Anne just frowned slightly, then shrugged.

The portrait opened again, and Bellatrix walked in, followed by a crying Raven. Bellatrix tossed her black hair over her shoulder and pointed her thumb over her shoulder at Raven, sneering. "Oi, cousin!" Sirius turned. He lifted his gloved hand and used his index finger to lower his sunglasses for a moment, peering at Raven, who was now milling towards the couch by the fireplace, sobbing. "I think you went a bit hard on her or something. I found her sobbing in the dungeons. You fucked her, didn't you?"

"Just the once," he admitted.

"Well then maybe Snape fucked her. Who cares? Take care of the snivelling brat."

"Bella's back. Guess that's my cue," Kurt said with a wink in his sister's direction. He stood up and sauntered over to her, his chin tilted upwards slightly, a small smile on his face.

"God it creeps me out he's shagging my aunt. Still, it'll be cool to have your brother as an uncle. He's my best friend, you know."

"What about Crabbe and Goyle?"

"Who the fuck are they?" Draco asked with his brows furrowed.

Anne looked around the common room to point them out to Draco, but they were nowhere to be seen. "Uh, never mind," she muttered.

"Well, at least your brother has good taste, going with purebloods, instead of mudbloods. I'm glad you two aren't like those blood traitor Weasleys."

Anne cleared her throat. Little did he know that he'd had sex with a mudblood at some point although it seemed to have never happened. "Yeah, well, you have a good looking family. Your mum is hot, your aunts are hot--Tonks, your cousin, she's hot too. In fact, my brother has a huge crush on her. Oh, and Sirius . . . Well, he's really hot."

Draco smirked. "I'm hot too. I love having good genes. You wanna know the secret?" She nodded and Draco leaned forward, looking around the room to make sure no one could hear them. "No incest. Lotta pureblood families marry their close cousins or brothers. The Malfoy family and the Black family are vehemently against incest." He nodded as if he'd just revealed to her the secret of the universe.

Anne nodded a few times, looking impressed.

Kurt was holding Bellatrix's hand and he led her over to them. "Hey, guys, have you seen my wand? I've lost it . . . I hope I didn't leave it at your house," she added to Anne with a small sneer.

"Oh, shit, I think you did," Anne muttered, remembering what Raven/the author had been saying about finding a wand. "The, uh, you know the girl who's responsible for why you needed to get us?" Anne said, looking into Bellatrix's eyes. Draco scratched the back of his head, confused. Bellatrix nodded while Kurt draped his arm over her shoulder. "Well, she snuck into our house--she was gonna steal my Slytherin necklace, stupid bitch, but I guess she couldn't find it--anyway, she said she found a wand . . ."

"That sucks," Kurt mumbled.

Bellatrix slapped her forehead. "I've gotta get it back. We'll have to talk to our master and he'll send us there."

Sirius walked over to them and smirked at them, ignoring the chattering girls behind him, and Pansy nibbling on his ear. "Hey, Anne--you wanna come work for me? It's a load of fun, and you get to fuck me at least once a week. And I only charge ten percent of your earnings." He waggled his eyebrows at her.

Anne furrowed her eyebrows. "Er, no thank you . . ." She turned to her brother and smiled weakly. "I've gotta finish my little discussion with my fiancée, so . . . I'll see you all later . . ."

"Hmm, Bella and I need to have a little discussion too, as it happens . . ." Kurt informed, then they both walked off together, whispering into each other's ear.

Anne left the common room, glaring at Raven, who was still sobbing on the couch, on her way out.

She walked through the dungeons, still thinking on what Snape had said. If only Raven hadn't interrupted their conversation . . . Well, she was going to discuss this now. She didn't want to be plagued by these thoughts for too long. She hated being stressed out. She was done procrastinating the thoughts.

She knocked on his office door and rocked on her heels for a moment.

Snape jerked the door open, a scowl on his features. "I've told you, Miss Prince, I don't--" He realized that it was Anne in front of him when she jumped, startled, at his sudden appearance, and at his loud voice. He looked her over, then blinked a few times. "Anne."

"You . . . You look like yourself again," she pointed out with a wide smile on her face.

He frowned. "Do I?" He reached up and felt his hair, then sneered. "That's unfortunate."

"You're such a geek, Snape--um, Severus. I like you like that."

His infamous eyebrow raised. "Indeed." He opened the door wider and indicated for her to come in. She followed him and shut the door behind her. He stood in front of her, arms across his chest, looking at her leaning against the door. She smiled at him, looking over his narrow, thin body, and his long, hook nose, and his greasy hair, and thin lip. He was ugly again.

She loved it.

"Did you need to speak to me about something, or did you just long to gaze at me?"

She cleared her throat and stopped leaning against the door, tearing her eyes from his face. "Sorry, er . . . I just wanted to finish our conversation. You know, the one we were having before Raven decided to be a bitch and see my memories."

"Why did you tell her I imperio her in my class to do well? And she mentioned something about seeing false memories when one doesn't practice. That is absolutely absurd."

Anne let out a sigh, then told Snape what had happened when Raven became the author. It was just as confusing to tell as it was to actually live it. In fact, it was probably more confusing. However, Snape listened attentively, his index finger outlining his bottom lip in concentration. Seeing him touch his mouth made Anne want to grab him and kiss him without preamble, but she was a chicken, so she didn't.

"I hope she didn't post that on the internet," Anne added with her brows furrowed. "'Cause if she did, she's fucking stupid. Well, more so than I thought."

"I wouldn't put it past her, Anne. She must be thick-headed--she believed what you told her after all."

"If you read some of the other wonderful, deep, intricate plots other Suethors write, you would've thought it made perfect sense."

"Thankfully, I have not. Now, onto your purpose of being here--you wanted to continue our conversation?"

Anne cleared her throat and shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I mean . . . okay, do you want me to stay here? Even if we fix this into a more in-character world? 'Cause I will."

He furrowed his eyebrows. "I . . . am not certain as to what I want. I do enjoy your company, seeing as you don't despise me."

"Well . . . I would stay for you."

The corner of his mouth lifted. "The fact you would makes me . . . Want you to. However, you must make your own decision."

Anne opened her mouth, then let out a sigh. "I'm not sure what I want."

"Nor I."

"I do love you, though, so you can see why staying here is so tempting."

"I hardly see how I can be tempting, but if you say so."

Anne scoffed and rolled her eyes. "You're very alluring."

"And you prefer me like this over the me who is marginally more attractive and who dances amazingly?"

"Most definitely. Looks don't matter anyway, and I don't care if you're a shitty dancer."

He took a step closer and raised his eyebrow again, staring down at her. He was at least a full head taller than her. She actually just went to his Adam's apple. "In case you haven't realized, Anne, but I'm not the most amiable man to grace the earth. And," he tucked a strand of her curly, dirty blonde hair behind her ear, "I never said I was a horrible dancer. I merely said the other me danced far better."

"Oh, so you can dance?"

"Nothing spectacular. No waltzes, no tangos . . ."

"You'll have to show me sometimes," she informed with a little smirk.

He tilted his head and brushed some lint off of her shoulder before smirking at her. "No time like the present."

_**Looking back**_

_**On the memory of**_

"What the fuck?" Anne asked, looking up at the ceiling.

Snape sighed. "I think we're supposed to dance to this," he muttered, scowling. "I wish I hadn't opened my damn mouth."

_**The dance we shared**_

_**Under the stars above**_

She rolled her eyes. "Is she fucking serious? Garth Brooks? Dancing to Garth Brooks in _Hogwarts?_ Couldn't she have thought of something better than a song called _The Dance?"_

_**For a moment**_

_**All the world was right**_

Snape scowled. "Perhaps we shall dance another time?"

"Yeah, I mean, this was a bit of a mood killer. Random music filling the air and all."

_**How could I have known**_

_**We'd ever say goodbye?**_

Anne turned to leave, but Snape suddenly grabbed her hand and pulled her back to him, and pulled her into a dance. He had a very dazed look on his face, a very vacant expression, as if he were sleepwalking, and Anne sighed, going along with it, while he moved across the floor, dancing expertly.

Honestly, Anne thought that shuffling would have been more appropriate.

_**And I**_

_**I'm glad I didn't know**_

_**The way it all would end**_

_**The way it all would go**_

Anne sighed and let Snape dance with her as he pleased. If she ever did go back to her world, she was going to flame the shit out of the damn fanfic she was in. And Anne hated flamers.

_**Our lives**_

_**Are better left to chance**_

_**I could have missed the pain**_

_**But I would have to miss**_

_**The Dance**_

He spun her out, then spun her against so that her back was pressed against her chest, and he wrapped his arms around her and rocked, humming the song's tune.

_**I am so**_

_**Goddamn lazy I**_

_**Ain't looking up**_

_**Lyrics; I'd rather die**_

_**Tra-la-la-la**_

_**Let's hum along**_

_**Hum-dee-da-da**_

_**Goddammit where's my bong?**_

Snape suddenly stopped moving, and stepped away from her. Anne slowly turned around and saw his utter look of confusion.

_**And I**_

_**I'm glad my cousin is**_

_**A fucking dumbass bitch**_

_**And left her account on**_

'_**Cause I'm**_

_**Writing on her shit**_

_**She's canon-raped you all**_

_**And I really fucking hate**_

_**This Song**_

Anne furrowed her eyebrows. Snape stared at her with confusion. "Er, let's take a rain check, shall we?"

"Yes, let's," he murmured.

* * *

A/N--I happen to like Garth Brooks.

Sirius being a pimp does not belong to me, but to eyesuhkatspeleeng.


	17. Tragedy and Comedy

Chapter 17: Tragedy and Comedy

Anne walked into the common room to find Raven still crying. She hoped to God Raven wouldn't see her, but, alas, she did. Raven stood up and wiped away the tears on her face as she walked over to her future stepmother. "Anne, can I talk to you for a minute?" she asked through her somehow-cute sobs.

She let out a long sigh. She was having a long day--one she wanted to end. "Er . . . Can't you talk to someone else? I'm not in the mood to have you rummaging through my head--or trying to rummage through my head--and, you know, I think at this point in time it's a bit obvious I don't really like you, and you don't really like me."

"I promise I won't be bitchy."

Anne stood there for a second. She looked so pathetic, standing in front of her, her black eyes watery and tears streaming down her face, her long, beautiful black hair somehow flowing majestically. She wore a tight, black t-shirt with baggy black pants with lime-green threading. Did this author understand that she had truly created a horrible abomination that was fucking up the universe? Couldn't' she just make it so Raven never existed somehow? Or delete the damn story? Anne didn't want to be stuck in a universe where Garth Brooks suddenly started singing during slightly romantic moments between her and someone she'd dreamt about for years.

"Where's Kurt?" Anne asked, going to move past her.

"Um, he's doing it with Bellatrix at the moment. I think Sirius is a bit jealous."

"Draco just told me that both sides of his family are against incest," Anne pointed out.

"Well, uh . . . I guess he doesn't know about it." Anne sighed, then went to move past her again. "Snape loves you, I think," Raven said suddenly.

Anne stopped moving, then turned to face her enemy, brushing her messy, dirty blonde hair from her eyes. "What did you say?"

"I said, I think Snape loves you. He got mad at me for going through your head. Or attempting to go through your head, anyway."

"That doesn't mean anything," Anne said, feeling suddenly awkward, and like the whole damn world could hear what they were saying.

Raven sighed. "Well, maybe not yet, but I think he could eventually learn to love you. I know he's always gonna love Lily, but come on, it's not like people haven't remarried after a spouse dies or whatever! He could love you, like, _almost_ as much as he loves Lily. She's dead, Anne. It's not like they're gonna ever get together. Maybe the whole Marriage Law thing isn't so bad."

Anne shifted uncomfortably. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Trust me, Anne, I wouldn't have told you unless I really thought it was true. It's not like I want it to happen, duh. I mean, you're basically gonna be my stepmother soon, and then I'm gonna have a half-sibling or whatever eventually 'cause of the law, and I really don't wanna hear you two fucking like rabbits or whatever. It's not like I'm _trying_ to get you two together. Remember? I hate you."

"Like I could forget. Look, I'm sorry about the damn law, okay? It's not like I wanna get married and have the ministry make sure I have sex and have a baby. I'm only nine--twenty, for fuck's sake. But I am gonna be your . . . mother. I'm not that fucking happy about that bit, either."

Raven sighed and looked away from her for a second. "Neither is Snape. I went to talk to him, and he said that he . . . He wanted nothing to do with me, and he didn't' regard me as a daughter. He's my dad! He has some obligation to me!" She burst into tears quite suddenly again, having stopped for a few seconds to talk to Anne.

Anne stood there uncomfortably, unsure of what to do. Snape was a bit of a dick to her, if he had really said that. She didn't doubt he'd said it, though. Then again, she could really see from his point of view. "Well, why do you think he said that?"

"Do you know what it's like to have your dad say that, Anne? Do you have any idea what's that's like, when you're living in your perfect fucking life? Huh? No, so shut up! You don't fucking know!"

"Yes, I do. I also know what it's like to watch my mum get the hell beat out of her, and my dad to come home drunk, and for him to call me a filthy whore. You don't know the first fucking thing about my life, so if I were you, I'd shut up."

Raven stopped sobbing and looked at Anne with shining eyes and she wiped away her tears. Somehow, she managed to have a perfect face even after she sobbed hysterically. She looked beautiful. "That's so sad!"

"Tha'ts life. I'm not going to pretend I have the worst dad ever, because I don't. He's a dick, yeah, and he won't buy us food or clothes, but who cares? He's never hit me or my brother or my sister."

"You have a sister?"

"She doesn't live here. Look, I know it sucks, but I don't have the worst dad, so let's just skip ahead, shall we? Now, why do you think Snape--Severus said that?"

Raven shrugged. "Because . . . I was mean to you?"

"I think its' a bit more than that, don't you think? Imagine not having a daughter, then having this totally conceited bitch who thinks she's all fucking powerful show up and fuck up everything around her. You're more like James than Snape--bullying us 'cause we don't' agree with you, big head--"

"I am not like James!"

"Yeah? Then fucking grow a personality and stop acting like a goddamn child. Maybe then Snape wouldn't be such a dick to you. Or maybe you shouldn't burst into his classroom and mind-rape his fiancée. Whichever."

"I'm sorry your dad's a dick," Raven mumbled, reaching forward and putting her hand on Anne's shoulder. "Maybe that's why you're a bit of a bitch."

Anne pulled her shoulder out from underneath Raven's hand and glared at her. "And I'm sorry your dad raped you."

"Well, it was okay I guess, guess he was pretty hot. He looked like Billy the Kid."

Anne blinked, staring at Raven incredulously. "First of all, whether or not your dad was hot isn't the fucking issue, and second of all, have you _seen_ Billy the Kid? He doesn't really seem like the type of guy you'd find attractive."

"Yeah, I've seen _Young Guns."_

Anne let out a long sigh, then smiled painfully. "Okay. Maybe you should look at a real picture of him and decide then. Unless your dad is related to Emilio Estevez, that movie is pretty much irrelevant." She nodded once at her future stepdaughter--a thought which made her shiver--and walked away.

"Hey, Anne, wait," Raven called, running up to her.

Anne turned to regard her, her lips pursed. "What?"

"Maybe . . . Maybe we should just get use to each other. I mean, considering . . . That we pretty much have no choice in the fact we're gonna be related by Christmas. I mean, maybe . . . You two should try, you know, falling in love. Since I brought it up and all. I noticed that . . . Well, maybe he can learn to love you. Maybe you should try . . . Falling for him. Try and get a normal relationship. That's what usually happens in Marriage Law fics, and it usually works. If you just try, maybe things will get better. You can't just jump into a marriage and expect it to work."

"Wow, you actually showed some intelligence there. I had absolutely no idea just jumping into a marriage wouldn't work," Anne drawled sarcastically. Raven just blinked. "Yeah, I know. But it's not as easy as it sounds. You try gathering up the courage to ask your dream guy on a date when you are so not even worthy of him."

"Maybe he'll ask you on a date?"

Anne furrowed her eyebrows in thought. "Maybe. Well, I'll just . . . deal with that later. It's been a long day, and we haven't even made it to dinner yet. Class just got out, like, an hour ago. I'm not in the mood for anything else fucked up."

Raven furrowed her perfectly shaped eyebrows (they were naturally shaped perfectly, of course, no plucking or waxing needed) in thought. Anne really didn't like it when Raven was lost in thought, so she quickly walked off before she could get roped into anything she wanted nothing to do with.

* * *

Severus was still correcting essays. They were all horribly written, of course, except for Hermione Granger's, which was four parchments too long (he remembered Hermione being an overachiever, but he wondered if it had always been as bad as that) Raven's (which was too perfect, and so he marked her score down a bit even though he found nothing wrong with it) and Anne's. Anne's had a lot of voice, and with the exception of one or two sentences, it was done rather well. Even though it was not perfect, it was damn good. He gave her a better score than Raven, even if he probably shouldn't have. Then again, Severus was known for picking favourites.

He was quite frustrated with his life as of late. It was quite annoying to have no control over his emotions and actions--it was like being stuck in a hypnotic state, or like he was stuck in a horrible dream in which he professed undying love to the dead Lucretia, yet said he loved Anne, and despised the one woman he really did love, Lily. It was quite annoying to have Dumbledore change personalities as well, and for those around him to act in ways he remembered they would never act. All because of his daughter. His daughter! Severus hoped that if he ever had children in reality, they would not be as pathetic and annoying as her. She was not his daughter, for she didn't really exist--this was all some horrid fanfic she was publishing on a site for God knows who to read. He wondered how many brain cells people had lost reading it.

After a few minutes of glorious peace, Severus thinking over the highly interesting day he'd had so far, he heard a few knocks on his door. He wondered if it was Anne. Actually, he hoped it was Anne. He wondered why he hoped so much, seeing as he barely knew he. Perhaps it was because he enjoyed knowing she wanted him and loved him. In fact, he was sure that's what it was. Besides, she wasn't that bad to be around.

"Enter," he said, feeling that slightly dizzy feeling he associated with going out of character, and he knew who it was a second before she stepped in. He tried to keep his mind intact, holding onto his personality, just like holding onto a dream before fully waking up.

"Um, hey," Raven mumbled, shifting awkwardly and wringing her hands together, her eerily ethereal beauty making him want to vomit.

He scowled and began shifting through his papers to see how many he had corrected. "I thoguth I told you to leave this classroom, Miss Prince?" He was not happy she had return not a few minutes after she had left the first time.

"Um, yeah, I know, Da--um, Professor Snape." He glanced up at her. Why was she so nervous? And why did he want to go over to her and pull her into a hug?

"What did you want, my darling child?" he said sweetly.

"Um . . . Well, if you're not . . . Would you really call me your darling child? Seems a bit much."

Severus smiled paternally at her. "Of course! You are my only daughter, and I love you so very much! Perhaps you would like a biscu--" He stopped talking suddenly. What had she said? Had she just . . . Critiqued her own writing? He blinked a few times, feeling his dizziness ebb away. "What do you want, Miss Prince?" he asked again, feeling slightly disoriented.

"Well, I was just . . . I was just thinking, um . . . Well, you're going to marry Anne, right? And--And you seem to like her, even if I hate her fucking guts. But, um, I think I heard or read somewhere that putting a child into a loveless marriage is the worst thing anyone could do--um, actually, I think it was Anne who said that. And, um, well, I'd like to have parents who love each other--since I guess you guys will probably be my parents now--and I don't want my brother or sister to, you know, have parents who don't love each other. I mean, I know Anne loves you--God, she loves you like a fuckload--but . . . Well, do you really have a relationship? Maybe you should try to develop it. That's all I'm saying. Like, take her on a date."

Severus raised an eyebrow at her, and her tilted his head to the side a bit when he noticed that the beautiful glow that seemed to emanate from her disappeared slightly, so her skin was no longer the colour of the silver moonlight, but normal, pale skin. Her hair shortened to her shoulders and had less of a shine to it. She was still amazingly beautiful, as annoying as that was . . . Severus would have blamed it on his imagination, had he been the sort to be stupid enough to blame something that important on his imagination. He would have to talk to Anne about it later.

Oddly enough, what she had said had made sense--in fact, Severus had been pondering that same thing for awhile. "That's very noble of you."

She blanched and her cheeks flushed red slightly, as if he had somehow offended her. "I am not a stupid Gryffindork! That wasn't noble at all!" She let out a huff of air and folded her arms across her chest.

"You must admit hat was noble of you. Slytherins are known to have noble moments as well."

"Well, I'm not a Gryffindork."

"I don't believe there is a house at this school by that name," he responded icily.

"Fine, Gryffindor! I'm not a Gryffindor. Just because I like to sneak out and have fun and sneak into people's houses and maybe I'm a bit too curious for my own good sometimes but I am not a Gryffindor!" She was yelling up at the sky for some reason. Severus raised an eyebrow at her, then noticed that her perfectly slender figure plumped slightly. Only slightly, though. She was still a Mary Sue by epic proportions. She blinked a few times, then looked at Severus with a sigh. "Sorry, my cousin was yellign at me. He called me a Gryffindor!"

"Your cousin?" He looked around the room, as if to point out they were alone. "Are you . . . mentally stable?" he inquired.

She blinked a few times. "Oh, that was the author, not me, Raven. Sorry. I've, erm, gotta go. Later, Dad. I mean, Snape." She then left his room quickly, as if afraid he was going to yell at her or something.

Severus let out a sigh, and looked down at how many essays he had to correct. Knowing damn well just what was in store for him, he scribbled extremely low scores and a large, red T across each of them. If anybody asked, he would tell them he was acting out of character. Perhaps having that excuse could come in handy.

Just as he finished making a big, fat zero on Potter's essay (which he knew was crap) and circle the big T, he stacked his papers, and stood up from his desk, mind determined.

* * *

Anne sat on the couch in front of the fireplace with Draco beside her. "So, they're still at it, then?" Anne asked, noticing the slightly green shade of Draco's flesh.

He barely nodded. "Aunt Bella is a bit of a screamer. I suppose he's good with foreplay."

"Yeah, well, that's what girls like. I hear. I've never done any of that stuff."

Draco smirked at her. "Ya wanna?"

"Not with you," she said with a smirk of her own. Draco punched her arm playfully. She laughed a bit. "Well, at least she isn't screaming out Sirius's name. And at least Kurt isn't screaming out Tonks's name. That would be a bit of a catastrophe."

The portrait door opened and Snape strode in, eyes sweeping the common room until they settled on Anne on the couch. "Anne, may I speak with you?" he asked, standing by the portrait, arms across his chest.

She shrugged and got up off of the couch, giving a small wave of goodbye to Draco, and walked over to her head of house, her potions professor, and her fiancée. She'd never once thought that would be something to happen to her.

When she stood in front of him, he stared at her, his black eyes moving over her body openly, and she felt suddenly self conscious. Her hair was a mess (it always was) and her robes weren't very flattering. If he was going to stare at her like that, she'd wished she was wearing some makeup at least, or a tighter shirt that showed her cleavage or something. Perhaps she should start dressing up more and look her best. She wanted to be beautiful for him, after all.

After a few agonizing seconds in which she felt a little embarrassed, he pushed the portrait door open and started to leave. She stood there, perplexed. When he was out of the common room, he beckoned her with his finger, one eyebrow raised, and a small smile playing on his mouth.

And her heart thumped so hard in her chest she wondered if it would break through her rib cage, feeling slightly aroused, which confused her, seeing as it had been something quite simple.

She left the common room, shutting the portrait behind her, finding herself nervous but excited for some reason. When she turned back around to face Snape, he appraised her again, his arms still across his chest. She stared into his face, glad that he looked like himself again. She was gazing openly into his face, smiling widely, not sure why she felt so giddy.

"You are pleased with my appearance," he pointed out.

"Um . . . Yeah, I always have been. I like you when you're yourself."

"I meant the fact I'm here, Anne, not my looks."

"Oh . . ." She cleared her throat and shifted uncomfortably. "Well, I'm pleased with both. We both know I think you're fucking sexy, so . . ."

He stepped even closer, so that their toes were touching. He stared down at her through half-closed lids. Her heart was in her throat now, and she found it a bit hard to breath properly. "Yes, I think we are both definitely aware of that. I do notice the way you stare at me, Anne. I would have to be blind not to notice."

"Yeah, well, it's a bit hard _not_ looking. I mean, here you are, like, my fucking dream guy, and I'm gonna marry you soon, maybe, so . . ." she said, noticing he was somehow a bit closer, staring at her intense. Their closeness made her nervous. She babbled when she was nervous. She tried to force herself not to talk, but she couldn't help it. "I mean, if you wanna marry me, I could try and fix this before then. But, well, you can understand. And I guess the whole Marriage law thing sorta makes me feel a little ,well, dizzy, 'cause even if I love you I was not really expecting marriage so fucking soon--I mean, no complaints or anything, I would be glad to, you know, be with you and all--I guess the Law isn't the worst thing ever--I mean, the fic is shite, yeah, it certainly isn't _Care of Magical Creatures_ by mia madwyn, but--"

And words left her. She wasn't' talking anymore. For a second or so, she had no idea why she wasn't talking, why the words were forming in her head, but not leaving her mouth.

Then she realized with a jolt it was because Snape was kissing her.

For a few moments she didn't know what to do. His mouth pressed on her was awkward, seeing as she had been in the middle of talking when his lips crushed against hers, but after a moment of confused paralysis, she responded by reforming her mouth to fit his, and she slid her tongue into his mouth.

When she responded hungrily, he moaned (either from pleasure or shock, she didn't know) and she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him closer. Kissing standing up, for her, felt far more comfortable than with him leaning over her. She didn't feel so anxious or afraid. In fact, she felt a little throb between her legs when his tongue swept into her mouth and he managed to push her against the portrait, pressing his body firmly against hers.

She clutched onto the front of his robes and kissed him fiercely, heat swelling up in her body, sending waves of warmth throughout her, although somehow managing to send shivers up her spin. He wrapped his arms around her so that she could feel his arms pressing into her back, and that was a bit uncomfortable seeing as she was pressed against the portrait (much to the chagrin of Salazar Slytherin) but she didn't' care. The other feelings he induced with just his kiss were far more important than that.

Anne was moaning quietly into his mouth, pressing her body against him, enjoying his hungry, strong kiss. She didn't know what had caused him to do that, but she hoped it wasn't because he'd dropped out of character. Kissing him was amazing, it made her feel all sorts of things she'd never felt before . . . The butterflies in her stomach flapped eagerly, but it felt nice; his warm mouth over hers, bringing in her bottom lip, his tongue pressing against hers . . . All of it was heaven.

He pulled away from her and pressed his forehead against hers, leaving her breathless. She smiled at him, then leaned forward and kissed him quickly, blushing a little bit.

"You talk too much, Anne. I had to shut you up somehow."

"Well, it worked," she said, pulling her head away from his, knowing her cheeks were a bright red.

"I came here with a purpose," he pointed out, finally stepping back and folding his arms across his chest after smoothing out the wrinkles on his robes from her clutching him.

She nodded, still unable to wipe the lazy grin off her face. "Were you trying to seduce me?" she asked a bit playfully.

"Depends on whether or not it worked," he responded with a smirk that made her smile wider.

"I think it did."

"I had to resort to desperate measures. You should learn to control your babbling when nervous. I can't possibly have you talk my ear off while I'm trying to please you on our honeymoon . . . Or any other occasion. It might make it a little difficult."

"Oh, I imagine you'll pleasure me immensely. That little kiss was, well . . . good." She cleared her throat nervously. "But I'll try to shut up when you're . . . you know, pleasuring me."

He nodded, giving her a look over. "Although Miss Prince is . . . An infernal, thick-headed prat, she made an interesting point. I think we should . . . Try to develop a relationship before Christmas."

She nodded a few times. "Yeah."

"Then we shall look into--"

There was a piercing scream from inside the common room, and the sounds of a commotion. Her and Severus looked at each other, then said the password, and bolted into the common room to find Voldemort striding into it from the fireplace.

"Quit your screaming, girl," Voldemort spat, pointing his wand threateningly at Astoria Greengrass.

"Oh, fuck, he'd better not kill her," Anne grumbled. "That's Draco's future wife."

Astoria quickly shut up, and ran in the opposite direction. Everybody else seemed rather nonchalant, considering the Dark Lord had just walked out of the fireplace and into their common room.

"BELLATRIX!" Voldemort bellowed.

A few second later, Bellatrix came running out of the boys' dormitory, still putting on her robes as she ran. When she stopped in front of Voldemort, she brushed off her robes, situated them so they fit her body better, then fell to her knees, kissing the hem of his robes. "Yes, master?" she said, looking up at him with her eyes wide in adoration.

Kurt walk out and saw her kissing the hem of her master's robes. He rolled his eyes and sauntered over to his sister, looking between her and Snape. "Whatchya doin' here, Snape? Takin' my sis out on a date? Its' a bit creepy 'cause you're older than her, but whatever."

"We were talking. Trust me, it wasn't anything near as interesting as what you do with Bella."

Kurt shrugged. "She ain't so bad. Fuckin' psychotic, but . . . Well, she ain't Tonks. I wish she were."

"Tonks is married to Lupin. Or, she was," Snape informed.

"Well ,she ain't now. I'd best go find her, and try to convince her that I'm the man of her fuckin' dreams." He smirked and ran his hand through his fro-like hair, waggling his eyebrows cockily.

"Get up," spat Voldemort angrily. "I am very angry with you, Bellatrix."

"Is it because I left my wand at Anne and Kurt's? I'm sorry, master!" she exclaimed while she stood, tears filling her dark eyes.

"No, I don't give a shit if you misplace your wand!" he shouted. "You gave me Chlamydia!"

Anne burst out laughing suddenly, and she noticed the very amused expression on Snape's face. Draco shuddered melodramatically and made retching noises, pointing his finger towards his mouth. "TMI! TMI!" he shouted.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT I HAVE CHLAMYDIA!" Kurt yelled, looking down at the front of his trousers. Everybody turned and stared at him "I fucked her too, Voldemort! Shit!" He reached into his robes and pulled out his wand and pointed it down at his cock, his hazel eyes wide. "Quick, tell me a spell to cure it! Shit I didn't even know I had it! Goddammit Bellatrix!"

"What? I don't have Chlamydia," she said, looking between Kurt and Voldemort as if they were stupid. "Hello, I know how to use sexual protection charms. I'm not retarded."

Kurt let out a very relieved sigh, while Anne continued laughing. The Dark Lord having a sexually transmitted disease was absolutely hilarious to her.

"Oh . . . Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Bella?" he said, looking somewhat thoughtful.

"That if my name started with an H instead of a B my name would be Hella?"

Kurt joined the laughter this time, while Snape seemed not to understand the reference.

"Er, no. I'm thinking it was Lucius. He fucks me often, too."

"OMG TMI WTF!" screamed Draco, falling to the floor and vomiting on the ground, for real this time.

"Well, I'll leave you here, Bella. I'll return when there's some development in our little problem. And try to make sure that we win this time around, all right? I have a certain pimp-cane wielding pureblood to deal with."

At that, Sirius' head perked up. "What? What the hell did I ever do to you, Voldie? AS I recall, you were only too happy to pay me for oral pleasure last week, so don't even get uppity with me."

"I wasn't talking about you Sirius. Lucius has a pimp cane too."

"Oh, never mind then."

With that, Voldemort stepped into the fireplace and went back to wherever he had come from, probably to torture Lucius for giving him an STD.

Bellatrix calmly walked over to Kurt and sighed, shaking her head, her eyes alight with adoration. "Isn't Voldie-Poo just amazing? Aww, he's so damn adorable!"

Anne grimaced and shuddered at the thought of them having sex. Kurt looked like he might vomit. Severus looked like he wanted to go jump off of a tower.

"Er, sure. Yeah," Kurt mumbled, shaking a dirty image out of his head.

"But yeah, we've gotta talk. We have to get this world back in normal order. I noticed that some things I getting back to normal. But let's try and make it so we win this time, okay? I will not be killed by Molly fucking Weasley." She scowled slightly. "I guess it makes sense though that she would kill me. After all, I did kill my cousin."

"Yeah, ya did. But Sirius seems okay with it. He even fucks you on a regular basis, so he can't be that mad."

"Yeah, well . . . Huh, that is strange . . ." Bellatrix murmured, looking puzzled for a moment. After a few seconds, she shook her head. "Yeah, well, I was actually talking about Tonks."

"What?" Kurt asked, as if he thought he'd misheard her.

"I said I killed Tonks, silly," Bella said, playfully slapping Kurt's arm.

"WHAT?" Kurt demanded angrily, his voice reverberating around the common room. Anne winced. This couldn't go well. He pointed his wand directly between Bellatrix's eyes. "Crucio, bitch!" he yelled.

A small green spark shot out of his wand weakly, then he shook his wand like it was a can of spray paint.

Bellatrix laughed, then held Kurt's wrist, staring into his eyes, shaking her head maternally. "No, no, honey, you have to mean it! Gosh, you are so silly!" she took his wand from him, looking down on it. Kurt's hand balled up into fists. "NO, really, dear, you even had the wand movements wrong. Plus, you have to mean it," she waved the wand as if she was trying to show him the proper wand movements, and Kurt just glared at him. "Like this! Avada kedavra!"

A green light enveloped Kurt while Bellatrix laugh insanely, tossing her hair over her shoulder--

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Anne shouted, jabbing her wand at Bellatrix. The green light shot from her wand and hit her squarely in the chest, the Dark Lord's most loyal servant falling to the floor along with Anne's brother.

Anne dropped to her knees before her brother, who was lying there, motionless. She grabbed his shoulders and started shaking him. "Wake up! She can't have killed you! WAKE UP, DAMMIT!" she shouted, shaking him violently, trying not to notice that his eyes were lifeless, and his had an odd, greyish tint to it. Tears sprang ot her eyes and her voice broke, feeling as thought the world was crashing down around her.

Snape grabbed her shoulders, presumably to try and pull her away, but she jerked out of his grasp and threw herself on Kurt's body, smacking the side of his face. "Wake up you stupid fucker! Goddamn you!" She started sobbing hysterically, shaking him. "Please, don't die! Don't be dead. Please, no!" she cried, finally lying her head on his chest and sobbing into his dead body, clutching the front of his robes, willing for his heart to beat.

Her heart had been torn from her chest. She didn't think anything could make her feel so empty, so lost . . . She'd never known this pain, she anted to tell herself it was a joke, that he was just holding his breathe . . . He wasn't really dead, he couldn't be . . . The tears wouldn't stop, and she was trying to speak--trying to tell him to wake up--but she couldn't get the words to form.

Her brother, Kurt, was dead.

* * *

A/N--don't worry, the story won't get too tragic. There will be comedy, I promise.

eyesuhkatspeleeng: This has nothing to do with the tub incident. I had the chapter planned from the very beginning. It's just weird it happened on the day I was originally going to post this. I waited an extra day for you.


	18. Time For Some Help

Chapter 18: Time For Some Help

Anne was sobbing on his chest, clutching his robes, when Raven ran over to her and pushed her aside. Anne fell to the floor wit ha thunk, then glared at her beautiful enemy. "What the hell is your problem?" Anne demanded, sniffling and wiping away the tears from her eyes. "Are you really that heartless?"

Raven put her hands on Kurt's chest, and a white light emanated from her hands, her black eyes going completely white. Her hair went white as well, and her skin glowed a pure, radiant light. The sound of women vocalizing filled the air.

As soon as the light went away, Kurt sat straight up and took in a deep breath, shaking his head like he was getting water out of his ears.

Anne stared, with her mouth open slightly.

"I can bring people back from the dead, duh! Remember? Voldemort had to burn Lucretia's body so I wouldn't bring her back. Hello."

"I was dead?" Kurt asked, standing up and brushing off his robes.

"Yeah, Bellatrix killed you," Raven informed.

Kurt furrowed his eyebrows. "Huh. Well, she's a bitch anyway. I am so fucking dumping her." He looked down at Anne, who was still sitting, staring at him with her eyes wide and her mouth opened slightly, face red and eyes swollen and wet with tears. "What you cryin' for?"

"I . . . you . . . you were dead, Kurt, what the fuck do you think I was crying for?" She was standing up now, still stunned.

Kurt looked her over, then smiled, looking really impressed. "Well, fuck, Anne! You were cryin' over me?"

"Duh! Of course!" she said, her voice breaking slightly while she wiped her eyes.

"Well, she did a bit more than cry," Draco said, coming up to them, stepping on Bellatrix's chest on his way over to them. "She killed Aunt Bella, for instance. She made a huge fucking scene. Grabbing you, begging you to wake up. It was pathetic, really." He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

Anne looked down at Bellatrix, then at Draco. "Er . . . Aren't you mad at me for killing her?"

"She killed my best friend, and she's a bitch. Plus, I'm a heartless bastard, remember? I don't give a shit." He shrugged it off, then glanced down at her body. "We should probably tell Voldemort she died of Chlamydia or something. That way she won't get mad at you. So . . . Who wants to tell him?"

Not one hand went up.

Finally, sirius let out a sigh. "I'll do it. Fucker owes me money anyway. So, Lucisu gave her Chlamydia then?"

Draco shuddered. "I feel so sorry for mum, but yeah. He's the one who gave it to Voldemort, right?"

"Yep. Later, bitches." Sirius jumped into the fire, throwing the Floo powder as he did so.

Anne stood there, blinking confusedly. Snape was still standing beside her. She opened her mouth to say something to Kurt, but then she shut it. Kurt nodded at her, then turned to Draco. "So, I was thinking, we could put Harry in a barrel, right, full of glass and nails and roll him down a hill," Kurt said, strolling beside Draco, apparently unaffected by the fact that he had just died and come back in within a minute.

Draco sighed. "Boring. We should tie him up and pour slow-eating acid all over his skin."

They walked off, describing different ways to kill of Harry Potter.

Anne blinked a few times. "Well I feel fuckin' stupid now. Freakin' out over no reason."

"I tried to pull you off him," Snape reminded.

"Yeah. That was a bit embarrassing, thinking back on it."

"I imagine it would be." They stood there for a minute, looking around the common room, which was quite peaceful and nonchalant considering what had just happened. "It was somewhat anti-climactic, wasn't it?" he pointed out, with a brow raised.

"Pretty much. Oh well, for once, I don't give a shit."

Snape nodded, then shrugged. "Well, later poppet. See ya on the flipside." He tossed a biscuit at her chest, then skipped out of the common room, humming a cheery-sounding song.

Anne shrugged.

* * *

Ron and Hermione sat beside each other, Ron's' arms wrapped around Hermione's shoulder. "Isn't this lovely? Perfect way to start a morning," Hermione said, looking out at the sunrise, resting her head on her fiancée's shoulder. His hand went up and started playing with her soft, brunette curls, a lazy smile playing across his features.

"Yeah," he agreed, kissing the top of her head gently.

"I love you, Ron," she said, snuggling closer to him.

"I love you, 'Mione."

Hermione pulled her head away and furrowed her eyebrows in confusion. "Did you just call me 'Mione?"

Ron looked at her, confused. "Well, yeah. So?"

"When the hell did this happen?"

"Well, I always call you 'Mione."

"Like when, for instance?"

Ron opened his mouth to answer, then he scratched the top of his head. "Actually, I don't know . . ." They both looked at each other, then Ron shrugged. "Well, it's better than 'mudblood' I guess. I can't believe you actually went out with Malfoy for two days."

"I never went out with Malfoy," she said, still looking at Ron as if he had been speaking an entirely different language.

Ron nodded. "Yeah, you did. 'Member? It was a few days before Halloween, and it was snowing, and you burst into the Great Hall, saying you two were in love. I was a bit upset and vowed vengeance and all, but . . . Well, I think I might have been a little tired, because . . . I don't 'member much . . ."

"I never went out with him."

"Yeah, you did. You two had sex, like, eight times in one day, apparently. You guys thought you were Head Boy and Girl even though you're sixth years. Don't you remember? And you told everyone I beat you and your dad raped you."

Hermione gasped and gave him a very affronted looked. "I'm a virgin, Ron! And I would never--not with Malfoy--that's ridiculous! You don't hit me, and my father certainly doesn't rape me . . ."

They both sat, staring at each other, entirely confused, when Ron furrowed his eyebrows. "Did Dumbledore shoot sherbet lemon candies at us through a gun?" Hermione nodded slowly, and they both stared out over the sunset, still confused. "You know, a lot of weird things have been goin' on lately, ever since . . ."

Hermione's brown eyes lit up with inspiration. "Ever since that Anne girl came to the Sorting Ceremony late! Ron, maybe she's knows something about that!"

* * *

"Do you think we'll ever have Defence Against the Dark Arts again?" Kurt asked as they walked towards the Great Hall for breakfast. "'Cause, gotta say, I ain't lookin' forward to the only two fuckin' classes we have. I'm a bit fuckin' tired of Transfiguration and Potions. No offence to your lover-boy, but . . ."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Anne muttered as they strode through the dungeons, rubbing their arms through their robes. She eyed Snape's classroom door, and she heard noises coming from within--they sounded like voices. "Maybe we should talk to Snape about it. He might have an idea on how to get classes back to normal."

"Yeah, if his fuckin' daughter decides to stop being a Mary Sue which is fuckin' unlikely. Who would want to stop being perfect? 'Cause it's only when she does non-Mary Sue shit that things go somewhat normal. But I guess it worked out for us, since she brought me back from the dead .By the way, thanks for cryin' about that yesterday. That was cool."

"Well what was I supposed to do? Celebrate?" she asked.

Kurt shrugged. "Well ,thinkin' on it, I guess it was ex[pected. Still, a big, dramatic scene all over me?" He smirked and waggled his eyebrows. "I feel fuckin' special. So were we gonna talk to cutesy-wutesy sevvy-poo or what?"

"Don't call him that. It's . . . creepy." Kurt chuckled. "But yeah, why not? See if he has any ideas."

They knocked on the door, but nobody said anything. They heard voices from within, though, but not clear enough for them to understand. Anne shrugged and opened the door to find Snape, dressed in nothing but a black and green corset, swinging around a pole, while Lupin danced around in nothing but a red thong. Sirius was tossing money at them.

Anne quickly shut the door, her face slightly green. Kurt dry-heaved a little.

"I think we'll just pretend that never happened," Anne said, shuddering and walking away, heading towards the Great Hall.

Kurt nodded. "Yeah, that's . . . that's a good idea."

Hermione and Ron ran up to Kurt and Anne .They stopped in front of them, Ron with his hands one his knees and breathing heavily, and Hermione tossing her perfect hair behind her shoulder, in an annoyed fashion, scowling slightly. Anne and Kurt looked at each other. There was a moment of awkward silence, then Kurt raised his eyebrows and pointed at Snape's office with his thumb. "If you're goin' to see Snape, I don't think now would be a good fuckin' time."

"No, actually, we're here to see Anne."

Anne looked surprised, but not in an unpleasant way. "Oh. Okay. Did you need something?"

Ron stood up, his cheeks read, letting out puffs of air. "Well, you see, things are a bit weird around here. And they didn't start getting weird until you were late for the Sorting, so we thought you were doing it. You're bollixing up everything, mate."

"It's called tact, Ron," Hermione whispered, but loud enough for Anne and Kurt to hear.

Anne sighed. "Oh, my God. I can't believe it. It's so cliché. The new student walking in late and everybody noticing. I can't believe Raven didn't do it herself. Classic Mary Sue entrance."

"Not everybody noticed. Just us. We knew you from the compartment, is all," Ron informed.

Hermione furrowed her eyebrows in thought. "Mary Sue? I've heard of them."

"From where? A fuckin' book?" Kurt asked in an irritable tone, scowling at her. Kurt didn't like Hermione, and he certainly wasn't trying to hide the fact.

Hermione glared at him, then turned to Anne, who was obviously more likely to listen without insulting her. "Actually . . . Er, I did, a little. I've heard the phrase before on the internet--Star Trek fanfic--obviously I liked Star Trek--anyhow, I've heard about it before. I was reading through an older book I borrowed from the library, and the phrase was in there too. So are you a Mary Sue? I mean, no offence, but you don't really . . . Seem like one."

"No, that would be Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince," Anne pointed out. "No offence taken."

"Of course! The longer-than-needed name, perfect looks, amazing powers . . . From another world where this is just a book _and_ American! Assuming that she is alive and Lucretia isn't, I take it she is the author's avatar?"

"Yep. Daughter!Sue, by the way. In case you didn't know."

Hermione bit her bottom lip thoughtfully. "Hmm . . . Black hair and eyes . . . Slytherin . . . Snape or Voldemort, I take it? No, wait, Lucretia was Voldemort's so . . . Snape?"

Anne smiled and nodded. "Got it in one."

"Wait, they have books on this shit? Mother fucker! We should have gone to the library!" Kurt groaned and kicked the wall beside Snape's classroom door in frustration.

Ron furrowed his eyebrows. "I don't really get it. What's a Mary Sue?"

Hermione sighed. "Perfect, talented at everything, the most beautiful, intelligent being to walk the earth, normally female. If they have any faults, is usually 'fiercely loyal to friends' or 'quick-tempered' and they normally have a very keen eye for main characters, and intuitive about everyone else--simply because they are written by fans who already know the people they are writing about. For instance, someone reading this story would obviously already know us, and most likely know us better than we know ourselves. Often accompanied with bad grammar and horrible plots."

Ron nodded, although it didn't really look like he truly understood. "Oh . . ."

"So why would this be in a book in the library?" Kurt asked, momentarily forgetting his hatred of Hermione.

Hermione sighed. "Well, seeing as a very popular plot device is a fan being sucked into that world, it can affect us horribly. Usually it is harmless--you know, it's just a story, doesn't actually interfere with the world in question. There are thousands of worlds and dimension where literally each fictional movie or book is real, and thousands of dimensions for each dimension for every decision ever made. So there is a dimension where Voldemort is female, or one where . . . Harry died and Voldemort is taking over the world, for instance. But since it's just fanfic, it doesn't affect the world. However, every now and then--during certain, coincidental circumstances, where the fanfic actually affects the world. It had to do with the phase of the moon in both worlds, as well the temperature. So many factors, so it is rather rare. However, when these things actually do happen, it can destroy that world for everyone involved--implode it within itself. These are catastrophes and ruins the fandom. For instance, when a movie is taken too far--too many sequels--and so someone has to fix it through canon. The book mentioned the_ A Nightmare on Elm Street _series--I suppose it became ridiculous, and the creator had to make _New Nightmare_ in order to balance it out again. It shouldn't affect the actual works of fiction, unless it is actually made--you know, nobody in raven's world will read any of this going on in canon, not unless it is published, so I suppose it isn't necessarily dire for her world, since--"

"We didn't ask for a Kevin Costner moment for fuck's sake. You could have just said it fucks up this world on occasion," Kurt interrupted, glaring at her. "Shit, just tell us what we need to know. Fuck."

Hermione bristled, then let out a huff of air. "Well, I suppose the side effects are out-of-character-ness. The loss or alteration of memory. These are supposed to warn the people that something needs to be done about he current situation, but since most people are being affected then it's usually hopeless. However, I think it said that someone with a disciplined mind could slip in and out of character--I suppose that could mean Occlumency. Also, that the only way to fix the world is to make the Mary Sue become an original character and let her live the life she creates for herself and hope she doesn't ruin the universe again, or make the world normal and kill her."

"Can you kill her and _then_ make the world normal?" Kurt asked, sounding too interested for Anne's liking.

Hermione thought for a moment. "No, I don't think so. If the author's avatar dies, then the author has no reason to write anymore, and the fanfic ends. The world _must_ be fixed before the fanfic ends, otherwise it will stay as it was when the fic ended--out-of-character or not. Unless there is a sequel, I suppose. The sequel must be written by the same author, of course. But it must be fixed then by either the people in the world, or any help retrieved from another world. There was a very complicated spell on how to retrieve help from the same world the author was in, but I wouldn't recommend it."

"Why not?" Anne asked, sounding worried.

"It comes with the risk of being stuck here. In order to be brought here, a person has to be in-character and fully aware of the situation. However, the point in bringing someone else to the situation is that the person fears he might not always become aware. The only way to return is to have the same people who brought the help here put them back, and those people must be in character. However, that could take years. It could be a dangerous world, and if that person were to die . . . Or if they grow attached to the world, well, then there may be some conflicts in returning."

Anne nodded, understanding that problem all too well. "And . . . The people left behind?"

"They would remember them, of course. But, naturally, someone would have to return the world the way it was before they left. Well, they wouldn't have to, they could leave before if they wanted and had the in-character person to do it for them."

Kurt nodded. "So, when the world is back to canon, does it have to be entirely, perfectly canon or what?"

"No, I suppose the characters would just have to be." Hermione looked at the two of them suspiciously. "So, are you two . . . From this world, or are you . . . Were you two chose to help return this world to normal or what?"

"How is it you're in character?" Kurt asked, avoiding the question.

"Well, I think it said that if the Mary Sue does something that's more of an original character thing, or becomes less of a Mary Sue . . . Well, then it returns to normal." She bit her bottom lip. "I think you two were chosen from the author's world. It makes sense. You're new, and are aware of the . . . problems."

"Yeah, pretty much. We could use all the help we can get. I imagine this fic ends at the beginning of next summer, seeing as that's when the books normally end, but there's no real guarantee." Everybody just took Anne's word for it--she would know more about fanfics then the others. "So, how did you . . . Figure this out? I mean, what happened?"

"He called me 'Mione," she informed. "But, I suppose, things have been wrong before then . . . He says I had . . . relations with Malfoy." She spoke the words as if they made her ill.

"Well . . . Yes, you did. Sorry. So you said we need everybody who brought us alive? Like, those who did the spell, or those who came to us?"

"Those who retrieved you. Those who actually came to you."

Anne let out a loud groan. "Well, fuck. I killed Bellatrix. She brought Kurt. Guess we'd better go make Raven bring her back from the dead. She's not going to be too fucking happy with me. She'll probably kill me then Raven to stop her from bringing me back. Fuck. We'd better knock her out and lock her up somewhere or something."

"We could go back in time. I have a Time Turner for some reason--I imagine to go to my classes, but I only have two, so . . ." Hermione reached into her robes and pulled out a Time Turner, handing it over to Anne. "You know how to work it?"

"One turn for each hour?" Anne asked, looking down at it with her head tilted.

"That's how it was used in third year," Hermione said as Anne put it around her neck. "However, there are new rules that McGonagall told me this year--it's a special Time Turner."

"Fancy that," Anne grumbled, holding it in her hand. "Do you happen to have a crush on any professors or, um, older men this year? Lupin? Snape? Maybe Sirius?"

Hermione shook her head. "No, actually."

"Has anybody asked to borrow this?"

"Raven has a few times," Hermione informed.

"Well that can't be good. So what are these new rules? Lemme guess--you can even go back in years?"

Hermione nodded. "Yes, actually. You just have to say amount of time you want to use--seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, even years, then turn it back to go back in time, turn it forward to go forward in time."

"Naturally. And this is new, so if it happens to break, it might take awhile to fix it, thus enabling you--or Raven, since she asked to use it--to fall in love and get married and get rid of any age difference problems, just so when you finally do fall in love and things are going great, you can get it fixed and go back to the future to find out that, oh my God, Snape remembered you all along! It's actually a pretty good fic when done right." She nodded in appreciation.

"Hey, what are you doing with that? I was supposed to borrow that!" Raven called from behind them.

"Fuck off, raven, Hermione's lettin' us borrow it," Kurt grumbled, then started walking off.

Raven grabbed Anne's arm and forced her to turn around, trying to yank the Time Turner off of her neck. Anne smacked her arm away. "What the fuck? Back off!"

"I need that!" Raven snapped, reaching for it again.

Anne pushed her away roughly, scowling. "Well, it's Hermione's so it's her decision to give it to me. Come on, Kurt, let's go." She started going in the opposite direction, grabbing Kurt's upper arm and leading him away, Ron and Hermione watching with mild fascination, both with dazed expressions on their faces, most likely because Raven was nearby.

"Goddammit, I said I need that!" Raven yelled, throwing herself on Anne's back, wrapping her arms around her throat and trying to grab it from behind. Anne started trying to shake her off and Kurt grabbed Raven, trying to yank her off his sister. "I need it!"

"Get off her!" Kurt yelled, still trying to yank her off while Anne grabbed Raven's wrists and shook, preventing her from grabbing it from around her neck.

"Well why else would I have put it in the damn story unless I needed it?" she shouted, just as Kurt yanked her completely off Anne's back.

Kurt grabbed Anne's upper arm and started dragging her away, Anne stumbling over her feet for a moment or two before gaining her balance. Kurt was far stronger than Anne so she had no choice but to follow him. He started running up the stairs, even though Anne tried to pull her arm away. "No, Kurt, not up the stairs, not up the stairs dammit!" she shouted, just as Raven grabbed her from behind, holding her wrist tightly.

"Hey! Let her go! Don't' fuck this up too!" Kurt shouted, tugging on Anne's arm, pulling her to him.

"I need that!" she screamed jerking on Anne's other arm, causing her to stumble a bit, since Raven was behind her and therefore a few steps below.

"This isn't fucking tug of war!" Anne shouted when they both started to try and jerk her towards them, which was mightily uncomfortable since they were on the stairs.

"God dammit let my sister go!"

"I need that to bring Lucretia back, dammit! Now give it or I'll hex you until next year!" she shouted, tugging Anne towards her, reaching up and grabbing the time turner from around her neck. Kurt let go of Anne and shoved her aside so as to have a better aim to hex Raven with. Jerking Anne away form her had caused Raven to lose her balance and the time turner left her grip and flew through the air, spinning, while Anne tried to reach for it. They all lost their balance and fell down the stairs, hitting each stone step with a loud thunk, grunting in pain the entire way down.

They hit the ground hard, as did the time turner, landing beside them with a shatter, glass and sand spilling on the stone, the world around them spinning rapidly, colours blurring and sounds overlapping.

A few seconds when they all managed to stand, feeling thoroughly dizzy, Anne looked down at the tiem turner broken on the ground, then turned to regard Raven, whose eyes were wide and her mouth was in the shape of an O.

"Oops," she managed weakly, blinking her wide, black eyes innocently.

"I hate you," Anne informed.

* * *

A/N--I meant to post this the day after I posted the last chapter, but apparently I forgot. Sorry. By the way, I also planned Kurt coming back from the dead. I know it's stupid and cheesy, but come on, did you actually expect me to keep him dead? It's a parody, folks.


	19. Marauders and Metaphors

Chapter 19: Marauders and Metaphors

"You hate _me?"_ Raven exclaimed. "It's your fault all of this happened! If you'd just given it to me, then we could go bring Lucretia back!"

"We don't need Lucretia to come back!" Anne yelled.

"But we do! She's a parselmouth, and we need to get those poisonous fangs to kill the Horcruxes, and now we can't because the Basilisk is still alive! I want to kill those Horcruxes, dammit!"

"Even Harry, or did you somehow forget that?" Anne spat.

"What the fuck are horcruxes? Like, prostitute monsters or what?" Kurt asked. Kurt caught onto the fact that the word must've been important if they were talking about killing it, and Harry was one. "'Cause, yeah, Harry bein' a monster and us having to kill him for the greater good is okay by me."

Raven's hand went straight to her mouth. She looked stunned for a second. "Fuck, I forgot about that!"

Anne furrowed her eyebrows. "We could get rid of them whilst we are here . . ." she said slowly. Raven smiled and Kurt looked at her strangely. Then Anne's eyes widened. "Did I just fucking help you?"

"I didn't make it happen, I swear," Raven raised both of her hands. Anne was still looking confused. "Well, we'd still need Lucretia or some other parselmouth . . ."

A boy came around the corner, clutching his books to his chest as he hurried down the hall. His black hair swung around his face with each hasty step he took. His hair was long and obscured his face while he walked.

"Snape?" Raven asked.

"What the fuck? I ain't that fuckin' loser. I'd rather throw myself off the astronomy tower." He tossed his longish hair over his shoulder, and the most amazing pair of dark eyes pierced through him, his hair no longer obscuring his God-like face of perfection. "I'm Sirius Black," he greeted.

Raven gushed. Anne rolled her eyes.

Just then, an awkward-looking boy came running around the corner, black, greasy hair swinging around his sallow face. His book bag was old and tattered, and there was a hole on the side of it. "Damn you, Black, give me my Potions boo---" An inkwell fell out of the hole in Snape's bag and he stepped on it. He flew up in the air, suspended comically for one second, hair flying everywhere, legs and arms flailing, black eyes wide, then he fell to the ground, landed spread-eagle, everything in his book bag spilling out around him.

Laughter rang out form down the hall, and she saw someone who looked exactly like Harry, only hotter. Therefore, James. Some fat, awkward kid was following him and that must've been James. A cute kid with a book against his chest and a prefects badge on his robes (Anne noticed for the first time they were all wearing robes--with the exception of Raven, of course, who never did) and she figured that cute kid must be Lupin.

"Loser! You're just a loser. Yeah, you with your big ol' . . . loser-y loserness, you big loser, Snape, hah!" James cried sauntering over to them.

"Wow. That was pathetic," Kurt aired.

"_Random mean spell!"_ James cried, and shot Snape with a blue spell. Teenaged Snape was suddenly suspended in the air like a marionette puppet, and began to do a strange Cossack dance and began singing in Russian.

"Expelliarmus!" Anne shouted habitually, and James' wand flew out of the air. "Leave him alone!" she shouted.

"How about no, you . . . Uh . . ." James scratched the back of his head. Sirius scratched the back of his head too. They all scratched the back of their heads. Snape was busy gathering up his things and stuffing them in his school bag, giving Anne a curious expression. Anne, Kurt, and Raven waited patiently for James to say something. "You're all losers!" He then bent down, grabbed his wand, and ran in the other direction, laughing maniacally.

Sirius followed his friends, tossing a book at Snape, who caught it deftly. He put that in his bag as well. He looked at them curiously, then began to walk off, but the bag ripped and everything spilled out on the floor again. "FUCK!" yelled Snape.

"Reparo," Kurt said, pointing his wand at the bag. It repaired itself. Anne and Raven looked at him in shock. He wasn't normally the one good with remembering spells. He wasn't the most intelligent guy to walk the earth, and seeing as they only had two classes, it was surprising. "What? It's in the movie."

"Who are you?" Snape finally asked, walking over to them. He peered at all of them suspiciously. "I've never seen any of you before."

"We're, uh . . . new students," Kurt said.

"Well, that much is obvious," Snape said, rolling his eyes. "You all related or something?"

"Ew, God no, "Raven said immediately.

Snape looked her over, then he scowled. "You're American."

"Yeah! It's awesome. I'm a transfer student from America! The schooling system there isn't a good as it is here in Hogwarts, so . . ."

"We were . . . Uh . . ." Kurt trailed off. Snape raised his eyebrow.

"We were home taught. He's a bit embarrassed by it. He thinks everyone will think we're . . . freaks or something." She flashed a brief smile at him. Home taught. Cliché. Oh well.

Snape nodded a few times. "And . . . Which houses are you in?"

"I'm in Gryffindor! "Raven stated proudly.

"What?" Anne and Kurt said, stunned. Snape looked like he wanted to puke.

"Tell you later," she mumbled to them, trying to be secretive about it, but Snape obviously saw and raised an eyebrow at her. "So I'm gonna go to the common room. Later." She pranced off, her dark hair bouncing behind her.

The three of them looked at each other for a few moments, then Snape raised an eyebrow. "The fact that there's a broken time turner at your feet was supposed to go unnoticed, I take it." Kurt and Anne looked down at the broken time turner, and at the sand that spilled along the stone floor. They looked at Snape. Anne felt attracted to him, despite his unattractive appearance, mainly just from knowing he was Snape. "So, er, what are you guys really doing here? You're both horrible liars, by the way."

"That bitch wanted to use the time turner, but it was around my neck. She knocked us down the stairs trying to get it from me. She wanted to go back and bring Lucretia back from the dead."

"Lucretia Black? No, she is still alive," Snape stated.

"Huh?"

"Lucretia Black. That would be Sirius' and Regulus' paternal aunt. Regulus told me."

"Er . . . decidedly, not that Lucretia . . ." Anne muttered, rubbing the back of her head. This wasn't the first time something canon had randomly presented itself to her she hadn't known. She'd had to hear about Astoria Greengrass through the author/Raven. For about ten solid minutes. Of whining. Consistently. Apparently Raven hadn't been quite sure if she was going to end up with Draco or Harry at the time she'd heard the news. Perhaps this was more canon stuff. "A different Lucretia. Someone, er, that died obviously and she wants to come back."

He rolled his eyes. "And somehow you ended up . . . here. Where are you from? The past, or the future?"

"The future."

"Fascinating."

"Severus!" a pretty red-haired girl shouted, coming around the corner the marauders had disappeared from. Snape's face suddenly changed form curious to a softened expression. Kurt caught onto this, and looked at him with furrowed eyebrows. She stormed over to him. "What did they do to you? I just saw them running off."

"Nothing, Lily," he said, his black eyes turned to her, and only seeing her.

Kurt was looking at them with his brows furrowed. Anne was watching them, and her heart ached. Partly because she knew that the friendship would last, and partly because she was jealous. She really wished that the jealousy bit was there. It wasn't like they were engaged yet or anything, and she didn't want to have any ill-harboured feeling towards Lily either. But she couldn't help it.

"Who are your new friends?" she asked, her green eyes moving past Severus' black eyes and looking at the siblings.

"I just met them," Severus said, stepping in front of the time turner. "They're home taught. There was another, but I imagine you'll see her. She claimed to be a Gryffindor."

"Oh. Hello," she greeted, giving a cute little wave. Anne found herself wishing that Raven the Author had made Lily into a bitch again, so she didn't feel so guilty for not thinking pleasantly about her at the moment.

"I'm Anne Roberts," she greeted, smiling widely, hoping she looked pleasant and not like she'd been smacked upside the head.

"I'm Kurt, her brother," Kurt said with an appreciative smile, looking Lily over, his hazel eyes alight. Snape caught the fact Kurt was checking her our and her narrowed his eyes evilly.

"Well I'm Lily Evans, and this is my best friend, Severus Snape."

Kurt looked like someone had hit him upside the head with a two-by-four.

"We've got to go talk to, ah . . . The headmaster," Anne said, bending down and scooping the broken time turned and sand into her pocket.

"You do that," Snape said, still glaring at Kurt, who was staring between the two of them as if they'd said something extremely profound. Snape and Lily left, Lily looping her arms through Snape's.

Kurt watched them for a moment. "You know, I almost forget that Raven ruined everything for me. I forget they were best friends."

"Yeah, well . . ." Anne mumbled, purposely looking away from the two of them. "So, we're back in the marauder-age. Fantastic."

"Could we really fuck things up?"

Anne opened her mouth to answer him, but then she frowned. "Actually, um . . . You know what, I don't' know. Every time turner fic I've ever read, it was always . . . Like it had already happened. And remember, in Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry sent the Patronus, and then he sent it again, so it had already happened? So I guess, we've already been here. So, everything we do, we've already done. So nothing will change. I mean, because it . . . Never does . . . Not in in canon."

"Wait, so in canon, we existed in Hogwarts in the seventies? We were real, even in canon?"

"I don't know. This doesn't really count, seeing as what we just came from wasn't canon . . ." She stuck her hand in her pocket, feeling around for the broken bits and the sand. "But maybe we were? Maybe . . . This was supposed to happen? Maybe we were reading about ourselves all along, or something . . . I mean, if we've done this before, 'cause it will keep happening over and over . . . But nothing will change, 'cause we're not disrupting any timelines since, you know, it's already happened so we're already in the time line and . . . And this has happened already with the time turner, like, a hundred-million times before . . . Just like that patronus thing in the third book, and him thinking it was his dad . . ."

"Time travel makes my head hurt," Kurt grumbled, scuffing the floor with his shoe.

* * *

Dumbledore was sitting cross-legged on his desk, naked. His long, silvery beard managed to flop right between his legs and hide anything from view that would have mentally disturbed Kurt and Anne for seeing.

"Asante sana squash banana . . ." he sang.

"Um, Professor Dumbledore?" Anne ventured, keepign her eyes focused on his face, and not on his old, wrinkly, pale legs or chest.

THWACK! A ran staff came from nowhere and hit the top of her head.

"Ow," she muttered, rubbing the top of her head.

"The banana doesn't peel until the hungry do so for it," he said, his eyes closed, his nose turned upwards slightly.

"What the fuck?" Kurt said, furrowing his eyebrows. The random staff hit him upside the head as well.

"Fuck the what precisely, my child. The fuck what? The what fuck? What is it, my child? The fuck? What, the fuck. What is it? Fornication under carnal knowledge, my child. That is what the fuck is. Fuck."

Even though they both felt like uttering more 'what the' sentences, they both remained silent as they watched random staff that floated beside the naked Dumbledore.

"You rang?" Dumbledore said after a few moments of him meditating and singing odd songs in different languages, He still had his hand n his thighs, index finger making circle with his thumb, his other fingers lying flat.

"Well, er, you see, there's a time turner problem . . ." Anne mumbled, reaching into her pockets and scooping out as much sand as possible and glass without cutting herself. "It was a special time turner, making it possible to go back for even in years."

"And you're not Hermione Granger?" She shook her head. "Strange. And you're not Ginny Weasley, trying to make it into Tom Riddles' school years? Nor Harry Potter, in a life lesson about his parents?"

Kurt scoffed. "Fuck no, on that one. No, we're just random students. Not even from this world. There's a girl Raven, she's the one you wanna fuckin' talk to. It's her fault. We were just trying to bring Bellatrix back so when we fix this fucked up world we can go home."

"That which is broken may only be fixed when we have the right tools, m yfriend."

"Yeah, no kidding," he mumbled.

"Only when something falls apart may it be refined. "Eh gave Kurt a knowing gleam in his sparkling blue eyes, and Kurt seemed to understand a bit more than Anne did. She didn't have a clue. "One cannot better something that which is perfect. One must destroy it, in order for it to become a masterpiece . . . But which is the masterpiece? Nuts, bolts, my child, nuts, bolts, hammers . . . Wood does not a home make. Which does a house belong? A home, a heart? Where to build it? When to build it?"

"Yeah," Kurt mumbled, frowning slightly. "That's what I'm thinkin', too. Make it better."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Anne finally blurted.

"Building shit, Anne. You might be fuckin' top grade college fuckin' gal or whatever, but you know shit when it comes to tactile. Shut up." He turned back to Dumbledore.

It was a metaphor, obviously. Anne liked to think she was all right with metaphors. Until she met up with one that she didn't understand and then she just pretended that she'd never come across it. It was a bit annoying and frustrating to her that her own brother would understand this instead of her, considering he was not very good with anything literary. Whilst they would go deeply analytical while watching movies together, she'd never come to a metaphor ot symbol that her brother had caught onto before her, even when they both talked about it.

"Right, so the house can get bigger, but that doesn't make it a home." Anne understood that bit, at least she thought it did (a house was not a home, that she understood) unless this was a metaphor for something else . . . "But it can't get better when it's already done. So . . . We can use our nuts, and get the house up and fuckin' ready, ya think? Move to a new location?"

"Same location, obviously. It doesn't move. You two do, it doesn't," Dumbledore said, humming a little tune afterwards.

"Right, but we'll get the home bigger and larger. Different home after we move. All right, I get it. We get the same old location, I get that. I just meant the house in general. But when we get back--"

"That house won't change a bit. You think you're up to it? There's no way we can get the house back to how it was."

"I'm cool with a little rebuilding. Sucks we won't get any fuckin' blue prints."

Dumbledore tapped his temple. "It's in here, my child. Plus, it's not like no one's ever gone on vacation before. I have the books for a reason."

"You fuckin' rock, Dumbledore." Kurt smirked at Anne. "He remembers, by the way. Occlumency shit."

"How the fuck did you get anything from what he said? That metaphor was . . . Was it about home being where the heart is? What was that?"

"It wasn't a metaphor, Anne. We were talking about building stuff." Anne rolled her eyes. If he wanted to be difficult, then fine. Kurt scoffed. "Whatever. But he remembers."

"I told your brother what he needed to hear. Now I will tell you." Anne waited, staring into his eyes. His bleu eyes twinkled. "You can't delete the past, Anne. It's not like a story. Your pinky doesn't hit the backspace in life. Which is why we so often eat the words we says . . . Words that taste horrible, like gritty mud, like coppery blood . . . We speak out insult we regret years later. What if we could erase them What then? How different life could be, if we weren't constantly plagued by those muddy, bloody words we eat . . . In a sotry, you erase a paragraph and write anew . . . What would have changed without those new words? What if there was no backspace?"

Anne furrowed her eyebrows. "So . . . we . . can change stuff?" she said, feeling rather stupid. Kurt had completely understood what Dumbledore had said to him, and she was still somewhat lost. "Or . . . are you saying we can't change it? Are you saying we were here before, or are we really able to change the continuum?"

There was a meowing noise coming from underneath his beard, which twitched slightly. "I think it best if you two leave now. Don't' hesitate to grab a few sherbet lemons on your way!" he called, waving them off.

Kurt and looked at where the meowing noise had come from, shuddered, then got out of the chair. They both went to the door.

"I SAID TAKE SOME FUCKING LEMON DROPS!" Dumbledore screamed shrilly, then threw a bowl of candies at them hard.

Anne and Kurt charged out of the room, the bowl of candies barely missing their head.

* * *

A/N--yes, I was making a reference to Rafiki in The Lion King. I love that show. It's like Hamlet. Only happy. As for the metaphors? I am as confsued as you are.


	20. Constructive Criticism

Chapter 20: Constructive Criticism

Lily was Snape's best friend. So, in a way, it did make sense that Lily would be in the Slytherin common room. Apparently she knew the password. Well good for her. And apparently, all of the other Slytherins seemed to be okay with the fact a Gryffindor was in their house. Once again, she was Snape's best friend, so that also made sense. There was nothing in canon to say any differently, so Anne couldn't really complain.

Btu she wished she could.

Anne had always respected Lily, especially after _Order of the Phoenix._ Her respect for her had amplified after _Deathly Hallows._ So she hated that fact that she found herself . . . Hating her. She didn't want to hate Lily. In fact, it was quite the opposite. She knew there was no reason to hate her, either. Btu she just couldn't stop. She knew it was completely out of jealousy, knowing that her 'fiancée' was no longer engaged to her and was doting over the far prettier red head with a better personality.

Anne had never really considered herself a jealous person. Then again, she'd never been in this situation before. Sure, she'd had crushes on boys who were dating others, but those crushes . . . Well, that was nothing compared to how she felt for Snape. She'd been a little let down before, sure, and there had been a touch of envy whenever a pretty girl walked by, or whenever someone dated someone she happened to fancy, but this . . . This was bad. And the horrible things was, she would have thought (before coming her, naturally) that seeing them together would be the highlight of her life; that it would make her happy.

But it didn't.

"Lily! Lily! Love of my life!" Snape exclaimed, running towards her, black eyes alight with adoration.

"Sev!" she said, smiling at him. They ran to each other and hugged in the middle of the common room, embracing each other, spinning, laughing . . .

Well, that was out-of-character (at least slightly) so Anne felt no guilt in scowling.

"Here, I wrote some poems for you," Snape said, blushing, as he handed over a few pieces of parchment.

"Oh, thank you! I'll just go show them to my new best friend, Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince!" she said, smiling broadly, and giggled like a lovesick schoolgirl. "My, she is dreamy, isn't she? She is so sexy . . . She reminds me of someone, someone I know very well, someone I see a lot, but I can't remember who . . ."

Snape was apparently too busy staring at her in adoration to notice the fact she'd just called another woman sexy. "Ya wanna hang out, Lily, my love, my dreamboat of loveliness and beauty?"

"Huh? Yeah, sure," she said absent-mindedly.

"Awesome! Here, I'll go get ready--I'm gonna wear my muggle t-shirt I made that says 'I m obsessed with Lily Evans and want to marry her' and see if you finally get the fucking hint that _I am in love with you _and that I have been since I was practically ten. Somehow this knowledge has escaped your notice." Lily barely even acknowledged he said anything, and Snape sighed, rolling his eyes. "I'll see you in a minute. Why don't you talk to that new girl, Anne? She seems to catch on that I love you and she's only been here a few days. Maybe you'll get it if she says something. Don't' talk to her brother though. He's trying to get into your pants, I think." He gestured over to Kurt, who was busy hanging out with Avery and Mulciber. They were looking at wank magazines. Somehow Kurt had managed to become friendly with the two future Death Eaters within a day. How typical.

Lily pranced over to Anne and plopped down next to her on the couch. "Hey, Anne. I heard that you and Raven don't get along. Raven is in my year, and she certainly seems to like James. She hangs out with him a lot."

"James?" she repeated, furrowing her eyebrows .Why would Raven make a romance between her and James when the relationship was doomed? He married Lily, after all. "Huh, I didn't really see that . . ."

"Looky what my bestest friend ever--who only thinks of me as a friend--gave me!" Lily said.

"Poems? I overheard."

Lily quickly read through them. "Aw. They're very good. I wonder what he was thinking about when he wrote them? Here, tell me what you think."

Anne took the first one. It read:

_Dearest love Lily_

_I am in love with you_

_When will you see_

_That our love is true?_

Anne looked at Lily, whose green eyes were sparkling madly. "Er, I think he makes his, ah, theme quite obvious," she whispered, feeling a pang in her chest area. It was so unfair their friendship didn't last. It was unfair she would have to see it first hand. And it was unfair she wanted to punch Lily in the face for not getting it, and for having his love. Then she wanted to punch herself for thinking those things.

Lily hummed thoughtfully. "Really? Huh, well . . . I guess I missed it. Could you explain it to me?"

"Severus is in love with you, Lily."

Lily laughed. "Oh, you are such a card, Anne! We're just friends! Really, I think you need to read it again." She shook her head and sighed.

Anne rolled her eyes, then read the second poem.

_My heart expands_

'_Tis grown a bulge in it_

_Inspired by_

_Your beauty, effulgent_

"Oh my fucking God, she couldn't' even write her _own fucking poem? _What the shit? William's poems? William fucking _Pratt?_ God, Draco isn't even _here_ there's no reason to make any references to Spikenow! And that damn episode wasn't even until the year 2000! God damn she needs to get her timelines straight."

"What are you talking about?" Lily asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

Anne sighed. "Never mind. Lily, seriously, how could you _not_ know he's in love with you? I mean, bad writing, obviously, but aren't you supposed to be smart? Seriously, I think if he was _this_ obvious you'd catch on eventually."

"Why are you so insistent?" she asked quizzically.

"Why are you so unwilling to believe?"

"Because we're just friends."

Anne rolled her eyes. "Really? Cool. So, it doen'st bug you whatsoever that I think he's drop dead sexy and I want to snog him senseless? Would it bug you if I went out with him?"

Lily's green eyes flashed a little bit. "Well, I mean . . . it's okay, I just don't think . . . That he would want to, really, I mean, we're so busy with OWL testing coming up . . ."

"You sound a bit jealous," Anne said, and that made her even more jealous although it accomplished what she'd wanted it to.

"I am not! H'es just a friend."

"A friend who has a sexy voice and amazing hands. Okay. Haven't you ever thought about it? You know, kissing him? What it would be like to have him wrap his arms around you and say he loves you all quiet and low and what it would feel like to have him kiss your neck . . ." She trailed off, mind going into thoguths that were better not discussed loudly.

Lily seemed to be thinkign deeply about something ,then she smiled a litle bit ."Well, I did, once ,a few times . . ."

"Now read these poems again, and tell me what you think." Anne thrust the parchments in her hand, then stood up, hating herself. She suddenly changed her mind, and didn't want Lily to know, but it was too late, unless she was still as a dumb as a post.

"Hey, where ya goin'?" Lily asked, standing up to join her.

"Oh, nothing, I was just . . . I need to talk to Raven about, uh, taking other people's poetry . . ."

"Raven is studying for OWL exams with James. You're' so lucky you're in sixth year and don't have to take them like I do."

"OWL exams?" she repeated dully. Anne knew what happened on that day. Or, technically, one of the days. The tests took more than one day in canon, but she didn't know how long it would take in the fic. "Oh, uh . . . cool."

Lily furrowed her red eyebrows. "You ever get the feeling you've done something before? I have a serious case of déjà vu right now . . ."

Anne smiled briefly.

Just then, Snape came back into the common room, but he was not wearing the muggle t-shirt he had mentioned. Instead, he was still in his black robes. He strode through the crowd in the common room purposefully, then stood beside Lily, and pulled her into a hug.

"Sev? Is everything okay?" she asked, hugging him back, although appearing confused.

Anne shifted uncomfortably. Dumbledore had become aware in this timeline too, knowing of the future. Perhaps Snape was, as well, at least for the moment.

He pulled away and looked into her face, and his eyes glimmered curiously.

"I'm fine," he said, and it sounded like eh meant it. "I'm going to talk to Anne for a minute."

Lily furrowed her eyebrows. "Is it about your poetry? Because she thinks it's about you being in lvoe with me. And to be honest, she has a valid point--"

"Er, no . . . about . . . something else . . . excuse us," he said, grabbing Anne's arm a bit forcefully.

Lily looked between them, and she seemed to be jealous. "You're not asking her out are you?"

He looked her over curiously, then shook his head. "Er, no."

He then led Anne out of the common room, shutting the portrait behind them. "So I take it you remember then?"

"Of course I do," he said, looking down at his teenaged form with distaste. He looked back at her. "Anne, you cannot change the timeline. You have to let things unfold. Your being here could change God knows what already; but we cannot, as much as we may want to . . . do anything to . . . stop certain events. The effects could be disastrous."

She sighed. "I know. But, um . . . I don't think I can. In these fics, whatever the person does in the past already happened, so it's like I was already here, so I can't change anything. The timelines never change. You find out that the one who went back in time was alread ytehre and so anythign I do I've already done. That's how it works. Somehow. It just does."

"I can assure you that you were not here the first time around."

"Yeah, in canon. But this is a fanfic, and so it'll be like I was in canon anyway. Don't worry--I can't mess anything up." Snape looked her over suspiciously, then sighed and nodded. She put a hand on his shoulder. "I wish I could change . . . um, what happens between you and her. At least you get to be with her again."

He nodded. "I hope we can find a way back before I have to call her that word again."

"Yeah, I know. I'll try and find a way." The jealousy faded away and filled with sadness and foreboding. They looked at each other, then she smiled. "Well, I'm just gonna talk to raven. Try not to let my brother near Lily. He'll, uh . . . embarrass himself."

"I think he's too busy with Avery and Mulciber, but I will most definitely heed your warning," he muttered darkly.

With an encouraging smile, Anne patted his shoulder and they walked in separate ways, Snape into the Slytherin common room, and Anne towards the Gryffindor common room.

When she got out of the dungeons, she saw Hermione Granger, leaning against the wall, writing in an advanced potions textbook. "Hermione! What--What are you doing here?"

Hermione stood, tossing her perfectly curled hair behind her shoulder, and waggled her eyebrows at rapid speed. "Well, actually, you see, I'm Super!Hermione. I steal all of the minor character's important lines, including Ron's, and save the day with my supermodel looks and preppy knowledge. I've come to rescue you from the past, but as it turns out, my time turner broke, so I'll eventually figure it out all by myself so don't worry. I think I might also end up shagging Lupin while I'm here."

Anne stared at the potions text in here hand for a moment, then cleared her throat. "Er, well . . . okay . . . Do you happen to know the password to Gryffindor tower?"

"It's Bob," she said simply, eyebrows raising alternately on each syllable.

Anne nodded slowly, brushing her bushy, dirty-blonde hair behind her ears. "Okay, er . . . thanks . . ."

"Give her hell for us, Peeves," she said with a nod, then sat back down and started scribbling in the advanced potions text again.

Anne hurriedly went to the common room. As soon as she said "bob" the portrait swung open. She stepped inside, then bumped right into somebody.

"Lucretia?" she said ,shocked. Although she was about twenty years younger, she looked practically the same, so there was no mistaking her.

Lucretia furrowed her perfectly shaped eyebrows, her full mouth in a confused pout. "I'm sorry, do I know you?"

"Uh . . . No, I just . . . Sirius told me. You're . . . visiting from Durmstrang?"

"Oh, yes. Sirius is my boyfriend, see. I love him so very much."

Anne looked around, and rocked on her heels slightly, getting a mischievous. "And hows good ol' daddy V?"

"Huh?" Lucretia said, tilting her head, blue eyes wide in question.

"Your father, how is he?" she asked, smiling slightly at the memory of Voldemort killing her and exclaiming her had no daughter.

"Abraxas is fine. I'm not that fond of him."

Anne opened her mouth to say something witty, but words failed her. "Abraxas? But . . . I thought your dad was . . . uh, someone else."

"Has my mum been talking to you?" she asked, and it was just then that Anne realized Lucretia had a British accent. Then again, she didn't achieve her American one until she'd run off to America to hide from Voldemort. Somehow it made Anne a little queasy, knowing she somehow remembered that.

Anne cleared her throat. "Er . . . why?"

"Because my mum had a one night stand with him, but not until she was a month pregnant with me. She has a thing for bad boys, and no one gets badder than him. My father is really Abraxas, but she tells everyone it's Voldemort. She even told Voldemort he was the father, I think she was trying to be second in command or something, but she was just a booty call. Everyone knows that Bellatrix and Lucius are his real loves."

"So . . . your name is . . . Lucretia Malfoy?" she asked cautiously.

"Well it certainly isn't Lucretia Riddle. Honestly. You know, you'd think Dad would divorce mum, since she cheated on him with that hideous, nose-less bastard, but he's got it in his head that Mum is extra-special now. Lucius is so proud of her. My brother is such a prat." She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "You know, my mum is so air-headed, and so is my family. Sometimes I wish I wasn't a Malfoy. Oh well. We have good genes though. Too bad it didn't come with high IQ points, because that would really help in school. Durmstrang hands out tests every other day I swear to Merlin and I barely pass them. You'd think with all my money they could have afforded a private tutor when I was growing up. Oh well."

Anne blinked a few times, shocked at the . . . realistic behaviour of her once Mary Sue-ish professor. "Oh, well uh . . . cool, I guess."

"And being betrothed is so damn boring at times. I mean, really. They even named me after my future husband's aunt. As if I couldn't find a husband on my own."

Anne rubbed the back of her head, furrowing her brows in thought. She was thinking of the Marriage Law that had put her and Snape together. "But, er . . . aren't you a half-blood?"

"No, that's something my mum tells strangers. She says she's a muggle, and that Voldemort raped her. People don't tend to look highly on people who have consensual sex with nose-less dictators, and he would ever rape a pureblood--rape is a power crime, you know, it's done to hold power over the victim--she he would only rape those he felt deserved that--muggles and mudbloods, for instance, but since being a muggle is less disgusting than being a mudblood, she just tells everyone that."

"Um . . . But don't' people notice that she's married to a Malfoy?"

"You know, my mum is a liar and she isn't very good at it, so probably. I think everyone just pretends to believe her, to be honest. She married a Malfoy, after all. No one talks back to a Malfoy." Lucretia shrugged, ignoring Anne's look of utter confusion. "Well, I best get back to Durmstrang . . ."

She brushed past Anne.

For a few seconds, Anne stood there, confused, then she shook her head and found Raven, who was sitting beside James, who looked just like Harry, only hotter. Anne walked over to them, smiling congenially. "Hey, Raven."

"Oh, the new Slytherin! Go fuck Snape," James said, then laughed maniacally.

"Hey, she's my friend," Raven pouted, blinking her large, dark eyes.

James bowed his head in reverence. "I apologize for my rude statement."

"Er, right . . . 'cause fucking Snape is an insult . . . Anyway, Raven, can I talk to you for a second?" Raven nodded, then stood up, following Anne to the other side of the common room. Anne had grown accustomed to the slightly domed atmosphere of the Slytherin common room, and the greenish glow, so being in the Gryffindor common room was strange. She felt a little closed in.

Raven waited for a second, watching Anne look around, then she sighed. "So you wanted to say something?"

"Uh, yeah . . . What the fuck was up with Snape's poem? Seriously, Raven. Come on."

"Which one? There was two."

"Fucking both of them! Do you honestly think Lily is stupid enough to not get that Snape loves her if she spouting off shit like that? Honestly. It's far more believable she doesn't get it if he's _subtle._ If he comes right out and says it and she still doesn't get it, then you make her out like a retard. And Lily isn't a retard."

"All right, fine. I'll erase the bit with the poetry and the stalker shirt."

"And the other poem, too," Anne said, folding her arms across her chest with her lips pursed.

Raven scoffed and pouted like a petulant child. "But--but it's subtle! It's not obvious!"

"It's not yours. Don't take poetry taken from TV shows--ones that take place in years _after_ Harry Potter takes place, no less. Seriously, Snape made a shit load of potions by himself, and he wrote his little clue thing to the potions test to get the Stone in poem format, I think he'd be able to write his own love poem. He's creative. Duh."

"Did Snape really write in that book, you think?" Rave nsaid ominously. Anne stared at her warily. "But, anyway, I _love_ Spike! He's so hot! And the poem really isn't that bad . . ."

Anne let out a harsh sigh. "Look, it's . . . stupid. I love Spike as much as the next girl, but really, just . . . Either make up your own poem, or don't mention what the poem says at all."

"But . . . Spike is so hot! I base Draco after him."

I clenched her teeth together and made to yell, then took a deep breath to calm herself. It wouldn't do to scream in the middle of the common room. "Why not base Draco after, I don't know, fuckin' Draco?"

"'Cause the Draco in the book is such an asshole."

"Duh! So write him as an asshole! People can still like assholes! Shit! Liking someone for their looks isn't smart, retard! If you love them even though they're assholes, that's real love! Hello!"

"Fine! Fine! Let's see how many people actually like Draco when he's book-canon!" Raven shouted, folding her arms petulantly. "I'll go through and change my shit, and post them up. Happy?

"Exceedingly," she responded, although angrily. "By the way . . . I, uh, like what you did with Lucretia. I mean, now, in the past, not, uh, in the future. Why'd she go with the half-blood Voldemort's daughter story anyway?"

"Uh . . . I think it was so she could protect his real daughter. He'd kill his real daughter if he knew the prophecy. I'm gonna go through it and make her not a parselmouth, and less, uh, perfect, so it makes sense when you find out it's not, uh, she's not Voldemort's daughter."

Anne nodded. "All right, that's a good twist, I guess. I mean, this story is so full of twists it'll make anyone dizzy, but . . .well, it's your first fanfic. Fix this shit up, and in the next one, don't make it so fuckin' stupid. But I do like Lucretia's character much better now. Oh, and a little hint? All the random pairings and tension automatically dissolving into sex? Don't."

Raven pouted and shifted her weight onto her other foot. "Okay."

"And there really isn't a point in having an American transfer student. Anybody can go to Hogwarts, but I'm sure Americans prefer to keep their kids nearby. And it really isn't much basis for a plot. Keep 'em British or Scottish or Irish--you know, nearby areas. The thing with Lucretia moving to America and picking up an accent is okay, though, I guess, as long as you don't make her a Mary Sue."

Raven let out a little sigh, pouting slightly.

"So . . . What's the prophecy? The Voldemort's daughter prophecy."

Raven tilted her head, her long, black hair falling to the side. "Um . . . The child of the dark one shall bring ruin to his reign and kill him, or something like that."

"But we already have a prophecy saying Harry will. Mary Sue territory."

"That's why we're in the past, hello! We'll kill him before Harry's born. Duh."

"But you can't change the past. The timeline is already made. Like in _Prisoner of Azkaban_ anything you do you already did, so you'll just fail anyway."

She smirked. "Is that so?" Anne furrowed her eyebrows, not really liking her tone. Before she could say anything, Raven went on. "I thought you weren't from the real world, Anne? Isn't this kinda like proof you are?

Anne let out a sigh. "Fine. Whatever. Yeah, I'm from your real world. Get over it."

"Why are you here?"

"Because a fanfic was fucking up a world beyond belief and they needed someone to stop it. So they grabbed Kurt and me to make things better again. The spell must choose the closest person to the author, since we were next door at the time. So yeah, you snuck into my house, and yeah, you were gonna steal my Slytherin necklace which you couldn't find thank God. I'm here to stop you from imploding the world on itself. Great job on ruining your favourite character's lives."

Raven blinked a few times, stunned.

"Have fun rewriting shit," Anne grumbled, then stormed out of the Gryffindor common room, slamming the portrait shut behind her.

She barely made it a few feet when she saw Hermione walking towards her, head in the potions book , still writing fervently. Anne and Hermione both stopped. Hermione looked up from the book, then shouted, "Not my daughter you bitch!" Her eyebrows went crazy with that one.

Anne looked at the book suspiciously. "What exactly are you writing?"

"Better instructions on how to make potions, obviously. I already know how to do it, because it already happened. I just used Snape's mum's name and the half-blood thing so he'll think he did it."

Anne's mind went to a very bad place, as she imagined a horrible sight.

_Harry stared across at Hermione, who had just told Draco to run. Anger filled him, hot tears ran down his face, anger burning as was the fire that surrounded them. The orange light danced across Hermione's furious face. "Hermione, how could you! How could you! You killed him! Sectum--"_

"_No!" she shouted, then slashed her wand, knocking Harry aside. "How dare you use my own spells against me! It was I who invented them--I, the Half-Blood Prince!"_

"_Kill me then! Kill me like you killed him, you coward!"_

"_DON'T CALL ME COWARD!"_

"Oh God no," Anne muttered, then slapped the book out of Hermione's hand.

"What the hell is your problem?" Hermione screeched, eyebrows dancing across her face.

Anne turned around and hurried to the portrait, which was only a few feet away. "Bob!" she cried. NO way in hell would she allow _that_ to happen.

As she crawled into the portrait, she heard Hermione call from behind her; "You cannot imagine how he enflamed me, Harry!"

* * *

A/N—the effulgent poem belongs to whoever wrote the Buffy episode _Fool For Love._ In the comic book Asylum (a Spike centred comic) it states his last name is Pratt, and I think Joss has dubbed the comics canon.

Also, the Hermione/Emma Watson jokes are a reference to an IMDb message board post called "Scene-Stealer Hermione" and it's the funniest shit I've ever fucking read.


	21. Filler

Chapter 21: Filler

Kurt chuckled deeply. "Oi, Mulciber, come look at this one!" he shouted. Mulciber came running over to Kurt, who was checking out the wank magazine. Since it was a wizarding magazine, the pictures moved, so it was more like a portable porn movie. There was a black-haired woman masturbating, giving them come-hither eyes. "Damn she is fucking hot!" Kurt exclaimed.

"Hell yeah," Mulciber agreed. "They don't make 'em like that at Hogwarts."

Kurt's eyes lid away from the magazine and settled on Lily, who was sitting beside Snape on the couch. Snape was gazing at her longingly, and she was being completely oblivious to his obvious attraction to her. "I don't know, Lily's pretty hot," Kurt said, their eyes meeting. He winked at Lily and she furrowed her eyebrows, then scooted closer to Snape. Kurt frowned. What was that about?

"Evans is a mudblood. Don't see why Severus has to hang around her. Absolutely disgusting."

Kurt furrowed his eyebrows. "Mudblood?"

"It's like the wizarding world version of nigger. Except there's nothing wrong with black people--unless they're mudbloods, of course. You're pure, right?"

"Pure as the driven fuckin' snow but I ain't prejudiced man. Hot is hot; I don't care who their parents are. Unless they share my parents then they ain't hot."

"To keep blood pure, I don't see a damn thing wrong with marrying a cousin."

Kurt turned a completely disgusted expression towards Mulciber. "That's fucking sick. You do know that Voldemort's mum was inbred, right?"

"The Dark Lord is my hero! Are you dissing the Dark Lord?"

"Dude, his mum was a fucking ugly dog. Her eyes were crossed and she was a fuckin' squib. You don't want your fucking kids coming out looking like that. I ain't dissing Voldemort. Apparently he was a good lookin' guy before he got all . . . Er, noseless and shit. And he's obviously not a fuckin' squib. But yeah, you don't want your kid comin' out retarded, do ya? Besides, Snape's a half-blood and he's your friend. Come on. I'd rather be a half-blood then Merope fuckin' Gaunt."

"You're missing the entire point, Kurt." Mulciber jerked the magazine out of Kurt's hand and smirked at it. "I think I'm gonna go wank, if you don't mind. Don't bother me."

Kurt smirked evilly. He smacked Mulciber's arm playfully. "Bother," he said in a higher-pitched tone, mimicking the puppet Ron.

Mulciber just shook his head, then stalked off just as the portrait opened, and Anne walked in. She saw Lily and Snape on the ouch, scowled, then walked over to Kurt and stood beside him. "What's up?" she said with a grimace.

He hit her arm. "Bother."

She chuckled a little. "Yeah, okay."

"So where'd you go?" he asked, putting his hands in his robes pocket.

"The Gryffindor common room. I had to go fix some shit. We almost had Hermione as the Half-Blood Prince."

He let out a bark of laughter. "What a fuckin' bitch!" He glanced over at Snape and Lily for a second, and Lily was laughing, her green eyes sparkling. She nudged Snape with her shoulder, and he had a very faint blush on his cheeks. Kurt furrowed his brows. "Yeah, didn't really expect them bein' friends. I mean, he called her a fuckin' mudblood."

"Why do you think they stopped being friends?" she said, folding her arms.

Kurt looked at the two friends on the couch, then at his sister. "Dude, that fuckin' sucks. You know we can't change it, right?"

"Yeah, I know. Why I see it, that's okay. They won't be friends anymore, and I won't feel like such a bitch for hating her. Besides, when she's gone, I can flirt with him and we can keep developing that thing we were developing since we were engaged and all. And then when we get back in the future, all will be well."

"That's kinda selfish--waiting for the right time to pounce on him and all."

"Fuck off Kurt. If he's not best friends with Lily, then that's be opportunity. Besides, who the fuck are you to tell me what's right and wrong? You're hanging out with future Death Eaters! Besides, we can't just get married when we get back without loving each other! Hello! I'll be there for him when he's sad. And then we'll go back and our feelings will be developed.'

Kurt scoffed, but shrugged. "Yeah, okay, whatever, ya can't change anything, so you might as well use it."

"Exactly."

"So ya fixed the whole Hermione taking over the fandom shit?"

"Yep."

"Good, 'cause sorry, but if anyone's gonna be the Prince, it has to be Snape. Or Snape and Lily. Maybe she helped. Point is, ya can't have anyone but Snape be him. I mean, he's the one who goes on about how he can teach you how to bewitch the mind, ensnare the senses, bottle fame, brew glory, and even score hot babes," he drawled, mimicking the Snape puppet from Potter Puppet pals.

Anne chuckled and Kurt chuckled along with her. "Yeah, that's great. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape," she sang.

"Harry Potter! Harry Potter Harry Potter, ooh!" Kurt started dancing around, smacking his arms on his chest.

"Ron Weasley! Dumbledore!"

They continued singing until they noticed at Lily and Snape were staring at them as if they were crazy. They stopped singing out loud for a few minutes, then burst into laughter.

Snape stood slowly as did Lily, looking at the two of them warily. Kurt smiled at Anne, ran over to Snape, hit him in the arm, then said, "Bother!"

At this, Anne started laughing so hard she went weak in the knees, had to stumble over to the nearest chair, and hold onto the back of the chair to stay standing. Kurt kept poking Snape and yelling out, "Bother!" and Snape was trying to push him away, telling him to get off him and to stop immediately.

Finally Kurt ran over to Anne, laughing and wheezing for air, holding his sides. "My favourite part was when he stopped moving," he said in a breathy tone, voice broken with giggles every now and again.

They burst into a fit of giggles again.

* * *

"_It is I who created them--I, the Half-Blood Prince!" Hermione shouted, golden light dancing across her face just as wildly as her eyebrows._

_Harry yelled in anger, then he stopped in mid-yell. With his dark eyebrows furrowed, he turned to regard Snape, who was standing a few feet from Hermione. Snape shrugged at the Boy Who Lived. "Hey, I'm just as confused as yo uare."_

"_Which one of you killed Dumbledore?" Harry asked, jerking his wand back and forth between them. _

"_Don't look at me," Snape said, then raised a finger and pointed at Hermione._

"_Thanks, sir." He jerked his wand at Hermione. "Hermione! How could you? Why don't you kill me like you did him, coward!"_

"_DON'T CALL ME COWARD!" she screeched, raising her wand maliciously, but then Buckbeak swooped down. Hermione, with her amazing skills, fought Buckbeak off with a simple spell, sparing herself harm, then ran off, crying._

_Snape went over and thrust his hands into his robe pockets. "Do I sound that screechy?" he asked._

_Harry shook his head. "No. To be honest, it works much better with you. The whole thing. I mean, with Hermione, it's so forced. Besides, you don't do that thing with your eyebrows."_

"_Oh, you mean this?" He waggled them repeatedly._

_Harry nodded. "Yeah. Well, we've got to go tell everybody what happened. And find Dumbledore's body."_

"_We're strangely . . . Unaffected by this."_

"_Well, he was dying anyway, and he asked you . . . Um, Hermione . . . To kill him so Draco wouldn't have to." Harry shrugged. "Really, the other version makes so much more sense. But I'll make sure to carry some dittany for when Nagini attacks . . . Er, one of you."_

"_Don't worry about it. She'll fight Nagini off."_

_Harry nodded as they started walking. "Oh, no worries then. So . . . Are you gonna die, sir? I mean, you took the Unbreakable Vow . . ."_

"_No, that was Miss Granger. I have nothing to do with this."_

"_Oh. So . . . Is Lily's middle name going to be Hermione now? And what about Albus? Is his middle name still Severus?"_

_Snape gave Harry a very bemused expression. "You named your kid after me and Lily?"_

"_And James too."_

_Snape scoffed. "Prat."_

"_Well, Al had Mum's eyes, and . . . Well, considering the last thing you did was look at mine, I thought it made sense."_

_Snape nodded. "I suppose. But I was never in love with your mother."_

_Harry stopped walking and for a moment Snape didn't realize, but then he finally stopped and turned to look at him, confused at why he'd stopped. "Yes you were. I saw those memories."_

"_Yeah, those were Hermione's now. They threw in some, ah, racy scenes that never happened as well--I think it's to bring in more male audience members. From what I understand, they almost called it _Hermione Granger and the Brokeback Mountain Sequel: When It's Okay to be Gay._"_

_Harry looked impressed. "Ron will want a copy of that."_

Anne woke up, screaming. A few other girls--who were already getting dressed--looked at her in confusion. With a small blush, she explained with; "Nightmare."

* * *

"What do you mean Raven isn't here? I have to make sure she, uh . . . did something," Anne said, folding her arms, feeling a little uncomfortable talking to James.

James shrugged. "She's not here. She left last night, muttering something about Horcruxes."

Kurt kicked the wall beside the portrait in frustration. "Fuck! What the fuck? Stupid bitch!"

"Hey, that's my friend you're swearing at," James reprimanded, fixing the glasses on his nose into a more comfortable position.

Kurt turned and looked at him. "The fucking wall?"

"No, Raven." Kurt nodded in realization. "Well, I've got to go study with Remus. We've got OWL exams all week. Remus likes to study. Sirius and I are planning on winging it. Peter probably needs the help though." He rolled his eyes, then brushed passed them, leaving the portrait. A little fat kid followed them, smiling briefly at Anne. Anne smiled half-heartedly in return.

Then when the portrait shut, she showed him the back of her two first fingers. "Fuck you Wormtail." Obviously he didn't hear her since the portrait was shut, but it made Kurt laugh anyway.

"Oh, hey guys!" Lily said from behind them.

They both turned so they were looking at her instead of the portrait, and Kurt ran his hand through his fuzzy dark brown hair, and smiled at her suggestively. "Hey, Lily," he greeted in a more mature voice.

She flashed an awkward smile at him, then stood on the opposite side of Anne's should so she wasn't near him. "You two on your way to the Slytherin common room Sev and I are gonna study. You two are so lucky you're in sixth year."

Anne agreed dully.

"I just can't wait for these exams to be over. Sev promised to take me out on a celebratory dinner just after. It'll be great. I told him he didn't' need to--he isn't, um . . . Well, he has a few money problems, but he insisted. He's the best friend anyone could ever have . . . Well, I mean, except for the fact he hangs out with Mulciber and his crew of future . . . Death Eaters. No offence, Kurt."

"Just 'cause he's a wannabe wizard skin-head fucking Heil Hitler Nazi dick doesn't mean I am. I ain't gotta problem with mudbloods. They're tight."

"Well then you should start showing that by saying muggleborn," Lily said through clenched teeth.

Kurt rolled his eyes. "It ain't nothin' to be ashamed off." Off of both Lily and Anne's glare, he shrugged. "But I'll stop sayin' it."

"Good. But I'm excited to get the exams over. Sometimes, though . . . Sev seems a little . . . I don't know, depressed. Not that he's an overly cheery person, but sometimes he just . . . Well, he acts . . . different." She furrowed her eyebrows in thought, and Anne smiled at her. Anne knew that, at those moments, he was fully aware of their situation.

"Well, then, we best get you to the common room to study," Anne said, giving her brother a saddened look. Kurt understood the expression immediately, and nodded sadly.

Lily left the common room first. "Still lookin' forward to them breakin' up so you can pounce on little Sev?" he asked in a clipped tone, obviously angry at the fact she'd thought of it.

Anne furrowed her eyebrows. "I'm the worst person on this fucking planet."

"No. You're a Slytherin."

"As are you."

"And Bellatrix Lestrange ain't in Azkaban yet, is she?"


	22. Superhero!

**Chapter 22: Superhero!**

Anne looked across the Slytherin common room, and found herself wondering if the scene before her was canon, or not. It seemed so . . . real, like it could have been canon, but given her current predicament, she wasn't sure. It was heart-wrenching, to say the least. Apparently, she was not a Lily/Snape shipper . . . Not only because she was suddenly jealous of the red-headed with (although she had proclaimed to respect her dearly until she had come face-to-face with her) but because it was just too painful to see the one-sided love in a friendship that could have become something more had Snape not decided to be a Death Eater.

Someone had a wireless, and was listening too the WWN, or whatever it was called. Lily was in the common room, as she often was, dancing around to the music, giggling, while Snape watched her from afar. Anne had to admit it was beautiful, the way Lily's red hair flounced around her face, getting stuck in her mouth, obscuring her eyes sometimes, while she laughed and moved around with no particular amount of grace or amazement. Just . . . Moved. She wasn't a horrible dancer, she wasn't an amazing one, it was just a cute, fun little moment of her enjoying a song she liked.

And Snape looked on wistfully.

It was the morning of the Defence Against the Dark Arts OWL exam. Lily and Snape had spent the night before studying, and she had stayed over, sleeping on the couch while Snape slept in the chair. Anne was a bit of an insomniac and had left the dormitory with plans of waltzing about the castle (apparently, nobody ever got caught sneaking around unless that person was named Harry Potter, or if it was a student and being caught would heighten sexual tension) seeing as Anne, the previous night, had blatantly walked in front of McGonagall and waved her arms in front of her to test her theory out. She remembered that, in fanfic (sometimes even in her own) detention was only used as a plot device. Seeing as having detention with McGonagall would serve no plot purpose or sexual tension, she'd gone unnoticed. As she had walked through the common room she saw the two of them sleeping, and it made her feel horrible.

Anne was extremely tired, seeing as she was not a morning person, but when she realized what day it was, she was unable to make herself sleep--no matter how tired she was. It wasn't that she didn't want to sleep, she just couldn't.

Lily grabbed Snape's wrists and pulled him out of the chair. Snape looked around nervously and his body stiffened. Lily laughed loudly and said something Anne didn't hear, probably trying to coax Snape into dancing with her. Snape made an odd jerky movement, Lily chuckled, and he pulled his hands free of hers and shook his head, turning a bright shade of red.

Snape's black eyes moved away from Lily and found Anne. Anne must have looked rather like she felt, because Snape looked worried. He said something to Lily, then left her dancing alone. He came over to Anne and stepped close to her, almost invading her personal space. Not that she minded; it was Severus Snape, after all.

"Are you all right?" he asked, looking her over.

"Why?" she inquired, feeling a little self-conscious.

"You look . . . ill."

"Do you remember?"

He furrowed his eyebrows. "Remember what? Did you come down with a flu recently?" So he wasn't aware at the moment then.

Anne shrugged. "Just a little. But I didn't expect you to, ah, remember me telling you that."

"When I met you a few days ago, you had a Time Turner at your feet. You, your brother, and that horrid little Potter sycophant, were all standing by it."

"Er . . . Yeah."

"Do you know me in the future?" he asked, tilting his head to the side.

"Yes," she answered.

He looked her over. "Tonight, after the OWL exams, I am taking Lily out for dinner." Anne cringed a little. She remembered Lily telling her the previous night that he was taking her to a celebratory dinner. She didn't see how this had anything to do with her Time Turner. "I plan on . . . Telling her how I feel. Asking her to be my girlfriend, as it were. Did it . . . I mean, does it work?"

Her stomach plummeted. What the hell was she supposed to say? Now, Anne was actually quite a good liar. Generally, people who write stories are. But that wasn't the issue. She just didn't know if she should lie. If she said yes, that would give him false hope. If she said no, then wouldn't that screw up the timeline?

"Er . . . If I tell you that, what if it screws everything up?"

He looked her over. "I doubt that a simple yes or no could destroy a timeline in this instance."

"It could. If you do end up together and I tell you that, it could, um, over-inflate your confidence and make you come off as an arrogant, er, toe rag, or whatever it is she calls James, and if you don't and I say no, it could, I don't know, depress you."

"So either answer you give me will result in us not being together."

"Maybe, yeah," she muttered, shifting her weight onto her other foot.

"Which indicates that you want us together, seeing as you want to prevent . . . er, that."

Anne nodded. Even if she was jealous of Lily, she could not deny that she would have been exceedingly happy if they had gotten together and not fallen apart. "Sure."

"And you were staring off at us with a sickened expression . . . So, the fact you stared at us like that means we don't."

Anne felt her heart stop and the world disappear underneath her feet. "What? Look, I . . . I have feelings for you. Even in the future. But . . . But you don't have feelings for me, so I do get jealous sometimes. I'm sure whatever look I gave you was just that. Plus, er, the flu bit. That I mentioned I had earlier."

"So . . . The look was jealousy?" She opened her mouth to answer, but she wasn't sure what answer she was about to give, then she saw him smile widely. "So that means we do!"

Now she felt even worse. Why did he have to notice the Time Turner? Why did the author choose now to suddenly become somewhat good and make Snape characteristically intelligent? Couldn't she have made him randomly unobservant just in that one instance?

She reached forward to say something, anything, like good luck, or for him to forget what just happened, or that her look of jealousy could possible have nothing to do with anything time-related. He grabbed her face and kissed her briefly, then wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug. Anne's arms were sticking in the air, uncertain as to whether she should hug him back or push him away. What the hell was he doing? This was very unlike him. What the hell was the author trying to accomplish?

Then she saw Lily. Since Snape's back was facing her, he couldn't' see her, but Anne could, very well, in fact. And Lily looked extremely jealous. She stared at them like her world had imploded.

"Thanks for telling me," Snape said, his happiness apparent in his voice.

And Anne suddenly understood. The author threw this in to show Lily's jealousy at Snape showing affection towards someone else.

And possibly to get Lily to hate Anne, since Anne knew the author absolutely hated her too, and would therefore want every likeable character in canon to hate her. Anne suddenly realized that Snape, too, would eventually grow to hate her, seeing as he was under the assumption that they were going to get together, and when they had their falling out later that day, would think Anne lied to him.

The only reason Anne figured this out was because she had used these devices too, maybe in a less obvious way, or perhaps in a blatantly obvious manner. She had written several horrible Mary Sue fics herself, so it wasn't like this was new territory for her.

She pulled away from Snape and gently pushed him aside. "Er . . . Yeah, um . . . I've gotta go . . . Tell my brother I'm, er . . . busy, if he asks."

Snape nodded, too euphoric to notice that his ecstatic, and uncharacteristic, kiss and hug had obviously bugged her. He turned back to Lily and walked over to her, automatically starting a conversation. Lily glared at Anne briefly, before talking to her best friend.

Anne bolted from the common room, determined to find Raven.

She made it all the way to the Gryffindor common room, breathless, a stitch her side--really, Anne wasn't that athletic, so she had basically jogged in an embarrassing fashion, and she was still tired--and shouted "Bob!" when she got the portrait. It swung aside, and she stepped in, wheezing.

She was awarded with the visual of Sirius and Lucretia shagging. Lucretia was bent over the couch and Sirius was ploughing into her from behind. The rest of the common room was empty--it was rather early in the morning, Lily and Snape had been the only ones up in Slytherin house besides her--and the only source of light was coming from the fireplace.

"Oh--my--fuck--yes--God--holy--omigod, oh please, right there--" Lucretia gasped, then suddenly let out a loud moan, shuddering, crying out in orgasmic bliss, while Sirius grunted loudly and kept slamming into her although she was arching and gasping with orgasm, until he let out a loud grunt and thrust into her one final time.

Despite the fact that Anne had never really been a fan of Sirius, she found herself suddenly aroused at what she had just seen.

That's when Sirius pulled out of her, his cock enormous. His meaty ten-incher, this triumphant veiny mother fucker, was attached to Sirius Black.

Anne's eyes went directly to his penis.

"Oh shit, sorry!" Lucretia suddenly exclaimed, pushing her robes down so as to cover her body. She'd just had her robes pushed up over her hips as Sirius shagged her.

Anne realized a second later that Lucretia has apologized to her, and that they were more than aware of the fact Anne had been gaping at Sirius' manhood. Anne closed her mouth, which she hadn't known was open until she closed it.

"Oh . . . Yeah, sorry . . . I just . . . Needed to talk to Raven, is she back yet?"

"Nope, she's been gone for quite awhile," Sirius exclaimed, calmly grabbing his boxers and putting it on. Then again, she figured that most men who had that size of a penis probably wouldn't be embarrassed to show it off, either. He smirked at her. "Is it all right if I put on my boxers? Or do you still wanna look at my morning glory?"

Anne blinked a few times. "Oh, no, sorry, it's just, er . . . Well, yeah. I'm done."

Sirius smirked, then put his boxers on, walking off in the other direction. Anne walked over to Lucretia, glancing at Sirius to make sure he didn't' overhear. "How the fuck does that fit in you?" she asked.

Lucretia shrugged. "It hurt like a motherfucker the first, like, twenty times, but my vagina sorta stretched out. I can handle it pretty well now. There are times, though, when I'm like 'ow, that's my fucking cervix buddy, we don't want to impale my intestines' but, well, it feels fuckin' great most of the time."

"Oh . . . Okay . . . Sure . . ." Anne rubbed the back of her neck. "I'd best be going now," she muttered.

"All right. I'll tell Raven, if I see her, that you were looking for her."

Anne turned around and left the common room. She was hurrying as quick as she could without actually jogging down to the Slytherin common room, with every intent on telling her brother she wondered if Sirius Black was actually Ron Jeremy in disguise, and his little Azkaban stint had just been a lie to cover-up that he was pretending to be the most hideous, gopher-looking porn-star in existence.

But in her hurry to get there, she wasn't paying attention very well, and she turned a corner, and bumped into something so hard she fell flat on her bum.

Thirty seconds ago, Anne would have said that Sirius's ten-incher was the biggest dick she had ever seen. But when she looked up at what she had bumped into, she saw that in the span of half a minute, she'd been proved wrong.

She'd walked, headlong, in a six-foot tall walking penis.

"Penis Man?" she exclaimed.

* * *

Kurt didn't' really want to wake up, but Mulciber had came running into his room and yanked his blankets off of him. "What the fuck Mulciber! I'm trying to fuckin' sleep! Just 'cause you have OWL exams doesn't mean everyone fuckin' does! I'm a fucking sixth year! Goddammit!"

"I've got Felix Felicis! I'm gonna take it, come on! Come take it with me, I've never done it before!"

"Isn't that shit illegal during test taking?" Kurt asked, slowly sitting up.

"They don't take piss tests, dumbass, like I'd take it otherwise."

Kurt shrugged. "All right, cool. Long as you don't get caught. Can I have some?"

"Like I'm gonna take it all by myself! If I get fucked over, so do you. Come on."

They both left the dormitory, and when they got into the common room, Kurt saw Lily and Snape dancing. Well, more like Lily was dancing and Snape was standing there, looking awkward and flushed.

"Hey, er . . . What OWL is it today?" he asked, taking the little vial of gold potion that Mulciber handed to him.

"Defence Against the Dark Arts, why?"

Kurt frowned a little, realizing what was going to happen later that day. "Never mind." He uncorked the vial and watched as Mulciber down the whole thing. He went to drink it, when a cheery tune filled the air loudly. Kurt listened for a second, then chuckled. _"Dragon Tales? _Who the fuck is listening to that shit?"

Then, to the tune of _Dragon Tales_ came the words that Kurt felt embarrassed to know, and he was going to kill his sister the next time he saw her.

_**Penis Man, Penis Man**_

_**He can do whatever a penis can**_

_**He thrusts!**_

_**He pulses with pleasure!**_

_**He hardens!**_

The portrait door swung open and a penis walked in. He used his testicles as feet. Lily and Snape stopped dancing and stared at the giant penis. "I am Penis Man™ and I have come (no pun intended) to help you defeat Voldemort! I shall shoot him with my Cum of Doom™ and Mushroom Print™ him until he surrenders, and I'll even do the Teabag of Justice™ if I have to! Let's just hope that he's easier to defeat than my arch-nemesis Chlymiditron™! I had to do the dread Donkey Punch™ and Snowball Smack™ in order to send him to Condom County™ with my other enemies, Syphilia™ and Vasectoman™." He then laughed proudly. He swung his head down, using the hole at the top to peer at Lily with--which served as both an eye and a mouth. "Well hello there, young lady!" Snape stood in front of Lily protectively, pointing his wand at the giant cock.

Just then, Anne charged into the common room and stared at him. "Penis man™! It's Chlymiditron™! He has escaped and is wreaking havoc on Abstinence Lane™! Hurry, before it's too late!" she cried dramatically.

At that, he swung around and looked at Anne. He nodded once, then ran out of the common room.

"What the _fuck_ just happened?" Snape exclaimed, lowering his wand, but still standing in front of his best friend.

"Wow, I think this shit just kicked in," Mulciber said, nodding at the empty vial.

Kurt, however, corked his vial again and stuffed it into his robes. He ran over to Anne, grabbed her arm, and pulled her aside. Anne was laughing hysterically. "What the hell, Anne ?Why is your fucking dumbass embarrassing superhero randomly appearing in Hogwarts?"

"I don't know, but that was fucking classic! It's a good thing I made him overly cocky--" She let loose a fit of giggles. "That's pretty good. God, that was the oddest thing ever! I haven't talked about him since I was fifteen. Anyway, I don't know how he got here, 'cause the author wouldn't know about it. Oh, wait . . . She's Justin's cousin. We told him. He's probably trolling her shit."

"Yes, well, that's fucking great, but that only makes this world more non-canon, and means we'll be stuck here longer."

"You didn't mind the non-canon bits at all when you were getting fucked by Bellatrix, did you?" Anne snapped, narrowing her eyes at him.

Kurt sighed. "Whatever. Anyway, you planning on pouncing on Sevvie-poo today? It's best to start now, so that right after the fact he'll have someone to go to and bitch to, so when you get into the future, you'll actually have a relationship."

Anne sighed. "Yeah. That is, if he isn't fucking pissed. Stupid author."

"Wait, huh? Justin?"

"Yeah, he's her cousin. Sometimes she leaves he account on and he trolls it. Once, Snape and I were dancing--or, well, eh was dancing, I was sorta just letting him or whatever--then he made this funny little parody thing on that Garth brooks song. It was funny. Anyway, she's visiting him."

"So, this is Susan we're talking about?"

"What?" she asked.

"Susan. She's, like . . . She's twelve. She's pretty hot, I mean, for a twelve-year-old. I'm fifteen, though, so it's okay for me to say that. Well, sixteen in this world. I've seen pictures of her. Yeah, she's got this weird obsession with Emilio Estevez. Justin told me she wrote this one fanfic were Spike from Buffy was actually Billy the Kid, you know, William the Bloody, William, Billy. Her screen name is, uh . . . "He took out his wand and wrote it in the air.

xXxBillyTheBloodyKidxXx

"Why on earth do you know that?"

"'Cause I wanted to read that fanfic. Spike being Billy the Kid sounded pretty cool, except for the fact Billy the Kid was American. She made him British. And she named him William H. Bonney, which most people think was his real name, _and_ she had him die in like 1874 or somethin' which is bloody stupid since Billy the Kid died--or, supposedly died--in 1881. Oh, and he also had a sister. Named Susan. Just like her. I was mad, so I sent a review, I was like, if you're gonna fuckin' write about Billy the Kid, at least make the facts fuckin' right! Shit."

"Wait . . . So . . . What was his real name, then?"

"Henry McCartney. Most people don't know that. You know, I didn't think anyone could fuck out any outlaw worse than _American Outlaws_ fucked up Jesse James and made him into this cute, lovable, charming young man instead of the sociopath crazy mother fucker he really was. Then she went and ruined Billy the Kid for me. Get it? Billy the _Bloody_ Kid, like William the Bloody. She thinks she's so fucking clever." He rolled his eyes.

"Oh, okay."

"So why would Snape hate you? I mean, it's not your fault he went and called her a mudblood."

"No but today he told me he knew I was from the future and then he asked if we got together and I told him I couldn't say anything because it might fuck up the timeline and he somehow thought that meant they ended up together so when they don't he'll think I was setting him up for disappointment or some shit."

Kurt looked down at the bottle in his hadn, the nsmirked. "Does this shit get you high at all? You mentioned it to me once, something about luck . . . We never got that far in the book, though."

"What?" he showed her the bottle filled with golden potion. "Oh, Felix Felicis? No, it doesn't get you high, just lucky. I told you that when I tried to explain that random joke I said that everyone got but you, remember? God ,that was so fucking funny, what did I say man I wish I could remember, that was like perfect timing . . . What the hell did I say?"

"Well I don't' need it. If I don't' see shit, I don't' care. Here, you have it. Drink it, and then he won't hate you, and he'll be pouncing on you by the end of the day if you're lucky . . . Which you will be." He thrust it into her hand.

Anne smiled at him. "Thanks, Kurt."

He shrugged. "No problem."

* * *

A/N--xXxBillyTheBloodyKidxXx is a name I made up, so if someone out there has a similar penname, that is enitrely coincidence.

I might even make a profile for her and post all the horrible Mary Sue stories I used to write, just so I can look back on them and read the horrible reviews, and point you to them so that you know just what I'm making fun of . . . since I am really parodying my own shit . . .

You know what? You should totally review. In order to get the next chapter, I must get at least one review! Hahahaha! Just kidding, I don't hold chapters hostage. But really, I only have like one reviewer anyway.


	23. Interview With A Suethor

**Chapter 23: Interview With A Suethor**

So, today I was granted a very personal and very exclusive interview with the infamous xXxBillytheBloodyKidxXx who is known for posting very controversial fanfiction that has been known to inspire hate and love all in one. Bloody Kid, as I like to call her, has seen at first hand what it's like to be flamed. What is even more intriguing about her is the way she goes about responding to said flames. It makes you wonder what goes on in that head of hers. For the first time, we will get to see a side of the infamous author that has never been seen before as we talk about her current concoction, "Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince Goes to Hogwarts in Harry Potter Land."

AS: Hello, Bloody Kid, my name is Autumn Spring, and I'll be asking you a couple of questions today about your fanfiction and the creative writing process in general. I wanted to start off by asking you what was it that inspired you to start writing.

BK: I don't know I was just reading DH and I was like, "Uh Sorry JKR but not your best work! I mean, I'm just twelve and I can write better than that!" (scoffs) Plus I always liked reading fanfic.

AS: That's as good as any reason I suppose. What sparked the idea for "Raven Ebony Persephone Perdita Prince Goes to Hogwarts in Harry Potter Land"? And what is up with that title? And how did you come up with your penname, xXxBillyTheBloodyKidxXx?

BK: Er, well, I've never been good at titles. I don't know, I guess I always wondered what it would be like if I went to Hogwarts, with my knowledge and stuff. I just thought it would be interesting, you know--being sucked into that world, see how I would react. I got my penname because I love Billy the Kid, you know, in _Young Guns_ he is sooo hot! I love him! Also, like William the Bloody, Billy the Bloody, so it's a mix of Spike and Billy the Kid, cuz I love them a lot!

AS: So Raven is based off of you then?

BK: Yeah. That's what I look like. And act like. I mean I don't have special powers or anything.

AS: And Lucretia? Who was see based off of? And why did you choose to make Snape fall in love with her so quickly? That's a bit cliché if you wanna know the truth. Snape isn't just the type to fall head over heels in love with some one that fast.

BK: Um . . . (scratches head) Well yeah she is kinda me I guess. But, you know, she looks different. It might get confusing to describe two people who look the same. Originally she was Voldie's daughter, but I changed my mind obviously, but I think I made it work . . . you know, her mom lying and stuff . . . but I kinda wanted to be with Snape too, 'cause he's my fave character. Oh and he fell in love with Lily like the first time he saw her. So it's not too fast.

AS: Well…alright if you insist. How about the sudden appearance of Anne and Kurt? You said you had no idea where that came from. Perhaps some one is breaking into your account and rewriting them in for you.

BK: No, no, I actually wrote them. But it was like my fingers were typing on their own. Have you ever been writing something and it just flows from you, like you have no control? Well . . . actually it does make sense why now, though . . . but um I can't really explain that. It's weird. (clears throat) They just popped out of my head I guess. There are reasons for it, I understand that now I guess. (shifts in seat)But my cousin did troll my account once! He did that weird version of "the Dance" by Garth Brooks, and the Penis Man thing. He's British.

AS: I noticed (mutters so that no one can hear what is being said) I think he writes loads better than you could ever hope. (Clears throat meaningfully) I also noticed that Raven has a distinct dislike for preps. But I give you this: Hogwarts is a Boarding School and therefore a Prep school and since Raven is now a student wouldn't that make her a prep?

BK: What was that you muttered? I didn't hear you . . . oh, um, huh? prep? Hermione isn't preppy. Bitchy and bossy yes, but not preppy. Snape isn't preppy. I didn't mean prep school. Huh? I guess I don't get what you're saying.

AS: I have paranoid schizophrenia, I'm just trying to get the voices to quiet down, so pay no attention (Raises voice) NO YOU EAT THE FUCKING HOTDOG IF YOU WANT IT SO BAD! IT'S BEEN SITTING OUT FOR DAYS! (Lowers voice) Sorry about that. Anyway, what's so bad about preps any way? They aren't any different from a goth or emo person if you look at the bigger picture.

BK: Uh yes they are. Preps are all sheltered fucking fascists who think they can tell you how to act and dress, and they all act like they're better than the rest of the fucking planet. Emos and Goths are deep and know what real pain is. What the hell? (looks at me, notices I am wearing pink, my favorite color) Oh fuck I'm being interviewed by a prep. Listen, skank, just 'cause you like to suck all that dick and get cum up in your brain doesn't mean you know shit about anything! You don't know what it's like to have hard life like us emos and goths. How the fuck are you similar to us? (gestures wildly throughout her monologue, making me wonder if she's having a seizure. I'm starting to wonder if I should call an ambulance…)

AS: I just like the color pink. That doesn't make me a prep. Emo and Goth kids are usually the products of middle class families who are just bored and have nothing to complain about so they find something to complain about. Goth kids and Emo kids can be sluts and whores too. You can't just look at the way a person dresses and automatically assume that they're promiscuous and hateful. And how exactly is cutting yourself for attention any better than being a complete hobiscuit anyway? (Bloody Kid has calmed down a bit, so I drop the hypodermic needle filled with tranquilizer which I have hidden behind my back.)

BK: How dare you insinuate . . . what's that behind your back? (peers questioningly) UH, where was I? I don't judge people by their clothes--I'm goth/emo! Obviously I don't do that. It's you preps that do it, and . . . what the hell is that behind your back? (peers again) Anyway . . . and I cut myself because I have real pain. My mom wouldn't let me go to an ICP concert by myself. What a bitch. And I show people my cuts because I want them to know that they don't have nearly as bad a life as I do so they'll stop complaining about dumb shit.

AS: It's nothing (gazes sympathetically at Bloody Kid) Oh and I'm soooo sorry about the ICP concert. Yes, people who have real problems really do need to suck it up and such. Anyway, why did Raven save Kurt? And will there be a romance between them? They did make out at the Halloween Ball. And by the way, since when does Hogwarts have a Halloween Ball? They had a Yule Ball but only because of the Tri-Wizard Tournament . What inspired that one?

BK: Ewwww gross Raven/Kurt? That's so . . . gross! (shifts uncomfortably in seat) Besides I'm only twelve! I'll be thirteen soon yeah, but he's sixteen--wait, fifteen huh, 'cause of that weird rule? You know the zodiac rule. As for why Raven saved him . . . I don't know . . . well even if he is a dickhead, Anne really flipped out. I've never seen that before. Besides, he didn't deserve to die. For the Halloween ball, I just wanted an excuse to dress up as Catwoman. And I thought hit would be funny to have Sirius dress as Dracula! (laughs wildly at her own joke, though I don't get what's so funny)

AS: Right…(At this point I'm slightly weary and am just wanting to get out of here)So will you spill some secrets for us? How will the story end?

BK: um yeah well i can't really tell you any of that but let's just say that the timeline might not be as secure as anne thinks it is.

AS: Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see won't we? Before we go, what's your favorite and least favorite pairing?

BK: My favorite pairins are probably draco/oc snape/oc and harry/oc. my least favourite is anything slash, cuz being gay is gross, but I wrote it for that Ashes Falling girl, and I really don't like anything with hermione cuz she is bossy and bitchy and I hate harry/ginny

AS: Thank you for your time! (mutters) You complete idiot.

BK: Okay, see you later!

* * *

Anne was lounging about outside, feeling absolutely horrible. She fingered the vial of gold coloured potion, sighing. She glanced over at the lake. Lily and a group of girls were near the water's edge, playing with the squid, tickling its tentacles, and splashing the water. She knew that at any moment, the Marauders would come out and then Snape would follow . . . Then he would be humiliated, and lose Lily when he called her a mudblood. And she had to let him.

But, then that meant she could be there to comfort Snape, and then they could fall in love. She really loved Snape and there was nothing she could do, so she might as well do something to her advantage . . . Unless he got bitchy at her because he had it in his head that she'd told him that he and Lily ended up together.

She got a smirk on her face. She glanced down at Felix Felicis. If she drank that, then everything would go according to plan. With the extra luck the potion made, she could very well have Snape eating out of the palm of her hand, so when they got back into the future their little marriage law problem wouldn't be an issue anymore.

The fact that she was using this situation to her advantage made her feel a little bad, but what else could she do? Just sit and mope?

When she saw the Marauders walk to the lake's edge, she downed the vial of Felix Felicis. She watched as James played with the Snitch and talked with Sirius, and how Lupin read from his book, and how Peter clapped at every catch James made. She watched as Snape sat in the bushes, looking over his OWL papers.

She felt that sick sense of foreboding as she stood, getting ready to bolt after Snape and comfort him. "You can get him to like you, you can get him to like you," she chanted, as a way of preventing herself from chasing down the Marauders and hexing them before anything happened. "Comfort him, Anne, comfort him, then everything will be fine . . ."

Snape stood up from the bushes and started walking back towards the school, just as the Marauders followed. "Hey, Snivellus!"

"Fuck it," she muttered. "Impedimenta!" she shouted.

Luckily, the spell hit the three of them (since Lupin was by the tree reading) and they flew backwards into the lake. Snape had turned to look at them, raising his wand, but now he looked at Anne questioningly.

Just then, Raven came running towards Anne, waving her hands. "Anne! Anne! Come on, grab Kurt and let's go!"

"What?" Anne asked, just as Raven slowed to a stop. "I shouldn't have been able to do that. You can't mess up that timeline, not in HP . . . Can you?"

Raven skidded to a stop in front of Anne. "Where's you brother?"

"He'll be here in a minute," Anne said, looking Raven over. "What the fuck are you all excited about?"

"I got all the horcruxes! See, 'cause Harry wasn't a horcrux yet, and neither was Nagini! So I did it like way easily, 'cause I'm a parselmouth, 'cause guess what? I'm really Voldemort's daughter--Lucretia just lied about it in the future to protect me!" she exclaimed cheerily.

"Er, but what about the one in Bellatrix's vault? Did you break in like Harry?" she asked, watching as the three Marauders pulled themselves out of the lake.

"No, but I noticed that Bellatrix does everything to please Voldemort, who she loves! So I slipped her amortentia and she fell in love with me and since she does everything for the person she loves she gave me the Hufflepuff goblets! I'm sure she'll be pissed all the fucking hell when it wears off, but whatever."

Kurt chose that moment to show up, looking a little bewildered. He nodded towards Snape and Lily. Lily was now talking to Snape, and Snape was gesturing towards the wet marauders and Anne. He was, undoubtedly, telling her that Anne had cursed them before they managed to tease him, as they had so obviously been about to do.

"Anne saved Snape."

"Dude, you fucked up the timeline bad," he muttered.

Anne should have felt worried, but strangely, she wasn't. "I know. I figured I'd rather see him happy with Lily than try and get him to fall for me, Felix or not." She shrugged.

Just then, someone came up behind Anne and grabbed her shoulder. She expected it to be a teacher asking her why she had cursed three boys for now particular reason, but when she saw Raven's fearful face and Kurt's lustful look of appreciation, she knew who it was before she turned around.

"Hi, Bella," she greeted. Bellatrix was younger, more beautiful than before--seeing as she had yet to go to Azkaban. Of course, she was in her twenties, so she was a bit older than they were, but she did not have the hollow, hardened look about her that she'd had in the future.

Bellatrix looked at her, appearing nostalgic. "Wait . . . You and him, you're from . . . You're helping us . . ." she whispered quietly, just as Kurt came up beside her and wrapped his arm around her waist. Even though she had killed him and Tonks, apparently he didn't mind. Either that, or he forgot. Well, technically, she hadn't done it yet. So maybe he didn't care because of that reason.

"Yeah, remember us now?"

"And you! You took my master's goblets!" she shrieked, then grabbed Raven.

Despite the laws of canon, she then Disapparated, although they were on Hogwarts grounds.

She found herself in a dungeon-like area. Raven pulled away from Bellatrix and raised her wand, but then magical cuffs appeared around her wrists and chained her to the wall behind her. Raven's head smacked against the brick and she let out a painful grunt. Anne and Kurt stood beside each other, with Kurt's arm around Bellatrix's waist.

"Is this the little bitch that took them?" he asked, his red eye gleaming in the direction of Raven.

"Yes, master," Bellatrix said, heaving with lustful sighs.

He went over to Raven, his black cloak billowing behind him like smoke in the wind. He pointed his wand directly between Ravens' forehead, and he laughed a mirthless laugh. "Oh, Raven, my child . . . My lovely child . . ."

"What? How did you know?"

"Did you forget that I have spell to go into your original world? How do you think I retrieved Anne and Kurt to stop you?" Bellatrix laughed shrilly and Anne suddenly felt a cold prickle of fear run down her spine. She wanted to do something to help Raven, but she knew somehow that it would not work to do anything at the present moment. She just felt like standing there and doing nothing was the best course of action.

"Well you're fucked! Because I am your heir, you daughter, I can speak parselmouth! I know what you did! I know you used polyjuice potion to look like Snape and have sex with that muggle girl, then you confunded Snape so he thought it really happened!"

"No no, my darling. You see, while I was in your world, I started an account on that fanfic site you write on. The Pit of Voles, as it is sometimes called. And I studied Mary Sues, my darling. Oh, yes, I did. I read Pottersues, I read wikipedia, and I wrote a few fanfics myself--in which I won, naturally. I got a handful of flames, upset mainly because I, Lord Voldemort, won in my fics. However, I got many good reviews explaing that I kept everyone in character and that my plot was amazing. And do you want to know what my account was, my dear xXxBillyTheBloodyKidxXx?"

For some reason, Raven looked absolutely terrified, but Anne had no idea why.

"My penname, my dear, was Autumn Spring." Raven gasped melodramatically and Voldemort laughed evilly, his voice echoing through the dungeon. Bellatrix pulled away from Kurt, eyes intent on her master, wide with adoration. "That's right, love. When I contracted Chlamydia from Lucius, I realized that you were more of a nuisance than I originally thought, so I used that spell and followed your fanfic faithfully . . . I lurked it ,as it were, taking notes . . . And when I felt ready to move on with my plan, I asked to interview you.

"You were far more annoying than I anticipated, but whilst I was interviewing you, I used a tactic similar to the one I used in my diary to possess Ginny Weasley. I used the fact you were opening up to me, answering my question, as well as the internet connection, to perform a sort of legilimency . . . And read everything you typed as you types it . . . Including the password onto your account."

"You're writing this?" she asked, and Anne had to admit that was a frightening thought.

"No, I wanted to actually be here as I killed you. So I returned here, but remembered you were in this time, so I made a special time turner that can travel in years or hours or weeks, just like the one you used." He pulled the time turner out, and dangled it in front of her, then stuffed it back in his robes. "But unlike you, I was smart enough to put an Unbreakable Charm on it. I then went back in time, an eventually I will return to your world and wreak havoc on it. Anyway, I trolled just one chapter, because as I studied Mary Sues in the Harry Potter universe, I realized that Sues only have one weakness, one thing they cannot always win against . . . And that, my dear, is another Sue. To be more specific, a Voldemort!Sue.

"And in that chapter I trolled, I wrote that you were in fact my daughter, and that Bellatrix was your mother, and in order to keep this secret, we made you think you were Snape's instead. Snape, the spy, will be the next to die . . . But not until I turn you into a horcrux, my love."

"What? Why me?"

"Don't you understand? You are my child! To be my child and my horcrux, you would become me. Or at least, that's what I wrote in that chapter I trolled . . . Another me. A _clone_ of me, to put in your original world. I would not only take control of this world, but yours as well!"

"And whose death are you going to use, you fucking bastard?" Raven shrieked.

Luckily for her, it was not Anne or Kurt.

Voldemort snapped his fingers, and a young Lucius Malfoy walked into the dungeon, holding a girl roughly by the hair and forcing he to come into the room. She was thin with high, delicate cheekbones and green eye so light they were almost yellow, although not in a creepy way. "Get the fuck off me you stupid cunt!" she yelled, thrashing about while he held her hair tighter.

"What the hell? Carrie?" Anne asked, surprised all to fuck.

"Whoa, Anne?" She stopped struggling for a moment, then laughed a bit. "This is that fucking story isn't it! Goddammit! I knew you trying to stop the world from being canon-raped all to shit!"

"Who the fuck is that?" Raven asked.

"The reviewer you hate the most, my dear--eyesuhkatspeleeng. And her death will make you my horcrux."

"Not so fast, Voldie," Carried said, laughing. "You say you trolled her shit? Well so did her cousin. Remember? Do you remember Penis Man™?"

"Yes," he asked, pointing his wand at her.

Luckily, a giant penis pounded into the dungeons, his large testicles sliding across the floor when he skidded to a stop.

"And you know there has to be Vaginagirl™ to balance that out."

Just then, a giant vagina came waltzing in, and stood beside Penis Man™.

"But Carrie, you're Vaginagirl™ how are you not changing right now?"

"I'm just like you and from our world. And I didn't get a chance to give myself powers. But since Penis Man™ was here, according to logic so was she. They don't go anywhere without each other. It's canon."

Suddenly, Vaginagirl™ and Penis Man™ started fighting off both Bellatrix and Voldemort, using the Cum of Doom™ and even the dreaded Donkey Punch™ which was still no match for Vaginagirl's™ Laser Clit™ or Spicy Buffalo Wing Finger Bang™ which was just as painful as it sounded, if not more so.

Vaginagirl™ would like to take this time to make a public service announcement. Do not forget to wipe you fingers clean of spicy buffalo wing sauce before masturbation.

Anne, Kurt, and Raven watched with wide-eyed awe, unable to believe what was really happening. Carrie, however, laughed her ass off.

"This is probably the most fucked up thing I've ever seen," Anne said aloud, blinking a few times. "And I created them."

Spells shots everywhere, as did blood and cum, as they battled each other intensely. Screams filled the air, but neither backed down. The G-Spot Clench™ was disturbing to see, however it was very useful.

Alas, but seeing as they were only superheroes to promote sexual safety, and not Mary Sues, they were soon killed by the avada kedavra curse.

"Well that fucking sucks," Kurt muttered, still stunned. "But now it smells funny in here."

"Oh God I'm covered in cum," Voldemort whined, much like a petulant child.

If Voldemort was covered in cum, as well as Bellatrix, that meant they could not see . . . which was lucky for Anne. She raised her wand, smirking, and yelled, "Avada kedavra!"

Voldemort fell to the floor, dead. Oddly enough, it felt somewhat . . . anti-climactic.

"Petrificus totalus," Kurt shouted, causing Bellatrix to fall over, completely paralyzed.

"Who brought you here, Carrie?" Anne asked.

"Lucius."

"Lucius?" Anne asked, smiling.

"Yes?"

"Send her back, okay?"

Lucius looked at his dead master on the floor, then shrugged. "Okay. And just for your information, he gave _me_ Chlamydia, not the other way around."

He grabbed Carrie by the arm, and muttered a spell. They promptly disappeared.

Anne pointed her wand at Voldemort's dead body. "Accio time turner," she said, and the time turner flew towards her. Since Voldemort was dead, the cuffs around Raven's wrist disappeared, and she stood up shakily. "What? But I was supposed to kill him! Me! Not you!"

"Guess what, Raven? Sometimes it's the average people who get to be the heroes."

"But--but--but doesn't this make you into a Mary Sue?" she spluttered.

"Hmm, I have average intelligence, and average looks, and I'm nowhere near as interesting a character as my brother here, I'm sure . . . So, huh, I guess not. I guess I just happened to get lucky. Now grab Bellatrix, get the fuck over her, and we'll use this time turner to go back to the future."

"Wait . . . I, er . . . In order for my story to end right, I need to stay here."

"Fine, fuck you, stay here then. But we need Bellatrix."

"Nope, I, uh . . . want her too. Let's get back to Hogwarts first, and then you can go home."

Anne sighed, then let Raven Apparate them all back to Hogwarts, despite the law of canon stating that one could not do that.

"Anne!" Snape snapped, running right over to her. They were still outside, just where they had been before they left, and he did not look happy. "What did I tell you? You cannot mess up the timeline!"

"Look, it's okay, really--" she began.

"No, it isn't! You don't' know what you could have done!"

"Shut the fuck up, Snape. Like anyone gives a shit about your whining," Raven snapped angrily, holding onto the messy body of Bellatrix Lestrange. Anne could have cleaned up the mess easily, but seeing as she wasn't' very fond of Raven, she just allowed her to handle the filthy body.

"Ooh, I think there's gonna be a beat down!" Kurt exclaimed.

Snape looked at Raven incredulously. "I beg your pardon?"

"I said shut up. No one cares. You think your life is so horrible? I was just forced to watch a giant penis and a giant vagina kick the shit out of Bellatrix and Voldemort, and I didn't even get to kill him. Your precious little bitch Anne did. So quite your whining."

"You think that's horrible? You honestly think your life is worse than mine, you selfish, spoiled little--hey!" he snapped, just as she rolled her eyes and looked away form him, ignoring him entirely. "What is your problem? You look at people when you're talking to them. And I am your father, and you will listen to me."

"Fuck off, you're not my dad," she snapped. "Voldemort is."

"Oh why don't' you go cry about it?" he growled. "I get so tired of people constantly whining about how their life is worse than everyone else's."

She turned away form him and rolled her eyes. "Whatever."

"You look at me when I talk to you," he ordered. She started walking off. "Look at me. _Look at me."_

She spun around, eyes glinting madly. "Save your lines for Deathly Hallows, Snape."

THWACK!

In the space of a second, Anne had closed the distance, and punched Raven right in the face.

Raven fell to the ground, and Anne looked at her fist. "Huh. I've never punched anyone before."

"Good hit," Kurt said.

Raven stood up, blood trickling form her lip. She rose a foot off of the ground, and her hair whipped around her head, a dark aura surrounding her as sparks of electricity flew off of her. "You cal ltaht a punch? Lest you forget, I was abused every single day by my father in my original world! And he knew how to fight! After all, he was William H. Bonney's great-great grandson!"

"His name, bitch," Kurt said, standing up straighter, "is Henry McCartney."

Raven fell to the ground, and suddenly, her body changed. her breasts grew a bit larger, but so did her hips and her belly. Her shoulders broadened and she shrunk a little, now several inches shorter than she was before. Her eyes were a dark brown, although not quite black. Her black hair stuck up in the back and was greasy, and fell to just below her shoulders. She had a few zits on her skin, and a large nose. She wasn't amazingly beautiful anymore--now, she was just . . . normal. Average looking, just like Kurt. Just like Anne. Just like the rest of the world--she was a normal human girl.

"You proved the Mary Sue wrong . . . Something she believed to be true for so long . . . Oh my God . . . Holy shit! Kurt, you did it! The world is fixed now!" Anne exclaimed, surprised all to hell.

Raven looked around, apparently confused. "What are they talking about, Severus?" she asked, brushing her somewhat lanky hair from her face.

Snape smiled at Anne knowingly. "I'll see you in the future, okay?"

She nodded, cleaned off Bellatrix with her wand, and hoisted her up, so that she was leaning against them. She took Bellatrix's wand, broke it in half, then tossed it on the ground. She put the necklace around her, Kurt's, and Bellatrix's head, then looked at Snape. "Okay, I'll see you."

"Right, sis, let's be on our way," he said, jerking his head in the direction of Lily.

"Years," Anne said, then began twisting the time turner. As the colours whirled around her, she realized that Felix Felicis really did work.

* * *

A/N--Right, so teh next chapter should be the last chapter. Thanks so much for reviewing, those of you who did, and when I write the last chapter, you lurkers out there should totally say soemthing.

eyesuhkatspeleeng, who is a great author, asked all of the questions, whereas I answered them. So the questions belong to her. Also, Carrie is not her real name.

Also, the "Look at me! Look at me!" "Save your lines for Deathly Hallows, Snape." Does not belong to me either, but to Katie Chameleon, who was kind enough to let me put that in this fic.

Shout out to Pottersues, my favourite site to go to for research on the Dreaded Mary Sue. Also, wikipedia, which has links to very interesting articles on the origins of Mary Sues.


	24. The Freakin' End

**Chapter 24: The Freakin' End**

Anne and Kurt found themselves outside of Hogwarts, but nobody else was around. Except for the paralyzed and wand-less Bellatrix, who Anne dropped to the ground carelessly. She took the necklace off of Kurt's neck and let it drape down her chest.

"Well, let's see how everything is. Hopefully we won't have to do any more work."

"Ya think Tonks is single and alive?" Kurt asked, dusting off his robes. "And we might be able to wear fucking normal clothes again?"

"I don't know. I don't see why she would be dead, seeing as Bellatrix killed her, and we sorta took her through time with us. So she didn't exist for like twenty years."

Kurt sighed, then pointed his wand at the ground. "Pottius growius," he said, waving his wand randomly.

When absolutely nothing happened, Anne looked at Kurt with a confused expression on her face. "What on earth was that? You actually expected that to work?"

"It worked before. Several times. Draco and I got high, and then we got poon. Bellatrix is a slutty pot smoker."

"Bellatrix is slutty," Anne pointed out. "Well ,at least, in the Sue's world, she was. Wouldn't know so much about now." She nudged the still Bellatrix with her toe, then she looked disgusted. "Wait, both you _and_ Draco got poon? She's his aunt!"

"No, sick. He's not Sirius fucking Black, is he? Although, I really hope to God that was just crappy writing. Anyway, no, the little bastard had Astoria bouncing on his cock while Pansy sat on his face. Lucky fuckin' prat." He narrowed his eyes angrily, then he shrugged. "But oh well. Bellatrix is sexier than either of them, so he can suck a chode."

Anne pointed her wand at Bellatrix and ropes shot out of it, wrapping around her body. "Mobilicorpus." Bellatrix floated behind them as they walked up to the school, ignoring the fact that the woman trailing behind them was still covered in cum. It was starting to dry now, so it was crusted all over her body. Anne honestly could have cleaned her with a simple spell, but chose not to. Either Kurt didn't know the spell, or didn't bother. Either way, she stayed dirty.

They made it halfway out of the school when they saw Snape strolling towards them, exiting the school. They stopped walking and stood there awkwardly, glancing back at the floating Bellatrix. "You think he remembers us? I mean, if we fixed the world . . . Would he have just forgotten?" Anne asked, shifting her weight onto her other foot.

"I don't know."

Snape finally stood in front of them, and that's when Anne noticed something different. It wasn't that he looked amazing attractive, but he looked . . . Different. There was a glow about him, one that she didn't remember him having. His face seemed fuller, and didn't seem as harshly lined. He looked . . . Healthier. Happier.

"Oh, shit, she's still writing isn't she?" she grumbled, smacking a palm to her face.

"So me being happy is a bad thing? No, Anne, everything is fine. You and your brother have . . . for lack of a better term . . . saved us."

"Wait . . . So, uh, we didn't fuck the world over when we messed up the timeline?" Kurt asked tentatively.

Snape shook his head, and he smiled. Actually smiled. "No, you didn't. Come with me, I want to show you something." He turned around and they followed him as he started towards the castle. "I saw the two of you wandering about outside through the window. Carrying her."

"Yeah, we needed her, you know, to go back. I mean . . . if, um, if that's what we choose to do." Anne cleared he throat and glanced at Kurt, who looked at her warily, as if he didn't quite like what she was implying.

There was a second of silence in which Anne seemed to be awkward, and to prevent it from lengthening, Kurt cleared his throat. "So what was up with Raven getting a serious case of Snape Pans?"

"Beg parson?" Snape asked, glancing at Kurt.

Anne chuckled and shook her head. "It's a . . . like, a thing you get, you know. It's a term Carrie and I made up. When someone gets irritable and has greasy hair."

"Ah, yes, I can explain that. Raven is now my sister. And is, thankfully, a normal person. And she has only three names, as most people. Raven Eileen Snape." They walked into the school, Snape holding the door open for the two of them. "Well, I suppose it would be Raven Eileen Potter now."

"What?" Kurt looked at Snape like he was retarded.

He shut the door behind them. "She married James Potter. They have a boy. He's, naturally, a complete arrogant prat, although the two of them insist he's a good-natured boy.

Anne looked at Snape warily. "Wait, if Raven married James, then who did Lily marry?"

Snape grinned.

"No way!" Anne exclaimed, eyes lighting up, mouth dropping open. Yes, her mouth dropped open. She had animated gestures like that.

He simply nodded, looking insanely happy as he did so.

"Oh my God!" she shouted, then jumped up and down and make a few girly little shrieks. Kurt looked away and wandered off a bit, whistling, trying to look like he wasn't in any way associated with his sister at the moment.

She charged at Snape and wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug while she laughed. "Congratulations! This is fucking awesome!" she shouted, before Snape grabbed her shoulders and forced her off of him. When he raised an eyebrow at her, although he was still smiling, she stepped away from him and blushed, looking downward. "Sorry. But I'm just, uh . . . Yeah, excited."

"You were going to wait for us to break apart, then use it to your advantage, get in my good graces, so that I would fall in love with you," he stated.

Anne's good mood suddenly disappeared, and she felt a deep sense of shame fill her. "Yes," she admitted, although quietly.

"Yet . . . You didn't, despite the fact it would disrupt the timeline."

She nodded slowly.

"Thank you, Anne. Everything in my life is good now." She blushed and smiled, feeling much better now. "But why? Why did you do it?"

"I guess I just wanted you to be happy."

"And I just wanna fucking vomit. God, do you have to make it into a fucking Hallmark moment? Shit, Anne! God, Snape, she's in fucking love with you, and so your happiness means more to her than her fucking own and blah, blah, blah. Can we fucking move it along please? None of us here are gonna win an award for any epic monologues, so come on, let's skip ahead to the part where we get home already."

Anne cleared her throat while Snape just rolled his eyes.

"So you got any kids?"

"Just one. A girl. Her name is Annabel Corrine." He looked Anne over, and smiled briefly. "You can still stay, if you like. You don't have to go home. I'm sure you can find a way to get along here."

Anne chuckled, then shook her head. "No, I think I'd best go home."

"I can take you back to the very day you disappeared. Of course, the author of that horrible fanfic will remember everything, seeing as she created this world. And if I recall correctly, she has Bellatrix's wand. If I were you, I would destroy it."

She nodded. "All right. She should be next door to us."

"So, um, is your daughter hot?" Kurt asked.

"She is currently dating someone."

"What about--"

"Tonks is married to Lupin."

"Fuck it, I'm going home then."

"I'll be needing that time turner to send you back to the original day you two left. I'll take it back here, and break it." Snape smiled briefly at the both of them, then waved his wands, removing the ropes that bound Bellatrix. She fell to the floor with a thunk, then stood up, brushing off her body, which was now thankfully clean.

"You are . . . Not as much of an asshole," Kurt pointed out warily. "Are you sure we should leave?"

"I'm not dead, so let's keep it the way it is," Bellatrix piped up.

"You, madam, are going straight to Azkaban," Snape spat, glaring at her. Then he turned back to Kurt. "I married Lily and I have a daughter. Of course I'm happier. Would you prefer me to be miserable?"

"I don't really give a shit either way," Kurt admitted, shrugging.

* * *

I stared at my laptop, hovering my little cursor over the time. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. The date had changed. It was like . . . Like I had gone back in time!

Of course, awhile ago, I would have thought it was a glitch, but after finding out my fanfic was making an alternate dimension and because of it my cousin's next door neighbors had been sucked into it, I was willing to believe anything.

Still, though, it felt weird. I was taken to a time right before I added a new story. I was looking at my brand new document, the first chapter to my story, and instead of posting it as a new chapter, I removed it. Then I deleted the word document. I knew that somewhere, my alternate dimension still existed, but since Anne and Kurt sorta fixed it, I didn't have to worry about it imploding anymore.

There were a few knocks on the door. "Hey, Susan?" I heard my cousin's British voice say through the doorway.

"Yeah?" I said, exiting out of my account.

"My friends came over and they, er . . . They wanna talk to you."

I frowned. I had gone back in time, but I remembered the future. Did they, too? "Um, okay, have them come in."

Kurt and Anne walked into her room, and shut the door behind them. I stood up and brushed my clothes off, clearing my throat. I had never seen them in real life before, just imagined what they looked like because of how I'd wrote them in my story. She had messy, dirty-blonde hair that went to her jawline, and she was broad shouldered and chubby. She had really pretty eyes though, and a nice mouth. She wasn't' nearly as ugly as I had wanted to be, but she wasn't, like, super-pretty or anything. Just plain. Kurt was tall and also broad shouldered and overweight, although not like obese or anything. Bigger than she was, though, and had really curly hair that stuck out, almost like a fro. He was plain, too. Although I guess I wasn't really one to talk.

"Give me Bellatrix's wand. Now," Anne said harshly, holding out her hand.

I sighed, then grabbed the wand beside my desk. Somehow, it managed to stay with me. Probably because I was holding it at the time everything went into the past. "We can do some magic with this. Not anything epic, just float stuff. I'm sure eventually we could learn to do better," I said, holding onto it tighter.

"Fucking give it to her," Kurt snapped.

I handed it over.

Anne held it in front of her, then snapped it in half. Then she snapped it again. She handed eth four broken pieces to her brother. He pulled out a lighter, and caught them on fire. When they were almost completely burned, he blew out the flames. He waited for awhile, probably to make sure that the ashes went burning still, waited for the smoke to disappear, then he threw it in the garbage can. "Bang in the bloody bin," he said, smirking at me.

I knew I was pouting, but I didn't care.

Anne sighed. "I'm sorry I used the Cruciatus on you that one time. But you shouldn't have been traipsing about in my memories. Oh, and I swear to God if I have to be suck into another one of your fucking idiot fanfics . . ." She let the threat hang, probably because she was too nice to ever really do anything about it.

"Okay," I muttered.

And with that, they left the room, slamming the door behind them. Maybe we would become friends over the vacation.

* * *

_Three Months Later_

Okay, so they hated me. The nicest conversation Kurt had with me was when he called me a twat, because that was the shortest conversation we had. It was really annoying too, because I wanted to be their friend. But as soon as I would start talking to them, they would find some way to leave the conversation. I got the feeling that Anne tried to be nice to me, but I think I irritated her because she would always get snappy with me a few minutes into a conversation. Oh well, like I really cared anyway.

Besides, Anne deserves to die. She said that I was a Gryffindor! As if! I would never be sorted into Gryffindork! Then she went on saying that it wasn't a bad thing, and she calls herself a Slytherin. Hah. She even said she liked Hufflepuffs. Whatever. A real Slytherin, like me, would never say being a Hufflepuff was okay, and would despise Gryffindorks.

Anyway, so we never got along.

Now, I was in some stupid obscure town in the Midwest part of the USA on my way home. We decided to stay in a hotel for the night because our flight back home to Modesto wasn't until tomorrow. Well, technically, the flight to Anaheim and then we drove to Modesto because we left our car with some friends there.

God, I hated living in Modesto, California. Who the hell even knows where that is? It's so boring. Why couldn't my parents have lived in a cool place, like LA?

I couldn't sleep, so I just watched the TV. I would have written on my laptop, but ever since the whole fiasco with me almost destroying the Potterverse, I checked everything I wrote, and actually put some thought into it. I'll admit that most of the stuff I put down before was just what popped into my head, and I didn't stop to think about making it sound realistic. Now I made sure it did. I got bad reviews every now and then, but nothing really bad. Even Ashes Falling said she thought it was okay. Not great, but okay. And eyesuhkatspeleeng, who is my nemesis, even gave me a good review for my last chapter.

**Dear Creator Of Raven Sue- Though I will never forget being nearly killed by Voldemort because of your ho ass, I will say that this isn't so bad and I'm glad to see that you're making an effort now. You'll improve. I still think you should drink bleach though. **

Okay, so it isn't what most people would call nice in a conventional way, well, it's a lot better than the stuff she used to write for Raven. Like:

**Dear Raven Creator- I hope you never have kids cause if you do the world will decide to implode on its self. Think of all the innocent bystanders. Abortion saves lives. **

Okay, so I still think she's an evil bitch, but I do feel bad considering she was almost killed so Voldemort could turn me into that weird clone horcrux thing.

Anyway, I was watching TV. _Goblet of Fire_ was on, but it usually was. It was on TV a lot lately. Like at least once a week. Well, probably more than that. But I didn't mind. Right now, it was at the part where Moody was changing into Barty Crouch Junior. I watched with mild interest (I'd seen the movie like a thousand times before) as Dumbledore and Snape and McGonagall burst in and saved Harry's ass in the nick of time. Goddamn Snape was sexy.

I watched all the way to the part at the end of the scene where Snape had his wand pointed right on Barty's jugular. I had to admit, even Barty was sexy, except for that weird tongue thing.

The camera went back to Barty's face, although I thought I remembered that scene ending on Snape's face. Oh well, maybe I hadn't watched it as much as I thought. Then Barty's eyes focused directly on the camera. That was bad acting. Like, horribly bad. So bad I can't believe I'd never noticed it before. I thought actors weren't supposed to look at the camera--like it broke fourth wall or something. It was creepy, because it seemed like he was looking me in the eyes.

He shoved Snape's wand out of his face, and Snape looked offended, then his eyes met the camera too. He furrowed his eyebrows, then calmly stepped aside, allowing Barty out of the chair. Wait, Alan Rickman looked at the camera? He was way better of an actor than that . . .

Suddenly the screen shimmered, and Barty Crouch junior slowly started crawling out of the TV, like that girl in _The Ring._ I let out a harsh scream and jumped away form him, then he plopped out onto my floor.

He stood up, and brushed himself off. He pointed a finger at me. "You!" he shouted.

"What?"

"You need to come with me!"

"What?" I exclaimed.

Eh grabbed my arm. "Some little bitch Mary Sue is fawning over me."

"What? You mean--oh God, someone is writing a fucking Sue fic, and I'm--I'm the closest Harry Potter fan! Oh God!" I shouted, realizing what this meant.

"Whatever, but the spell brought me to you, so you're gonna help."

"Wait, wait, I'm not any good at this--I know this girl, and her brother, they've done it before--"

"I don't give a shit! The spell brought me to you, and you're the one gonna get rid of her." He walked me over to the television, and even though I was trying to tug away form him, and I was screaming hysterically (my parents were out on a date, but that didn't mean the manager wouldn't hear me freaking out) he was stronger than me, so he managed to pull me to the TV with ease. After all I was only twelve.

"Let me go!" I shouted. I could not do this. "Please, believe me, I can get someone who has done it bef--"

"Shut up!" he snapped, squeezing my arm tighter, and sticking his free hand through the television screen. He stuck his tongue out crazily and his eyes went all bug-eyes, one eyebrow raising far above the other. He looked insane right then, and it probably didn't help that he was dirty. "You and I, girl, we're gonna get rid of that Lufian bitch, and I swear to God, if I _ever_ find out who this fucking Doctor is, I'm gonna kill him for sending his stupid fans my way."

And then, we fell through the screen, with me shrieking like a little bitch.

* * *

A/N--Lufian is a Mary Sue I made in a Doctor Who parody, so it is someone I made up, and I am not bashing anyone other than myself. (David Tennant plays the Doctor as well as Barty Jr. in case you didn't get the reference.)

Well, poppets, this is my final chapter. I am not planning on making a sequel, this was just to have Susan the Suethor get a taste of her own medicine, but maybe if you beg and promise to read it, I might do it. MIGHT. Thank you for my reviewers, however few you are, and special thanks to eyesuhkatspeleeng. Without her, this probably would never have been finished.

Since this is the FINAL chapter, meaning it is NOW FINISHED, perhaps you lurkers will also leave a review?

Also, big hugs for anyone who understands why a Buffy fanatic such as myself in love with Spike would mention Modesto, California, other than the reason it's a small and mostly unheard of town.


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